• Announcements

    • Robin

      Welcome!   03/05/2016

      Welcome, everyone, to the new 910CMX Community Forums. I'm still working on getting them running, so things may change.  If you're a 910 Comic creator and need your forum recreated, let me know and I'll get on it right away.  I'll do my best to make this new place as fun as the last one!
Sign in to follow this  
Illjwamh

This Day In History

Recommended Posts

Because why not?

 

On March 30 in History:
 
1432 - Future Ottoman Sultan Mehmed II is born. A collective chill runs up the spine of every citizen of Constantinople, but is dismissed as just the wind.
 
1841 - The National Bank of Greece, a private company owned by a Swiss man, is founded. The nation of Greece is immediately in debt to it.
 
1863 - The Greeks need a king. "Hey, how about this Danish guy?" "Sure, seems legit."
 
1867- U.S. Secretary of State William Seward buys a massive piece of land from Russia for peanuts. It is filled with gold, oil, and myriad untold natural and mineral resources. He is mocked for it until his dying day.
 
1870 - The United States let Texas back in. Both sides regret it to this day.
 
1870 again - The U.S. Constitution is amended to make clear that non-white people should be allowed to vote. Not women, though. That'd be crazy.
 
1981 - John Hinckley, Jr. shoots the president of the United States in order to impress a young girl he saw in a movie. It reportedly does not work.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Illjwamh said:

1981 - John Hinckley, Jr. shoots the president of the United States in order to impress a young girl he saw in a movie. It reportedly does not work.

Take it from me, that never works. Lee Harvey Oswald and John Wilkes Booth probably also thought they'd be a hit with all the girls after nailing a president. It didn't work out that way.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

On March 31 in History:

397 - Future king K'uk B'alam I of the Mayan city of Bàakʼ(Palenque) is born. I'm just putting this on here to emphasize how awesome it is that we know that.

1492 - Isabella of Castile to her Jewish and Muslim subjects: "Catholic or GTFO."

1596 - René Descartes begins thinking.

1631 - John Donne is finished. Caput. Finito. No more. Expired and gone to meet his maker. ...Okay, I'm done.

1854 - The Tokugawa Shogunate determines that allowing foreigners to trade is a better idea than being blown up.

1889 - The Eiffel Tower opens. It is a hideous metal monstrosity that will make Paris the laughing stock of the cultured world.

1949 - Newfoundland joins Canada, under condition that they will be the butt of all jokes for the next 150 years.

1995 - Selena is murdered by the president of her fan club, who decided she didn't like the singer as much after not being allowed to embezzle money from said club.

1998 - Refusing to let Microsoft have the last laugh, Netscape releases their browser source code for free.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
17 hours ago, Illjwamh said:

1949 - Newfoundland joins Canada, under condition that they will be the butt of all jokes for the next 150 years.

It helps that the Newfies have a great sense of humour too.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

On April 1 in History:

286 - While on a campaign, Roman general and future emperor Maximian has one of his testicles bitten of by an officer's hound. The dog choked, since it was obviously solid brass.

527 - Justinian I chooses the day he becomes co-emperor to get piss drunk and call everyone at court the most vulgar things he can imagine. As he's the emperor, they thank him and as for another.

1318 - A flock of ducks flying over Berwick-upon-Tweed manage to poop - not once, but twice - right in the mayor's eye. They were Scottish ducks.

1789 - The first U.S. Speaker of the House of Representatives pees himself in front of a full chamber during Congress's first full session. Everyone pretends not to notice.

1854 - Charles Dickens begins a magazine serial about boner jokes.

1924 - Adolf Hitler is sentenced to five years in prison, of which he only serves nine months, as recompense for the near-constant stream of anal violation he suffered while in there.

1949 - Canada invades Japan. All they want are the tuna, and they leave as quickly as they come.

2010 - Crab people attempt to co-opt American culture by making a reality TV show about a family of Irish Travelers.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

No comments on my obvious bullcrap? Ah, well.

Fo' real, tho:

April 1 in History:

286 - Roman general Maximian is made co-emperor and ruler of the Western half of the empire by Diocletian. Both of his balls remain intact.

457 - Majorian is made emperor by the Roman army. You might start to notice something of a theme as we continue.

527 - Justin I names his nephew Justinian co-emperor and heir. Knowing Byzantine politics, he may well have been piss drunk when he did it. Turned out to be a really good idea anyway, though.

528 - The daughter of Emperor Xiaoming of Northern Wei becomes the first female monarch of China. It should tell you something that she only ruled for a day, she was instated officially as a male heir, and we only know her as "The Daughter of Emperor Xiaoming of Northern Wei".

1318 - The Scottish capture Berwick-upon-Tweed from England. Knowing the historical tensions between the two countries, if there was any poop-in-eye shenanigans going on, you can bet it wasn't a duck's.

1789 - The U.S. House of Representatives selects its very first Speaker of the House. If they were anything at all like today's House, that's all they accomplished that whole week.

1854 - Charles Dickens begins serializing his novel Hard Times, which as long as I never read, I'm going to continue assuming is full of boner jokes.

1918 - The RAF is formed. I have it on good authority that they do not allow chickens behind the controls of complex aircraft.

1924 - Hitler goes to jail. He may or may not have been violated repeatedly by angry, burly bikers with father issues and something to prove, but if I ever get a time machine, I'm totally selling that story to a tabloid.

Also 1924 - The Royal Canadian Air Force is formed. They're both dead now, but their replacements still fly the original plane.

1944 - Thanks to faulty navigation, American planes accidentally bomb the Swiss city of Schaffhausen. Attempts to pass it off as an April Fool's Day prank are poorly received.

1957 - The BBC, in perhaps its single greatest broadcast of all time, convinced hundreds of people across Britain that spaghetti grew on trees. No, really.

2001 - Same-sex marriage becomes legal in the Netherlands, which is why that country no longer exists, having been wiped off the face of the earth by the angry fist of God two weeks later.

2009 - Croatia and Albania join NATO, because who even cares what the letters stand for anymore?

2015 - Misao Okawa, the oldest person in the world and the oldest Japanese person ever, dies at the age of 117 years, 27 days. Only four people in recorded history have lived longer than her.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, Illjwamh said:

April 1 in History:

2015 - Misao Okawa, the oldest person in the world and the oldest Japanese person ever, dies at the age of 117 years, 27 days. Only four people in recorded history have lived longer than her.

I remember reading about Jeanne Calment, who was quite thoroughly proven to have died at age 122 years, 164 days.  She was very athletic and active in her youth.  She also ate a lot of chocolate, right to the end.  Guess which one I have a chance of immitating?  ;-)

The current oldest living person, Tabi Najima, was born 4 August 1900.  Boggles the mind a bit.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

April 4 in History:

Old Tippecanoe dies after being President of the USA for just 1 month. Tyler Too takes over, giving the Whigs an early lead in the Unluckiest Major American Political Party Ever contest.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

April 4 in History:

1841--Old Tippecanoe dies after being President of the USA for just 1 month. Tyler Too takes over, giving the Whigs an early lead in the Unluckiest Major American Political Party Ever contest.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you're jumping ahead a little there.

On April 3 in history:

686 - Yuknoom Yich'aak K'ahk' becomes king of the Maya city-state of Calakmul. Translated, his name means "Jaguar Paw Smoke", which is just about the coolest name of any king anywhere ever.

801 - Louis the Pious captures Barcelona from the Moors. Oh, I'm sorry, that was the Moops.

1860 - The first Pony Express run - from St. Joseph, Missouri to Sacramento, California - begins. The finale of the William Tell Overture presumably accompanies the entire thing.

1865 - Union forces capture the Confederate capital of Richmond, Virginia. The Confederate higher-ups come to the conclusion that putting their capital within a day's journey from the Union capital was not their best idea.

1882 - Jesse James is shot in the back by Robert Ford, which everybody knows thanks to the title of an incredibly boring movie that nobody saw.

1888 - A woman is brutally murdered in the Whitechapel district of London's East End. This would happen ten more times, spawning the legend of one of history's most infamous killers, numerous games and derivative novels, and the most infuriating and frustrating episode of CSI ever.

1922 - Ioseb Besarionis dze Jughashvili, better known as Joseph Stalin, becomes the first General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union. Savvy onlookers notice John Williams' "Imperial March" playing softly in the background.

1955 - The ACLU announces it will defend Allen Ginsberg's "Howl" against obscenity charges. In other news, obscenity charges were a thing. Wtf?

1981 - The first portable computer is unveiled. It weighs 23 and a half pounds, includes no battery, and has less computing power than my wristwatch.

2010 - The first generation iPad is released. I still don't need one, and I still want one.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Illjwamh said:

I think you're jumping ahead a little there.

Only a little... my... time machine's on the fritz, yeah, that's it.

Speaking of time:

April 3 in history:

1693 - John Harrison, inventor of the first really good marine clock, is born.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, Illjwamh said:

I think you're jumping ahead a little there.

Today in future history:

April 3, 2024. I finally perfect my time machine. But due to using artificial diamond in the central unit instead of a real one, I misjump several years back in time and the central unit burns out. To make matters worse, the first time I wait around long enough to attempt to warn myself I arrive just a moment too late. Maybe I will be luckier six years from now.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You missed a few good ones for April 3

1043 - Edward the Confessor is crowned King of England.  Unfortunately, upon his death, several different claimants "confess" to being St Edward's rightful heir.

2000 – United States v. Microsoft Corp.: Microsoft is ruled to have violated United States antitrust law by keeping "an oppressive thumb" on its competitors.  This does not surprise anyone.

1968 - In Memphis, Dr Martin Luther King Jr delivered his final public speech.  "I've Been to the Mountaintop".

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Speaking of April 4

1721 – Sir Robert Walpole becomes the first British prime minister.

1768 – In London, Philip Astley stages the first modern circus.  So what did they call Parliamentary politics before this?

1796 – Georges Cuvier delivers the first paleontological lecture.  Can you dig it?

1850 – A large part of the English village of Cottenham burns to the ground in suspicious circumstances.  Also, Los Angeles is incorporated as a city.  This seems like too much of a coincidence.

1945 – World War II: Soviet troops "liberate" Hungary from German occupation and occupy the country itself.  I've seen this pattern before.

1975 – Microsoft is founded as a partnership between Bill Gates and Paul Allen in Albuquerque, New Mexico.  And it barely looked like an evil giant at all back then.

And let us not forget that April 4 is the Feast Day of St Tigernach of Clones.  Seemed worth mentioning now that people are being duplicated in the current story arc.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/3/2018 at 8:06 AM, Illjwamh said:

On April 3 in history:

1888 - A woman is brutally murdered in the Whitechapel district of London's East End. This would happen ten more times, spawning the legend of one of history's most infamous killers, numerous games and derivative novels, and the most infuriating and frustrating episode of CSI ever.

I was interested to learn that the name "Jack the Ripper" was taken from a letter which is pretty much universally recognized as being a hoax, possibly created by the reporters who claimed to have been sent it.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

1726 - Benjamin Harrison V, signer of the American Declaration of Independence, father of President William Henry Harrison and great-grandfather of President Benjamin Harrison, is born in His Majesty's Colony of Virginia.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 A bunch of Canadian ones ;)

1669 - Jean Talon grants a royal bounty to large families in New France in the name of Louis XlV; in Canada's first baby bonus, the Crown gives 300 livres to families of 10 children, 400 to families of 12.

1871 - Rail - Prince Edward Island Assembly authorizes the building of a railway across the province; the near bankruptcy of the line will force the province into Confederation two years later.

1908 - Communications - First dial telephones in Canada for general use put into service in Edmonton.

1958 - Ripple Rock blown up with 1.2 tons of Nitramex, in world's largest non-nuclear explosion to date; the reef was a shipping hazard just below the surface of Seymour Narrows near Campbell River that had sunk or damaged 119 vessels and caused the death of over 100 people. Captain George Vancouver called the narrows "one of the vilest stretches of water in the world."

1970 - Hockey - Bobby Orr becomes the first NHL defensemean to win the scoring title.

1971 - Energy - Gentilly-1 experimental nuclear power station starts operations near Trois-Rivières; the CANDU reactor is world's first to be fueled by natural uranium, and cooled by ordinary water.

1981 - Hockey - Edmonton Oilers Wayne Gretzky scores five points against Winnipeg Jets to set a record for points per game average in one season; also reaches 300 point plateau faster than any player in NHL history.

2004 - Energy - US-Canada task force investigating the power blackout of August 14, 2003, calls for mandatory reliability rules.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yay, Canada!

Here's mine.
 
On April 5 in History:
 
1242 - Alexander Nevsky's Russian forces defeat the Teutonic Order at the Battle on the Ice, history's first high profile hockey game.
 
1536 - The Roman Empire has been gone for over a thousand years, its successor for nearly a century, but that doesn't stop Charles V from pretending to be a Roman emperor as he enters the city Triumphantly.
 
1614 - Matoaka, also known as Pocahontas, marries one of her captors. Does it count as Stockholm Syndrome if the term hasn't been invented yet? Either way, makes for a shittier Disney movie.
 
1722 - Jacob Roggeveen stumbles upon Easter Island, continuing the European tradition of naming Pacific Islands after major holidays they happened to be discovered on.
 
1955 - Akira Toriyama is born. His power level is abnormally high for a baby.
 
1994 - Kurt Cobain commits suicide. It feels tasteless to write a joke about this one, so Nevermind.
 
2008 - Charlton Heston dies. In accordance with his wishes, his guns are pried from his hands.
 
2009 - North Korea launches a rocket that flies over mainland Japan. The United Nations has a stern talk with them.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

April 6 in History:

 

1199 - Richard I of England dies of infection. His last words are, "I used to be a Crusader. Then I took an arrow to the shoulder."

1453 - Mehmed II's siege of Constantinople begins. All his friends are like, "Dude, it's been there for over a thousand years. You're never gonna get it; just let it go."

1483 - Raphael is born. Much to his dismay, he will eventually be more popular as a turtle.

1520 - Raphael dies. Worst. Birthday. Ever.

1830 - Mormons, Part 1! Joseph Smith creates a new religion in New York, because why not?

1860 - Mormons, Part 2! Joseph Smith III creates an offshoot sect of his father's religion, because that's apparently just what you do when your name is Joseph Smith.

1866 - The Grand Army of the Republic is formed. It consists not, as I was dismayed to learn, of genetically modified clones of a Mandalorian bounty hunter, but rather of Union veterans of the American Civil War. They don't even fight robots.

1893 - Mormons, Part 3! The dedication of Salt Lake Temple. What is it about April 6 in the LDS community? Is it just for tradition's sake now? Probability of "yes": 98%.

1896 - The first modern Olympic Games open, after the event had been banned by the Roman Empire 1500 years before. In your FACE, Theodosius!

1930 - Gandhi picks up a handful of salty goop. The British flip their shit.

1947 - The Tony Awards premier. Neil Patrick Harris hosts.

1973 - Upon realizing that older players gone to seed can still hit better than pitchers, the American League of Major League Baseball decides to let them.

2012 - Azawad declares independence from Mali. If you haven't heard of it and feel like you missed something, it's because it will rejoin Mali less than a year later.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 06/04/2018 at 7:34 PM, Illjwamh said:

What is it about April 6 in the LDS community? Is it just for tradition's sake now? Probability of "yes": 98%.

It's… slightly more complicated than that, but yes.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this