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Illjwamh

This Day In History

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On July 29 in History

587 BCE - Jerusalem is sacked and the First Temple destroyed by the Neo-Babylonian Empire. This looks like it might spell the end of this Abrahamic "monotheism" thing.

238 - The Praetorian Guard, elite personal bodyguards of the Roman Emperors, storm the palace and abduct/execute the Roman Emperors, two dudes named Pupienus and Balbinus. In their place is put 13 year-old Gordian III, who one can only assume is told not to get too comfortable.

615 - Not to be outdone by young Gordian, Pakal becomes king of Palenque at age 12. Considering he will later be known as "the Great", I'm guessing he's more suited to the job than his Roman counterpart.

1030 - In the Battle of Stiklestad, Olaf II Haraldsson dies while trying to regain the Norwegian throne. I don't really have a joke, I just like saying "Stiklestad".

1148 - A decisive loss at the Siege of Damascus puts an end to the Second Crusade. For those who missed their chance to rape, pillage, and slaughter for the Lord, don't worry: we're thinking of having another one in about forty years or so.

1567 - James VI is crowned King of Scotland. He harbors a secret ambition to somehow lower his regnal number.

1588 - At the Battle of Gravelines, the Spanish Armada is defeated when the British Royal Navy's strategy of shooting their ships before they could get close enough to board proves a smashing success, if you'll pardon the pun.

1836 - The Arc de Triomphe is inaugurated in Paris, honoring all those who fought in the Revolution and the Napoleonic Wars. It also has a list of all French victories in those conflicts, as well as all victorious generals. Not Pictured: Russia, Leipzig, Waterloo.

1921 - The insignificantly tiny yet possibly subversive National Socialist German Workers Party installs as its new leader one Adolf Hitler, who only joined in the first place to keep an eye on them under orders from his military intelligence superiors. Nothing to worry about.

1958 - U.S. president Eisenhower officially creates NASA, and tells them to get off their fannies.

1981 - The Royal Wedding of Charles and Diana takes place in London. Invited guests are outnumbered three to one by the press, as of course is tradition.

2005 - Eris, largest dwarf planet in the Solar System by mass and second by volume, is discovered. Its name (after the goddess of strife) is remarkably apropos, as its discovery directly leads to the redefinition of Pluto, which to this day people are still arguing about.

2015 - Microsoft pretends the number 9 doesn't exist.

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Just now, Illjwamh said:

2015 - Microsoft pretends the number 9 doesn't exist.

No, they claim that it'd be too confusing for people who grew up using Windows 9X. Because removing the X would feel like a downgrade. ;)

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On July 30 in History:

762 - Baghdad is founded. A cultural and political hub, it is also a center of learning and enlightenment. No doubt it will be a beacon of wisdom and civilization to all of humanity for centuries to come.

1419 - The First Defenestration of Prague is exactly what it sounds like: an enraged Hussite mob demonstrates their frustrations by hurling a judge and six other city council members out a window to their deaths. The key word I want you to focus on here is: "first".

1619 - The House of Burgesses, the first representative body in the Americas, convenes in Jamestown, Virginia. First order of business: Wtf is a burgess?

1912 - Death of Emperor Mutsuhito. I mean Meiji. His name is Meiji now. He was never called that in life, and must never be called anything else in death. That won't confuse anybody.

1930 - In Uruguay, the first FIFA World Cup is won by the home team and a grand tradition is born. In the USA, another tradition is born as, despite their team placing third overall, nobody cares.

1947 - Arnold Schwarzenegger is born. I have no evidence for this, but I can only assume that either A.) it was done by C-section, or B.) his mother is Elastigirl.

1956 - "In God We Trust" is authorized as the U.S. national motto. If modern conservative rhetoric is to be believed, this makes our founding fathers roughly two centuries old at the time of their deaths.

1962 - The Trans-Canada Highway, longest in the world, opens. When South Park said, "To go anywhere in Canada, just follow the only road," they kind of weren't kidding.

1965 - Medicare and Medicaid are signed into law. This is because for some strange reason people actually think providing health care for people who need it is a good idea. Also, no Johnsoncare jokes. I'm better than that.

1971 - Apollo 15 astronauts David Scott and James Irwin become the first people to drive on the moon. Suck it, Armstrong.

1974 - US President Nixon releases an White House audio recordings after being ordered to by the Supreme Court, because - and I can't stress this enough - that is something they have the power to do.

1975 - In one of America's most enduring mysteries, Teamsters Union leader Jimmy Hoffa is

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13 hours ago, Illjwamh said:

1947 - Arnold Schwarzenegger is born. I have no evidence for this, but I can only assume that either A.) it was done by C-section, or B.) his mother is Elastigirl.

And here I thought he was made in a factory.

7 hours ago, Illjwamh said:

It is actually derived from burgher (referring to townfolk rather than delicious meat patty sandwiches). That's boring, though.

So the Burgher Meister isn't the Master of Burgers? That's too bad.

7 hours ago, Pharaoh RutinTutin said:

Can't one also be the other?

Of course, but as Willy Wonka said, "that is called cannibalism, my dear children, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies."

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31 July

30 BC – Battle of Alexandria: Mark Antony achieves a minor victory over Octavian's forces, but most of his army subsequently deserts, leading to his suicide.  When your troops desert after winning, the problems inside your army are probably bigger than that posed by the enemy.

781 – The oldest recorded eruption of Mount Fuji (Traditional Japanese date: 6th day of the 7th month of the 1st year of the Ten'o (天応) era).  Official records from before that point mysteriously vanished under molten rock.

1588 – The Spanish Armada is spotted off the coast of England.  Polka dots are not a good fashion choice for naval vessels.

1618 – Maurice, Prince of Orange disbands the waardgelders militia in Utrecht, a pivotal event in the Remonstrant/Counter-Remonstrant tensions.  There is some disagreement on the identity of the Prince of Orange.  Some people call him the space cowboy.  Some call him the gangster of love.  Only some people call him Maurice, 'cause he speaks of the pompitous of love...

1703 – Daniel Defoe is placed in a pillory for the crime of seditious libel after publishing a politically satirical pamphlet, but is pelted with flowers.  Did Mr Defoe have hay fever?  Were the flowers thorny roses?  Were the flowers still in the vase?

1712 – Action of 31 July 1712 (Great Northern War): Danish and Swedish ships clash in the Baltic Sea; the result is inconclusive.  Ammunition is spent.  Effort is expended.  Equipment is damaged.  People are hurt and killed.  And the politicians who started the war are in the same position they occupied before the battle.  Inconclusive?  That sounds like the conclusion of most human conflict. 

1715 – Seven days after a Spanish treasure fleet of 12 ships left Havana, Cuba for Spain, 11 of them sink in a storm off the coast of Florida. A few centuries later, treasure is salvaged from these wrecks.  The only thing surprising is that it take CENTURIES for someone to start salvaging treasure from the wrecks.

1777 – The U.S. Second Continental Congress passes a resolution that the services of Gilbert du Motier (Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette) "be accepted, and that, in consideration of his zeal, illustrious family and connexions, he have the rank and commission of major-general of the United States."  Apparently all you need to get a commission as a general is connexions, and to bring your own army.

1790 – The first U.S. patent is issued, to inventor Samuel Hopkins for a potash process.  That's the recipient of the first US patent?  There was nothing under review with a little more pizazz that could have been moved to the front of the line for patent number one?

1938 – Archaeologists discover engraved gold and silver plates from King Darius the Great in Persepolis.  And all this time, Darius had accused the hired help of stealing his fancy dishes.

1948 – At Idlewild Field in New York, New York International Airport (later renamed John F. Kennedy International Airport) is dedicated.  Still waiting for them to find my luggage.

1948 – USS Nevada is sunk by an aerial torpedo after surviving hits from two atomic bombs (as part of post-war tests) and being used for target practice by three other ships.  Which shipyard built the Nevada and why aren't they building every US Navy vessel?

1970 – Black Tot Day: The last day of the officially sanctioned rum ration in the Royal Navy.  It seems the Admiralty finally ran out of responses to the old chanty "What Do You Do With A Drunken Sailor?"

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6 hours ago, Pharaoh RutinTutin said:

Inconclusive?  That sounds like the conclusion of most human conflict. 

With all too few exceptions. The final sack of Carthage might have been one, but the Romans really went to great lengths there.

6 hours ago, Pharaoh RutinTutin said:

Apparently all you need to get a commission as a general is connexions, and to bring your own army.

It was actually a demotion. Until then he had called himself Lord Supreme Grand Marshal of the Auxiliaires Americaines.

6 hours ago, Pharaoh RutinTutin said:

Which shipyard built the Nevada and why aren't they building every US Navy vessel?

I dunno, but I can't help but wonder if they were the ones who built the USS Yorktown as well. That durn thing survived so hard a beating for so long that it was reported killed three times before it actually sank.

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01 August

30 BC – Octavian (later known as Augustus) enters Alexandria, Egypt, bringing it under the control of the Roman Republic.  The old religion is relegated to the status of historical curiosity.  Mark Antony, Roman general and politician, is dead.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CarU7kkS5k8  

1714 – With the death of Queen Anne, George, Elector of Hanover, becomes King George I of Great Britain, marking the beginning of the House of Hanover and the Georgian era of British history.  The Georgian era extends well beyond a few Kings.  There are also names of colonies, leaders of rebellious colonies, and the most important George of all.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4hXdsVUnp4

1800 – The Acts of Union 1800 are passed which merge the Kingdom of Great Britain and the Kingdom of Ireland into the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland.  Officially mentioning Ireland in the overall name of the Kingdom should convince the Irish that they are not being ruled by a foreign power.

1801 – First Barbary War: The American schooner USS Enterprise captures the Tripolitan polacca Tripoli in a single-ship action off the coast of modern-day Libya.  And Captain Kirk beams down for a romantic encounter with a local female.

1834 – Slavery is abolished in the British Empire as the Slavery Abolition Act 1833 comes into force.  Too bad they didn't get around to this about sixty years earlier.

1981 – MTV begins broadcasting in the United States and airs its first video, "Video Killed the Radio Star" by The Buggles.  Yes, there actually was a time when MTV played music.

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4 hours ago, Pharaoh RutinTutin said:

1834 – Slavery is abolished in the British Empire as the Slavery Abolition Act 1833 comes into force.  Too bad they didn't get around to this about sixty years earlier.

Sadly they were something other than uniformly prompt in enforcing this act. In fact, this act itself contained large exceptions: Sri Lanka, Saint Helena, and "territories in the possession of the East India Company".

Still, the notion that slavery is inherently wrong is a western-European, and largely British, invention.

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02 August

338 BC – A Macedonian army led by Philip II defeated the combined forces of Athens and Thebes in the Battle of Chaeronea, securing Macedonian hegemony in Greece and the Aegean.  All of Greece ruled by one King.  Will anyone be able to top that?

216 BC – The Carthaginian army led by Hannibal defeats a numerically superior Roman army at the Battle of Cannae.  And without Elephants.

1776 – The signing of the United States Declaration of Independence took place.  It took nearly a month to make a pen big enough for John Hancock to write his enormous signature.

1870 – Tower Subway, the world's first underground tube railway, opens in London, England, United Kingdom.

1873 – The Clay Street Hill Railroad begins operating the first cable car in San Francisco's famous cable car system.   Must be the day for opening municipal mass transit.

1914 – The German occupation of Luxembourg during World War I begins.  Not to condone the violation of neutrality, but with an army of under 400 and a total national population smaller than most large cities, how difficult is it for a foreign power to actually "occupy" the Grand Duchy?

1932 – The positron (antiparticle of the electron) is discovered by Carl D. Anderson.  Aunti Matter finally lets herself be photographed for the family album.

1943 – World War II: The Motor Torpedo Boat PT-109 is rammed by the Japanese destroyer Amagiri and sinks. Lt. John F. Kennedy saves all but two of his crew.  This story will be told a few more times from the Pacific to the White House.

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9 hours ago, Pharaoh RutinTutin said:

but with an army of under 400 and a total national population smaller than most large cities, how difficult is it for a foreign power to actually "occupy" the Grand Duchy?

That depends. If that power happens to be Monaco or the Vatican, it might be a bit more even match.

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Whoops!

This got posted late.

03 August

881 – Battle of Saucourt-en-Vimeu: Louis III of France defeats the Vikings, an event celebrated in the poem Ludwigslied.  The French BEAT the Vikings?  Well, if enough battles are fought, statistically there is bound to be that one time everything goes right for the underdog.

1492 – Christopher Columbus sets sail from Palos de la Frontera, Spain.  Let's check back in a few months.

1852 – Harvard University wins the first Boat Race between Yale University and Harvard. The race is also the first American intercollegiate athletic event.  What was the point of college before intercollegiate athletics?

1859 – The American Dental Association is founded in Niagara Falls, New York.  Don't let the secret out, but they actually do more than just slap their logo on tubes of toothpaste.

1900 – The Firestone Tire and Rubber Company is founded.  Time to retire.

1914 – World War I: Germany declares war against France, while Romania declares its neutrality.  Romania, you have the only petroleum reserves in central Europe.  Good luck maintaining that neutrality.

1921 – Major League Baseball Commissioner Kenesaw Mountain Landis confirms the ban of the eight Chicago Black Sox, the day after they were acquitted by a Chicago court.  Just like Captain Renault in Casablanca, Judge Landis was shocked! Shocked to find that gambling is going on in here.

1936 – Jesse Owens wins the 100 metre dash at the Berlin Olympics.  "Master Race" doesn't apply to the 100m?

1977 – Tandy Corporation announces the TRS-80, one of the world's first mass-produced personal computers.  Even when they were new and state-of-the-art, they were well known as the "TRaSh-80" computers.  Didn't Radio Shack run the name past a fifth grade class before putting it up for sale?

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04 August

1693 – Date traditionally ascribed to Dom Perignon's invention of champagne.  Whether or not he actually invented the drink or developed the methods for producing and storing sparkling wine is a bit uncertain.  The historian may have over sampled the subject matter in the research. 

1790 – On the advice of Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton, a newly passed tariff act creates the Revenue Cutter Service.  This agency would eventually become the United States Coast Guard.  So that's another great idea from Hamilton.  Did Aaron Burr have any opinion on the matter?

1821 – The Saturday Evening Post is published for the first time as a weekly newspaper.  It would be 95 years before Norman Rockwell would paint his first cover

1892 – Andrew Jackson Bordon and Abby Durfee Gray Bordon, father and step-mother of Lizzie Bordon, are discovered in their Fall River, Massachusetts home.  Dead from multiple axe wounds.  The court may have acquitted Miss Bordon. But will we deny the truth of a snappy playground poem?

1900 Birth of Elizabeth Angela Marguerite Bowes-Lyon, Queen Elizabeth The Queen Mother.  If Herr Schicklgruber believed her to be the Most Dangerous Woman in Europe, she must have done something right.

1914  – After Germany invaded Belgium, the British Empire and Belgium declare war on Germany.  Fine gesture on the part of Britain.  But is it actually necessary for Belgium to declare war on a country that has already invaded them?  Did Germany really expect the Belgians to treat the German Army as tourists?

1956 – Elvis Presley's recording of Hound Dog is released.  Does the birth of Rock mean the death of Grammar?

1957 – The Everly Brothers appear on Ed Sullivan performing Bye Bye Love and Wake Up Little Suzie, which should be the line Susan utters to activate her fairy dolls.

1958 – Billboard Magazine published its first Hot 100 chart.  A single chart to track popular music from juke boxes, radio play, and sales across all musical genres?  There may be some possibility for controversy there.

1987 – The Federal Communications Commission rescinds the Fairness Doctrine which had required radio and television stations to present controversial issues "fairly".  It can be difficult to present a narrative of opinion unencumbered by fact if you must remain "fair".

2007 – NASA's Phoenix spacecraft is launched.  Amazingly, the probe arrive at Mars as scheduled and did the job it was designed to do.  Didn't anyone at  NASA know the story of the Mythical Phoenix?  Is that really the legend you want associated with your flying machines?

Also, August 04 is the Feast of Saint Sithney.  Patron Saint of Mad Dogs.  Apparently he liked to go out in the noon day sun.  

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3 hours ago, Pharaoh RutinTutin said:

Did Aaron Burr have any opinion on the matter?

If he had, I am sure he would have shot it down.

3 hours ago, Pharaoh RutinTutin said:

Did Germany really expect the Belgians to treat the German Army as tourists?

Possibly not expect. But they had their hopes. It was their belief that if the Belgians merely rolled over and let the Germans have their way, they might pass through so fast that it could have become a political fait accompli and that other countries, principally England, would merely have issued formal diplomatic protests. But because of the 'unwarranted' Belgian resistance the advance got so bogged down that England was eventually forced to declare war in spite of considerable reluctance to do so at even this late date. The Germans resented this stiff Belgian resistance and as a result treated the Belgians very harshly to 'teach them a lesson.'

Rather to the surprise of the somewhat befuddled General Staff of the Germans, the Belgians resented this and provided them with considerable trouble throughout the occupation.

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On August 5 in History:

25 - "Han Dynasty's back, muthaf*****!" ~ Guangwu (They're in the East now).

910 - Raiding Danes are kicked out of England for the last time at the Battle of Tettenhall. Ha ha! Now England belongs to the Anglo-Saxons forever!

1100 - Henry I is crowned King of England. Despite being an exceptionally strong, capable, and effective ruler for 35 years, he is still at best only England's third most notable Henry.

1305 - William Wallace is captured near Glasgow, forcing Scotland to move on to the next charismatic freedom fighter with a vendetta against England.

1583 - The first officially declared English colony in North America (St. John's, N&L), predates Jamestown, VA by 23 years. Nobody lives there. You see, Americans? You're still special.

1620 - A ship called the Mayflower departs England for the new world. It's full of people who have no idea what they're doing, and any settlement is not likely to last long.

1860 - King Charles XV of Sweden adds "and Norway" to his title. His mantle is filling up with crowns.

1888 - The world's first road trip, from Mannheim to Pforzheim (an insane 65 mi./104 km), is undertaken by Bertha Benz and her two teenage sons. It takes all day. Among numerous other firsts, this is thought to be the first utterance of the phrase, "Are we there yet?"

1925 - With the Welsh language in danger of dying out, the political party Plaid Cyrmu is formed with the goal of reviving it. Other political aims include Welsh independence from England, and a severe restriction on vowels.

1940 - Joseph Stalin assumes everyone will be too distracted by Hitler to notice him annexing Latvia. He is correct.

1960 - Burkina Faso gains independence from France. "We still get trade deals and foreign aid and stuff though, right?"

1962 - For the heinous crime of suggesting that black people are in fact people, Nelson Mandela is sent to prison.

2010 - 33 men become trapped in a Chilean mine with a history of safety violations and geological instability. Nobody could have seen this coming.

2015 - The Environmental Protection Agency spills 3 million gallons of waste water contaminated with heavy metals into the Animas River in Colorado, turning it orange. Scott Pruitt will later base his tenure as head of the agency on this incident.

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1 hour ago, Illjwamh said:

1888 - The world's first road trip, from Mannheim to Pforzheim (an insane 65 mi./104 km), is undertaken by Bertha Benz and her two teenage sons. It takes all day. Among numerous other firsts, this is thought to be the first utterance of the phrase, "Are we there yet?"

I lived in Pforzheim.  Never knew about this.

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2 hours ago, mlooney said:

I lived in Pforzheim.  Never knew about this.

It's really neat. She did it as a publicity stunt without her husband's knowledge as a way to prove to him that there would be wide public interest in his invention. She kept a record of all the problems she encountered along the way, as well as how she dealt with them. She gave them to him as a sort of bug report, as well as some of her own suggestions such as an additional gear for going up hills.

Apparently the route she took is mapped out and is something of a destination for driving enthusiasts.

 

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6 hours ago, Illjwamh said:

1620 - A ship called the Mayflower departs England for the new world. It's full of people who have no idea what they're doing, and any settlement is not likely to last long.

This was actually true, but fortunately kindly natives helped the struggling colonists out with supplies of food and instructions in how to hunt and survive. Surely this kindness would be repaid later on.

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17 hours ago, Pharaoh RutinTutin said:

Also, August 04 is the Feast of Saint Sithney.  Patron Saint of Mad Dogs.  Apparently he liked to go out in the noon day sun.  

But apparently he was from Brittany (part of France) or Cornwall (allegedly his body is in Cornwall), so technically perhaps not an Englishman.

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On August 6 in History:

1806 - The abdication of Francis II brings about the end of the aptly named Holy Roman Empire, a political amalgamation of autonomous German principalities.

1809 - Alfred, Lord Tennyson, whose full name does not include "Lloyd", is born. He will spend his life writing things that people who want to sound intelligent can quote out of context.

1825 - Bolivia gains independence from Spain. Big deal, who hasn't?

1870 - Prussia kicks France's butt in not one but two battles on the same day: Spicheren and Worth. Savvy historians might consider this foreshadowing.

1940 - The Soviet Union illegally annexes Estonia. It's nice to know we live in a world where they can't get away with stuff like that anymore.

1945 - The most counterintuitively named weapon of all time is dropped on the city of Hiroshima, killing untold thousands of people both instantly and over several agonizing years of radiation poisoning. Instead of immediately and unanimously deciding this should never happen again anywhere ever, humanity spends the next 50 years building several thousand more of the things.

1962 - Jamaica gains independence from the United Kingdom. Big deal, who hasn't?

1964 - Prometheus, the world's oldest living tree, is cut down - presumably by some asshole dentist from Minnesota.

1965 - The Voting Rights Act is signed into law by president Lyndon Johnson, prohibiting racial discrimination in voting across America. One hundred years after the end of the Civil War. Better late than never?

2012 - The Curiosity rover lands on Mars. Somebody's job is literally to drive an RC car around on another planet.

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4 hours ago, Illjwamh said:

1945 - The most counterintuitively named weapon of all time is dropped on the city of Hiroshima, killing untold thousands of people both instantly and over several agonizing years of radiation poisoning. Instead of immediately and unanimously deciding this should never happen again anywhere ever, humanity spends the next 50 years building several thousand more of the things.

Well, some people seem to think you can't have too many ways to kill people.

You'd think after a few Godzilla attacks they might have learned their lesson, but no such luck.

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