This Day In History

[Illjwamh 98]

On February 20 in History:

1472 - Norway can't afford a dowry for their princess Margaret to marry the king of Scotland, so they just pawn a few of their islands. This is why folks from Orkney and Shetland are so difficult to understand.

1816 - The Rossini opera, The Barber of Seville, premiers. It is most famous today for its appearance in Bugs Bunny cartoons.

1895 - Death of Frederick Douglass. Unlike his birth date, he did not get to choose this one himself.

1933 - The people of the United States are once again legally allowed to stop pretending they don't drink.

1962 - John Glenn goes around the world three times in just under five hours. Suck it, Jules Verne.

1967 - Kurt Cobain is born. He is among the...no, Nevermind.

1971 - The U.S. emergency broadcast system is accidentally activated. Haha, how embarrassing. I bet they'll never do that again.

1985 - The people of Ireland are at last legally allowed to stop pretending they don't use birth control.

[Pharaoh RutinTutin 1,586]

5 hours ago, Illjwamh said:

1472 - Norway can't afford a dowry for their princess Margaret to marry the king of Scotland, so they just pawn a few of their islands. This is why folks from Orkney and Shetland are so difficult to understand.

So why can't I understand people from anywhere else in Scotland?

[Illjwamh 98]

On February 21 in History:

1797 - 1400 Revolutionary French soldiers land at Fishguard in Britain in order to support the Society of Unified Irishmen. 500 British soldiers say, "Yeah, no," and kick them out. No one has tried to invade Britain since.

1808 - Russia invades Sweden without a declaration of war, with the intention of stealing Finland from them. The Finns do not get a say in this.

1848 - Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels publish a manifesto. I can't see it making much of a splash.

1916 - The Germans attack the French at Verdun. This shouldn't take long.

1972 - Richard Nixon visits China in a landmark event in normalizing east-west relations. What he was really doing was scoping out a place to lie low in case the shit ever hit the fan.

2018 - Billy Graham is incredibly lucky he is wrong about there being a hell.

[ChronosCat 155]

12 hours ago, Illjwamh said:

On February 21 in History:

1797 - 1400 Revolutionary French soldiers land at Fishguard in Britain in order to support the Society of Unified Irishmen. 500 British soldiers say, "Yeah, no," and kick them out. No one has tried to invade Britain since.

Well, Hitler did try bombing Britain in the hopes of softening them up enough to invade, but of course that didn't work either.

[Illjwamh 98]

This one's a day behind, because I literally lost a day to the international date line.

On February 22 in History:

705 - Wu Zetian says, "All right, Tang, I've had my fun. You all can go back to what you were doing."

1495 - Charles VIII of France marches into Naples without a fight and says, "I'm your king now." The city says, "All right, then." The rest of the kingdom, the other Italian states, Spain, and the Holy Roman Empire, not so much.

1511 - Baby prince Henry dies, and with him the future of the Tudor dynasty, Catholicism in England, two queens, and probably a whole mess of other things.

1732 - George Washington is born. A perfect excuse for a mattress sale!

1847 - 5,000 American troops defeat 15,000 Mexicans at the Battle of Buena Vista. Disney will later name their distribution company after this.

1856 - The very first national convention of the U.S. Republican Party. Oh, if they only knew what horrors awaited them in their future.

1862 - Jefferson Davis is inaugurated as President of the Confederate States of America for a six year term. Hahaha, they actually thought they'd be around for six whole years.

1915 - The German navy institutes unrestricted submarine warfare. They will come to regret this.

1980 - The American Olympic ice hockey team defeats the Soviet team 4-3. They will never shut up about this. Ever.

2002 - Chuck Jones dies after making the mistake of looking down.

2014 - Ukrainian president Viktor Yanukovych impeached for, among other things, corruption and treason on charges of being a Russian puppet. This sounds...familiar, somehow. Can't quite put my finger on it.

[Illjwamh 98]

On February 23 in History:

303 - Emperor Diocletian orders the destruction of a Christian church in Nicomedia, kicking off eight years of anti-Christianing.

532 - Emperor Justinian orders construction of a new basilica in Constantinople, which will be the greatest and most famous in the world. We know it as the Hagia Sophia. Upon issuing the order, Justinian is reported to have said, "Suck my balls, Diocletian."

1455 - According to tradition, the first Gutenberg Bible is printed. Ironically, this is also traditionally considered the dawn of the Age of Reason, which the church would condemn as heresy for most of the next few centuries.

1778 - Friedrich Wilhelm Ludolf Gerhard Augustin von Steuben (or, more simply, Baron von Steuben) arrives at Valley Forge to train the Continental Army. He easily beats out the Marquis de Lafayette for foreign officer whose name is most fun to say.

1836 - In San Antonio, a great battle begins between Texan settlers and the Mexican army. I can't remember the name of it.

1896 - Tootsie rolls are invented. Within hours, thousands of children across the country are convinced deer droppings taste like chocolate.

1903 - Cuba leases Guantanamo Bay to the United States indefinitely, despite the American government saying they can't imagine what they would ever do with it.

1917 - The February Revolution begins in St. Petersburg, Russia. Talk about leaving it to the last minute; the month is practically over.

1945 - Five marines and a navy corpsman raise a flag for the second time on Iwo Jima and are famous forever. Also the Polish city of Poznan and the Philippine capital of Manila are liberated, but those don't make for good photo ops.

1954 - The first mass inoculation against Polio is performed in Pittsburgh, putting us on the road to being entirely rid of the disease until a reality star and former Playmate decides she knows better than doctors.

1994 - Actress Dakota Fanning is born. Several Academy Award statuettes are prepared in advance.

[Illjwamh 98]

On February 24 in History:

1582 - Pope Gregory XIII announces a new, more accurate method of recording the days, months, and years. Mark your calendars! No, not those; weren't you listening?

1803 - In the U.S., the Supreme Court decides that the Supreme Court is able to decide whether a law is constitutional or not. This is not explicitly mentioned in the constitution, but luckily the Supreme Court is there to determine that it is implied, which they are now allowed to do, because they said so.

1809 - The Drury Lane Theatre in London burns to the ground. Many put the blame on an oven fire at the Muffin Man's next door.

1831 - In the Treaty of Dancing Rabbit Creek, the Choctaw in Mississippi cede their land east of the river in exchange for lands west of the river, to be ceded at a later date.

1848 - King Louis-Philippe of France decides he doesn't want to be King of France anymore. I mean, who can blame him? He flees the capital in a cab under the name "Mr. Smith." No, really.

1917 - Britain passes a note to America that they got from Germany who was trying to pass it to Mexico. It offered to give Mexico a bunch of stuff America took from them once if Mexico would start a fight with America so that America couldn't help Britain against Germany. Awkwaaaard.

1918 - Estonia declares independence. Free from Russia forever! I feel like I've made this joke before...

1942 - The Canadian government decides it's going to intern its Japanese citizens too, just in case anyone thought they had the moral high ground on this one.

1946 - A fellow named Juan Perón is elected president of Argentina. Keep your eye on this guy; he might be going places. His wife seems pretty cool, too.

1983 - U.S. Congress, re: Japanese interment: "Yeah, we really shouldn't have done that. That was bad and wrong."

1991 - The ground assault begins in the First Gulf War. Bonus points for everyone if you finish the whole thing in four days!

[Pharaoh RutinTutin 1,586]

Very important event for 24 February

1939 - Columbia Pictures releases a documentary featuring Moses Harry Horwitz, Louis Feinberg, and Jerome Lester Horwitz exploring areas where crime affects archeology.  It also highlights the near accidental process of discovering lost tombs eventually leading to the recovery of the mummy of King Rootin' Tootin'.  We Want Our Mummy with Moe Howard, Larry Fine, and Curly Howard.

[ProfessorTomoe 1,308]

14 hours ago, Illjwamh said:

1991 - The ground assault begins in the First Gulf War. Bonus points for everyone if you finish the whole thing in four days!

Give us a week: we'll take off Kuwait.

...and get off my lawn, too...

[Amiable Dorsai 70]

19 hours ago, Illjwamh said:

On February 24 in History:

1803 - In the U.S., the Supreme Court decides that the Supreme Court is able to decide whether a law is constitutional or not. This is not explicitly mentioned in the constitution, but luckily the Supreme Court is there to determine that it is implied, which they are now allowed to do, because they said so.

Shortly thereafter,John  Marshall is declared Judo Champion of North America. Also, the principle of emergent properties is discovered.

[Illjwamh 98]

On February 25 in History:

628 - Just ten days after celebrating 38 years on the throne, Khosrau II is overthrown by his son. He is the last king of Sassanid Persia to rule for more than several months, which really should tell you all you need to know.

1336 - The four thousand Lithuanian pagan defenders at Pilėnai decide to burn everything they own and commit mass suicide rather than surrender their belongings and themselves to Christ's Love. Christ's Love is the nickname given to the crusading army intent on slaughtering them, looting their possessions, and forcing the surviving prisoners to convert to Christianity.

1870 - Hiram Rhodes Revels of Mississippi (which, you might recall, allowed the ownership of people as recently as five years ago) becomes the first African-American to sit in the U.S. Congress after being sworn in as a senator. White Mississippians, mostly unable to vote due to that whole "armed rebellion" thing, decry the development as "political correctness gone mad".

1932 - A fellow by the name of Adolf Hitler becomes a naturalized German citizen, allowing him to run for president. His candidacy is treated as nothing more than a punchline by reporters and late night talk show hosts.

1945 - Turkey declares war on Nazi Germany, then tries to pretend to the other Allied Powers that they were there the whole time.

2004 - Mel Gibson premiers the most commercially successful snuff film in history.

[Illjwamh 98]

On February 26 in History:

1233 - The Mongols capture Kaifeng, the capital of the Jin Dynasty. Bet you wish you were unified with the rest of China now, eh?

1616 - Galileo is kicked out of the Church for talking about the Earth going around the Sun, which somehow disrupts the word of Jesus or something, I guess.

1815 - Napoleon escapes his exile on Elba, because of course he does.

1876 - The Japanese, having been forced into an unequal trade treaty with America and the West 23 years ago, forces Korea into an unequal trade treaty.

1914 - The HMHS Britannic, sister ship to the doomed Titanic, is launched from Belfast. This time we've worked all the kinks out, we swear.

1935 - Adolf Hitler orders the reconstruction of an air force even though he's explicitly not allowed to do that, and nobody does anything to stop him because of course they don't.

1952 - Vincent Massey is the first Canadian-born Governor General of Canada, a job which basically means, "Proxy representative for a ceremonial figurehead." Yaaaaay.

1992 - Hundreds of ethnic Azerbaijanis are murdered outside the town of Khojaly in the disputed Nagorno-Karabakh region by Armenians, of all people, whom you'd think would know better.

1993 - A truck bomb parked under the North Tower of the World Trade Center in New York explodes, injuring thousands and killing six people. A terrorist attack at the WTC? Unthinkable! The nation's people are shaken, and then almost immediately forget about it and go on about their business.

2012 - 17 year old Trayvon Martin is shot by neighborhood watchman George Zimmerman for the offense of buying Skittles while wearing a hoodie.

[Illjwamh 98]

On February 27 in History:

272 – Constantine is born a pagan. I just love reminding him; it rankles him so much.

380 - Theodosius I and his two co-emperors declare that they would like all Roman citizens to adopt Christianity. Romans everywhere suddenly realize that they fervently believe in the power of Jesus to save them - from being executed by the emperor.

1700 - The island of New Britain is discovered off the coast of New Guinea. When informed by natives that the island already had a name, English explorer William Dampier remarked, "Oh come now, don't be ridiculous."

1801 - Washington D.C. is placed under the jurisdiction of the U.S. Congress. The city's mayor is still allowed to select the theme for prom.

1807 - Paul Revere's publicist engineers the birth of poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

1933 - The Reichstag Building is burned, supposedly by communists. The German government uses the outrage as justification for the suspension of civil liberties in the interest of national security. I can't really think of a reason to put this on here, but if a situation ever comes up where this would be useful to know, I want to be prepared.

1988 – Azerbaijani citizens in the town of Sumgait go around beating, killing, and looting ethnic Armenians in the streets and even their own homes. I wonder if this will ever come back to bite them in the ass.

2003 – Everyone loses a neighbor when Mr. Rogers dies. I don't have something in my eye; I'm crying, because feelings are important and we need to let ourselves feel them!

2015 - Leonard Nimoy dies after a long and prosperous life.

[ChronosCat 155]

15 hours ago, Illjwamh said:

1616 - Galileo is kicked out of the Church for talking about the Earth going around the Sun, which somehow disrupts the word of Jesus or something, I guess.

Didn't you know Aristotle was divinely inspired?

[Illjwamh 98]

On February 28 in History:

202 BCE - A one-time Chinese peasant founds a dynasty that will last roughly 400 years and give its name to an entire ethnicity. Not bad I guess, but if he wants to impress me, let's see him put 20 McNuggets in his mouth.

1827 - The Baltimore and Ohio Railroad company is incorporated, transporting both freight and passengers for the first time. More importantly, this makes 1/4 of the Monopoly board complete.

1885 - American Bell Telephone gives birth to a child that will one day grow up to eat it.

1939 - The non-word "dord", which doesn't and never did mean anything, is discovered in the dictionary, where it had been included by mistake several years before. Numerous regional and national Scrabble championships are retroactively re-scored.

1980 - By way of referendum, Andalusia officially approves its Statute of Autonomy, establishing its regional autonomy within Spain. Notably, Andalusian citizens taking part in the vote are not beaten and detained by federal police.

1983 - More people watch the last episode of M*A*S*H than have ever watched a series finale before or ever will again. This sounds impressive, until you realize that the only other thing on is a mashed potato presidential look-alike competition.

1993 - Officers of the ATF prepare to operate a routine search warrant for suspected illegal weapons at the compound of an obscure religious sect in Waco, Texas. Shouldn't take long.

2013 - Benedict XVI decides he doesn't want to be Pope anymore. He's the first Pope to quit in 598 years - it's been so long that most people weren't even aware he could do that. Does this mean that he was only temporarily infallible? Could things he said while Pope suddenly become wrong? How does this work?

[Illjwamh 98]

I didn't want to wait until next year.

On February 29 in History:

1504 - Further cementing his place among history's all time greatest douchebags, Christopher Columbus uses foreknowledge of a lunar eclipse to con Jamaican natives into giving him a bunch of stuff.

1796 - The Jay Treaty gets Great Britain to more or less leave the fledgling U.S. alone for the next ten years - after which time they decide they need some sailors.

1916 - South Carolina raises the minimum working age for mills, factories, mines, etc. from 12 to 14. Because come on; they're not monsters.

1940 - Hattie McDaniel becomes the first African American to win an Academy Award. White people in Hollywood assume this makes them square. They will (much) later be disabused of this notion.

1988 - Desmond Tutu (along with a hundred or so others) is arrested for having the gall to demand equal treatment for black people in South Africa.

2012 - Tokyo Skytree is completed. A great symbol of economic strength and prosperity, along with a fantastic feat of engineering, it's hard to imagine it's much more than sticking their tongue out at China, whose Canton Tower is no longer the tallest tower in the world.

It was hard to find good stuff for today. It's almost as if this day doesn't occur as often as other days on the calendar. But that's ridiculous.

[Illjwamh 98]

On March 1 in History:

 

293 - Co-emperors Diocletian and Maximian appoint Constantius Chlorus and Galerius to be their junior emprerors, or Caesars, and split the empire into four pieces. A move to establish stability in imperial administration that will surely not fall apart the moment the only far-thinking and responsible one among them who came up with it in the first place dies.

 

1562 - 63 Huguenots are killed in the French town of Wassy. I have a bad feeling the fallout from this is going to be huge.

 

1565 - Rio, baby!

 

1628 - Charles I of England declares that all counties must pay a ship tax. Yes, all of them, whether they have ports or not. Why did they call him a tyrant, again?

 

1692 - Three women are brought before magistrates in Salem, Massachusetts on charges of witchcraft. Whoa, we'd better nip this nonsense in the bud before it gets completely out of hand.

 

1700 - In an attempt to ease the transition from Julian to Gregorian, Sweden institutes its own interim "Swedish Calendar". Look, guys, you're making this a lot more complicated than it has to be.

 

1712 - Okay, this is too confusing. Back to Julian. Whose bright idea was this, anyway?

 

1753 - All right, this is getting ridiculous. This time we're going straight to Gregorian. Cold Turkey! No complaining!

 

1781 - The Articles of Confederation are adopted by the Continental Congress. An enlightened document that will guide this new nation for centuries to come.

 

1815 - "I'm back, bithces!" ~Napoleon Bonaparte, probably.

 

1845 - John Tyler signs a bill that will allow the U.S. to annex Texas. Mysteriously, all those clamoring that Tyler is not really the president do not object.

 

1867 - Nebraska becomes a state, and changes the name of its capital from Lancaster to Lincoln. Partly in honor of President Lincoln, and partly because there are already WAY too many Lancasters in the U.s. Seriously, google it.

 

1869 - Dmitri Mendeleev submits his newly completed table of elements for publications. When asked if he is going to provide updates periodically, he replies, "No, guys, that's not what I meant."

 

1893 - Nikola Tesla gives the first demonstration of radio in St. Louis. Seriously, why do we not have statues of this man like, everywhere?

 

1896 - In the Battle of Adwa, Ethiopian forces soundly defeat the Italian invaders, putting a definitive end to their attempts at colonialism. For now. Italians glare menacingly and crack their knuckles to ominous background music.

 

1919 - Several Koreans gather to formally and politely declare that they intend to declare independence from Japanese occupation, thank you very much. They inform the authorities of their actions and whereabouts and are arrested. Elsewhere, several more Koreans are a little less formal and polite about it, and many are more than arrested, if you catch my meaning.

 

1932 - Charles Lindbergh's baby son is kidnapped, and the entire country flips its shit in what historians believe is the first documented incident of Missing White Kid Syndrome.

 

1936 - The Hoover Dam is finished. We are as gods, bending the forces of nature to our every whim!

 

1941 - Bulgaria joins the Axis Powers. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

 

1983 - Lupita Nyong'o is born. Several awards of all types are prepared in advance.

 

1992 - Bosnia and Herzegovina declare independence from Yugoslavia, but never from each other.

[Illjwamh 98]

On March 2 in History:

 

274 - Mani dies in gruesome fashion. His followers will make a good run of it, but they're hampered by Jesus's two hundred year head start. Still, the world was almost very different.

 

537 - The Siege of Rome begins. As usual, Goths are on one side and Romans on the other. Does it even matter who's attacking and who's defending at this point? You know we're just going to do it a half dozen more times anyway.

 

1444 -Albanian leader Skanderbeg organizes a resistance group against the Ottomans at Lezhë. Pfft. His greatest task will be not facing the Ottomans, but keeping his group together.

 

1657 - In Edo (Tokyo), the Great Fire of Meireki begins. It will last for three days and kill over a hundred thousand people. That's what happens when you build your entire city out of wood, which - I don't know if you know this - is highly flammable.

 

1793 - Sam Houston is born. Wait for it...

 

1807 - The U.S. Congress disallows the importation of slaves. If you want more, you'll have to breed them here. That's not going to further dehumanize them or anything, is it?

 

1836 - Texas declares its independence from Mexico. Happy birthday, Sam.

 

1877 - The U.S. House of Representatives awards the presidential election to Rutherford B. Hayes, even though his opponent Samuel Tilden had won the popular vote. You're telling me that in 140 years we still haven't fixed that problem? Oh, and the inauguration is in two days, so nothing like waiting until the last minute, eh?

 

1904 - Every Who down in Whoville, the tall and the small, sings welcome to the baby who created them all.

 

1933 - King Kong comes to New York. In it, people watch King Kong come to New York.

 

1965 - Operation Rolling Thunder begins in North Vietnam after one officer suggests, "Why don't we just bomb the shit out of them?"

 

1983 - CDs are released outside Japan for the first time. They'll never catch on.

[Illjwamh 98]

On March 3 in History:

1575 - Mughal emperor Akbar defeats his Bengali enemies at the Battle of Tukaroi. It wasn't a trap.

1820 - The Missouri Compromise is passed, drawing out the official rules as to where it is and is not okay for a person to own another person. It solves everything.

1845 - The U.S. government admits Florida as a state. They regret the decision to this day.

1861 - Tsar Alexander II frees all serfs in Russia. Is it a coincidence that this happens a day before Abraham Lincoln is to take office in the United States, as the beginnings of civil war there are beginning to unfold? Perhaps. Does this make America's situation even more embarrassing? One could argue. Side note: Alexander called his decree the "Emancipation Manifesto." Coincidence abounds.

1875 - The first ever organized indoor ice hockey game takes place in Montreal, Canada. A nation is truly born.

1918 - The Treaty of Brest-Litovsk formally ends Russia's involvement in World War I, and ends their claims to Poland, Finland, Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Belarus and Ukraine. Quoth a young Joseph Stalin: "Yeah. Sure. Uh-huh."

1923 - Time Magazine is published for the first...TIME. Eh? Eh? ...I'll see myself out.

1924 - The 600 year-old Ottoman Empire and Islamic caliphate is broken apart, giving rise to the modern nation of Turkey. I'm trying really hard to think of a pun on either the country or its founder, Ataturk, that's not racist. Comin' up empty.

PLANE CRASH LIGHTNING ROUND!

1953 - Canadian Pacific Air Lines in Karachi, Pakistan. 11 dead.

1972 - Mohawk Airlines flight in Albany, New York. 17 dead.

1974 - Turkish Airlines flight in Ermenonville, France. 346 dead.

END OF LIGHTING ROUND

2005 - Steve Fossett becomes the first person to fly a plane solo nonstop around the world without refueling. That he would do it on this day means one of two things must be true: either he is not superstitious, or he has BALLS OF STEEL.

[ProfessorTomoe 1,308]

7 hours ago, Illjwamh said:

2005 - Steve Fossett becomes the first person to fly a plane solo nonstop around the world without refueling. That he would do it on this day means one of two things must be true: either he is not superstitious, or he has BALLS OF STEEL

[Illjwamh 98]

On March 4 in History:

1152 - Frederick Barbarossa is elected King of Germany. Or, as I like to call him, Freddy Redbeard.

1193 - Death of Saladin, one of those exquisitely rare individuals of history who actually know what the f*** they're doing.

1461 - Henry VI of England is deposed by Edward IV in the Wars of the Roses. If that plural didn't clue you in, he'll be back.

1493 - Christopher Columbus arrives in Lisbon after returning from his first voyage. "Guys, guys, you'll never believe what I found!"

1519 - Hernán Cortés arrives in what is now Mexico, seeking the Aztecs and their fabled wealth. In Tenochtitlan, many portents of doom are either overlooked or misread.

1789 - Congress meets for the first time in New York City, making it the de facto capital. This is a fact I can only assume most New Yorkers are blissfully unaware of, or else they'd never shut up about it.

1861 - The Confederate States of America adopts their first national flag, and it's not the one you're thinking of.

1865 - The Confederate States of America adopts their third - wait, THIRD? - national flag. Good lord, no wonder you lost; get your shit together down there.

1917 - Jeannette Rankin of Montana is the first female member of the U.S. House of Representatives. For those keeping score, women can't even vote yet.

1933 - Secretary of Labor Frances Perkins is the first woman to serve in a U.S. cabinet position. Look at us, makin' progress all over the place. Before you know it, we'll have a female president!

1966 - John Lennon declares the Beatles "more popular than Jesus". The fact that no one in the UK was bothered by this indicates to me that he is correct.

2018 - Former British spy and Russian defector Sergei Skripal and his daughter are poisoned with a nerve agent at a public bench. Vladimir Putin would like everyone to know that he has no idea what you're talking about.

2019 - Death of Luke Perry, which I literally found out about just now, so why not put it on here. No joke for this one, as I think "the same day" definitely qualifies as "too soon". RIP, sir.

[Illjwamh 98]

On March 5 in History:

363 - The Roman Emperor, Julian, marches east from Antioch in a campaign against the Sassanid Persian Empire. Napoleon Bonaparte will later comment how badly this was bungled.

1279 - The last pagan kingdom in Europe, the Grand Duchy of Lithuania, says GTFO once again to The Livonian Order at the Battle of Aizkraukle. It's almost like they don't want to be forced to worship a foreign god. Weird.

1616 - 73 years after being published, Nicolaus Copernicus's book, On the Revolutions of the Heavenly Spheres, is banned by the Catholic Church for being very naughty. Apparently some guy named Galileo read it and started getting crazy ideas.

1770 - Five Americans are shot by British troops in Boston. This, combined with other things, eventually incites a revolution. See, there was no NRA in those days to tell everyone to calm down.

1839 - Charlotte Bronte writes a letter to Reverend Henry Nussey, turning down his marriage proposal. She claimed he would find her too "romantic and eccentric" - not practical for a clergyman's wife. This may be the first documented case of "It's not you, it's me."

1933 - Adolf Hitler and the Nazi Party do not win the popular vote (only 43.9%), but establish a dictatorship anyway. That's so crazy. Good thing nothing like that could ever happen here, eh? Eh?

1953 - Joseph Stalin dies. I don't have a joke or anything, I just wanted to type that.

1963 - Founders of the company Wham-O patent a hoop. They laugh all the way to the bank, all the way back home, and for the rest of their lives. Other notable patents from the company include a plate, a rubber ball, a wet tarp, and a bean bag.

1970 - The Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty goes into effect, meaning countries are no longer allowed to research, pursue, or produce nuclear weapons. Unless they already have some, in which case: go nuts!

[Illjwamh 98]

On March 6 in History:

12 BCE - Caesar Augustus is made Pontifex Maximus, because nothing says free republic like having one guy be the de facto head of state AND official head of the state religion.

1204 - King John of England loses control of Normandy to Phillip II of France. One might note that Phillip's regnal epithet (Auguste) roughly means "majestic", while John's (sanz Terre) means "has no land".

1521 - Magellan arrives at Guam. He doesn't even bother pretending to hope it's the East Indies for reals this time.

1820 - James Monroe signs the Missouri compromise into law. Black people in Missouri can't seem to get excited about it. While it's not perfect, it keeps the free North and the slave South from coming to blows. Because damn, that'd be awkward.

1834 - York, the capital of Upper Canada, becomes Toronto, which - let's face it - is just a better name all around.

1836 - After a 13 day siege, the 3,000 strong Mexican army overtake and kill the 187 defenders of some mission in southern Texas - I just can't for the LIFE of me remember what it was called.

1857 - The Supreme Court of the United States makes its worst decision in history in the case of Dred Scott v. Sandford. Even modern attempts to outdo the horrible judgement displayed here, such as Citizens United v. FEC, fall short.

1964 - Boxing champion Cassius Clay is given the name Mohammad Ali. It's rumored he chose this name because the rhyme and cadence fit well with "sting like a bee".

1967 Joseph Stalin's daughter Svetlana Alliluyeva defects to the United States. Even in death, that's gotta be a little embarrassing for him.

1975 - Iran and Iraq reach an agreement regarding their border dispute. It lasts forever.

1981 - Walter Cronkite signs off for the last time. TV news enters a steady decline from which it will never recover.

2015 - The Dawn spacecraft enters orbit around Ceres. That's right; there's a dwarf planet between Mars and Jupiter you've never heard of. What else aren't they telling you?

And that's the way it was.

[Illjwamh 98]

On March 7 in History:

161 - Marcus Aurelius (along with some other guy who doesn't last long) becomes Roman Emperor. Is anyone else worried that he's called the "last good emperor"? That sounds ominous.

1876 - Alexander Graham Bell is granted a patent for his "far away sound machine". When we say it in Greek it'll sound better.

1936 - Germany reoccupies the Rhineland even though they're expressly not allowed to do that. Is anyone going to do anything about this? Anyone?

1964 - Newborn Wanda Sykes sasses the doctor that tries to spank her.

1965 - 600 civil rights activists are brutally attacked by police in what I can only assume is a backwards, banana republic dictatorship. What? The United States? That can't be right! Oh, Alabama. Yeah, that checks out.

1999 - Stanley Kubrick dies, though it remains possible that this is all part of an elaborate and meticulously planned hoax.

2007 - The British House of Commons decides the House of Lords needs to be 100% elected. No word yet on what the House of Lords has to say about this, though I bet I can guess.

[Illjwamh 98]

Man, I got all distracted and stuff and now I have to do two in one day.

On March 8 in History:

1495 - John of God is born in Portugal. Dang, someone's parents think a lot of him.

1550 - John of God dies. Well shit, happy birthday.

1658 - In the Treaty of Roskilde, Frederick III of Denmark-Norway has to give half his kingdom to Sweden in order to keep the other half. Sweden, meanwhile, is one hole on their punch card away from a free Norway!

1702 - Anne, younger sister of now-dead Mary II, becomes Queen of England, Scotland, and Ireland. That's too many things. We're gonna have to start consolidating some of this.

1722 - The Safavid dynasty is defeated and Iran's empire thrown into chaos by an army from Afghanistan in the Battle of Gulnabad. Iranians fall back on their usual policy for when this sort of thing happens: "If we lose one, we'll just make another one."

1736 - Nader Shah founds the Afsharid dynasty in Iran. He will eventually extend Iran's reach to its greatest height since the Sassanids, way back before Islam. See? Told you.

1782 - Pennsylvanian militiamen, angered by raids carried out by Native American war bands, massacre a bunch of non-related Native Americans from Gnadenhutten, Ohio who had nothing to do with it, and an American tradition is born.

1844 - Oscar I becomes king of Sweden-Norway. We've missed a step in here somewhere.

1920 - Syria is now a thing. If they're lucky, they might just be able to hang on for a full 100 years!

1930 - U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice William Howard Taft dies. Oh, I guess he was also president once for a little while.

1935 - Hachikō dies. *sniff* What's that you ask? Why am I bothering to mention the death of a dog? You get out of here! You get out of here and don't come back!

1965 - The first U.S. land forces, totaling 3,500 marines, arrive in Vietnam. They'll be done and back home before you know it.

2014 - Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 disappears, and to this day nobody except Amelia Earhart has any idea what happened to it.