ProfessorTomoe

We avoided the twistyness, but not the ferocity of a North Texas spring front on our way to the Spine Team appointment. Got hit by almost every kind of rain known to Douglas Adams's Rain God, and even got a single pea-sized piece of hail. Windy as hell, too, as Mrs. Prof drove us across the Lake Ray Hubbard bridge. Almost had an 18-wheeler pushed into us. Just all kinds of fun.

I think f!Elliot also gets a kick off of getting some revenge on Ellen for the times that she's put him in awkward situations.

One of the most underrated movies of all time. Only a Russian spy would know the building plans of The Telephone Company's headquarters because he was a shareholder.

I would rather take the fifth, if it wouldn't interfere with so many of my medications. Hell, I'd even settle for The Glenlivet. I'm not that picky.

C-F

/* tosses a sewing machine out through a briefly open PlotHole */

/* cue Star Wars opening theme */

Sorry for not updating after I got home from the doctor's office. I got hit with a huge pain wave in my leg on the way out of the pharmacy, then started feeling brain freeze when I got home. I wound up passing out for an hour or two. Let me do a quick roundup first. The doctor I saw today was Spine Team Texas doctor number three—a full-blown back surgeon. Doctor number two did my CT myelogram on Monday (I don't know if he does back operations or what—the field is very segmented, if /me will pardon the pun). Doctor number one did my initial diagnostic injections. He's usually an ambulatory surgeon, if my guess is correct. He's also in charge of pain management, as in the drug dispensation side of pain management. Ready? Let's begin. Doctor #3 went over the findings from Monday's CT myelogram. His conclusion was swift and disappointing: there was nothing surgical that he could do for me. Nothing. We've just begun, and I already want to break something with my cane. I told him what I've been through—the excruciating pain, the two botched IV attempts (you should see the pictures of them on Mrs. Prof's Facebook page), the possible spinal headache—and I let my disappointment be known. He understood, thankfully. Here's what he laid out for me, not necessarily in any order. He told me that I most likely am experiencing a minor spinal headache from the hole they punched during the epidural procedure. The pain has actually gone down a bit today. He explained that's because the epidural hole is healing slowly. His advice: same as the on-call doctor I talked to. Drink caffeine and lie down with my head elevated. He consulted with Doctor #1 and got permission to increase my pain medication dosage from every 8 hours (3x a day) to every 6 hours (4x a day). I had to do another urine test and fill out another form with the last times I'd taken some of my other medications, but that was no big deal. Unfortunately, I still had to wait a couple more hours after I got home before I could take the first extra dose. That's why I got hit with the pain wave at the pharmacy. He confirmed that Doctor #1 is going to do a procedure on May 16th that should provide some actual pain relief, and not be just another diagnostic like the first two I've been through. Doctor #1 is going to do another epidural, but this time it'll be an injection of steroids. I believe it's going to go through the bottom end of my spinal column, but I'm not 100% sure about that part. I think I'll call and verify that before the procedure takes place. Finally, he gave me some material on an electrode implant that is supposed to relieve pain in patients like me with no screamingly obvious physical cause. It came with a disc that I'm supposed to watch. Mrs. Prof read through it while I was doing my drug test (eww), so I haven't had a chance to go over it yet. If the steroid epidural doesn't work, I might wind up getting one of these things implanted. (I shiver at the thought of the word "implanted.") That's about it. I'm worn out from what I've been through, but starting tomorrow I've got to begin building a forum thread for the literary critique team that I run in the Ubergroup over on Scribophile. I'm going to need more rest before I get going on that. I hope you don't mind if my posts here are short and silly for the next few days. Thus endeth this chapter. Thank you for letting me write it. Let's see where the next one begins.

Big boobs?

I was drinking the cold cup of coffee that mlooney despises so much, but that was hours ago. Now drinking Crystal Light Lemon Tea. Can't stomach anymore caffeine at the moment. If I need more, I'm gonna have to get it via IV.

Necessity is the mother of GIMME BACK THAT DAMN CUP OF COFFEE I SAID PUT IT DOWN RIGHT NOW

That's life for me, in a nutshell. Most of my medical procedures seem to go wrong one way or another. That's why I get so damned anxious when a hospital trip is involved. P.S.—Got a couple of hours of sleep at last, but not without help. What I chose to eat didn't go down well. Had to take a Zofran to get rid of nausea. That knocked me out. Woke up facing a cold cup of coffee. Went ahead and downed it. It helped my spinal headache for a while, but now it's coming back and I'm going to have to lay back down again. Maybe some natural sleep will follow.

Storms forecast for the early afternoon here—just when we've got to get out on the road and head to my spine doctor. [insert curse word of your choice here]

Drank early morning coffee, this time of the "WTFU" variety with a couple of SToK caffeine/black coffee packs added. Worked for a while. Also took a hydrocodone at around 4:30 a.m. CDT. It's slightly dulled the back/hip/leg pain, but not enough to let me fight through the caffeine to try and sleep. I think I'm going to take a gas pill and try to eat something light. That should help my stomach accept another cup of coffee (no more SToK—don't want to go into vasospasms, for Christ's sake). I may be throwing away any chance at sleep, but I've got to get rid of this headache.

It is, but maybe for a slightly different reason. Caffeine is a vasoconstrictor. There's probably something about that property that helps regulate the pressure of cerebrospinal fluid. CSF pressure changes can be caused when something goes slightly wrong with an epidural procedure (leaks, from what I've read), and that is supposed to be the root of spinal headaches like I'm fighting off. I'm still not 100% sure I've got a spinal headache, but it's been responding to what the doctor told me to do. Besides, my "brain freeze" symptom kinda makes sense, since the sinuses are very close to an area of cerebrospinal fluid (which is what "freezes," or in actuality just gets supercold, (if I've got my science right) and causes the headache). Don't ask me what I'm doing up against doctor's orders at 3:51 a.m CDT. The caffeine probably screwed with my ability to sleep, and the pain in my hip/leg/foot definitely screwed with my ability to sleep.

Turns out an epidural (a.k.a. spinal) headache can start there. I had to call the doctor's after-hours line again. They told me to drink lots of caffeine (I've had three large cups of coffee, which is the max that my stomach can handle and which are giving me PVCs like crazy) and to lie down with my head elevated on several pillows. I'm not supposed to be sitting up at the computer, but I left this topic open so I figured I'd better give it some closure. Anyway, the caffeine helped, and Mrs. Prof got a lesson on when not to leave her cell phone at home when she goes up to do volunteer work at the Garland Pet Adoption Center. I was essentially stranded—if I'd had to go to the ER, I would have had to call 911, since I can't drive in my current state. All of this will be reviewed (including my hydrocodone dosage) at my follow-up with the spine doctor Wednesday afternoon. If I need a blood patch, caffeine IV (yes, they actually do exist!), or other fix for my headache, they can walk me across the breezeway to the hospital and check me in to the ER from there.

Quality of life. That would be nice. Very nice indeed. Thank you.

Does anyone know if an epidural headache can start behind the eyes? I've had a couple of coughing bouts lately, and now I feel like I've got brain freeze and a sore back.

Good question. Mrs. Prof loves to torture me with it. Apparently, Texas Health Presbyterian Rockwall Hospital does, too. They forced me to watch two episodes of it in the waiting room before someone came out to get me prepped for my procedure yesterday.

The weather service has finally completed their survey of tornadoes that hit counties to the east of the D/FW Metroplex over the weekend. Seven twisters touched down, including an EF-4 that had 180 MPH winds. Four people lost their lives among the varied storms.

I asked Mrs. Prof to try and find some Cream of Shrimp at our local wherever-she-went store. She was unsuccessful, and spendthrift that she is, she wasn't about to go searching for anything labeled "Pepperidge Farm" or similarly high-falootin'.

I'm back. So is my back. My back is back, I mean. My back and I are back. /* Oh, let it go, let it go ... */ Mrs. Prof is thankful for your kind words and likes. Not quite so thankful for me being a tad grouchy, but I'm the one who had a needle stuck in his spine. I call dibs. Anyway, the CT myelogram is done. It almost didn't get done. Hit a pair of road blocks along the way. First road block was the IV—took 'em three tries to get it started, although they started the second attempt anyway. I now have a nice purple map of Kentucky inside my right elbow as a result. Second road block was my laryngospasm coughing. I've discovered that it really gets worse when I'm flat on my back. Guess what they did to me? Yep, flat out, right before the doctor interviewed me for the procedure. Set off all kinds of red alerts. For a while, I didn't know if they were going to do the procedure or call it off. They eventually got me off my back, onto my stomach, and onto some oxygen. They then timed me between coughs. Once I was down to five minutes between coughs, the doctor decided it'd be safe. Fortunately, those were the only road blocks. They shaved my back, gave me some fentanyl and another drug whose name I don't remember, and proceeded to stick the needle between the bones of my spinal column. They didn't fully anesthetize me, since I had to roll around for the second (CT) part of the procedure. Still, I wasn't freaked out—the sedative cocktail was enough to let me be interested in what was going on during the procedure and not worried at all about it. They wheeled me into the recovery room after they were done. First time I've been conscious when that's happened. Very interesting sensation, knowing where you're going and not being afraid of or anxious about it. The pain from Sunday continued, even through the sedation. There was no real pain relief, since they couldn't give me enough fentanyl to do that without knocking me out. A post-op nurse got permission from a doctor to give me a hydrocodone pill in the recovery room. I spent almost three hours in the recovery room. The time there was to make sure I didn't get an epidural headache, supposedly one of the worst you can get. I didn't get one. I did have a nasty bout of muscle spasms set in, for which Mrs. Prof punched the nurse call button. The nurse determined I was getting a bit hypothermic. She must have piled a half dozen warm blankets on top of me. Even brought one in for Mrs. Prof. I had one small scary moment as they were discharging me. They wanted to make sure I could go to the bathroom, so they wheeled me over and let me go in. Mission accomplished, I stood in front of the sink and washed my hands. That's when the scary moment hit—a brief grey-out. It left me quickly enough so that I didn't fall over. I immediately left the bathroom and got back into the wheelchair before another grey-out hit. Riding home was interesting. I had to sit lying on my side with the passenger seat all the way back to keep my head and back as flat as possible. You get a really interesting view of traffic out of a Honda Ridgeline going full speed on a major Interstate highway from that position. We made it home in one piece, and I went straight to the sofa and got horizontal again. I was allowed brief periods of getting up for things like drinking, eating, and going to the bathroom, but otherwise I had to stay horizontal for 24 hours after the epidural needle went in. That period ended today at 12:34 p.m. CDT. I'm taking it easy now, as instructed, not moving around much other than sitting at my laptop and getting caught up on a metric buttload of internet things. I need to call the pulmonologist's office soon. Ironically, they called the house to set up an appointment yesterday while I was in the waiting room at the hospital. I'll be back at the spine team's office tomorrow at 2:15 p.m. CDT to find out if this whole odyssey was worth it. In the meantime, and I really mean this, thank you again for letting me track my progress, express my fears, vent my spleen, and just generally chronicle one of the more traumatic segments of my life. I hope it wasn't boring.

This is Mrs. Prof here... Mr. Prof made it through his diagnostic test today. He is home and being demanding. Guess that is a good sign!

10:09 p.m. CDT. The hydrocodone is more effective at the more frequent dose, although it's more sedating. I haven't hit anything higher than an 8 on the pain scale yet. Unfortunately, that's about where I am right now. I'm going to have to change my schedule to a more orthodox wake-up/shower/leave schedule tomorrow morning. I've got an alarm set for 11:55 p.m. CDT so that I can take my last hydrocodone dose of the night before midnight. This will probably be my last entry before the CT myelogram tomorrow. Again, thank you all for letting me chronicle what's been going on. Mrs. Prof will take over the posting until at least noon CDT Tuesday, which is the earliest I'll be allowed to resume sitting upright for any length of time longer than a restroom break. I'll let you know how things went as soon as I can. Much obliged.

Mrs. Prof is forcing "American Pickers" on me. It's just now reaching the level below torture, now that the extra hydrocodone has begun to kick in. Still not my favorite show. We're going to have to wait to watch the Phoenix IndyCar race tomorrow after I get out of recovery.