Illjwamh

On September 19 in History: 634 - Damascus is the first major Byzantine city to fall to the new Rashidun Caliphate under the command of Khalid ibn al-Walid. All those years of fighting with Persia, softening each other up, are starting to look like a bad idea in hindsight. 1356 - Edward the Black Prince captures King John II of France at the Battle of Poitiers. Yet somehow beyond all reason, this war will continue for another 97 years and the English will end up losing. 1676 - Jamestown is burned to the ground during Bacon's Rebellion. "Why didn't we think of that?" ~The Powhattan 1692 - Accused warlock Giles Corey dies when he tells people to pile more rocks on him. 1868 - La Gloriosa (the Glorious Revolution) begins in Spain to overthrow the reign of Queen Isabella II. What to do after accomplishing that, well...we'll figure it out later. How hard could it be? 1881 - U.S. President James Garfield dies of gunshot wounds sustained two and a half months ago. That's two in just sixteen years. I really hope assassinating the president doesn't become a thing. 1893 - All women in New Zealand are now allowed to vote. Meanwhile Europe continues to pretend it's the dominant driving force of civilized culture. 1940 - Polish army officer Witold Pilecki (a Catholic) is captured and sent to Auschwitz. ON PURPOSE. Once there he intends to gather information for the allies and begin a resistance movement. One wonders how the Germans didn't spot him for what he was; surely the clanging of his massive titanium balls should have given him away. 1974 - Jimmy Fallon is born. Despite the fact that he breaks character and laughs when he's supposed to be crying, the doctors cannot help but be charmed by him. 1983 - St. Kitts and Nevis gains its independence from...you guessed it, the United Kingdom. 1985 - A big earthquake kills thousands of people and destroys hundreds of buildings in and around Mexico City. Wait for it... 1995 - Orville Redenbacher finally pops. Libations of artificial butter flavoring are poured out in his honor. 2010 - Someone finally manages to stop all the oil spilling out into the Gulf of Mexico. "Shit, man, you think we can clean it up before anybody notices?" 2017 - Two hours after a commemoration of the 1985 quake, accompanied by a national earthquake drill, a huge earthquake hits just outside Puebla, near the Greater Mexico City area. What the hell, Tepēyōllōtl??

This was my understanding.

On September 18 in History: 53 - Trajan is born. Your zenith approaches, Rome. 96 - Nerva is proclaimed Roman emperor on the assassination of Domitian. His greatest achievement will be adopting the guy from above. Long may he rei- aaaand, he's dead. 324 - Constantine defeats Licinius at the Battle of Chrysopolis. Two emperors enter, one emperor leaves. 524 - Kan B'alam I ascends the thrown of Palenque. He's the first ruler to use the title "K'inich", meaning "radiant" This means his full name translates as "Radiant Snake Jaguar", in case anyone was wondering why I always make sure to include these guys. 1066 - Harald Hardrada, King of Norway, lands on the northeastern coast of England to claim the realm for himself. This will be a year long remembered in the annals of Anglo-Norwegian history! 1598 - Death of Toyotomi Hideyoshi. "Excellent." ~Tokugawa Ieyasu 1714 - George I arrives in Great Britain for the first time since becoming king a month and a half ago. Or ever, really. 1914 - The Irish Home Rule Act is passed by the British parliament and becomes law. "But you'll have to wait until later; we're in the middle of something." 1928 - Spanish engineer Juan de la Cierva is the first to cross the English Channel in an autogyro because sure, why not? 1931 - A Japanese garrison officer detonates a batch of dynamite near a Japanese railroad near the town of Mukden in Manchuria that doesn't even damage anything. Clearly this is part of some kind of Chinese plot and we must launch a full invasion in response. 1934 - The Soviet Union is allowed to join the League of Nations. I once again refer you to the TV Tropes entry for "Token Evil Teammate". 1973 - Both Germanys join the United Nations. Also The Bahamas. This is likely the only thing these countries will ever have in common. 1974 - The hilariously named Hurricane Fifi strikes Honduras. I can't decided whether to picture a poodle or a stereotypical French maid. Haha, it's actually not funny over 5,000 people died. 1977 - Voyager I makes history, and for the first time the Earth and the Moon take a picture together. Of course the Moon had to ruin it by blinking. 1981 - France guillotines the death penalty. 1990 - Liechtenstein joins the U.N. This is kind of like letting your kid brother hang out in your clubhouse. 2014 - Scotland votes not to leave the UK. They will come to regret this.

Well, yes. The worst part was, it wasn't even the first time that had happened. Said village was already an attempt to reestablish society in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. There would have been people living there who were the first or second generation descendants of the survivors of the last plague that wiped out 90% of the population.

They also landed far north of where they intended, so even what they were expecting was different from what they got. That doesn't change the fact that they were critically unprepared and underqualified, not just for farming, but for setting up a colony in general and all that entails. If they hadn't happened upon an abandoned native village from which they could salvage supplies and utilize structures, and if the ship hadn't stayed with them that first winter, they'd have been proper fucked.

On September 16 in History: 681 - Pope Honorius is excommunicated by the Sixth Ecumenical Council. I mean, he's already dead; we just wanted to make extra sure he's in Hell. 1400 - Owain Glyndŵr is proclaimed Prince of Wales. Henry IV of England is not amused. 1620 - The Pilgrims set out from England on the Mayflower. In their haste and excitement to set up their own new religious colony in the New World, they forgot to bring along with them sufficient provisions, winter supplies, adequate tools, or anyone who knew what they fuck they were doing. 1701 - James II & VII of England and Scotland dies in exile in France. Or, as he's known by this time, "James". 1810 - Miguel Hidalgo y Costilla, a priest in the Mexican town of Dolores, rings a bell and cries out, "We must fight the Spanish and seize our independence!" To which the people of Mexico replied, "Okay, sure." 1955 - The military coup to oust Argentinian president Juan Perón is launched at midnight. Shots! 1963 - Malaya, Singapore, North Borneo, and Sarawak combine to form Malaysia. Singapore's not really feelin' it, though. 1975 - Papua New Guinea gains its independence from Australia. Indepenception. 1976 - Shavarsh Karapetyan, a champion swimmer from Armenia, saves 20 people from drowning after a trolley had fallen into a reservoir in the capital city of Yerevan. Your move, Mr. Phelps. 1979 - Eight East Germans escape to the West by means of a homemade hot air balloon. Every once in a while, one of those plans that's "just crazy enough to work" actually does. 2007 - Author James Oliver Rigney Jr., better known as Robert Jordan, dies before completing his epic fantasy series, The Wheel of Time. Oh, and it's really sad for his family, too.

On September 14 in History: 786 - Harun al-Rashid becomes Caliph on the same day his son is born. Even taking into account that his brother died, this is probably still the greatest day of his life. 919 - High King of Ireland Niall Glúndub and five other Irish kings are killed in the Battle of Islandbridge while trying to force the Vikings of Dublin of the realm. Well, shit. 1180 - Future shogun Minamoto no Yoritomo's force of 300 is outnumbered ten to one and overwhelmed at the Battle of Ishibashiyama, the first in which Yoritomo takes command. Fortunately for him, he escapes by the expedient method of hiding in a tree until somebody comes to rescue him. Japan's future leader! 1321 - Dante Alighieri embarks on the next great adventure. Which to him must be boring, since he's already seen everything. 1752 - Today comes after September 2 in the British Empire, which has just adopted the Gregorian calendar. Why they chose such an arbitrary date to do it, I couldn't tell you. 1812 - Napoleon's Grande Armée triumphantly enters Moscow. Victory is assured! ...wait, why is everything on fire? 1836 - Aaron Burr, already immobile from a stroke two years before, is finally put out of his misery by the vengeful ghost of Alexander Hamilton 1901 - William McKinley dies of his gunshot wound, resulting in Teddy Roosevelt becoming president. This is funny if you're aware that Teddy is very anti-corruption, and the powers-that-be in the political machine had conspired to place him in the office of the vice presidency, which has virtually no power, where he couldn't do any "damage" to their established order. Whoopsie. 1917 - Russian Empire out, Russian Republic in. "You're doing it backwards," says Rome. 1940 - Hungarian soldiers and civilians run around the area of Ip in Sălaj County, Romania, indiscriminately killing any ethnic Romanians they come across. Because the whole world has gone to hell and this is just the sort of shit that happens now, apparently. 1959 - The Soviet probe named Luna 2 is the first manmade object to reach the Moon, where it crashes. Don't worry, it was supposed to. 1960 - Mobutu Sese Seko, army chief of staff of the brand-newly independent Democratic Republic of the Congo, ousts both the Prime Minister and the President in a bloodless coup and takes control of the government. With CIA help, natch. 1982 - I try to be like Grace Kelly, but all her looks were too sad. Also, she's dead now. 1994 - The Major League Baseball season ends early due to a player strike, ending the Montreal Expos' last best chance at winning a championship and thus to continue existing. 2009 - Patrick Swayze dies, though he can occasionally still be seen making pottery with Demi Moore. 2015 - Gravitational waves are observed for the first time. "Told you." ~Einstein

On September 13 in History: 509 BCE - On Rome's Capitoline Hill, the Temple of Jupiter Optimus Maximus is dedicated. "Optimus Maximus" means "The best and greatest". Geez, Rome, suck up much? 81 - Roman emperor Titus dies, leaving us with his younger brother Domitian. Thanks a lot, dude. 379 - Yax Nuun Ahiin I ascends to the throne of Tikal. His name means "Curl Nose". Well that's kind of mean. 533 - Belisarius gives the Vandals a taste of their own medicine at the Battle of Ad Decimum, which will allow him to take the city of Carthage the following day. Several Byzantine/Roman soldiers have the weird feeling they've done this before. 678 - Future ruler of Palenque Kʼinich Ahkal Moʼ Nahb III is born. His name means Radiant Turtle Macaw Lake. What, are they just throwing darts at random words now? 1229 - Ögedei Khan becomes the second Khagan/Great Khan of the Mongol Empire. Good luck living up to your dad, guy. 1475 - Cesare Borgia is born to Pope Alexander VI. You know, the head of the church that demands celibacy from its clergy. Machiavelli takes a special interest. 1791 - Louis XVI of France accepts the country's new constitution, as he can clearly see which way the wind is blowing. Guy's got a head on his shoulders. 1814 - The British fail to capture the city of Baltimore or its defending outpost, Fort McHenry. Francis Scott Key writes a poem about it. You probably haven't read it. 1862 - A Union soldier finds a copy of Confederate general Robert E. Lee's detailed battle plans wrapped around some cigars lying in a field. Whoopsie. 1985 - Super Mario Bros. is released in Japan. It stars an Italian plumber who must save a princess from the clutches of an army of turtles in a kingdom populated by mushrooms. The turtles with their hard shells represent militarism, and the mushrooms represent those taken by the programmers when designing the game. 1993 - Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin and PLO Chairman Yasser Arafat shake hands at the White House. Well, that should solve everything. Looks like our work here is done.

On September 12 in History: 490 BCE - The Athenian army and their allies defeat the invading Persian army at the plains of Marathon. One guy runs himself to death back to the city to deliver the news - a feat millions of people will one day regularly recreate for fun. 640 - Death of Sak Kʼukʼ, former queen of Bàakʼ (Palenque). She hasn't been queen for 25 years, though; her son K'inich Janaab' Pakal (Pacal the Great) took over after only about three years. Officially, anyway. You know how these things work. 1609 - Henry Hudson begins exploring a river in the New World. We really should name it. 1683 - "YOU! SHALL NOT! PASS!" ~ Habsburgs, Poland-Lithuania, and the HRE to the Ottomans at the Battle of Vienna 1938 - Adolf Hitler demands that the largely German population of the Sudetenland in Czechoslovakia be given "autonomy" and "self-determination". By which of course he means, "Give it to me." 1959 - The first regularly scheduled TV program to be aired in color premiers. It's a Bonanza for the senses. 1962 - America's crazy president publicly talks about going to the moon, and "other things". 1974 - Ethiopian emperor Haile Selassie is deposed in a military coup after 58 years of rule. Sure could use some magic Jesus powers right about now. 1990 - The two Germanies and the four countries controlling those two Germanies agree to let there be just one Germany that controls itself. Next year. 2003 - Johnny Cash dies. Whether or not he falls into a burning ring of fire remains unclear, though I consider it unlikely. 2005 - The last of Israeli military units and settlers finish withdrawing from the Gaza Strip. Approximately 2,500 homes are left demolished. "Hey, not our problem anymore."

Well that's fine. I'd never expect every joke to land with every person all the time.

I missed a day due to traveling, so here it is. On September 9 in History: 9 - German-born Roman soldier Arminius leads a coalition of six German tribes in an ambush against three Roman legions in the Teutoburg Forest. The resulting slaughter - perhaps the worst defeat in Roman history - permanently ends Rome's designs on Germania, tips the scales of Roman history from expansion toward eventual collapse, and prevents the Romanization of all the Germanic peoples of Europe. In other words, it's kind of a big deal. 337 - Constantine I is succeeded as emperor by his three sons, Constantine II, Constantius II, and Constans. Okay, I'm sensing something of a theme with the names here. 1000 - King Olaf Tryggvasson has all 11 of his ships captured at the Battle of Svolder by the 70+ ships of his enemies (Kings of Denmark and Sweden, and one of Olaf's own Jarls) who didn't like that he was trying to unite Norway under one rule. Chiefly because they wanted bits of Norway for themselves. 1543 - Mary Stuart becomes "Queen of Scots" at nine months old. Surely she will have an illustrious reign. 1947 - The world's first computer bug is found. Literally. There was moth in the Mark II computer at Harvard. 1948 - Kim Il-Sung announces the creation of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea. With the exception of "Korea", it will be none of those things. 1956 - Elvis Presley appears on the Ed Sullivan show. Puritans everywhere lose their shit. 1969 - The Canadian government declares French is to be equal to English, leading to numerous comedy sketches involving graffiti all expounding on the same joke. 1991 - Tajikistan quits the Soviet Union. For most westerners, this is the first time they've ever heard of Tajikistan. 1993 - The PLO officially recognizes Israel as a legitimate state. This is, so they say, all they wanted, right? So things can calm down now. 2015 - "Eat it, Victoria." ~ Elizabeth II, longest reigning British Monarch.

No, they don't. However, the Germany of that particular time in history was not the most stable of countries - however little of it was their own fault - and they had already started tiptoeing down the road that would lead to the regime of a decade later. So no, Germany today doesn't deserve a reputation for being the "bad guy" any more than France deserves one for "giving up". But Germany then can't pretend to have its hands clean. Plus, you know, it's a flippant pop-culture reference on a joke-a-day history post.

On September 8 in History: 1100 - Theodoric, the Bishop of Albano, is elected Antipope. Of course he and his pals would tell you he was elected Pope. 1331 - Stefan Dušan declares himself to be the King of Serbia. Nobody has the guts to tell him otherwise, so I guess he's the King of Serbia now. 1380 - The Battle of Kulikovo between the Mongol Golden Horde and an alliance of various Russian princes under Dmitry of Moscow is the Russians' Captain Picard moment. "The line must be drawn here! This far; no further!" 1504 - Michelangelo unveils his statue of a ripped naked guy with a tiny dick in Florence. 1522 - Magellan's ship Victoria arrives in Seville today, meaning the circumnavigation was not completed two days ago, but just now. This fact brought to you by this month's issue of "Well, Actually" magazine. 1593 - Hideyoshi's son, Toyotomi Hideyori, is born. "One day, son, all of Japan will be yours. My good friend Tokugawa here will see to it!" 1655 - Charles X Gustav of Sweden marches into Warsaw with a token force and takes it without a fight - the first foreign invader ever to capture the Polish capital. He is able to do this because he's been cutting such a brutal swath through Poland for the last few months that it makes the Blitzkrieg and Sherman's March to the Sea look like snowball fights. 1831 - William IV is crowned King of the United Kingdom, and also Hanover (which he already has been for months, but whatever), as they continue to rapidly run through all of George III's descendants. He'd better have a son quick or they're gonna lose that last bit. 1926 - Germany is admitted to the League of Nations. I direct you now to the TV Tropes entry for "Token Evil Teammate." 1946 - "Tsars? We don' need no stinking tsars." ~Bulgaria 1966 - Gene Roddenberry boldly goes where no TV show has gone before. 1978 - Iranian soldiers kill anywhere from 700 to 3000 protesters in Tehran, signalling to everyone savvy enough to pay attention that the Shah's days are numbered. The ominous name given to this event sort of loses its punch nowadays that we also use it to describe the mad rush for holiday discounts at Best Buy. 1991 - The Republic of Macedonia attains independence. Greece takes exception to their chosen name, and absolutely will not shut up about it for the next 27 years.

On September 6 in History: 1492 - Christopher Columbus sets out from the Canary Islands - the edge of the world until Asia, as far as anybody knows - into certain oblivion. Good riddance, I say. That guy was an idiot. 1522 - The aptly named Victoria returns to port in Spain, the last remaining ship of Magellan's voyage around the world. Not included: Magellan. 1566 - Death of Suleiman, Ottoman sultan. I feel bad for his successor. I mean, how do you follow a guy styled "The Magnificent" and not constantly feel like you're coming up short? 1620 - Pilgrims set sail on the Mayflower from Plymouth, England for a new settlement in North America, which they will call Plymouth. 1628 - Puritans settle the new town of Salem in the Massachusetts Bay area. Rule number one: No witches! 1847 - Henry Davit Thoreau gets tired of freeloading in his friend's cabin on Walden Pond and opts to freeload more directly, moving in with Ralph Waldo Emerson and family down the road. 1885 - Ottoman autonomous province Eastern Rumelia joins up with Bulgaria. The reunification is complete! They're still under the Ottomans, though. Womp womp. 1901 - U.S. president William McKinley is shot at the Pan-American Expo in Buffalo, NY by an anarchist he was trying to shake hands with who felt it was his duty. The specific event where it happened had been removed from the president's schedule twice by his secretary (who feared an assassination attempt might take place there), but the president insisted on attending. Incidentally, McKinley is the third president assassinated in 36 years, and the last not to have Secret Service protection. Fascinating. 1930 - Hipólito Yrigoyen, democratically elected president of Argentina, is deposed in a military coup. Take a shot! 1939 - South Africa declares war on Germany. You can see the appeal. 1958 - Jeff Foxworthy is born. Many people living under the false impression that they are not rednecks are about to learn otherwise. 1966 - South African prime minister Hendrik Frensch Verwoerd, the guy who made apartheid what it became, is stabbed to death in the House of Assembly in Cape Town. You can see the appeal. 1968 - Swaziland, so named as it is the "land of the Swazi people", gains full independence from the UK. It is known today as eSwatini, which in the Swazi language means "Swaziland". 1991 - Russian Parliament agrees to change the name of Leningrad to St. Petersburg. The old name was a little too Communist. 1995 - Baltimore Orioles shortstop Cal Ripken, Jr. sets a record and goes down in history for showing up to work 2,131 times in a row. 1998 - Korusawa Akira dies, and a piece of cinema history dies with him. Several witnesses to the event give vastly different accounts of how it took place. 2019 - Longtime Zimbabwean strongman president Robert Mugabe dies. Depending on whether they thought he was a brutal dictator or a nationalist hero, people have mixed reactions to this.

On September 2 in History: 44 BCE - Cleopatra VII makes her son by Julius Caesar, known as Caesarion, co-Pharaoh. He's three years old. That tracks with Egypt's history, actually. Long may they both reign. 31 BCE - Octavian defeats the forces of Cleopatra (you remember, from before?) and Mark Antony at the Battle of Actium off the west coast of Greece. This one battle pretty much decides the fate of Europe for the next 2,000 years. Oh, and he'll be wanting a new name soon. 1192 - Saladin and Richard Lionheart agree to disagree in the Treaty of Jaffa, effectively ending the Third Crusade. I'm sure this has absolutely nothing to do with Richard needing to go home because England is falling apart without him. 1666 - London baker Thomas Farriner of Pudding Lane accidentally leaves the oven on. 1807 - The British Royal Navy bombards Copenhagen and steals their fleet so that Napoleon can't have it. The strategy of "Attack everyone before Napoleon does" seems to be working well for them. 1862 - Against his better judgement, Abraham Lincoln reinstates George B. McClellan as commander of the Union Army. He will come to regret this, as will the Union Army. 1864 - Union forces under Gen. William Tecumseh Sherman enter the city of Atlanta. "Any of you guys ever heard of Thomas Farriner?" 1870 - Emperor Napoleon III and up to 100,000 of his troops are captured by the Prussians at the Battle of Sedan. Rather than give up, France will decide to just make a new government without a monarch and keep fighting without him. And this time, they mean it. 1901 - At the Minnesota State Fair, U.S. Vice President Theodore Roosevelt softly speaks about his big stick. 1935 - The Labor Day Hurricane is the first category 5 Atlantic storm to make landfall in the continental U.S., and has the strongest sustained winds of any such hurricane ever until the one that's happening right now. 1939 - The Third Reich, re: the Free City of Danzig: "Yoink." 1945 - The Japanese officially surrender on board the USS Missouri, ending WWII. "Just please don't drop any more extinction balls on us." 1963 - CBS Evening News is the first weeknight news program in America to extend its run time from fifteen to thirty minutes. Thirty minutes? What could they possibly have to talk about that can fill thirty minutes? 1973 - J. R. R. Tolkien sails into the west. 1990 - While everyone else is trying to get out of the Soviet Union, Transnistria is trying to get in. Too bad for them, Gorbachev says no.

On September 1 in History: 1420 - A massive, nine point something earthquake rocks the hell out of Chile, causing Tsunamis as far away as a very confused Japan. This also happens to be right around the time when future Inca emperor Pachacuti ("Earthshaker") would have been learning to walk. Coincidence? I think not! 1449 - Mongol leader Esen captures the Ming emperor in a severely lopsided battle he had no business winning. He will fail to capitalize on this in any way. 1532 - Henry VIII makes his fiancée Anne Boleyn the Marquess of Pembroke. She is the first woman ever granted a hereditary peerage. She might be in line for even more boons from the smitten king as long as she keeps her head and doesn't do anything unbecoming. 1604 - It's been 135 years, but Sikhism finally has a sacred text. Historically speaking, that's not bad. 1715 - Louis XIV dies after 72 years. That's the longest (verifiable) reign of anyone, ever. Only now France is fucked because he played everything really close to the chest, and nobody in a position to run the country (including his own successor) remembers what things were like before him, so consequently none of them have any idea what the fuck they're supposed to be doing. 1873 - Cetshwayo becomes king of the Zulu. This will never happen to anyone again. 1905 - Alberta and Saskatchewan become full on Canadian provinces. With lazily drawn straight line borders, they're not off to an auspicious start, though Saskatchewan's leaders claim it is destined to be the most powerful province in the country. Aw, how cute. 1914 - St. Petersburg changes its name to Petrograd. The old name was just too German. 1914 again - The passenger pigeon goes extinct, the last one being a resident of the Cincinnati Zoo named Martha. Her spirit will live on forever in Batman v. Superman memes. 1928 - Current president and former prime minister of Albania Ahmet Muhtar Zogolli decides he's king now, and takes the name Zog I. Okay. 1939 - Germans, in Poland: "Surprise, motherfuckers!" Rest of Europe (except Slovakia, who's helping them): "GASP!" 1939 again - Hitler, again: "Good job on that Poland thing, guys. But hey, here's something else. I was thinking we could systematically murder everyone who's disabled or mentally ill. Maybe we can expand outwards later; let's see how it goes." 1952 - Ernest Hemingway publishes a book about an old man who goes to sea. That...that's it. That's the whole book. 1961 - Eritrea begins their war for independence from Ethiopia with the shooting of an Ethiopian police officer. The UK is just relieved they're not involved for once. 1982 - Founding of the U.S. Air Force Space Command. Somebody tell Donald Trump. 1991 - Uzbekistan declares independence from the Soviet Union. They're trying to get out ahead of things in case somebody decides it should be done in alphabetical order. 1996 - Zendaya is born. Contrary to popular belief, her parents did remember to give her a last name; it's just boring. 1997 - Jungkook is born. I neither know nor care who that is, though I assume he must be a member of BTS because Twitter won't shut up about him.

Hey, this one is actually today! On August 31 in History: 12 - Future emperor Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus is born. Aww, look at him in his wee little boots! 161 - Commodus, the second most well-known crazy emperor after the above, is born. Talk about your creepy coincidences. 1314 - Haakon V moves the capital of Norway from Bergen to Oslo. This doesn't really affect anybody save perhaps the residents of Bergen and Oslo, but it happened so I'm telling you about it. 1422 - Henry V, perhaps England's most successful king since Henry II if not ever, having recently secured succession rights to the French throne after 80 years of war, dies of dysentery while on campaign, leaving his infant son to inherit both thrones. You had one job, dude. 1795 - The British seize Sri Lanka (it isn't called that yet) from the Dutch, because they don't want France to get it. Seems legit. 1888 - A woman named Mary Ann Nichols is murdered in the Whitechapel district of London's East End. Worry not; London's finest are on the case; they'll catch the blighter before you can say Bob's your uncle. 1895 - Ferdinand von Zeppelin patents a balloon you can steer, as if anyone would ever have use for such a thing. Can you imagine? Traipsing about in a balloon? Oh, the humanity! 1939 - The German Gleiwitz radio station is attacked by a group of soldiers singing, “We’re so Polish! You wouldn’t believe how Polish we are, oh boy!” Dang, guess we'll have to go to war with Poland now. 1957 - Malaya (haven't added the "si" yet) gains independence from the U.K. I've literally run out of jokes for this scenario. 1962 - Trinidad and Tobago gain independence from the U.K. too. Didn't you hear me? No more jokes! Bingo, shots, "beat the rush", I've done them all! There's nothing left! Nothing, I tell you! Just leave me in peace! 1991 - Kyrgyzstan declares independence from the Soviet Union. There's a lot of that going around this year. 1993 - Russia finishes its troop withdrawal from Lithuania. Better late than never. 1994 - Russia finishes its troop withdrawal from Estonia. Hey, what the hell? 1997 – The death of Diana of Wales brings public opinion of paparazzi to an all-time low. The public show their distaste by giving said paparazzi all of their money. 2006 - Edvard Munch's painting "The Scream" is recovered by Norwegian police after being stolen almost exactly two years ago. Poor thing was so terrified it...well, you know. 2016 – Brazilian president Dilma Rousseff is the world’s first female democratically elected head of state to be legally removed from office. Breakin’ that glass ceiling one crack at a time!

Back on schedule after this! On August 29 in History: 1009 - The great new cathedral at Mainz is inaugurated. And also suffers severe damage from a fire. Whoopsie. 1475 - The Treaty of Picquigny between Louis XI of France and Edward VI of England ends the latter's brief invasion attempt to claim the French throne. "Yes, let's not start that up again." 1526 - The Battle of Mohács changes everything. The Magnificent Suleiman defeats the Hungarian army, killing their king in the process. His dynasty destroyed, all his claims in Hungary and Bohemia transfer to those pesky Habsburgs, who divide up Hungary with the Ottomans, leaving the "independent" principality of Transylvania with the parts they don't want. On the bright side, they get to be a proxy battlefield between the Turks and the Austrians for the next two hundred years or so. Yay! 1533 - Death of Atahualpa, the last true Inca Emperor. Dammit Spain, this is why we can't have nice things. 1541 - Just to grind the Hungarian's faces in the dirt a little more, the Ottomans capture Buda. Man, now you're just being mean. 1756 - Frederick the Great of Prussia attacks Saxony in a preemptive strike. A nice preview of World War One is about to play out over the next seven years. 1842 - The Treaty of Nanking ends the first Opium War. Britain and the Western powers may think they came out on top, but the thing you have to understand about China is that they play the long game. 1871 - Japanese emperor Meiji orders the end of the Han system (i.e. feudalism) in favor of prefectures under a central authority. And by "Emperor Meiji", I mean "The group of reformist oligarchs pulling the strings". 1898 - It's a Good Year to form a tire company. 1910 - Japan annexes Korea. It is predicted that Koreans will easily assimilate into Japanese imperial society. 1911 - Ishi, a native of the Yahi tribe in California who has been living in isolation in the wilderness, makes contact with modern Americans for the first time. His name isn't actually Ishi; we don't know what it is because in Yahi culture, one does not speak one's own name, but rather relies on others to make introductions. There are no more Yahi. 1915 - Birth of Ingrid Bergman. Wait for it... 1941 - The occupying Soviet forces in the Estonian capital of Tallinn are forced out by occupying Nazi forces. Yaaaay. 1943 - Occupied Denmark scuttles its own navy rather than let Germany have it. Resistance level: Master. 1982 - Death of Ingrid Bergman. Shouldn't have opened that birthday present from Hitchcock. Haha, no, I'm kidding, it was cancer. 1986 - Birth of Isayama Hajime, whose work, Shingeki no Kyoujin (Attack on Titan), will make George R.R. Martin look like a sissy who's too nice to his characters, is born. Hide your children. 1997 - A new company called Netflix creates a DVD-by-mail rental service. I suppose there might be a niche for that sort of thing. Don't sell your Blockbuster stock, though. 2005 - The popularity of the name Katrina takes a hard nose dive in the United States. 2016 - Gene Wilder passes on into a world of pure imagination.

I originally posted this on Facebook, where I do have a German friend, but only one. So my prediction would still likely hold.

Nothing really to say, other than I'm happy for you. Self-discovery isn't easy, but it's often personally rewarding.

Since I've already done today, it's a chance to make up some lost ground. On August 28 in History: 388 - Death of Magnus Maxiumus, who had the manliest name of all Roman emperors - but only because Titus Manlius Imperiosus Torquatus was only ever a dictator, never an emperor. 489 - King Odoacer of Italy, the successor state to the Western Roman Empire, is attacked and defeated by Theodoric the Great of the Ostrogoths at the Battle of Isonzo. Looks like Italy will be changing hands again soon. Get used to it; this will probably happen a lot. 632 - Death of Fatimah, daughter of You-Know-Who (peace be upon him). Maybe? This is a matter of some contention. 683 - Death of Kʼinich Janaabʼ Pakal, also known as Pakal the Great, king of Bàakʼ (Palenque). He ruled for 68 years. Take that, Liz. In fact, take that everybody. His record won't be beaten until Louis XIV over a thousand years later. Aside from said Sun King, only Thailand's Rama IX (recently deceased) and Liechtenstein's Johan II can claim longer. Not too shabby. 867 - Death of Louis the German, a Frankish king. Of Germany. Which is called East Frankia. It makes sense in context. 1521 - The oncoming Ottoman wave swallows Belgrade. There's just no stopping them, I tell you. Better start studying Turkish. 1524 - The Kaqchikel Maya, erstwhile allies of the Spanish in their conquest of Guatemala, have a change of heart. A priest foretells that their gods will destroy the Spanish, so they abandon their city to hide in the forest and await the cataclysm. Guess what happens. 1565 - Pedro Menéndez de Avilés founds St. Augustine. In what will become the continental United States, Europeans are now officially here to stay. 1609 - Henry Hudson discovers Delaware Bay. "Shall we name it after you, Captain?" "No, I think I'm going to hold off on that. I've got a feeling..." 1749 - Birth of Johann Wolfgang von Goethe. Everyone who reads this will pronounce his name differently in their head. 1789 - William Herschel discovers a new moon of Saturn. His son John will later use it as an opportunity to show off just how much mythology he knows by naming it Enceladus. 1862 - The Second Battle of Bull Run takes place. The first one drew such a crowd, you just knew there had to be a sequel. 1867 - The United States takes possession of a small atoll in the middle of the Pacific, simply called "Midway". Why bother? It's not like anything important is ever going to happen way out here. 1898 - In perhaps one of the most well-advised branding decisions of all time, Caleb Bradham renames his new beverage product from "Brad's Drink" to "Pepsi-Cola". 1916 - Germany declares war on Romania in response to their declaration on Austria-Hungary yesterday, while Italy declares war on Germany, presumably for the lulz. 1955 - Black teenager Emmet Till is brutally murdered in Mississippi. For some reason, THIS time sparks national outrage, and the civil rights movement really starts to take off. Better late than never? 1957 - U.S. Senator Strom Thurmond hates black people so much that he begins speaking and does not shut up for over 24 hours in an attempt to forestall them getting civil rights. 1963 - Martin Luther King Jr. tells his friends about this crazy dream he had last night. I'm assuming that's right; I'm just looking at headlines here. 1968 - The police at a protest rally in Chicago related to the Democratic National Convention get a little rowdy. 1990 - Iraq: "Kuwait is part of us now." Not consulted: Kuwait. 2014 - In the worst presidential scandal in American history, Barack Obama wears a tan suit. The repercussions are still being felt to this day.

A bit more back-posting. On August 27 in History: 410 - The Visigoths have sacked Rome so hard for three days that they're they're too tired to do it anymore. It's like when you force yourself to eat a ninth helping because it's Thanksgiving and then someone offers you a tenth, only with looting and pillaging. 1172 - Henry the Young King is crowned "Junior King" of England. That and a couple of farthings will get you a short black coffee at Ye Olde Bucking Star, but long may he reign, I guess. 1793 - The French city of Toulon revolts against the Revolution and invites English and Spanish ships into its port. I have a bad feeling about this. 1813 - Napoleon wins a stunning victory against a superior force of Austrians, Russians, and Prussians at the Battle of Dresden. This could end up bringing the war to a close. Too bad that embarrassing clusterfuck yesterday kind of cancels out the whole thing. 1828 - Brazil and Argentina concede that Uruguay exists. 1832 - Sauk chief Black Hawk surrenders to U.S. forces, ending a war he didn't start but will be named after him because guess who writes the history books? 1883 - Krakatoa explodes four times, destroying more than half the island it sits on. The largest explosion can be heard in Perth, Australia, over 3,000 miles away. The resulting ash and dust cloud will affect the climate for several years, not to mention the nearly 50m high tsunamis. The shockwave will travel around the globe at least 3 and a half times, causing larger than average waves as far away as the English Channel. This explosion is 4x that of the most powerful thermonuclear bomb ever detonated, or roughly equivalent to the fan reaction of Sony taking Spider-man out of the MCU. 1896 - The entirety of the Anglo-Zanzibar war takes place. Beginning with the first shots at 9:02 AM and concluding a scant 38 minutes later, it remains the shortest war in recorded history. Don't feel bad, Sultan Khalid, it happens to everyone occasionally. 1908 - Future U.S. president Lyndon B. Johnson, a.k.a. El BJ, is born. On this same day he begins his well-known tactic of making people watch him poop. 1916 - Romania stops being coy and declares war officially on Austria-Hungary, because why not? 1939 - First flight of the first jet aircraft, the Heinkel He 178. Now, if Germany plays its cards right and builds a nice big stockpile of these before declaring war on anybody, they'll have the whole thing in the bag. 1964 - Nguyễn Khánh, a South Vietnamese junta leader, joins a triumvirate with two former rival generals, Trần Thiện Khiêm and Dương Văn Minh, both of whom had been involved in plots against him. Good thing there's no historical precedent or anything that could point to this being a bad idea. 1975 - Death of Haile Selassie, penultimate Ethiopian emperor and most recent person to have a religion built up around him. Unless you count the guys from BTS. 1991 - The earlier declarations of independence from the USSR of Lithuania, Latvia, and Estonia are recognized by the European community. Moldova decides it wants some of that, too.

My vacation has - understandably, I feel - thrown off my schedule a bit. I have a little time today to catch up a little. On August 26 in History: 1071 - The Byzantines are defeated by the Seljuqs at the Battle of Manzikert, and have their emperor taken captive as well. There goes the neighborhood. And by neighborhood, I mean Anatolia. 1278 - Bohemian king Ottokar II is defeated and killed in the all-cavalry affair of the Battle on the Marchfield against German king Rudolf I and his ally Ladislaus IV of Hungary. Bohemian territory is forever reduced to Bohemia itself and Moravia, while Rudolf, from a tiny little house called Habsburg, sets up a new base for himself in Austria. We'll see if he can hold on to it. 1346 - French knights are confident as they prepare to charge down a laughably inferior English force who barely even have any cavalry at all at the Battle of Crécy. Fortunately for the English, they do have a lot of arrows. 1813 - The Battle of the Katzbach, one of the largest of the Napoleonic Wars involving over 200,000 troops, takes place entirely by accident when a French army stumbles into a Prussian/Russian force after crossing river in a storm. Whoopsie. 1883 - Krakatoa, which has been teasing something for months, really starts losing its shit. 1920 - Women are officially allowed to vote in the U.S. now. And not a moment too soon! There's a womanizing cad running for president! 1930 - Death of Lon Chaney. The funeral will be delayed due to the time required to cast 1,000 death masks. 2018 - The curtain closes on the life of Neil Simon. Let us honor his life by continuing to adapt his work into cash-grabbing, chiché-ridden sitcoms.

On August 21 in History: 1192 - Minamoto no Yoritomo gains the title of Shōgun, basically a field marshal. If a field marshal ran the government and could even tell the emperor what to do. 1680 - Pueblo forces capture Santa Fe, essentially completing the expulsion of Spanish presence from New Mexico. Now, as long as they don't extend the "get rid of anything Spanish" policy to things like food crops, livestock, and useful technology, this should go well for them. 1770 - James Cook names eastern Australia "New South Wales", because never have two places looked more alike, and also because fuck North Wales. 1772 - Gustav III of Sweden completes a coup of his own government with a new constitution, snatching back a bunch of power from parliamentary hands. It's all right, though; he's enlightened. 1791 - A Vodou ceremony turns into a slave revolt, which will turn into the Haitian revolution. Well that escalated quickly. 1858 - Well-known and popular Illinois senator Stephen Douglas debates some lanky new guy named Lincoln from that laughable new party. 1911 - Vincenzo Peruggia, an employee at the Louvre, steals the Mona Lisa with the plan of returning it to Italy where it "belongs". This has the interesting side effect of making the painting one of the most famous in the world, which made no difference to his friend who sold copies of it, I'm sure. 1986 - Birth of Usain Bolt, one of the best contemporary examples of nominal determinism. 1991 - Latvia to the USSR: "We out, too." 2017 - A solar eclipse traverses the continental United States. Their stable genius president gazes directly into it on national television.

On August 19 in History: 43 BCE - Octavian to the Roman Senate: "Make me consul." The Senate: "We're not sure that's a good idea." Octavian: "Do it." Senate: "Well, okay, when you put it like that..." 14 - Death of Augustus (that guy from above). Fortunately, he has left in place a new system which will lead Rome with a firm, guiding hand for at least, oh, three or four generations. 1561 - At 18, Mary, Queen of Scots actually returns to Scotland, after spending all but the first five years of her life in France. The theory is that being present within a country makes it easier to rule. Crazy, right? 1612 - Three women in Samlesbury, Lancashire go on trial for being witches after being accused by a 14 year old girl named, I shit you not, Grace Sowerbutts. 1692 - One woman and four men are executed for witchcraft in Salem, Massachusetts. Talk about your sour butts. 1745 - Bonnie Prince Charlie Stuart says he should be king of Scotland and starts a rebellion. For some reason, the king of England disagrees. 1944 - Paris is once more free to be rude to anyone who visits. 1953 - MI6 and the CIA instigate a coup against the legitimate and democratically elected government of Mohammad Mosaddegh in Iran and reinstate the Shah. They will come to regret this. 1977 - Groucho Marx dies attempting to live forever. 2010 - The last U.S. combat troops leave Iraq. Nothing bad will ever happen there again.