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Illjwamh

This Day In History

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On March 9 in History:

141 BCE - Emperor Wu of Han (who was known as Liu Che while he was alive) takes the throne. Entire people will live and die with him on the throne; his 54 year record won't be broken for over 18 centuries. Not a bad gig if you can get it.

1454 - Ser Nastagio Vespucci of Florence and his wife Lisabetta Mini welcome their latest son, and in so doing inadvertently name half the world.

1568 - Ferrante de Gonzaga, Marquis of Castiglione, and his wife Marta Tana di Santena welcome their eldest son Aloysius, and in so doing inadvertently name the only part of Spokane anyone knows or talks about.

1776 - Adam Smith publishes "The Wealth of Nations", which is basically the "Atlas Shrugged" of its day. You know all those rich assholes who say everything would be better if the government just left them alone? You can thank Smith for them.

1841 - The U.S. Supreme Court rules that a group of captive Africans who had forcefully taken over the slave ship Amistad had acted legally and within their rights. Wait, so then what about...what?

1944 - Soviet forces bomb Talinn, Estonia, making it one of the few nations to be bombed and invaded by both sides in the war. Yay!

1987 - Tiny Bow Wow is born.

1997 - An eclipse allows the Hale-Bopp Comet to be seen during the day by observers in China, Mongolia, and Siberia. No word on how this celestial event affected local firebenders.

1997 again - The Notorious B.I.G. is shot four times while stopped at a red light. The case remains unsolved, and while this may or may not be related to the death of Tupac Shakur, who was shot four times while stopped at a red light, the fact remains that this is why we can't have nice things.

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2 hours ago, Illjwamh said:

1454 - Ser Nastagio Vespucci of Florence and his wife Lisabetta Mini welcome their latest son, and in so doing inadvertently name half the world.

 

I wonder how come we call it America instead of Vespuccia . . .

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On March 10 in History:

241 BCE - In the Battle of the Aegates at the end of the First Punic War, the Carthaginians discover to their horror that the Romans have figured out how to navy.

1452 - Ferdinand (later the second of Aragon) is born. A pair of trousers meant as a gift are mistakenly delivered to princess Isabella of Castile.

1606 - Susenyos I defeats his rival Yaqob I at the battle of Gol, becoming Emperor of Ethiopia. Yes, there are indeed things happening outside Europe at this time. Crazy, right?

1629 - Charles I of England realizes that he can rule perfectly well all by himself, thank you very much, and gets rid of Parliament. What were they really doing, anyway?

1864 - Deciding he's had enough of incompetent blowhards, Abraham Lincoln appoints Ulysses S. Grant to command the Union army with orders to just get this whole thing over with already.

1876 - Alexander Graham Bell successfully talks to another person over distance by means of some technical contraption. By George, he's some kind of wizard!

1959 - The Chinese government invites the Dalai Lama over for tea. It's seriously no big deal. You don't have to freak out or anything.

1977 - After spending decades trying to quash juvenile "Uranus" jokes, astronomers around the world collectively facepalm upon discovering there are rings around it. It's never going away now.

1993 - A man who claims to hold life sacred murders a doctor in cold blood and is implicitly lauded by organized groups of people who label themselves "pro-life". In other news, a famous vegetarian strangles and eats a kitten on live television and is cheered by animal rights activists.

1997 - The WB television network is never going to last if the best thing it can come up with is a show about a teenage girl who kills vampires.

2017 - South Korean President Park Geun-hye is formally removed from office after the country's Constitutional Court unanimously upholds her impeachment. See how easy that is? I wonder if there are any other countries with incompetent leaders mired in corruption scandals that could learn from this?

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On March 11 in History:
 
222 - Emperor Elagabalus and his mother are murdered by his own Praetorian Guard, mutilated, and thrown into the Tiber River. I'm just spitballing here, but it may have had something to do with his decision to replace the traditional Roman religion with some weird new sex cult worshiping some Syrian sun god. Or maybe they didn't like his haircut; I don't know.
 
1708 - Queen Anne refuses to give royal assent to a bill (essentially vetoing it) that would have armed the Scottish militia. This in itself isn't noteworthy, but it will be the last time a British monarch ever does this. Though technically, any still could if they wanted to. Along with unilaterally declaring war, dissolving parliament, killing anyone they want without legal repercussions, and a whole slew of other things that make me hope Charles is as levelheaded as his mother.
 
1824 - The U.S. government creates the Bureau of Indian Affairs under the Department of War, which really tells you all you need to know.
 
1879 - Shō Tai abdicates as King of Ryukyu, dissolving the kingdom forever. He does so under orders from the Japanese government, who afterwords remark, "I can't believe that worked."
 
1936 - Antonin Scalia bursts into being when the god Hephaestus cracks open the corpse of William Jennings Bryan's head.
 
1941 - FDR signs the Lend-Lease act, which will allow the U.S. to "loan" war supplies to Allied nations in World War II. We're still not getting involved though, no siree.
 
1990 - Lithuania, amidst a veritable swarm of déjà vu, declares independence from the Soviet Union. "And no backsies this time; we mean it!"
 
2006 - A mere 16 years after getting their democracy back, Chile elects Michelle Bachelet as their first female president. Meanwhile, the U.S. is 217 and counting.
 
2011 - A 9.0 earthquake rocks the shit out of Sendai, and causes the second worst nuclear disaster ever. The Japanese respond with swift action and random acts of heroism. Meanwhile, in Korea, everyone's convinced they're all going to get cancer now.

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On March 12 in History:
 
538 - The king of the Ostrogoths, one Vitiges, gives up his siege of Rome and trudges back to his capital in Ravenna. "I'll get you next time, Gadget! Next time!"
 
1507 - Cesare Borgia, son of a Pope, inspiration for Machiavelli's "The Prince", and living proof that crime and debauchery do in fact pay very well, is stabbed in a corridor and left to die naked on the floor. Karma, bitches.
 
1894 - Some guy in Vicksburg, Mississippi mixes some cocaine and kola nut extract with soda water and sells it. Whatever floats your boat, I guess.
 
1918 - Moscow to Saint Petersburg: "It's mine again!"
 
1933 - FDR addresses the nation via radio for the first time. People listening by their fireplaces seem reassured; maybe he should do this more often?
 
1938 - Germany to Austria: "Yoink."
 
1943 - Stanislav Galić and Ratko Mladić, two future Bosnian Serb war criminal commanders of the Army of Republika Srpska, are born on the same day. Convenient for any future time travelers.
 
1947 - Harry S Truman: "We've gotta stop this Communism thing, guys."
 
1968 - Mauritius attains independence from the UK. Shots!
 
1992 - Having taken their sweet time about it, Mauritius becomes a republic.
 
1993 - North Korea decides the Treaty on the Non-Proliferation of Nuclear Weapons just isn't for them.
 
1999 - Poland, Hungary, and the Czech Republic join NATO, which is kind of like several prominent former Yankees signing with the Red Sox.
 
2009 - Ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff pleads guilty to charges that he made off with $18 billion of other people's money.
 
2011 - Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Plant: "Hey guys, remember that earthquake yesterday? Well, I don't feel so good..."
 
2015 - Terry Pratchett took Death's arm and followed him through the doors and on to the black desert under the endless night. The formatting won't let me write in smallcaps.

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On March 13 in History:

624 - The Battle of Badr between his followers and the leaders of Mecca ensures that Mohammad's new faith is not going anywhere. In fact, y'all might wanna think about just getting with the program.

1591 - Despite being outnumbered 5 to 1, Moroccan forces defeat the armies of the Songhai Empire at the Battle of Tondibi. The troop losses are overshadowed only by the huge kick in the nuts to their pride and morale.

1697 - Nojpetén, capital of Petén Itzá, falls, the last independent Maya kingdom to be conquered by the Spanish. Ah, but revenge is a dish best served cold. Very, very cold.

1781 - Astronomer William Herschel discovers your butthole. Wait, what? That can't possibly be right.

1809 - Gustav IV Adolf of Sweden is kicked off the throne by his own officers for losing control of Finland to Russia. "We like a guy who doesn't lose half the kingdom."

1865 - The Confederate States of America - whom, you may recall, exist on the sole premise that white people are superior to black people, who are fit only for slavery - decides that maybe black people aren't too inferior to be soldiers after all and holy crap we need as many as we can get right now they're kicking our asses.

1911 - L. Ron Hubbard...returns to Earth? Awakens from his trillion-year soul sleep? Emerges from a pod? I don't know what weird shit they think happened.

1988 - Japan opens the Seikan Tunnel between the islands of Honshu and Hokkaido. It is the longest undersea tunnel in the world. The resulting embarrassment is enough to prompt England and France to finally finish that one they've been talking about for almost 200 years.

2013 - Pope Francis is elected. On the one hand, he's very progressive for a Church figure, particularly one ranked so high. On the other hand, he is still Catholic.

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On March 14 in History:
 
44 BCE - Casca and Cassius decide that even though they're going to kill Caesar tomorrow, Mark Antony should be left alive. They will come to regret this.
 
1782 - At the Battle of Wuchale, Emperor Tekle Giyorgis I of Ethiopia tells a group of discontented Oromo to sit down and shut up.
 
1794 - Eli Whitney patents the cotton gin. I have now provided you with at least 20% of what you will need to pass your 7th grade social studies test.
 
1879 - An infant Albert Einstein arrives from 600 years in the future. He will spend his life trying to figure out how to get back.
 
1883 - For the value he created, the world repays Karl Marx with death. Typical.
 
1900 - U.S. currency is bound to the value of gold, thereby crucifying mankind, which isn't melodramatic at all. Oho! Two William Jennings Bryan jokes in one week! Let me just don my monocle whilst I puff on this calabash pipe.
 
1951 - UN troops recapture Seoul for the second time. Once more and they get a free sandwich!
 
1964 - Jack Ruby is found guilty of murdering Lee Harvey Oswald, presumably after the jury is shown footage of him murdering Lee Harvey Oswald on live television.
 
2018 - Stephen Hawking dies, after stretching a prognosis of two years to live into 55. One can only assume the warping effect of black holes on the nature of space-time was involved.

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On March 15 in History:

44 BCE - Julius Caesar is stabbed to death by a bunch of people. Despite being brutally murdered, he still has the wherewithal to toss off a one-liner to his former best friend - who is stabbing him.

1493 - Christopher Columbus returns to Spain. Despite being greeted by members of the Spanish court, he is convinced he has arrived on the Moon.

1767 - Andrew Jackson, America's first lunatic president, is born. Given the date, and his penchant for basing policy decisions on personal grudges, many have theorized he was the deranged reincarnation of Julius Caesar, back for revenge. And by "many", I mean me.

1820 - Maine becomes a state. The 23rd, to be precise. On a less positive note, it was done so the people of Missouri could keep their slaves. Yay, politics!

1877 - First official cricket test match is played between England and Australia in Melbourne. It's still going on.

1917 - Nicholas II abdicates the Russian throne. He is later executed along with his entire family and everyone in his household staff, presumably by Keyser Soze.

1939 - Carpatho-Ukraine declares itself an independent state. Presumably to allow them to save face, Hungary waited a full 24 hours before annexation.

1961 - South Africa withdraws from the Commonwealth. They come back later when they realize that's where all the cool countries hang out.

1990 - Mikhail Gorbachev is elected the first President of the Soviet Union. Also the last. Contrary to how it sounds, that means he did a fantastic job.

2011 - Syrian Civil War begins. U.S. pundits and politicians use the opportunity to criticize President Barack Obama for intervening, and also for not intervening.

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On March 16 in History:

597 BCE - Babylon captures Jerusalem, installing a new king. This is a textbook example of what historians refer to as "trendsetting".

37 - Celebrated Roman emperor Tiberius dies. His successor is slightly less popular.

1521 - Magellan and his crew reach the Philippine Islands. So close! So close he can taste it!

1621 - A Mohegan native name Samoset freaks the shit out of the Plymouth settlers by greeting them in English. Even though this meant giving up a potential advantage over them, he later remarked that just seeing their reactions was "Totally worth it."

1935 - Adolf Hitler orders the rearmament of Germany in violation of the Treaty of Versailles. Other signatories take note and say, "I'm sure it's nothing."

1968 - The good guys rape and murder several innocent civilians in a Vietnamese village called My Lai. A single man is punished by having to stay in his house for a couple of years. The few soldiers who tried to stop the massacre are derided as traitors. Ameeeeericaaaaaa!

1995 - Mississippi ratifies the thirteenth amendment abolishing slavery. Experts agree this is is one of the most extreme cases of "Better late than never" they have ever encountered.

2014 - The people of Crimea vote in a fair and open referendum to leave Ukraine and join the country that is currently taking over after invading them.

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March 17: St. Patrick's Day, a.k.a. Pretend You're Irish Day. On this day in History:

45 BCE - Julius Caesar defeats Titus Labienus and Pompey the Younger at the Battle of Munda. It's his last great victory. He immediately begins planning a secret one-year anniversary celebration the likes of which no one has ever seen.

180 - Commodus becomes Roman Emperor. It's all downhill from here, folks. On a lighter note, he's fond of cosplaying as Hercules and fighting in the Colosseum. Are you not entertained!?

460 - Saint Patrick dies. His physicians suspect he suffered from an overdose of green beer, which faithful the world over still drink on this day to honor him.

763 - Harun al-Rashid is born. If that name's not ringing a bell, it should. The Baghdad House of Wisdom, 1001 Nights, Charlemagne's pet elephant, that was all him. The Venn diagram of his lifetime and the height of the Islamic Golden Age is basically a circle.

1473 - James IV of Scotland is born. He is also known as James -I of England.

1537 - Hideyoshi is born. He is a peasant with no surname. Oh, but don't worry; he'll get one.

1805 - Napoleon forms the Kingdom of Italy with himself as king. Who else?

1861 - The Kingdom of Italy is formed. Everyone is struck with the nagging feeling that they've done this before.

1944 - Cito Gaston is born in San Antonio, Texas, a fact which Torontonians will one day come to overlook.

1950 - Element 98 is created by researchers at UC Berkeley, who name it californium. This narrowly beats out their other ideas: berkelium, newthingium, and whothehellarewekiddingium.

1959 - Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama, is forced to flee Tibet. He is pursued by the crown prince of the Fire Nation.

1966 - A missing American hydrogen bomb is found off the coast of Spain. Embarrassed Pentagon officials are overheard saying, "One down..."

1968 - In a truly remarkable coincidence, actor Matthew St. Patrick is born. How old do you think he was when he figured out all the celebrations weren't for him?

1979 - Stormy Daniels is born. One day everyone in America will know her name!

1992 - A referendum is passed in South Africa by a ratio of 68.7% to 31.2% to end apartheid. White South Africans are shocked to learn that over 30 % of them are assholes.

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On 3/14/2019 at 7:03 AM, Illjwamh said:

2013 - Pope Francis is elected. On the one hand, he's very progressive for a Church figure, particularly one ranked so high. On the other hand, he is still Catholic.

If he ever isn't, we'll have to check on the habits of bears in the woods....

1 hour ago, Illjwamh said:

763 - Harun al-Rashid is born. If that name's not ringing a bell, it should. The Baghdad House of Wisdom, 1001 Nights, Charlemagne's pet elephant, that was all him. The Venn diagram of his lifetime and the height of the Islamic Golden Age is basically a circle.

Some people would never admit to the existence of such a thing as an Islamic Golden Age.

Quote

1805 - Napoleon forms the Kingdom of Italy with himself as king. Who else?

1861 - The Kingdom of Italy is formed. Everyone is struck with the nagging feeling that they've done this before.

And you passed up the opportunity to tell us "Who else?"

Quote

1950 - Element 98 is created by researchers at UC Berkeley, who name it californium. This narrowly beats out their other ideas: berkelium, newthingium, and whothehellarewekiddingium.

If there are any young nuclear researchers on here, you have now increased the chances of one of them actually naming such a molecule that last one.  Just ask Eriovixia gryffindori or any of the other species named for Harry Potter references, or Stephen Colbert, or the wasp that twists its abdomen like Shakira, or various other minor planetsorganismslaws (I especially like Newton's Flaming Laser Sword, much sharper than Occam's Razor), chemicals, or units of measurement.

Biologists are definitely the biggest culprits here.

Quote

1979 - Stormy Daniels is born. One day everyone in America will know her name!

Everyone knows the name Stephanie Clifford?

 

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On March 18 in History:

37 - The Roman Senate agrees to annul Tiberius's will calling for dual successors. "This Guy called Caligula; we like the cut of his jib."

633 - Abu Bakr successfully corrects the various tribes of Arabia who claimed he was not Mohammad and therefore they didn't owe him anything.

978 - King Edward of England is murdered by somebody or on the orders of somebody but nobody is really sure how or why. He will later be deemed a martyr for similar reasons.

1241 - Mongols sack Krakow. Guys, there were Mongols in Poland. Do you get how crazy that is? Look at a map. Look how far apart they are.

1314 - The last Grand Master of the Knights Templar, Jacques de Molay, is burnt at the stake two years after the destruction and dissolution of his order. King Philip IV of France steeples his fingers and mutters, "Excellent."

1644 - The Third Anglo-Powhatan War begins in Virginia. Both sides are determined there will not be a fourth.

1766 - British Parliament to American colonists: "All right, fine! We'll repeal the Stamp Act! Are you happy now?" They are not happy now.

1845 - Death of Johnny Appleseed. I'm going to assume an apple tree grows over his grave, because if not, the only other explanation is that everything in life is a lie.

1874 - Hawai'i signs an exclusive trade treaty with the United States. They will come to regret this.

1938 - Mexico to all privately owned oil reserves, foreign and domestic: "Yoink!"

1959 - Hawai'i becomes a state. "Okay, that makes an even fifty; let's never do this again."

1968 - The U.S. takes itself off the gold standard. Come on guys, you couldn't wait until tomorrow? It's his birthday! Now you're just being mean.

1990 - Citizens of East Germany vote freely for the first time. Largely, they decide that they don't want to be East Germany anymore.

2017 - Musician Chuck Berry dies. Despite decades of success and innovation, he will always be remembered for stealing his inspiration from a time traveling white kid.

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If you couldn't tell from the final entry, this one was made a few years ago.

On March 19 in History:

1279 - A Mongolian victory at the Battle of Yamen effectively ends the Song Dynasty in China. Truly, the day the music died.

1563 - The Edict of Amboise is signed, granting French Huguenots certain freedoms. Not to be confused with the Edict of Framboise, which grants the French peasantry raspberry jam.

1649 - The English House of Commons passes an act abolishing the House of Lords, officially declaring it "useless and dangerous to the people of England". Remarkably, this act does not pass muster in the House of Lords, and so does not become law.

1860 - William Jennings Bryan is born to two monkeys in Salem, Illinois. Free silver is provided as a gift to his family.

1863 - Confederate cruiser SS Georgiana is sunk while carrying over $1,000,000 (at the time) worth of munitions and other cargo. Wait for it...

1918 - The U.S. Congress establishes time zones and daylight saving time, making sure to note that people in the Mountain time zone will always be the last to see anything that comes on TV - whatever that is.

1920 - The U.S. Senate rejects the Treaty of Versailles (for the second time), which is slightly embarrassing since the a lot of the stuff in it was American president Wilson's idea.

1941 - The Tuskegee Airmen, the first all black Army Air Corps unit, are officially activated. Several Academy Award statuettes are - what? George Lucas? Oh, never mind.

1962 - Bob Dylan releases his first album. Despite going on to be one of the most influential creative minds in music over the next fifty years, he cannot think of a better name for this album than "Bob Dylan".

1965 - In one of history's most remarkable coincidences, the SS Georgiana is found by a teenager and future underwater archaeology bigwig. Value at time of discovery? $50,000,000. River banks are the way to go. What's that you say? She was sunk off shore and not in a river? Well, that's just...shut up.

1979 - The U.S. House of Representatives begins broadcasting day-to-day business on C-SPAN. On the same day, medical professionals note that a potential national insomnia epidemic seems to have resolved itself practically overnight. The reason remains unknown.

1982 - Argentina thinks it can go to war with Great Britain. How adorable.

2016 - A man is brutally beaten to death for filling his historical trivia Facebook post with horrible, horrible puns.

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On March 20 in History:

235 - Maximinus Thrax becomes Roman Emperor. He has the most alien-warmonger-sounding name of all Roman Emperors, beating out Pertinax by a wide margin.

673 - Tenmu takes the throne to become the 40th Emperor of Japan, or the first if you only include ones that were actually referred to as "Emperor of Japan".

1602 - Formation of the Dutch East India Company, the corporation that thought it was a country. Future actual countries will adopt their model of going around the world, taking stuff, and killing anyone who tries to stop them.

1815 - "I'm back, motherf****rs!" ~Napoleon Bonaparte, Paris

1852 - Harriet Beecher Stowe attempts to whitesplain the problems of slavery to the American public. It works, but ends up causing as many long-term problems as it solves.

1854 - The (American) Republican party is formed. It is made up of a bunch of bleeding heart liberals, and strongly opposes the entrenched conservatism of the well-established Democratic party. No, really.

1915 - Albert Einstein publishes his theory of General Relativity - quite possibly the most well-known scientific theory in the world that nobody actually understands.

1915 again - In a not-at-all premature move, Russia and Britain agree how they will divide up the Ottoman Empire between them once the war is over. This includes giving Constantinople - which Britain has spent decades and vast resources, including fighting a war, to keep out of Russian hands - to Russia.

1928 - Mr. Rogers is born. As a direct result, millions of children over several generations will know that they are special just the way they are. Shut up, I'm not crying; you're crying.

1942 - "Ah'll be back." ~ Douglas MacArthur. Apocryphal: "Hasta la vista, Bataan."

1965 - President El B.J. has to send the damn military to Alabama so some protesters can march without their racist douchebag governor's law enforcement beating the shit out of them.

1972 - In Belfast, the Provisional IRA blows up a car for the first time. This is going to be Trouble.

2003 - A U.S.-led coalition invades the nation of Iraq for reasons.

2015 - A solar eclipse, equinox, and supermoon occur on the same day. Astrologers and patrons of Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop merchandise lose their damn minds.

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22 hours ago, Pharaoh RutinTutin said:

Lest we forget, 20 March is the International Day of Happiness.

THIS IS A UNITED NATONS MANDATE!!!

BE HAPPY!!!

Does it have to be all day? Because I failed that (it's hard to be constantly happy when you have the flu - or chronic depression for that matter).

I did take some time to enjoy a beautiful sunset, though.

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On March 21 in History:
 
867 – King Ælla of Northumbria dies in gruesome and painful fashion. That’s what happens when you execute one of the most infamous viking kings and warriors of all time, and then send an envoy bragging about it to his sons, who are also legendary viking kings and warriors. Allegedly.
 
1152 – Louis VII of France annuls his marriage to Eleanor of Aquitaine. I feel like a standard issue “He will come to regret this” just isn’t gonna cut it this time.
 
1556 – Just prior to his execution for heresy, former Archbishop of Canterbury Thomas Cranmer denounces the Pope as the Antichrist. I mean, I guess if you can’t go home, going big is the only option left.
 
1617 – Amonute, born Matoaka and also known as Pocahontas, dies. This may be as a result of being kidnapped, made to marry one of her abductors, carried across the sea and paraded around in a foreign land full of diseases to which she had no immunity. They won’t show that in the Disney version.
 
1800 – Pius VII is crowned Pope in Venice instead of Rome, with a tiara made of papier-mâche. There’s a story behind this, but I think it’s actually more fun if left unexplained.
 
1844 – The Bahá'í Calendar begins retroactively. They are to be commended for being one of the few groups in history sensible enough to begin their calendar on the Vernal Equinox, a day that actually makes sense as the beginning of a new year.
 
1935 – Reza Shah Pahlavi of Iran: “Hey, would you guys please call us by our name instead of what the Greeks called us 2000 years ago? Thanks.”
 
1965 – Setting out once more from Selma toward Montgomery, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and several thousand others figure third time’s the charm.
 
2006 – Twitter is founded. It’s basically a way for any random idiot to share their most banal thoughts with anyone who might be listening. It hasn’t changed much, really.

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12 hours ago, Illjwamh said:
1617 – Amonute, born Matoaka and also known as Pocahontas, dies. This may be as a result of being kidnapped, made to marry one of her abductors, carried across the sea and paraded around in a foreign land full of diseases to which she had no immunity. They won’t show that in the Disney version.

The sequel at least included the part about her going to England.

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On March 22 in History:

871 - King Æthelred of Wessex loses to the Great Heathen Army for the second time this year at the Battle of Marton. You just HAD to taunt them, didn't you Ælla?

1508 - Amerigo Vespucci is commissioned by Ferdinand II of Aragon as chief navigator of the Spanish Empire. In lieu of a resume, he simply held up a map and pointed to the names of the new continents on it.

1621 - The Plymouth Colony and the Wampanoag sign a peace treaty. Each side receives something vital, be it food to avoid starvation, or explodey weapons to kill their rival neighbors.

1622 - 347 English settlers, a third of the entire Jamestown population, are killed by native warriors as part of the Second Anglo-Powhatan war. "Why does Plymouth get all the luck?"

1872 - Illinois requires gender equality in employment, the first U.S. state to do so. Yes, that's an 8, not a 9.

1894 - The first Stanley Cup playoff game begins. That's right; it's older than the Super Bowl *and* the World Series!

1939 - Germany tells Lithuania to give it the Klaipėda Region (they call it "Memel") or else. Since Britain and France are currently playing a game of "let Hitler do whatever he wants", they have no choice. Man, those guys just can't catch a break, can they?

1947 - James Patterson is born. Somehow, he has already written three books.

1972 - The Equal Rights Amendment is sent to the states for ratification. When Illinois gets its copy, they are heard to remark, "Bruh, we already got this. We were doin' it way before it was cool."

1997 - Tara Lipinski wins the world figure skating championship at fourteen years old. All your accomplishments are invalid.

2019 - Robert Mueller turns in his report on Donald Trump and the Russians. He says he would've finished it sooner, but his dog ate the first draft, and then his printer broke, and then his grandma died.

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Just now, Illjwamh said:

On March 22 in History:

871 - King Æthelred of Wessex loses to the Great Heathen Army for the second time this year at the Battle of Marton. You just HAD to taunt them, didn't you Ælla?

1508 - Amerigo Vespucci is commissioned by Ferdinand II of Aragon as chief navigator of the Spanish Empire. In lieu of a resume, he simply held up a map and pointed to the names of the new continents on it.

1621 - The Plymouth Colony and the Wampanoag sign a peace treaty. Each side receives something vital, be it food to avoid starvation, or explodey weapons to kill their rival neighbors.

1622 - 347 English settlers, a third of the entire Jamestown population, are killed by native warriors as part of the Second Anglo-Powhatan war. "Why does Plymouth get all the luck?"

1872 - Illinois requires gender equality in employment, the first U.S. state to do so. Yes, that's an 8, not a 9.

1894 - The first Stanley Cup playoff game begins. That's right; it's older than the Super Bowl *and* the World Series!

1939 - Germany tells Lithuania to give it the Klaipėda Region (they call it "Memel") or else. Since Britain and France are currently playing a game of "let Hitler do whatever he wants", they have no choice. Man, those guys just can't catch a break, can they?

1947 - James Patterson is born. Somehow, he has already written three books.

1972 - The Equal Rights Amendment is sent to the states for ratification. When Illinois gets its copy, they are heard to remark, "Bruh, we already got this. We were doin' it way before it was cool."

1997 - Tara Lipinski wins an Olympic gold medal at fourteen years old. All your accomplishments are invalid.

2019 - Robert Mueller turns in his report on Donald Trump and the Russians. He says he would've finished it sooner, but his dog ate the first draft, and then his printer broke, and then his grandma died.

You forgot a birth:

1931 - William Shatner materializes, and helps spark a new culture by going boldly where no one has gone before, I mean, if you liked his rendition of "Rocket Man" more power to you.

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My goodness, what an oversight!

 

On March 23 in History:

1400 - Hồ Quý Ly, a court official in the Trần dynasty of Vietnam, decides he would much rather be emperor. Apparently you can just do that.

1708 - James "The Old Pretender" Stuart lands at the Firth of Forth. It is not particularly Glorious.

1775 - "...Though given the option between the two, I would obviously prefer liberty!" ~ Patrick Henry, probably.

1801 - Tsar Paul I dies, officially of apoplexy. It was likely brought on by being struck with a sword, strangled, and trampled by several former military officers.

1806 - "Well, that was fun. Let's start heading back, then." ~ Lewis and Clark

1879 - The first battle of the War of the Pacific, the Battle of Topáter, is fought between Chile and the alliance of Bolivia and Peru. The latter two are confident that by teaming up, they've got this in the bag.

1919 - Benito Mussolini founds a political movement in Milan. This is literally the birth of Fascism. And somehow, 100 years later, we still have to deal with it.

1933 - The Reichstag are a bunch of enablers.

2001 - The Mir space station falls from orbit, breaks apart on re-entry and crashes into the ocean. It's all right, though, it was on purpose!

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6 hours ago, Illjwamh said:

1997 - Tara Lipinski wins an Olympic gold medal at fourteen years old.

I hate to nitpick, but...

(Oh, who am I kidding?)

Lipinski won the World Championship in 1997.
She would not win the Olympic Gold Medal until 1998 as a decrepit fifteen year old fossil.

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