Illjwamh

On August 18 in History: 1227 - Death of Genghis Khan. Or so they say; no one's ever found the body... 1587 - Virginia Dare is the first English child born in the New World. Roanoke thrives! 1590 - Roanoke governor John White returns from England with supplies to find the colony abandoned. Mixed in with his confusion and horror is relief that he now doesn't have to explain why he'd forgotten to bring his granddaughter Virginia a birthday present. 1826 - Major Gordon Laing is the first non-Muslim to enter Timbuktu. A new byword for "mysterious place out beyond the boonies" will need to be devised. 1868 - French astronomer Pierre Janssen discovers helium. It takes him several tries to make the announcement as everyone keeps laughing at his voice. 1920 - The Nineteenth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution is ratified, extending the vote to women. It's now only a matter of time before we get a woman president. Progress! 1938 - The Thousand Islands Bridge is dedicated by FDR. Connecting New York State with the province of Ontario across the St. Lawrence River, it's actually series of five bridges connecting just four islands to the mainland on either side, but that's a lot less impressive sounding and far more cumbersome to say. 1958 - Vladimir Nabokov publishes a book about a professor who has a sexual relationship with a twelve year old girl. It is lauded as the pinnacle of twentieth century literature. That's not the joke; that's what happened. 1971 - Australia and New Zealand re: Vietnam War: "Screw you guys; we're goin' home." 2003 - Zachary Turner, a one year-old in Newfoundland, is murdered by his mother, who had legal custody of him and who is also facing trial for murdering Zachary's father. No one could have seen this coming. 2008 - Pakistani president Pervez Musharraf: "You can't fire me; I quit!"

BOOO!

On August 17 in History: 986 - The Bulgarian army annihilates the Byzantines at the Battle of the Gates of Trajan, and emperor Basil II barely escapes with his life. Shockingly, his reign enters a bit of a downturn from this point. 1498 - Cesare Borgia, son of Pope Alexander VI, resigns as a Cardinal. This has never been done before by anyone. Is he mad? In unrelated news, later in the day, Cesare Borgia, son of Pope Alexander VI, is made Duke of Valentinois by Louis XII of France. 1560 - "Catholics GTFO." ~Scotland 1585 - A group of English colonists arrive to establish a colony on Roanoke Island. Thus begins a glorious new English empire in the New World! 1717 - Eugene of Savoy captures Belgrade from the Ottoman Empire. Now it belongs to Austria forever more! 1807 - Robert Fulton begins a novel new business venture on the Hudson River. He can move his boat upstream and against the winds simply by lighting a bonfire under the deck. 1863 - Union ships and batteries bombard Fort Sumter in South Carolina. Oh, you assholes have had this coming. 1896 - Bridget Driscoll is the first pedestrian killed in the UK by a collision with a motor vehicle. Wait, how is this even possible? Their top speed is like, what, 5 miles per hour? 1914 - Birth Franklin Delano Roosevelt Jr.. Wait for it... 1916 - Romania secretly signs up with the Entente. They will come to regret this, but also not? 1943 - Canadian Prime Minister William Lyon Mackenzie King hosts fellow allied leaders FDR and Winston Churchill in the First Québec Conference. Not invited to the discussions: Canadian Prime Minister William Lyon Mackenzie King. 1945 - Indonesia, newly liberated from Japan, informs the Netherlands they won't be coming back. 1988 - Death of Franklin Delano Roosevelt Jr.. Um, happy birthday? 1998 - U.S. President Bill Clinton publicly owns up to getting a BJ from his intern, and admits he "misled people" about the nature of the relationship. Well I mean if that's not grounds for impeachment, what is, am I right Senator Lindsey Graham? 2008 - Michael Phelps wins his 8th gold medals at a single Olympic Games, thereby removing the right of anyone else to brag about anything at all for at least a month or two.

A big problem here lies with the tendency people have to conflate "mental illness" with mental disorders, like sociopathy and psychopathy. To use a physical analogy, it's the difference between having chronic bronchitis and being born without a lung.

'Bout to set out traveling again. Better get caught up before I do. Mon. Jul. 1, 2019 Elliot: 943 Liz: 20 Ellen: 673 Nanase: 591 Grace: 860 Justin: 431 Wed. Jul. 3, 2019 Liz: 21 Elliot: 944 Fri. Jul. 5, 2019 Elliot: 945 Liz: 22 Ashley: 183 Mon. Jul. 8, 2019 Liz: 23 Elliot: 946 Wed. Jul. 10, 2019 Liz: 24 Elliot: 947 Mon. Jul. 15, 2019 Grace: 861 Ashley: 184 Wed. Jul. 17, 2019 Grace: 862 Tedd: 758 Mr. Verres: 136 Fri. Jul. 19, 2019 Grace: 863 Sarah: 668 Mon. Jul. 22, 2019 Sarah: 669 Grace: 864 Fri. Jul. 26, 2019 Elliot: 948 Ellen: 674 Mon. Jul. 29, 2019 Ashley: 185 Ellen: 675 Elliot: 949 Wed. Jul. 31, 2019 Nanase: 592 Grace: 865 Sarah: 670 Justin: 432 Fri. Aug. 2, 2019 Justin: 433 Sarah: 671 Nanase: 593 Wed. Aug. 7, 2019 Ashley: 186 Elliot: 950 Ellen: 676 Fri. Aug. 9, 2019 Nanase: 594 Grace: 866 Mon. Aug. 12, 2019 Lucy: 28 (2019 debut) Diane: 205 Justin: 434 Luke: 65 (2019 debut) Sarah: 672 Wed. Aug. 14, 2019 Sarah: 673 Justin: 435 Susan: 512 Diane: 206 Fri. Aug. 16, 2019 Elliot: 951 Ashley: 187 Ellen: 677 FULL COUNT

On August 13 in History: 29 BCE - Octavian holds a triumph to show how great he is for defeating the Dalmatians. And don't worry; there'll be more after this one. Like, tomorrow. 582 - Maurice becomes Emperor in Constantinople. This is good news, unless you happen to live in Sassanid Persia. 1521 - Hernán Cortés successfully captures the Aztec Tlatoani, Cuauhtémoc, completing the conquest of Tenochtitlan. And unlike the last time they captured the Aztec ruler, they plan to make it stick this time. 1532 - The big blue blob that is France finally absorbs the Duchy of Brittany. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. 1624 - Louis XIII of France appoints Cardinal Richelieu as his prime minister. Paradoxically, this is at once a very good and a very bad decision. 1792 - Louis XVI of France is declared by the National Tribunal as an enemy of the people. His defense of "They're only peasants!" doesn't go over well. 1898 - The "Battle" of Manila takes place at the end of the Spanish-American War, in which American forces "seize" the city from the Spanish, exactly as generals from both sides had planned, in order to prevent America's "allies", the Filipino rebels, from taking it. Business as usual. 1905 - Norwegians hold a vote and decide they don't want to be Swedish anymore. 1960 - The Central African Republic declares independence from France. They were in such a rush to join the party that they didn't even take the time to think of an original name for themselves. 1961 - East German authorities, tired of their residents always trying to escape to the West for some reason through Berlin, close the border. "Build the wall! Build the wall!" Walls always work. 1982 - Sarah Huckabee Sanders is born with a rare birth defect rendering her incapable of uttering a true statement or directly answering a question. She's very touchy about it. 2004 - Julia Child dies at 91. Her long life is attributed to a good diet of mysteriously well-prepared meals.

On August 12 in History: 30 BCE - "AAAAAHHH! ASPS!" ~Cleopatra VII 1099 - Crusaders led by Godfrey of Bouillon defeat Fatimid forces at the Battle of Ascalon, essentially bringing the First Crusade to its end. Victory for all time! 1492 - Christopher Columbus arrives at the Canary Islands, which for all anyone knows is the end of the world until you get to Asia on the other side. Last chance to turn back, guy. 1914 - Britain declares war on Austria-Hungary, because at this point we might as well, right? 1963 - Anthony Ray, more commonly known as Sir Mix-a-Lot, is born with a rare birth defect rendering him incapable of uttering falsehoods regarding his preference for large posteriors. 1964 - The IOC says to South Africa, "Until you stop being racist, you can't play with us anymore." 1994 - MLB players go on strike, cancelling the rest of the season. I maintain that this is an anti-Canadian conspiracy, given that the Montreal Expos had a healthy lead in their division, and that the Toronto Blue Jays had won the last two World Series. It's rigged! Rigged, I tell you! 2017 - Alt-right protesters clash with counter-protesters who don't like Nazis, and a woman is killed, along with two police officers. But I'm sure there were very fine people, as well as an equal share of the blame, on both sides. You know, the Nazis and the people protesting the Nazis.

On August 11 in History: 3114 BCE - The Long Count Calendar, popularized by the Mayan civilization, begins. Retroactively, one must assume. 480 BCE - Supposed date of death for Leonidas I of Sparta, which is odd, considering that the earliest estimate for the Battle of Thermopylae in which he dies isn't for another 9 days. Maybe if he wore some armor instead of fighting in his underpants, he could have made it through. 355 - Claudius Silvanus, a general in Gaul who is already accused of treason against Constantius II, decides he might as well declare himself emperor. Go big or go home. 1804 - HRE Francis II dispenses with pretense and creates for himself the title Emperor of Austria. This way if Napoleon does anything to the first one, he still gets to be emperor of something. 1920 - A peace treaty affirms Latvia's independence from Russia. "Don't get too comfortable," says Joseph Stalin. 1950 - The future co-founder of Apple Computers is born. No, not that one, the other one. The one named Steve. No, the other Steve. 1960 - Some dude named Chad declares independence. What, from his mom's basement? Douche. What? Oh, I'm sorry, I'm being told that's Chad the country. My mistake. 2014 - Robin Williams dies, taking our laughter with him, and once more shining a light on the issue of mental health and depression. O Captain, my captain, no matter what anybody says, you'll always be a prince to me.

On August 9 in History: 48 BCE - Pompey the Great, pushed into battle by politicians despite knowing that delaying tactics would have worked strongly in his favor, is defeated soundly by an outnumbered Julius Caesar at the Battle of Pharsalus and forced to flee in disguise. 2000 years later, we're still letting suits make decisions they're not qualified to make over the advice of people who actually know what they're talking about. The DCEU, anyone? 378 - Eastern Emperor Valens and half his army are killed by Visigoths at the Battle of Adrianople. All things considered, this might not be a bad thing. He wasn't exactly the best emperor, and we do, after all, have reserves. 1173 - Construction begins on the bell tower for the Cathedral of Pisa. Get out of here with your surveying; just pick a spot and start building! Solid ground is solid ground. 1854 - Henry David Thoreau publishes his journal about that time he lived in a cabin just outside town. 1945 - The people of Nagasaki learn that the United States didn't just have one of those things. 1965 - Singapore is kicked out of Malaysia. They remain the only country in history to achieve independence against their will. 1974 - Gerald Ford, who stumbled his way into the vice presidency without ever having been elected to it, now stumbles his way into the presidency without every having been elected to it. 1993 - In Japan, the Liberal Democratic Party (which is neither of those things) loses power for the first time since its formation 38 years ago. A whole new page is turned for true democracy! 2014 - 18 year old Michael Brown is shot six times by a police officer in Ferguson, Missouri. It is witnessed by thousands of people who can tell you exactly what happened in detail, though for some odd reason the cannot agree on what those details are.

On August 8 in History: 117 - Death of Trajan. Well, Rome, it's all downhill from here. 869 - Death of Lothair II of Lotharingia/Middle Francia. Wait for it... 870 - Louis the German and Charles the Bald of East and West Francia, respectively, decide that if you snooze you lose when it comes to land inheritance. Emperor Louis II of Italy was supposed to get his brother Lothair II's lands in Middle Francia, but as he's busy on campaign, well, we wouldn't want them to go to waste, now would we? 1220 - Estonian tribes succeed in driving out Swedish invaders at the Battle of Lihula, who were trying to get in on the action before the Teutons and Danes gobble everything up. "Fine! We don't want your stupid land, anyway! We'll just go conquer Finland instead!" 1503 - James IV of Scotland marries the daughter of Henry VII of England, Margaret. This will become very important exactly a century from now. 1588 - Sir Francis Drake defeats the Spanish Armada, whose primary tactic is boarding enemy ships, at the Battle of Gravelines by not letting them do that. 1908 - Wilbur Wright flies in front of people at Le Mans. A witch! A witch! 1918 - The Battle of Amiens finally breaks the stalemate. Maybe, possibly, hopefully, soon we can finally go home. 1963 - 15 guys rob a train going from Glasgow to London of over 2.6 million pounds. Sadly, no horses or six-shooters are involved. 1969 - Photographer Iain Macmillan takes a picture of the Beatles crossing a street. 1969 again - Members of the Manson family - but notably not Manson himself - murder actress Sharon Tate and four others. Freakin' hippies, man. 1974 - "You can't fire me; I quit!" ~Richard Nixon 2004 - Death of Fay Wray. No giant apes are suspected to be involved.

On August 7 in History: 626 - Slavic and Avar allies at the Sassanid Persian siege of Constantinople: "Screw you guys; we're going home." 936 - Otto I's coronation as King of Germany. Shame to have peaked at only 23. 1782 - On the order of George Washington, an award for soldiers wounded in battle is created: the Badge of Military Merit. It's shaped like a little purple heart. If only we could think of a less cumbersome name for it. 1819 - Simón Bolívar locks down the independence of New Granada in the Battle of Boyacá. Ball's in your court, José de San Martín. 1944 - Robert Mueller is born. He's such a straight arrow that his birth cures his mother's scoliosis. 1947 - A Norwegian man named after a god crashes his raft named after another god on a reef in French Polynesia after sailing it over 4,300 miles across the Pacific Ocean for 101 days. Point proven. 1960 - Côte d'Ivoire gains independence from France, as French West Africa continues going hog wild with self-determination. 1964 - U.S. Congress grants president Johnson power to conduct military operations in Vietnam without a formal declaration of war. They will come to regret this. 1987 - Sidney Crosby is born. Numerous gold medals are prepared in advance.

Should be all caught up after this one. On August 4 in History: 1265 - Simon de Montfort and his army of rebellious barons are finally defeated at the Battle of Evesham. As King Henry III had been largely ineffective and feckless as a commander opposing them, they must have assumed his son, Prince Edward, would be the same. They were mistaken. 1701 - France and 39 First Nations sign the Great Peace of Montreal, agreeing to peaceful coexistence and cooperation. As long as some other European power doesn't boot them out of here, this looks good for the various local people. 1704 - The English, with help from the Dutch, steal a giant rock from Spain. I'm talking huge. They have yet to give it back. 1792 - Percy Bysshe Shelley is born. Look on his works, ye Mighty, and despair! 1889 - Spokane burns to the ground. It will be rebuilt, and then never modified again. 1914 - Germany invades Belgium, Great Britain declares war on them for it, and the United States declares they're not taking sides and they plan to sit this whole thing out. Good luck with that. 1915 - The German army occupies Warsaw. It goes so well, plans for a sequel are already in the works. 1961 - Barack Obama is born. "In Hawaii". Snap snap, wink wink, grin grin, nudge nudge, say no more. 1962 - Marilyn Monroe's death reminds us all that anxiety and depression can affect anyone and if you're feeling down you should talk to someone. I've made myself sad. 1981 - Meghan Markle is born. One wonders if her "welcome to the world" party is princess-themed. 1984 - The Republic of Upper Volta decide that's a dumb name and they want to be called Burkina Faso instead. 2019 - Nine people are killed and 26 wounded in a mass shooting in Dayton, Ohio. This comes only 15 hours after 20 were killed in El Paso; some people haven't even heard about the first one yet and the news has already moved on to this one. Guys, I...I think we might have a problem.

Yes, that was indeed an accidental omission. Lol. On August 3 in History: 1031 - Olaf II of Norway is canonized as a saint merely a year after his death. The process was more streamlined in those days. Also, they're trying to set a good example of Christianity so other vikings will sign up. 1492 - Christopher Columbus sets sail. "With any luck, we'll never see him again," say the king and queen of Spain, and most of the rest of Europe. 1829 - The Shawnee and Seneca people sign the Treaty of Lewistown with the U.S. government, trading their land in Ohio for some reservation land on the other side of the Mississippi, some cash, and some supplies. And not being murdered, but that's left unsaid as it's simply understood. 1900 - John T. Scopes is born. "To humans? Not monkeys? Well, I think you've done my work for me!" ~William Jennings Bryan 1914 - Germany declares war on France, and Romania declares they're not taking sides and they plan to sit this whole thing out. Good luck with that. 1936 - Jesse Owens wins the 100 meter dash at the Berlin OIympics and receives a better reception from host Adolf Hitler than from his own president. If that doesn't embarrass you even 80 years later, it should. 1960 - Niger gains independence from France. It's something of a busy week for French West Africa. 2019 - Opposition leader Lyubov Sobol and 600 other protesters are arrested during an election protest in Moscow. That all seems on the up and up. 2019 again - A man who claims to be worried about an "invasion" of America by immigrants (particularly of Hispanic origin) goes on a shooting spree in El Paso, TX that kills 20 people. His actions are condemned by a president who is constantly talking about an "invasion" of America by immigrants (particularly of Hispanic origin). I'm sure there isn't any connection.

Still playing catch-up. On August 2 in History: 338 BCE - Philip II of Macedon defeats a combined Athenian and Theban force at the Battle of Chaeronea. Macedon now has total hegemony over Greece and the Aegean Sea. Right, well, we'll see how long they can hold onto it. 216 BCE - Hannibal defeats a superior Roman force at Cannae in a battle that is still studied today. And by "defeats", I mean "mercilessly slaughters". Still, it is not enough to overcome the Roman strategy of "We have reserves." 1100 - William II of England is killed in a "hunting accident", and his younger brother Henry I takes the throne. Allegedly. 1343 - Jeanne de Clisson sells her estates in Brittany after the execution of her husband by Philip VI of France. She then swears revenge and decides to become a pirate. Soon to become known as The Lioness of Brittany, with her flagship, "My Revenge", she'll be the scourge of French shipping on the English Channel for the next 13 years. No joke; that's just badass. 1610 - Henry Hudson, looking for a Northwest Passage, sails into a huge bay. "Wonder what this place is?" he muses. 1776 - The U.S. Declaration of Independence is signed, and you just did a double-take at your calendar. 1869 - The class system of the Edo Society in Japan is abolished as part of the Meiji Restoration. Now the people of Japan will no longer have to suffer through exhaustively intricate layers of hierarchy that permeate every aspect of life. 1918 - The city of Vancouver goes on strike. This has never happened before in Canada, and there is panic that this is part of some Bolshevik plot. But no, it turns out it's just regular workers being pissed off at being treated like cannon fodder, as usual. 1923 - Corrupt womanizer with possible mob ties Warren G. Harding dies, to be replaced as president by a creepy guy with a pet alligator who barely speaks. It's an interesting time in American politics. 1934 - German president Paul von Hindenburg dies. His chancellor, one Adolf Hitler, decides they don't need a new president, and that he'll just be Führer now. And everyone's apparently fine with that. 1989 - Now that Pakistan has restored democracy after 17 years, the Commonwealth decides to let them back into the club. 1990 - Iraq under Saddam Hussein invades Kuwait. They will come to regret this.

Due to an exceptionally hectic last couple of days, I'm a little behind. Please forgive the lateness of this thing no one asked for that I do for free because it amuses me. On August 1 in History: 30 BCE - Mark Antony stabs himself rather than submit to the humiliations Octavian surely has planned for him. He does this under the assumption that his girlfriend and ally Cleopatra has already done the same. She hasn't. Whoopsie. 10 BCE - Tiberius Claudius is born. Sickly and with a slight limp, not even born in Italy, he'll not likely ever amount to anything. 527 - Justinian I ascends to the throne the sole ruler of the Byzantine Empire. Unless you count his wife. You really should count his wife. 902 - With the loss of Taormina to the Muslim Aghlabids, the Byzantines lose their last foothold in Sicily. And this time they won't be coming back. 1714 - The Elector of Hanover, George, becomes King of Great Britain. Once again, England finds herself with a king who doesn't speak a word of English. At least this time he was invited. 1800 - Kingdom of Ireland! Kingdom of Great Britain! By your powers combined, I am...The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland! ...Hmm, a little anticlimactic with the name on that one. 1801 - The USS Enterprise captures the creatively named Tripolitan ship "Tripoli", the first American victory in the First Barbary War. They let it go. It has no real effect on the war whatsoever. But talk about a morale booster! 1834 - Slavery is abolished in the British Empire. They are now entitled to moral superiority over any and all former territories and dominions that still maintain the practice, as of course is tradition. 1894 - War breaks out between China and Japan over who gets to "influence" Korea. Not consulted: Korea. Place where most of the fighting takes place: also Korea. 1914 - Germany declares war on Russia because a Serbian nationalist killed the heir to the Austro-Hungarian throne. It makes sense in context. 1960 - Dahomey declares independence from France. If you haven't heard of this country, it's because they've Benin west Africa under a different name for while now. 1964 - The former Belgian Congo renames itself the Democratic Republic of the Congo. "And just what the hell is that meant to imply?" ~ Republic of the Congo 1966 - Charles Whitman kills sixteen people from the tower at University of Texas at Austin, but is very polite about it, requesting in his very detailed suicide note for doctors to try to figure out what the hell was wrong with him. 1980 - Iceland gets the world's first democratically elected female head of state in President Vigdís Finnbogadóttir. Ah ah ah, Sri Lanka; Sirimavo Bandaranaike was only head of government. Doesn't count. 1981 - MTV airs its first music video, resulting in the deaths of numerous radio stars.

On July 31 in History: 30 BCE - The day starts well for Mark Antony, as he wins then Battle of Alexandria against Octavian. It goes downhill as most of his army deserts him, and by the end of the day he kills himself. Well that escalated quickly. 1423 - The French lose the Battle of Cravant, the first major engagement of the Hundred Years War after the death of England's Henry V. Ugh, just give up, France; you're never gonna win this. It would take a miracle! 1492 - Ferdinand and Isabella to the Jews of Spain: GTFO. It's a good thing for them they have other things going on this year, because otherwise this'd be a PR disaster. 1932 - The Nazi Party wins over 38% of the vote in the German election. You wouldn't think this would be enough to take over the entire country, but there you go. 1965 - J.K. Rowling is born. A Squib, she is the most high-profile person to break the International Statute of Secrecy, but as she does it in a way that makes Muggles think it's all just something she made up, she gets away with it. 1980 - Canonical birth date of Harry Potter. That's right; the most popular YA protagonist in the world is pushing 40. Incidentally, I wonder what made Rowling choose this date? 2012 - Michael Phelps becomes the most decorated Olympian of all time. I'm not going to say how many he has, because by the time you read this, he might have more.

On July 28 in History: 450 - Death of Eastern Roman Emperor Theodosius II. May his walls stand forever. 1540 - By scheduling the execution of his chief minister Thomas Cromwell and marriage to his fifth wife Catherine Howard on the same day, Henry VIII shrewdly avoids having to get dressed up twice. 1794 - “Aaaa! My petard!” ~ Maximillien Robespierre 1821 - Peru declares independence from Spain with the help and leadership of José de San Martín. Eat your heart out, Bolívar! 1868 - The fourteenth amendment to the U.S. Constitution officially goes into effect, guaranteeing citizenship and full due process to all people born or naturalized in the country. This seems particularly relevant given current events, but then what do I know? *sips tea* 1914 - Austria-Hungary declares war on Serbia. Oh boy, now you've done it. 1915 - The U.S. invades and occupies Haiti. They'll stay there for 19 years. You forgot about that one, didn't you? 2001 - Ian Thorpe, an Australian swimmer, is the first to win six gold medals at a single World Championship. "Hold my bong," says Michael Phelps. 2005 - "You know lads, this doesn't seem to be working. Shall we call it quits?" ~ The Provisional IRA

On July 27 in History: 1214 - At the Battle of Bouvines, Philip II of France kicks the crap out of a coalition made of the Holy Roman Emperor, the King of England, and several Low Country Dukes. It is the last serious attempt by John of England to regain his lost continental territories, and shows real prescience by those who had dubbed him "Lackland" in his youth. 1299 - Some Turkish chief named Osman invades the Byzantine frontier near Nicomedia. Ugh, I thought we were done with this! 1302 - That same Osman guy wins the Battle of Bapheus, which basically gives him carte blanche to take over Bithynia (northwestern Anatolia). Okay, we might have to start taking him seriously. 1689 - The Jacobites score a victory over those Protestant English dogs at the Battle of Killiecrankie. Don't let up, lads! We've got 'em on the ropes! 1794 - Robespierre is arrested for being a tyrant. You know he has to know where this is going. 1866 - Humans successfully complete a telegraph cable across the freaking Atlantic Ocean, from Ireland to Newfoundland. Oh, the things we get up to. 1900 - You know how Germans were called "Huns" by their enemies in WWI, even though the two ethnic groups are not related at all? It's actually Kaiser Wilhelm II's fault, since on this day he gives a speech to his troops, encouraging them as they go to fight in the Boxer Rebellion, and comparing them to Huns. Way to go, guy. 1921 - Canadian medical researcher Frederick Banting and his team isolate insulin as the hormone that regulates blood sugar, and is thus essential in the treatment of diabetes. They will go on to give the patent away, because they understand that the health of their fellow human beings is not a commodity to be traded for profit. Good thing this wasn't discovered in America. 1929 - The Geneva Convention on the treatment of prisoners of war is signed by 53 countries. Fortunately for administrations that shall not be named, it does not apply to non-war prisoners, or to citizens of one's own country, apparently. 1940 - Bugs Bunny first appears in the short, "A Wild Hare". He will later be retconned into a rabbit. 1953 - The U.S., China, and North Korea sign an armistice. South Korea refuses to sign but promises they'll go along with it. O...kay? 1974 - The U.S. House Judiciary Committee votes to recommend the first article of impeachment against Richard Nixon for obstruction of justice. Just wanted to remind everyone that this is a thing. 1990 - Belarus declares independence from the Soviet Union. "I really hope we can still be friends, though." 2003 - Hope dies. No, no, calm down! Just Bob Hope. Still sad, though. 2016 - At a news conference in Florida, presidential candidate Donald Trump publicly appeals to Russia to dig into his opponent's emails. Just wanted to remind everyone that this is a thing.

On July 26 in History: 1469 - Richard Neville, Earl of Warwick, who helped put Yorkist King Edward IV on the throne, defeats Edward IV's forces at the Battle of Edgecote Moor in service of a Lancastrian rebellion. And you thought the Wars of the Roses were over. Oh, my sweet summer child. 1509 - Krishnadevaraya ascends to the throne of the Vijayanagara Empire. Facts like this are why I do these things in written format rather than spoken. 1533 - Death of Atahualpa, the last Sapa Inca. With him dies the last independent state in the western hemisphere for over two hundred years. On the bright side, no one has to carry royal mummies around on official functions anymore. 1581 - The northern Low Countries (i.e. The Netherlands) declare independence from Spain. The Habsburgs are not amused. 1814 - War begins between Sweden and Norway. Norway, which had been united with Denmark, had been granted to Sweden as a result of the Napoleonic wars. Norway had not been consulted and objected. Sweden doesn't give a shit. 1847 - The people of Liberia decide that a country called "Liberia" not being independent is just too ironic to bear and make a declaration to rectify this. To continue the irony, the country they are declaring independence from, the United States, does not recognize it. 1861 - Command of the Union army in the American Civil War is given to George B. McClellan, the closest real life equivalent of Zapp Brannigan. 1925 - William Jennings Bryan dies, presumably by being crucified on a cross of iron pyrite. 1936 - Fascist Germany and fascist Italy intervene in the Spanish Civil War on behalf of Francisco Franco's nationalists. Despite this reddest of red flags, the other western powers will do nothing. Out of sheer fecklessness or fear of the other "red", who can say? 1952 - Eva Perón dies after the city of Buenos Aires runs her through with its beat and takes every breath in her body. 2016 - Uematsu Satoshi of Samagihara, an advocate for euthanasia for the elderly and disabled, goes about campaigning the wrong way by breaking into a care center where he worked full of elderly patients in the middle of the night and stabbing 19 of them in the neck.

On July 24 in History: 1567 - Mary, Queen of Scots, is forced to abdicate in favor of her one year-old son, James. She is allowed to keep the moniker. 1783 - Simón Bolívar is born. And, though nobody realizes it yet, several nations are too. 1802 - Birth of Alexandre Dumas, only competition for Victor Hugo as French writer with the most adaptations and reimaginings of his work. 1823 - Chile bans slavery. Way ahead of the curve, there. 1823 again - After their navy loses the Battle of Lake Maracaibo, Spain gives up trying to fight to keep Venezuela, though they'll refuse to recognize its independence for another decade or so. 1847 - Brigham Young leads 148 Mormon pioneers into their promised land: a valley dominated by a lake full of completely useless water. 1866 - Tennessee is the first state readmitted to the Union after the Civil War. It's possible this was a bit premature. 1911 - Machu Picchu is rediscovered. Fancy a hike? 1929 - The Kellogg–Briand Pact goes into effect. Signed by most major world powers, it renounces war as an instrument of foreign policy. Well, that's one ancient problem of human society taken care of. 1969 - Apollo 11 splashes down in the Pacific. This means all three men on board have returned safely from the moon - an achievement almost as momentous as getting them there in the first place. 1974 - The U.S. Supreme Court unanimously rules that the president may not withhold subpoenaed evidence. I don't know; I feel like this might be relevant. 2001 - Former Tsar of Bulgaria Simeon II is sworn in as Prime Minister of Bulgaria. The rest of the world isn't sure how to react, as this has literally never happened before anywhere.

On July 23 in History: 1840 - Upper and Lower Canada are stitched together into one Canada by the Act of Union - something many denizens of Lower Canada are still whining about to this day. 1914 - Austria-Hungary sends an ultimatum with a list of demands to Serbia following the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand. These include but are not limited to allowing Austro-Hungarian law enforcement full access and participation regarding the investigation. The Serbians are disinclined to acquiesce. 1952 - A small group of young military officers overthrow King Farouk of Egypt, forcing him to abdicate in favor of his six-month old son. A regency council headed by the new king's uncle is established. I wonder who's on it? 1962 - Jackie Robinson is the first African-American to be inducted into the baseball hall of fame. Kinda hard for him not to be, really. 1967 - The people of Detroit have had enough and completely lose their shit. 1970 - Qaboos bin Said al Said overthrows his father as Sultan of Oman, and institutes a policy of "Let's everybody calm down." 1989 - Daniel Radcliffe, whom you might remember as the actor who portrayed Harry Potter, is born, making him 30 now. Feel old yet? 1992 - Abkhazia declares its independence from Georgia. Well, good luck with that.

On July 22 in History: 1298 - Edward I of England defeats an army of Scots led by William Wallace at the Battle of Falkirk, which will lead to the latter resigning as Guardian of Scotland. But that doesn't make for good cinema. 1456 - If Mehmed II thought his siege of Belgrade was going to go as easily as the one at Constantinople, Hungarian regent John Hunyadi has some news for him. "The line must be drawn here! This far; no further!" Or maybe that's Star Trek. Whatever, they kicked the Turks out. 1587 - A second group of colonists arrive at the abandoned Roanoke settlement in order to reestablish it. This time, everything will go...aaaaaand they're gone. 1802 - Emperor Gia Long unifies Vietnam with the conquest of Hanoi. May it never be divided again. 1849 - Birth of Emma Lazarus, author of that one poem so many people seem to have forgotten about. 1893 - Katharine Lee Bates admired the view so much from the top of Pike's Peak in Colorado - spacious skies, amber waves of grain, majestic purple mountains towering over fruited plains - that she simply has to write it all down. 1933 - Wiley Post lands his airplane at Floyd Bennett Field in New York just over seven days after taking off from Floyd Bennett Field in New York. Not sure what the big deal is. 1940 - When was Alex Trebek born? 1942 - The systematic deportation of Jews from Warsaw begins. Never again, eh? 2013 - Prince George of Cambridge is born, extending the existence of the British monarchy by yet another generation. Incidentally, he'll probably be king during the millennial celebration of the Norman conquest. Something to look forward to.

On July 21 in History: 356 BCE – The Temple of Artemis at Ephesus, the grandest and most magnificent of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World, is burned down by a man called Herostratus, whose sole stated motive is to ensure that his name will be remembered throughout history. No, what am I doing? I’m playing right into his hands! 285 - Diocletian decides that ruling the entire Roman Empire alone is too much for one person, and appoints Maximian as his Caesar ("Jr. Emperor") and co-ruler. If this works well, he may even divide responsibilities up even further. With him still at the top, of course. 658 - Death of K'an II, ruler of the Mayan city of Caracol. He is also known as "Lord Stormwater Moon", which, I mean, why don't all kings have names like that? 1645 - "Everyone has to wear their hair like ours!" ~ Dorgon of the Manchu Qing Dynasty in China 1861 - After the First Battle of Bull Run in the American Civil War, Northern soldiers and officers reevaluate just how seriously they should be taking this armed rebellion. As do the picnickers and spectators who came out to watch. 1925 - In Tennessee, John T. Scopes is found guilty in court of teaching science to his students in science class. He is fined $100, because this is America and we don't take kindly to "new" ways of thinking about things. What's next? Sex-ed in a sex-ed class? 1951 - Robin Williams is born, and the world gets just a little brighter. 1954 - The Geneva Conference divides Vietnam into North and South. I mean, it worked with Korea. 1972 - The Provisional IRA detonates 22 bombs throughout Belfast within the span of 80 minutes. 9 people die and 130 more are injured. I'm not sure "Join with us or we'll kill all of you" is the most effective PR strategy for a unified Ireland. 2006 - Beloved actor and voice artist Mako Iwamatsu dies. I was going to put an inspirational Uncle Iroh quote in here, but even though there are many, I couldn't think of one that fits. Feel free to insert your own.

On July 17 in History: 180 - Twelve "Christians" are executed in the town of Scillium (in modern Tunisia). That ought to nip this weird new cult in the bud. 1203 - The Fourth Crusade, apparently having completely forgotten what they are supposed to be doing, sack and conquer Constantinople. 1429 - Charles VII of France is crowned during the Hundred Years War due in large part to the efforts of Jeanne d'Arc, but also due to English incompetence and mismanagement, stemming in no small part from the fact that their king is a baby. 1453 - The Battle of Castillon marks the end of the Hundred Years War and any chance of the English ever reclaiming the throne of France. "We'll be back!" they say ominously. They won't be back. 1762 - Peter III of Russia, who had been overthrown in a coup by his Great wife Catherine 8 days before, is murdered for good measure. It was probably just the act of an overzealous supporter and Catherine knew nothing about it, but she IS the ruler of RUSSIA, so we can't take that for granted. 1917 - George V of England renames his house "Windsor", since "Saxe-Coburg and Gotha" sounds a little too German, which is awkward since we're kind of in the middle of an apocalyptic war with them. 1918 - Nicholas II of Russia and his entire family and many of his retainers are murdered by either the Bolsheviks or Keyser Soze; I forget which. 1936 - A faction of the Spanish military attempts to overthrow the recently elected leftist Popular Front government. Oh, this isn't gonna be good. 1955 - Disneyland opens. Nothing works, but at least when the Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don't eat the tourists. 1976 - 25 African countries boycott the Montreal Olympics due to the participation of New Zealand. Don't worry; New Zealand hasn't suddenly become racist! It's just that they continue to participate in sporting events with apartheid South Africa. ...Okay, so maybe they're a little bit racist. 1984 - The U.S. decides that while 18 is old enough to put your life on the line in defense of your nation, it's not old enough to have a beer. You gotta wait three more years for that shit. Because the last time we imposed increased restrictions on alcohol went so well. 2009 - Walter Cronkite dies, taking with him the last remaining shred of journalistic integrity and accountability in American culture. 2014 - Malaysia Airlines flight 17 is shot down by Russian soldiers in eastern Ukraine for reasons unknown. Probably by mistake, but still. The Russian government denies any responsibility, which is how you can be sure they are responsible. And that's the way it was.

On July 16 in History: 622 - Islam decides the world doesn't already have enough calendars, and starts a new one. 1054 - The Great Schism begins between eastern and western Christianity when Cardinal Humbert, one of three legates to Pope Leo IX (who by now is dead) sent to negotiate in Constantinople with the Ecumenical Patriarch, instead loses his temper and on his own dubious authority excommunicates said Patriarch instead. Naturally, the EP retaliates, and excommunicates all three legates in turn. This game of "Nyah, nyah!" will result in a sometimes harsh divide for the next thousand years and beyond. 1212 - Alfonso VIII of Castile, along with his erstwhile rivals Sancho VII of Navarre, Peter II of Aragon, and Afonso II of Portugal, and with the aid of some various knightly holy orders and French and Leonese volunteers, kick the shit out of Almohad forces at the Battle of Las Navas de Toloso, opening the door for some serious Reconquisting. 1377 - Richard II is crowned King of England at ten years old. Everything is fine. 1790 - District of Columbia is set aside for the new federal capital of the U.S., and it is decided that its residents will never have any representation in the government they will forever after play host to. 1809 - The city of La Paz (in modern Bolivia) is the first entity in the new world to declare independence from the Spanish crown. Hopefully a few others will join in and back them up. 1909 - Mohammad Ali Shah Qajar of Iran, who had made the ill-advised decision to abolish the new constitution after ascending to the throne in the middle of a revolution, is forced to abdicate in favor of his son. Quite apart from the continued desire for parliamentary government, Iranians are likely keen to have a ruler who isn't stupid enough to do that. 1945 - Scientists and the military create a nuclear explosion on purpose in the New Mexico desert. Well, that's it for humans, then. We had a good run. 1969 - Three guys blast off for the moon. The freaking moon. With no guarantee they'll be coming back, mind. Hard to imagine the rocket could achieve escape velocity, what with the weight of their balls. 2007 - An earthquake off the coast of Niigata in Japan kills 8 people, injures around 800 more, and damages a nuclear power plant. Whew! That was a close one. We got lucky this time. Now it's time to shore up and reinspect all coastal nuclear facilities to make sure that if this happens again, nothing serious happens. Uh, guys?