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Illjwamh

This Day In History

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If I'd done this three years ago, it would have been a fun numbers day.

On May 10 in History:

1291 - The nobles of Scotland agree to let Edward "Longshanks" I of England be their overlord in exchange for helping them choose a new king. They will come to regret this.

1497 - Supposed date of Amerigo Vespucci's departure for the New World, which we really should think of an official name for at some point.

1503 - Christopher Columbus visits the Cayman Islands, names them after turtles, and inevitably once again demonstrates his fathomless douchebaggery.

1768 - John Wilkes is arrested for writing an article criticizing King George III. The booth he was held in bears his name. I'll see myself out.

1773 - British Parliament passes the Tea Act, which is chiefly designed to give the British East India Company a monopoly over the North American tea trade. They will come to regret this.

1774 - Louis XVI and his wife, Marie Antoinette, become king and queen of France. They will come to regret this.

1838 - The eventual assassin of Abraham Lincoln is born. You remember his name, right? Right? Okay, I'm done for real this time.

1869 - The First Transcontinental Railroad is completed with a golden spike ceremony in Utah, allowing people to indiscriminately slaughter bison and harass natives uninterrupted from coast to coast.

1908 - Mother's Day is celebrated for the first time in the U.S., and - Holy shit, I need to get on Amazon!

1933 - The Nazi Party stage numerous public book burnings. Donald Trump takes copious notes.

1940 - The German military informs the nations of Belgium, Luxembourg, and the Netherlands that they are in the way.

1975 - Sony introduces the Betamax video cassette recorder. Or, as everyone under 40 calls it, "The what?"

1994 - With the inauguration of Nelson Mandela, South Africa goes from Apartheid to black president in a mere three years - a record yet to be broken.

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May 10 in EGS History:

2010 - Grace figures out that the earthquake was too weak and too far away to knock over the artifact. Then her pancakes arrive.

2017 - Ellen tells Elliot that she identifies as female. And also that she's skimmed a lot of wiki articles.

 

5 hours ago, Illjwamh said:

1975 - Sony introduces the Betamax video cassette recorder. Or, as everyone under 40 calls it, "The what?"
 

I've heard stories, but never seen one. (Same for the 8-Track Tape. On the other hand, I am familiar with vinyl records, and even owned a few as a kid.)

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6 hours ago, Illjwamh said:

Donald Trump

The Moderator: Kindly do not make comparisons between current political figures and the Nazis or I will lock this thread. The same goes for all other kinds of off colour political comment no matter which side of the aisle.

~tOH.

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12 hours ago, Illjwamh said:

1774 - Louis XVI and his wife, Marie Antoinette, become king and queen of France. They will come to regret this.

This is how I learned about the French Revolution.

And you forgot to mention

1801 – First Barbary War: The Barbary pirates of Tripoli declare war on the United States of America.  Tell it to the Marines!

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7 hours ago, The Old Hack said:

The Moderator: Kindly do not make comparisons between current political figures and the Nazis or I will lock this thread. The same goes for all other kinds of off colour political comment no matter which side of the aisle.

~tOH.

Roger.

1 hour ago, Pharaoh RutinTutin said:

And you forgot to mention

1801 – First Barbary War: The Barbary pirates of Tripoli declare war on the United States of America.  Tell it to the Marines!

It's not so much that I forgot to mention it; I just couldn't think of anything funny to say.

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May 11

330 – Byzantium is renamed Nova Roma during a dedication ceremony, but it is more popularly referred to as Constantinople.  Istanbul was Constantinople.  Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople...

1310 – Philip IV of France has fifty-four members of the Knights Templar burned at the stake, ostensibly for heresy.  Certainly not because France was heavily indebted to the Templars.

1857 – Indian Rebellion of 1857: Indian rebels seize Delhi from the British.  If only British food was edible.  The rebels might have let the imperialists keep the Delhi.

1927 – The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is founded.  Despite the name of their award, they have nothing to do with hot dogs.

1987 – Klaus Barbie goes on trial in Lyon for war crimes committed during World War II.  War Crimes Barbie becomes the worst selling doll ever.

1995 – More than 170 countries extend the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty indefinitely and without conditions.

1997 – Deep Blue, a chess-playing supercomputer, defeats Garry Kasparov in the last game of the rematch, becoming the first computer to beat a world-champion chess player in a classic match format.  All hail our electronic overlord.

1998 – To celebrate the third anniversary of the extension of the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty, India conducts three underground atomic tests in Pokhran.

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1 hour ago, Pharaoh RutinTutin said:

1310 – Philip IV of France has fifty-four members of the Knights Templar burned at the stake, ostensibly for heresy.  Certainly not because France was heavily indebted to the Templars.

*looks uneasily at the National Bank, then turns a suspicious gaze on Parliament*

1 hour ago, Pharaoh RutinTutin said:

1857 – Indian Rebellion of 1857: Indian rebels seize Delhi from the British.  If only British food was edible.  The rebels might have let the imperialists keep the Delhi.

Oh come on. It is not all bad. They have specialties like boiled fish, boiled beef, boiled pork cutlet, boiled... I am sorry. I thought I had a point but apparently it just boiled away.

1 hour ago, Pharaoh RutinTutin said:

1997 – Deep Blue, a chess-playing supercomputer, defeats Garry Kasparov in the last game of the rematch, becoming the first computer to beat a world-champion chess player in a classic match format.  All hail our electronic overlord.

At least it did better than its predecessor, Deep Purple. Upon reaching the endgame it blew a fuse and then emitted smoke on the coolant and fire from its chips.

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20 hours ago, Pharaoh RutinTutin said:

1310 – Philip IV of France has fifty-four members of the Knights Templar burned at the stake, ostensibly for heresy.  Certainly not because France was heavily indebted to the Templars.

 

19 hours ago, The Old Hack said:

*looks uneasily at the National Bank, then turns a suspicious gaze on Parliament*

Are you worried that the Politicians might execute the Bankers?

Or that the Bankers might execute the Politicians?

Or do you worry that neither will be executed?

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33 minutes ago, Pharaoh RutinTutin said:

Are you worried that the Politicians might execute the Bankers?

Or that the Bankers might execute the Politicians?

Or do you worry that neither will be executed?

Guess which set is notorious for wasteful spending without balancing their budget and you may work it out.

Hint: They are fond of cutting taxes without correspondingly lowering expenditures. You see, if you just stop taking money in, more money will magically appear out of the blue to replace it. At least that is how I understand it is supposed to work.

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May 12

907 – Zhu Wen forces Emperor Ai into abdicating, ending the Tang dynasty after nearly three hundred years of rule.  Although to be fair, 300 year old Tang wouldn't be served to Astronauts on even the most severe NASA budget cuts.

1689 – King William's War: William III of England joins the League of Augsburg starting a war with France.  Did England and France really need that much pretext to start a war?

1820 – Birth of Florence Nightingale.  She would become notorious for spreading the radical idea that the sick and injured would have a better recovery in clean and comfortable surroundings.  By coincidence, she was born on what would become International Nurses Day.

1846 – The Donner Party of pioneers departs Independence, Missouri for California.  It is difficult to make a comment about this in good taste.

1937 – Coronation of King George VI and Queen Elizabeth of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland in Westminster Abbey.  At just over six months since his ascension, this was one of the more rapidly occurring British coronations in several hundred years.  It was as if Westminster had been preparing a coronation for someone else and just needed to change the names on the Arch Bishop's cue cards.

1941 – Konrad Zuse presents the Z3, the world's first working programmable, fully automatic computer, in Berlin.  Was there any advantage (technological, military, economic, moral, or social)  that the German Government did not waste in WWII?

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33 minutes ago, Pharaoh RutinTutin said:

907 – Zhu Wen forces Emperor Ai into abdicating

It just goes to show. Artificial intelligence is way too ambitious. I bet the Chinese thought twice before they let another AI become Emperor.

Mind you, it was really impressive that they could create one powered solely by abacuses.

33 minutes ago, Pharaoh RutinTutin said:

1941 – Konrad Zuse presents the Z3, the world's first working programmable, fully automatic computer, in Berlin.  Was there any advantage (technological, military, economic, moral, or social)  that the German Government did not waste in WWII?

If there was, it wasn't for lack of trying.

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Beware the Ides of May!

On May 15 in History:

908 - At three years old, Constantine VII is crowned co-emperor of Byzantium. His first royal decree is for the allowance of infinity cookies before bedtime.

1252 - Pope Innocent IV declares that heretics need to be tortured - obviously - but there are going to be rules about how, darn it!

1397 - Sejong the Great is born. Given that I live in Korea, I'd feel guilty not mentioning this.

1648 - 109 delegations gathered in Westphalia agree after 30 or so years to stop murdering each other over disagreements regarding how to Christian. Additionally, they establish the concept of state sovereignty that we still use today. So you win some, you lose some.

1730 - Robert Walpole becomes the first Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, despite that not being a thing for another 172 years.

1800 - Believing that his own death at the hands of the British government is necessary for the second coming of Jesus (because sure, why not?), James Hadfield attempts to assassinate King George III. In a twist that would make O. Henry proud, he will be deemed insane and thus acquitted.

1864 - Students from the Virginia Military Institute fight alongside Confederate troops in the Battle of New Market, helping to repel the Union army. And you thought your final exam was tough.

1869 - Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton form a club to advance women's rights, but immediately run into trouble with they realize they're not legally allowed to vote for a leader.

1911 - The U.S. government orders the breakup of the Standard Oil corporation. Remember that scene in Teminator 2 when the frozen T-1000 shatters?

1928 - First appearance of Mickey Mouse. Created by Ub Iwerks, he is meant to compete with Disney's original mascot character, Oswald the Rabbit, now owned by Universal. Well, good luck with that.

1940 - Richard and Maurice McDonald open a hamburger stand in San Bernadino, California. In opposition to conventional wisdom, they do not hire a skilled cook, and disallow special orders. I can't see this business model going anywhere.

1948 - Egypt, Transjordan, Lebanon, Syria, Iraq and Saudi Arabia invade Israel. With such a disparity in belligerents, this is likely to be a quick war with few lasting consequences.

1974 - Ahmet Zappa is born, and is immediately envied by his two older siblings for having an actual name for a name.

2010 - At 16 years old, Jessica Watson becomes the youngest person to sail around the world solo. Meanwhile, at 34, I have yet to beat the newest Zelda game, which I bought last year.

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May 15 in EGS History:

2002 - Grace gains the Jeremy form whe Tedd zaps her with it for the first time. Her shirt suffers badly from the experience.

2003 - Tedd shows off how she looks as Claire in one of Grace's dresses, as well as her flawless Grace impression.

 

May 16 in EGS History:

2014 - Sarah discovers that she is in possession of O.P. Aludrakrala. Let all who oppose her tremble in fear.

 

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May 17 in EGS History:

2002 - Tedd misses out on his first opportunity to see Grace without a shirt. Don't worry Tedd, there will be many others.

2010 - Susan sanitizes her, Sarah, and Grace's hotel room; Sarah passes up on the opportunity to sleep with Grace. (I agree with Tedd's Fourth-Wall-Breaking reaction.)

 

May 18 in EGS History:

2002 - Tedd decides the best way to wrap up the evening would be to offer Grace catnip. [Insert obligatory drug joke.]

 

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May 18, 1979: A forum member spawns in to the world, who knew 39 levels would be such a grind? At least it's not exponentially increasing the amount of EXP needed.

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4 hours ago, Scotty said:

May 18, 1979: A forum member spawns in to the world, who knew 39 levels would be such a grind? At least it's not exponentially increasing the amount of EXP needed.

Happy birthday!  Don't sweat it, you don't start another decade for a whole 'nother year!  ;-)

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May 18, 1993: In Copenhagen, Denmark a large group of demonstrators assemble to protest the legality of a recent plebiscite about Danish membership status in the European Union. For the first time since World War 2, police officers discharge firearms against assembled protesters. 113 pistol shots are fired and a total of 11 injured protesters require hospital treatment.

Subsequently, a commission is established to investigate why Danish police officers are such awful shots.

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May 19 in EGS History:

2002 - We learn that when watching the video of the night's events, Grace insisted Sarah and Tedd watch the part where Grace took off her shirt. We are not told if they looked.

2009 - Grace smacks Ellen in the head for being such a dummy. Yet another example of the violent side hidden beneath her bubbly exterior.

2014 - Sarah imagines a vampire version of herself trying to seduce her. We also learn that she doesn't consider herself entirely straight anymore - but of course the more important issue at the moment is card games.

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May 19

715 – Pope Gregory II is elected.  He will eventually claim the Vatican Attic (the Vattic?) as his personal living space after a long argument with Sister Marcia.

1445 – John II of Castile defeats the Infantes of Aragon at the First Battle of Olmedo.  Does a military victory really rate a note in history when your opponents are babies?

1536 – Anne Boleyn, the second wife of Henry VIII of England, is beheaded for adultery, treason, and incest.  The amazing thing is that other women would agree to marry Mr VIII again, and again, and again...

1743 – Jean-Pierre Christin developed the centigrade temperature scale.  He had the brilliant idea of taking the scale developed by Anders Celsius and turning the numbers around so that higher numbers would represent hotter temperatures.

1749 – King George II of Great Britain grants the Ohio Company a charter of land around the forks of the Ohio River.  The spoons of the Ohio River had mysteriously disappeared by this time, leaving North America with unmatched cutlery.

1962 – A birthday salute to U.S. President John F. Kennedy takes place at Madison Square Garden, New York City. The highlight is Marilyn Monroe's rendition of "Happy Birthday".  Who cares if his birthday wasn't actually for another ten days?

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On May 20 in history:

325 - The First Council of Nicaea convenes to hash out some of the details of this new thing everyone believes in. Among topics being discussed: Was he part God or just really cool? Should we fix a date for Easter or copy the Jews and move it around? How big should bishops' hats be? (Answers settled upon: he totally was; copy that shit; ridiculously.)

491 - Because Byzantium is so progressive, widowed Empress Ariadne is allowed to choose her own husband - a guy named Anastasius. He still gets to do the emperoring, though (he does a good job, at least). Her previous model, Zeno, died of dysentery long before the Oregon Trail made it fashionable.

794 - East Anglian king Æthelberht II visits neighboring Mercia, hoping to marry princess Ælfthryth. He is imprisoned and beheaded instead. I'm mostly just upset that British royalty doesn't still have names like these.

1506 - Christopher Columbus dies, reportedly of complications due to gout or perhaps arthritis. However, witnesses will later claim to have seen several immigrants break into his home, take all of his things, and give him smallpox.

1520 - Spanish soldiers under Hernan Cortes' deputy Pedro de Alvarado suddenly kill a bunch of people without warning during a festival in Tenochtitlan. For some reason, this pisses the Aztecs off, who then decide they've had enough of the Spaniards' bullshit and turn on them.

1802 - Napoleon decides that abolishing slavery is just one revolutionary ideal he can't get on board with and rescinds it.

1873 - Jacob Davis and his partner receive a patent for blue jeans with copper rivets. Unfortunately for Mr. Davis's legacy, his partner, a Mr. Strauss, has a much catchier name than he does, which is why nobody goes around wearing Jacobs.

1940 - The first prisoners arrive at Auschwitz. I feel like if I were to make a joke about this one, Hell would spontaneously come into existence just so I could be sent there.

1948 - Chiang Kai-shek is elected the first real president of The Seriously Real Republic of Actual China, For Reals.

1956 - In the remote Bikini Atoll in the Pacific Ocean, the United States create Godzilla.

1980 - The citizens of the province of Quebec vote 60% no in a referendum to separate from Canada. Quoth the leader of the Bloc Quebecois: "I'll get you next time, Trudeau! NEXT TIME!"

 

 

ALTERNATE ENDINGS!

"Qobra! Retreat! Retreat!"

"Looks like Team Roquette's blasting off again!"

"We would've gotten away with it, if it weren't for you meddling Canadians."

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