Illjwamh

On October 22 in History: 726 - Death of Itzamnaaj Kʼawiil, King of Dos Pilas, the original name of which we unfortunately do not know. I wonder what weird names future civilizations will give our cities. 1383 - King Fernando of Portugal dies without a male heir. His son-in-law, John, is the King of Castile, and thus unpopular with Portuguese nobles, who turn to Fernando's illegitimate half-brother, John. His other illegitimate half-brother, John, is not considered. 1721 - Tsar Peter I of Russia decides he'd rather be called Emperor Peter I of Russia. 1797 - André-Jacques Garnerin is the first person to jump out of a flying thing (in this case, a hot air balloon 3,200 feet above Paris) on purpose and live, thanks to his new invention: a sheet in a backpack. It might be a little more complicated than that; I don't know. 1844 - Followers of Baptist preacher William Miller, called Millerites, stay up all day and night waiting for his predicted second coming of Jesus. I'll let you guess why they call tomorrow the "Great Disappointment." 1879 - After a year of trial and error, Thomas Edison is able to make an incandescent light bulb last for 13 and a half hours before burning out. Artists unfortunately had no way to illustrate how the idea occurred to him. 1938 - Great Scott! Christopher Lloyd is born several years after his own death. 1952 - Hey here's something. Ahhh, today is, well it's a very important day. Jeff Goldblum is, um, born, and I want you to try something. I want you to go back...just go back, and uhh, read this in his voice. It'll be fun, I promise. 1964 - "No thanks." ~Jean-Paul Sartre on winning the Nobel Prize for Literature 1964 again - "How 'bout a leaf?" "Brilliant." ~Canadian Parliamentary Committee, deciding on the official design for the new national flag. 1973 - Ichiro Suzuki is born. He is already a better hitter than half of the MLB. 1999 - Maurice Papon, Vichy collaborator and Legion of Honor recipient, is imprisoned for crimes against humanity related to one of those things. Better late than never. 2014 - A terrorist gunman attacks the Canadian Parliament, killing a soldier and wounding three other people before being shot 31 times, giving Canadians a very brief, horrifying taste of what it's like to live in America. 2019 - Same-sex marriage is legal and abortion decriminalized in Northern Ireland. Not by voter action or judicial or legislative decree, but by default when their devolved legislative body does not reform. There's something to be said for laziness.

Mon. Oct. 21, 2019 Diane: 212 Susan: 518 FULL COUNT

On October 21 in History: 1096 - A Seljuq army defeats and destroys the People's Crusade. Given that the People's Crusade was little more than a mob of peasants with torches and pitchforks, this is not particularly impressive. 1097 - Real Crusaders settle in and lay siege to Antioch. "This is contrary to what we've come to expect!" ~The Seljuqs 1392 - Japanese Southern Court emperor Go-Kameyama abdicates to his Northern Court rival, in the understanding that the two courts will alternate rule from here on out. Spoiler: They do not. 1520 - The Strait of Magellan is discovered by none other than Ferdinand Magellan himself. What a remarkable coincidence! 1600 - Tokugawa Ieyasu decisively wins the Battle of Sekigahara. Some rivals will spend a few more years pretending Japan doesn't belong to him now, but it totally does. 1797 - The USS Constitution is launched from Boston Harbor. This is only noteworthy if you're aware that it's still there today. 1805 - The French-Spanish fleet lose 22 out of 33 ships at the Battle of Trafalgar, while the Royal Navy loses 0 out of 27...and Lord Nelson. So a wash, basically. 1833 - Birth of Alfred Nobel, who will be remembered for precisely two very different things. 1921 - Warren G. Harding is the first sitting U.S. president to give a speech against the practice of lynching in the South. Apparently, all prior presidents considered extrajudicial murder by racist mob to be an issue beneath their notice. 1944 - The city of Aachen, the old imperial capital, is the first German city to fall to Allied forces. Meanwhile, in the Battle of Leyte Gulf, a Japanese pilot crashes his plane into the HMAS Australia and holy shit, he did it on purpose. 1956 - Birth of Carrie Fisher, princess of cinnamon buns and queen of sick burns. 1965 - Comet Ikeya–Seki passes within 450,000 km of the Sun, and is clearly visible in the sky during the day. Firebenders the world over receive a sharp boost to their power. 1994 - North Korea signs an agreement with the U.S. to halt its nuclear weapons program and submit to inspections. "Sure, sure," they are quoted as saying.

On October 19 in History: 202 BCE -Scipio Africanus defeats Hannibal Barca at the Battle of Zama outside Carthage, ending the Second Punic War after 17 years. Quoth 30,000 very tired Romans: "AAAAAA! That's right! That's what you get!" 439 - Vandal king Gaiseric takes Carthage FROM the Romans. It is just not a good day to live in Carthage all around. 1216 - King John of England dies, leaving as successor his son Henry III, who is nine. "We'll take it." ~The English 1469 - King Ferrando II of Aragon and Queen Isabel of Castile get married. Big deal, another royal wedding. Like they'll ever actually do anything important. 1512 - Martin Luther gets his doctorate in Theology. Time to start thinking about stuff! 1789 - John Jay, a.k.a. "The Founding Father Nobody Remembers", is sworn in as the first Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court. 1812 - Napoleon gives up Moscow as a bad job and makes a run for it, cutting his losses. Said losses will unfortunately include roughly three fourths of his army. 1813 - Napoleon gets his ass kicked by a coalition of Russia, Prussia, Austria, and Sweden at the Battle of Leipzig and is forced to abandon Germany and run home with his tail between his legs. Not a good day to be Napoleon all around. 1866 - The Treaty of Vienna forces Austria to hand over Mantua and Veneto to France, who immediately regifts them to Italy as a thank-you for letting them take Nice and Savoy. 1900 - Max Planck discovers Planck's Law, which I'm putting on here as I assume it's important, though I have absolutely no idea what it is. I do history, not physics. 1921 - The prime minister of Portugal and several high level officials are murdered by disgruntled army men led by Colonel Manuel Maria Coelho. The new prime minister? One Manuel Maria Coelho. 1944 - "Told you." ~Gen. Douglas MacArthur, Philippines 1950 - The Battle of Pyongyang is a U.N. victory. A few hours later, up north: "Not so fast, muthafuckas!" ~China 1969 - South Park and Book of Mormon co-creator Trey Parker is born. He unfortunately shares his birthdate with Biggest Douche in the Universe John Edward. 1973 - Richard Nixon rejects a decision from an Appeals Court ordering him to turn over the Watergate tapes. Let's see how this plays out for him.

I was being facetious, but I won't deny that keeping track of things I enjoy is a fun way to pass the time. As for laughing, I do that after a lot of things. Have been now for, let's see...36! 36 years! Ah! Ah! Ah!

It's my birthday! To celebrate, I will count things, and then post them on the internet. Fri. Oct. 11, 2019 Tedd: 766 Elliot: 958 Ashley: 206 Grace: 879 Nanase: 603 Sarah: 682 Justin: 445 Mon. Oct. 14, 2019 Sarah: 683 Grace: 880 Justin: 446 Nanase: 604 Ashley: 207 Ellen: 686 Tedd: 767 Wed. Oct. 16, 2019 Grace: 881 Tedd: 768 Elliot: 959 Nanase: 605 Ashley: 208 Ellen: 687 Sarah: 684 Justin: 447 Fri. Oct. 18, 2019 Grace: 882 Elliot: 960 Ashley: 209 Nanase: 606 Ellen: 688 Sarah: 685 Justin: 448 FULL COUNT

He was just using a hypothetical to illustrate the absurdity of "buying Greenland".

On October 13 in History: 54 - Emperor Claudius dies mysteriously. It is likely he was poisoned by his wife, Agrippina Minor, so that her son, Nero, could take the throne. If true, she will come to regret this. 1307 - Philip IV the Fair of France has every Knight Templar in France he can get his hands on arrested at dawn, under charges of heresy. By a serendipitous coincidence, this frees him of his massive debt to the Order. 1399 - Henry Bolingbroke is crowned King Henry IV of England on the grounds that Richard II is just the worst. 1793 - Austrian and Prussian forces defeat a Revolutionary French army at the First Battle of Wissembourg, possibly because the French keep arresting their own commanders. 1903 - The Boston Americans (later Red Sox) win the first World Series against the Pittsburgh Pirates. So it doesn't matter how many times the Yankees win, because we did it first. 1908 - Margaret Travers Symons becomes the first woman to speak in British Parliament. Not because she's a member or anything; she just burst into the hall in the middle of a debate and shouted "Votes for women!" before being dragged out. Ironically the ballsiest thing anyone in that chamber had ever done. 1923 - After 1600 years, Istanbul is demoted, and Ankara becomes the capital of the new Turkish Republic. Geez, you offer people some of the best centuries of your life... 1925 - Margaret Thatcher is tragically born with an iron rod where her soul should be. 1943 - Italy's new government knows which side its bread is buttered on and declares war on Germany. 1944 - Soviet forces drive the Nazis out of Riga. As far as the Latvians are concerned, this basically just means "under new management." 1972 - Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571 crashes in the Andes mountains. The 28 survivors had been in the middle of watching the in-flight movie: a documentary on the Donner Party. 1989 - Birth of America's youngest Latina president. If I put it on here, it has to be true, even if it's the future. 2010 - 33 Chilean miners are winched from the shelter they've been trapped in for 69 days. I can only assume the number one thing on all of their minds was a shower. 2013 - Death of Takashi Yanase, whose claim to fame was creating a superhero whose head is a bean-jam bun. Sometimes the world is just fuckin' weird and you don't realize how much until you say it out loud. 2016 - The Maldives quits the Commonwealth. "It's not you; it's us."

Got a bit distracted, so this is technically late, but I haven't gone to bed yet so it still counts. On October 11 in History: 1138 - Possible date (as good a guess as any, though it could have been any time in the last couple of weeks) for the Battle of Crug Mawr, in which a Welsh army routs a numerically superior and better equipped English one through judicious use of their longbows. "Shit, man, we gotta remember that one," say the English. 1142 - The Jin and Southern Song draw a line an each tells the other not to come over onto their side. 1649 - Oliver Cromwell's army bursts into the Irish town of Wexford, which is in the process of surrendering, kills everybody and burns the whole place to the ground. If you thought the English didn't care much for Cromwell... 1899 - The South African Republic and the Orange Free State declare war on the British Empire. They will come to regret this, but not before making sure Britain will too. 1976 - George Washington is promoted to the rank of General of the Armies. Unfortunately, he is unable to attend the ceremony due to health reasons. 1991 - Professor Anita Hill testifies at a Supreme Court Justice confirmation hearing about her experience regarding sexual assault on the part of the nominee. Because time is cyclical and we never learn anything, this amounts to nothing. 1992 - Belcalis Marlenis Almánzar is born. That's quite a mouthful; if you want to catch on with people quickly, I'd suggest a stage name that's a little easier to remember, okurrr?

The package containing my notebook arrived yesterday, so this is as good a time as any to get caught up. Mon. Aug. 19, 2019 Tedd: 759 Ashley: 188 Elliot: 952 Ellen: 678 Jeremy: 58 (1st appearance since 2017) Wed. Aug. 21, 2019 Tedd: 760 Jeremy: 59 Ashley: 189 Fri. Aug. 23, 2019 Justin: 436 Sarah: 674 Nanase: 595 Elliot: 953 Ashley: 190 Ellen: 679 Grace: 867 Mon. Aug. 26, 2019 Nanase: 596 Justin: 437 Sarah: 675 Ashley: 191 Wed. Aug. 28, 2019 Ashley: 192 Nanase: 597 Ellen: 680 Fri. Aug. 30, 2019 Ashley: 193 Grace: 868 Ellen: 681 Nanase: 598 Justin: 438 Tedd: 761 Mon. Sept. 2, 2019 Mr. Tensaided: 68 Susan: 513 Diane: 207 Justin: 439 Ashley: 194 Ellen: 682 Grace: 869 Sarah: 676 Wed. Sept. 4, 2019 Ashley: 195 Justin: 440 Elliot: 954 Tedd: 762 Fri. Sept. 6, 2019 Nanase: 599 Ellen: 683 Ashley: 196 Sarah: 677 Tedd: 763 Elliot: 955 Grace: 870 Mon. Sept. 9, 2019 Ashley: 197 Justin: 441 Grace: 871 Nanase: 600 (6th) Wed. Sept. 11, 2019 Grace: 872 Ashley: 198 Sarah: 678 Fri. Sept. 13, 2019 Grace: 873 Ashley: 199 Tedd: 764 Elliot: 956 Ellen: 684 Nanase: 601 Sarah: 679 Justin: 442 Mon. Sept. 16, 2019 Diane: 208 Rick: 12 (2019 debut) Rhea: 18 (1st appearance since 2016) Elijah: 12 (2019 debut) Susan: 514 Wed. Sept. 18, 2019 Diane: 209 Susan: 515 Fri. Sept. 20, 2019 Susan: 516 Diane: 210 Mon. Sept. 23, 2019 Susan: 517 Diane: 211 Wed. Sept. 25, 2019 Grace: 874 Ashley: 200 (10th) Fri. Sept. 27, 2019 Sarah: 680 Justin: 443 Ashley: 201 Grace: 875 Mon. Sept. 30, 2019 Grace: 876 Ashley: 202 Wed. Oct. 2, 2019 Grace: 877 Ashley: 203 Fri. Oct. 4, 2019 Ashley: 204 Grace: 878 Mon. Oct. 7, 2019 Ellen: 685 Sarah: 681 Justin: 444 Nanase: 602 Ashley: 205 Wed. Oct. 9, 2019 Elliot: 957 Tedd: 765 FULL COUNT

On October 9 in History: 768 - Brothers Charles and Carloman are crowned Kings of the Franks. There can be only one. 1446 - Hangul, the most intuitive and logically constructed writing system in the world, is published. However, it shares the flaw of many written languages of representing sounds in words that are never actually pronounced. 1635 - Roger Williams is kicked out of the Massachusetts Bay Colony. "Fine! I'll just start my own colony! With blackjack! And hookers!" 1806 - Prussia gets the band back together and declares war on France. Fourth time's the charm? (It's not). 1825 - The first organized group of Norwegian immigrants arrive in New York Harbor aboard the Restauration, don'cha know. Donald Trump is delighted. 1919 - The Chicago White Sox let the Cincinnati Reds win the world series. 1936 - Birth of BRIAN BLESSED! 1940 - John Lennon is born. I can hardly wait To see you come of age, but I guess we'll both just have to be patient. 1950 - South Korean police murder 153 unarmed civilians - suspected sympathizers of the North (and their families) - in a cave in Goyang, Gyeonggi-do. Just in case you thought the war was a black and white issue. 1962 - Uganda becomes independent from [guess who?]. 1966 - In retaliation for the death of two soldiers three days before, South Korean forces kill 168 civilians in the village of Binh Tai in South Vietnam by setting their houses on fire from helicopters and shooting everyone who tries to run out. Good lord, I know there are a lot of holidays on the South Korean calendar, but what is today, Murder Day? 1967 - Ernesto "Che" Guevara is executed for trying to incite a revolution in Bolivia, but not before posing for a photographer from a T-shirt company. 1974 - Death of Oskar Schindler. He is survived by a wife, three children, and roughly 1,200 very good friends. 1975 - Birth of Sean Lennon. Whoa, what the hell? I can't even use the song that was literally written about this event, because I just used it six entries ago. 1983 - 21 people are killed and 46 injured when South Korean president Chun Doo-hwan narrowly escapes an assassination attempt in Rangoon, Burma by some North Korean bombers celebrating Murder Day. 2012 - The Pakistani Taliban attempts to execute schoolgirl Malala Yousefzai for having the audacity to go to school, and worse, encouraging other girls to do so. They succeed only in globally amplifying her message. Womp womp.

On October 7 in History: 1403 - The Venetian navy crushes the Genoese at the Battle of Modon off southwestern Greece. Haha! No no one will ever threaten our naval superiority again! 1513 - Spain defeats Venice at the Battle of La Motta but fails to capitalize on the victory. Land battle! Doesn't count! 1571 - The Ottoman navy is defeated for the first time ever at the Battle of Lepanto, the largest naval battle in Western history since classical times. The victors? The Holy League (mostly Spain and Venice). Hey, time and common enemies heal all wounds. 1763 - George III closes off all lands north and west of the Alleghenies, reserving it for indigenous populations. "We'll see about this," say brave patriots who desire "independence from tyranny", if you catch my drift. 1868 - Cornell University opens, with an enrollment of an insane 412, breaking all records. No, really. 1879 - Austria-Hungary and the German Empire create the Dual Alliance, promising to defend the other should one of them be attacked by Russia, and also to remain "benevolently neutral" should one of them be attacked by anyone else (read: France). The idea is to prevent war in Europe, or at least limit its scope. I think they've got the right idea. 1940 - Naval intelligence officer Lieutenant Commander Arthur H. McCollum, specializing in East Asian affairs, sends a memo to his superiors suggesting that the U.S. take action to provoke the Japanese into committing an overt act of war, so that the American government would have a ready excuse to declare war on them. Pfsh. Like that'd work. 1952 - Birth of Vladimir Putin. The doctor who spanks him is found dead hours later under mysterious circumstances. 1955 - Internationally acclaimed cellist Yo-Yo Ma is born. Not to be confused with internationally ridiculed failure pile Yo' Mama. 1987 - Sikh nationalists in Khalistan declare independence from India. Nobody cares. 1996 - The propaganda wing of the U.S. Republican Party begins broadcasting. At first they try to pretend they're a news network. How cute. 1998 - Matthew Shepard is found beaten and tied to a fence in Laramie, Wyoming, because people are just the worst.

On October 6 in History: 23 - A recently captured and deposed Wang Mang dies do to a sudden onset of having-his-head-cut-off. 618 - Wang Shichong defeats his rival Li Mi at the Battle of Yanshi for succession of the Sui Dynasty. Jokes on him, though. Li takes refuge with some folks called Tang. 649 - Future Mayan king Yuknoom Yichʼaak Kʼahkʼ ("Jaguar Paw Smoke") is born. What was he the king of, you ask? KAAN! 1539 - Hernando de Soto and his men occupy the town of Anhaica, the Apalachee capital. it's called Tallahassee now, since the jerks didn't even keep it and it was renamed by Creek refugees who moved in after they left. 1683 - The first major wave of German immigrants to America found the creatively named Germantown, Pennsylvania. In case anyone thought they were worried about flying under the radar. 1789 - Louis XVI is made to move into the city where people can keep an eye on him. 1908 - Austria-Hungary annexes the former Ottoman territory of Bosnia and Herzegovina. Serbia and Montenegro are very upset by this. Italy and Russia aren't too happy, either. Eh, I'm sure it'll work itself out. 1927 - Premier of The Jazz Singer, a motion picture in which there is actually synchronized sound of the actors speaking. I hate these flashy gimmicks. Just make a good film and people will see it. 1939 - The German invasion of Poland is complete with the end of the Battle of Kock, which history teachers often gloss over due to the difficulty of explaining details over all the giggling. 1943 - Twelve civilian women and an old man are burned alive by Fritz Schubert's paramilitary force in the village of Kali Sykia on Crete, in an effort to terrorize the people of the island into ceasing their resistance to Nazi occupation. For some weird reason, it doesn't work. 1970 - Birth of Amy Jo Johnson. As a teenager, she'll develop quite an attitude. 1973 - Egypt and Syria launch a surprise attack on Israel on Yom Kippur, which coincidentally is also during the month of Ramadan. Nothing is sacred, indeed. 1976 - China's Gang of Four are arrested, finally bringing an end to the disastrous and nightmarish Cultural Revolution. "Oh, thank whatever we're allowed to believe in now!" say the remaining people of China. 2010 - Instagram is founded. Also known as Twitter for people who can't read.

On October 4 in History: 23 - Rebels storm the capital city of Chang'an, bringing an end to the rule of Wang Mang. "We're comin' back, baby!" ~The Han 1226 - Death of Francis of Assisi, one of the most celebrated religious figures of the common era. I suppose the real mystery is why it took so long for a Pope to borrow his name. 1582 - Pope Gregory XIII announces that tomorrow is going to be October 15. Deal with it. 1957 - Sputnik 1 is the world's first artificial satellite. It beeps. 1958 - France adopts a new constitution. Fifth time's the charm? 1970 - Janis Joplin joins the 27 club, a club that doesn't actually exist, is packed to the brim with august company, and that nobody actually wants to join. Slow news day.

Lol. My QC has be lax lately.

On September 29 in History: 106 BCE - Birth of Pompey the Great. Or, as he's known at birth, Pompey. This is actually really sad if you remember reading about him yesterday. 1227 - Pope Gregory IX excommunicates Holy Roman Emperor Frederick II for not taking part in the Crusades. This seems harsh, until you remember that the position of HRE is supposed to be the military and political leader of Christendom. So this is like the original, "Dude, you had ONE job." 1267 - The Treaty of Montgomery has good news and bad news for Llywelyn ap Gruffudd. Good news: You get to be Prince of Wales! Bad news: You have to be a vassal of Henry III of England. "Well, this will be the Last time a Welsh prince makes any deals with an English king, I can tell you!" 1907 - The cornerstone for Washington National Cathedral is laid. Wait for it... 1918 - Germany's Supreme Army Command to the Kaiser and the Chancellor: "Look, we're getting our asses kicked out there and everyone's exhausted. Maybe we should look into calling this off." 1943 - Lech Wałęsa, perhaps the greatest Pole of modern times, is ironically born while there is no Poland. 1990 - Construction is complete on the Washington National Cathedral. 87 years; not too shabby by medieval European standards. I can just see some guy putting off hammering in that last nail for like a week so they can say they finished today. 1994 - Trihb of reigns Halsey.

Lol. I just realized I used the exact sort of comment I would normally use sarcastically. Oh, well.

On September 28 in History: 551 BCE - Birth of Confucius. One of the most influential philosophers in East Asian history, he is better known today for his collection of punny, mildly racist proverbs. 48 BCE - Pompey the Great is unceremoniously assassinated by Egyptians under Ptolemy XIII who are trying to ingratiate themselves to Caesar. I'll let you guess how well that ends up working for them. 935 - Wenceslaus I of Bohemia, a.k.a. Good King Wenceslaus of Christmas carol fame, is murdered by his brother Boleslaus I, who is, shall we say, less good. 995 - Boleslaus II, son of Boleslaus the Cruel (wonder where he got that name), unites Bohemia under his rule by slaughtering nearly everyone in the rival Slavník dynasty. Like father, like son. 1066 - William the Bastard lands in England and sets about changing his epithet. 1106 - At the Battle of Tinchebray, Henry I of England, son of the above, defeats his brother Robert II of Normandy, also son of the above, completing his English conquest of Normandy. History is weird. 1238 - James I of Aragon conquers Valencia from the Moops, er, the Moors. He would like you to know that he is now also James I of Valencia. 1781 - American forces and French ships lay siege to the British army at Yorktown. "This time, we've got 'em for sure." 1871 - Brazil frees all government-owned slaves, and decrees that any children born to slaves after today will be born free. Private citizens can keep the ones they've already got, though. We're not monsters. 1891 - Herman Melville dies, one can only assume while yelling out some pretentious, overly loquacious Shakespearean diatribe. 1912 - Over half a million Protestant unionists sign the Ulster Covenant, opposing Irish home rule. Oh, this isn't gonna be good. 1928 - Complete slob Alexander Fleming notices some mold growing in one of the petri dishes he left sitting out while he went on vacation. That's funny. 1934 - Brigitte Bardot is born. "You're welcome." ~God 1939 - Hitler and Stalin amicably divide Poland between them in what is sure to be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

On September 27 in History: 1066 - "Hey guys, let's go to England." "Ballin'." ~William the Bastard and his Norman army 1529 - Forces of Suleiman the Magnificent dig in, intending to make Vienna the next Constantinople if you catch my drift. 1590 - Pope Urban VII dies after 12 and a half days in office. "Shit. It took us longer than that to pick him." 1669 - Venice surrenders the fortress and city of Candia on Crete after a 21 year siege. Jesus, talk about being stubborn. I'm not even sure which side I'm saying that about. 1777 - The Continental Congress evacuates Philadelphia and Lancaster, Pennsylvania becomes the capital of the United States. For a day. And if I know anything about small cities, they haven't shut up about it to this day. 1916 - Uncrowned emperor Iyasu V of Ethiopia is deposed in favor of his aunt, Zewdita, so that she can sit around doing nothing while her cousin Ras Tafari runs the country. 1921 - Death of German composer Engelbert Humperdinck. If you're thinking I included him purely because his name is so fun to say, you would be correct. 1940 - Even though they've all already started their respective wars and invasions, Germany, Italy, and Japan decide to formally team up in case the U.S. ever decides to get off its ass. 1972 - Gwyneth Paltrow. Like most newborn humans, she is covered in Goop. 1993 - Abkhaz separatists violate a U.N. ceasefire and storm the city of Sukhumi, siezing it. "Hey guys, let's violently and brutally rape, torture, and murder all the Georgian civilians we can find. That ought to generate sympathy for our cause in the international community." 1998 - People are now able to search for things and information on the internet using Google. Man, there's gotta be a quicker way to say that. 2017 - Death of noted philanthropist, animal rights activist, and freedom of speech advocate Hugh Hefner. He's also known for something else, but I just can't put my finger on it. It's on the tit of my tongue.

On September 26 in History: 1087 - William II is crowned King of England. Be careful while hunting, your majesty. 1290 - Margaret, a princess of Norway and only surviving heir to the throne of Scotland (of which she is now technically queen), dies en route to her new realm at only four years old. Oh, this isn't gonna be good. 1580 - Francis Drake completes his circumnavigation. In response to detractors who say Magellan did it first, he glances toward a map of the Philippines and says, "Did he?" 1688 - English parliament votes to support an invasion of their own country by a foreign army. It makes sense in context. 1774 - Johnny Appleseed is born after an apple tree crisscrosses the country artificially inseminating various women. 1898 - George Gershwin is born to the accompaniment of a rising clarinet glissando. 1905 - Albert Einstein publishes a paper that includes his special theory of relativity, an upgraded version of his regular theory of relativity available only to gold card members. 1917 - The Battle of Polygon Wood is fought near Ypres in Belgium, which sees thousands of soldiers hurling blocks of solid oak, cherry, and mahogany cut into finely measured geometric shapes at each other. I apologize for nothing. 1960 - Presidential candidates Richard Nixon and John F. Kennedy debate each other on live TV for the first time. Nixon comes off as saggy, sweaty, and unlikable, decades before these would inexplicably turn into selling points. 1968 - Jim Caviezel is born. Three Iranian astronomers who happen to be passing offer his family some jewelry and incense as celebratory gifts. 1969 - The Beatles release Abbey Road. Hope y'all got your fill, 'cause there ain't no more. 1981 - Serena Williams is born. Good luck living up to your big sister. 1983 - A man named Stanislav Petrov, a Soviet Air Force officer, saves the world and the entire human race when he realizes that a computer error is exactly that as opposed to an incoming American nuclear attack, and therefore does not follow protocol by passing it up the chain. Why do we not have parades celebrating this man on an annual basis? 1984 - The UK agrees to return Hong Kong to China in 1997. To be fair, they don't really have much choice in the matter. Not consulted: Hong Kong. 1988 - Birth of Lilly Singh, a media personality whom it's getting harder and harder for middle aged white people to pretend they haven't heard of. 2019 - The British Natural Environment Research Council launches its new research vessel for the British Antarctic Survey, the RRS Sir David Attenborough. It contains a remotely controlled submersible vehicle called Boaty McBoatface because the internet is stupid.

On September 23 in History: 63 BCE - A baby boy is born to the small plebian family of Octavia, praenomen Gaius. Keep your eye on this one; I've got a good feeling about him. 1215 - A baby boy named Kublai is born, the fourth son of the fourth son of one Genghis Khan. Keep your eye on this one; I've got a good feeling about him. 1241 - Snorri Sturluson dies, thankfully not before writing down the bulk of what we know about pre-Christian Scandanavian history and mythology. He is, in a way, directly responsible for the inclusion of Thor and Loki in the Marvel Universe. Thank you, sir. 1338 - The Battle of Arnemuiden is the first naval battle to employ gunpowder artillery (3 cannons and a handgun on the English lead ship), and is an overwhelming victory for the French, who seize all the cargo and ships from their hated enemy. At this rate, this war will be over in no time. 1459 - Things have finally come to blows between the Yorkists and Lancastrians for the throne of England at the Battle of Blore Heath. A decisive Yorkist victory, we can only hope this portends a swift resolution to the conflict. 1641 - English trade ship the Merchant Royal sinks off Land's End in Cornwall while carrying over $1.5 billion of gold (in today's money), not to mention another million in silver, and half a million pieces of eight, however much that's worth. Anyone wanna go diving? 1806 - Lewis and Clark arrive back in St. Louis, full of stories of all kinds of crazy stuff they saw, and no doubt also about the pregnant young woman who saved their asses on countless occasions. 1889 - A little company is founded by Fusajiro Yamauchi in Kyoto to make and sell hanafuda cards. You probably haven't heard of it. 1905 - Norway and Sweden have a relatively amicable breakup and agree to still be friends after taking some time to focus on themselves for a little while. 1932 - The unification of Saudi Arabia is complete. I was going to make another Captain Planet joke, but this is really more like Cell absorbing 17 and 18. 1939 - Death of Sigmund Freud and, hopefully, most of his crazier ideas. 1949 - Bruce Springsteen is born. You know where. 1973 - Death of Pablo Neruda. Maybe it's cancer, maybe it's murder, maybe it's Maybelline.

On September 22 in History: 1598 - Playwright Ben Johnson kills actor Gabriel Spenser in a duel. "Any more notes on the dialogue, Gabe?" 1692 - "All right, we'll hang eight more, and then that's IT. No more witch trials. Agreed?" ~Salem, Massachusetts 1823 - Joseph Smith purportedly finds a bunch of golden plates with a message from God himself, and then proceeds to never let anyone see or examine them except his own family. You know, like a normal person would do. 1896 - "Eat it, Grandpa George," ~Victoria, longest reigning British monarch 1939 - Nazi German and Soviet soldiers celebrate stealing Poland together in the city of Brest-Litovsk. Ideological opposites, ladies and gentlemen. 1941 - Roughly 6,000 survivors of the of the killings over the last few days of over 24,000 Jews in Ukraine are found and murdered by SS troopers in the town of Vinnytsia. Happy Jewish New Year. 1965 - The Indo-Pakistani War over Kashmir halts without resolving anything when the U.N. demands a cease-fire. Oh, this'll end well. 1980 - Iraq invades Iran. This'll end really well. 1999 - Death of George C. Scott. You may remember him for his portrayal of Gen. Patton, for which he won an Oscar that he refused, or for his fondness of the big board and his determination not to allow a mine shaft gap. To me, though, he will always be Ebeneezer Scrooge. 2015 - Yogi Berra dies. He never said most of the things he said.

Gosh, can you imagine?

On September 21 in History: 19 BCE - Virgil dies. I have it on good authority he goes to Hell. 1170 - The Norse Kingdom of Dublin in Ireland falls to invaders from England, originally from Normandy. Bloody Vikings everywhere. 1327 - Edward II of England dies of an acute case of red-hot-poker-up-the-bum. ALLEGEDLY. 1435 - At the Congress of Arras, England's ally in the Hundred Years War, Burgundy, pulls a Benedict Arnold and sides with France instead. "Well, shit," says England. 1745 - Jacobite forces under Bonnie Prince Charlie defeat the army sent by the crown government at the Battle of Prestonpans in East Lothian, Scotland. In about ten minutes. Looks like Britain will be Catholic again before you know it, lads. 1780 - American revolutionary general Benedict Arnold pulls a Burgundy and gives the plans to West Point to the British, joining up with them instead. "Not so funny from the other end, is it?" says Britain to America's French allies. 1792 - "That's it! No more kings!" ~ The French National Convention 1840 - Future Ottoman Sultan Murad V is born. Wait for it... 1842 - Future Ottoman Sultan Abdul Hamid II, brother of the above, is born. Certainly makes birthday parties more convenient. Or awkward, if Ottoman princes haven't gotten over that old tradition of killing each other to clear a path to the throne yet. 1866 - The infant H.G. Wells arrives from the future in an invisible time machine from Mars. 1912 - Animator Chuck Jones is born. He is terrified when a car horn beeps outside the window near his crib and the experience will stay with him forever. 1937 - An Oxford professor who likes making up languages publishes a children's book he came up with on a whim. You probably haven't heard of it. 1947 - Author Stephen King is born. The exact circumstances are too horrifying to repeat here, but it's safe to assume the experience will stay with him forever. 1949 - The People's Republic of China is formally established. As usual, with the partial exception of China, it is none of those things. 1964 - Malta gains its independence. There is no prize for guessing whom from. 1981 - Belize gets its independence. From the same country as Malta, naturally. 1981 again - Sandra Day O'Connor becomes the first female U.S. Supreme Court Justice by unanimous approval of the Senate. Either there are no sexists in the Senate, or even they realize that voting no would be a terrible idea. I tend to assume the latter. 1986 - Dancing violinist Lindsey Stirling is born. Too bad there's no market for people who can merge two impressive talents together, right Simon Cowell? 1991 - Armenia becomes independent. No no, from the Soviet Union this time. 1993 - Russian president Boris Yeltsin dissolves parliament despite not having the constitutional power to do so. "God dammit, not again." ~Everyone in Russia

Was 100% expecting this and am very excited about it.