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      Welcome!   03/05/2016

      Welcome, everyone, to the new 910CMX Community Forums. I'm still working on getting them running, so things may change.  If you're a 910 Comic creator and need your forum recreated, let me know and I'll get on it right away.  I'll do my best to make this new place as fun as the last one!

Illjwamh

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Illjwamh last won the day on July 8

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About Illjwamh

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  1. This Day In History

    On December 15 in History: 37 - Agrippina the Younger gives birth to future emperor Nero. She will come to regret this. 1025 - After 63 years as co-emperor to his father, his step-father, his uncle, and finally his older brother, Constantine VIII becomes sole Byzantine Emperor. His most defining characteristic is not giving a shit. He's getting on in years, so he hasn't got much time left to completely tank Byzantium's economic, diplomatic, and military standing. 1467 - At the Battle of Baia, which will end in his defeat and the end of his attempts to subdue Moldavia, Hungarian king Matthias Corvinus is shot in the back by not one, not two, but three arrows. His knights manage to carry him away before the battle becomes a full-on slapstick routine. 1791 - The U.S. Bill of Rights becomes law upon being ratified by the state of Virginia. They were so in a hurry to pass these first ten amendments that they were not overly careful or specific about the wording. Oh well, I'm sure it'll be fine. 1890 - Lakota leader Tȟatȟáŋka Íyotake, also known as Sitting Bull, is killed during a botched arrest for the terrible crime of maybe, possibly, considering joining a new religious movement, we think. 1917 - Russia, re: The Great War: "We're out." 1960 - Richard Pavlick is arrested for plotting to assassinate presidential candidate John F. Kennedy. Wow, dodged a bullet there! Can you imagine, Kennedy assassinated? 1966 - Death of Walt Disney. OR SO THEY SAY. 1973 - Being gay is no longer considered a psychiatric disorder, according to American psychiatrists. In other news, having freckles is no longer considered a skin condition. 1978 - Thanks to Jimmy Carter, "China" gets a lot bigger all of a sudden. 2001 - The Leaning Tower of Pisa reopens after $27,000,000 had been spent over 11 years to stabilize it. They must have eventually just given up, because it's still leaning.
  2. This Day In History

    The modern understanding of the word "romance" is fairly recent. It used to mean something different, much closer to the modern meanings of epic or adventure.
  3. This Day In History

    On December 12 in History: 627 - A Byzantine victory over the Sassanid Persians at the Battle of Nineveh re-tilts the regional balance of power toward Constantinople. Nothing short of an emerging new religion sweeping through the region and conquering everything in its path will unseat them now, but what are the odds of that happening? 1098 - In the First Crusade, the Siege of Ma'arrat al-Numan comes to an end, and the invading crusaders murder approximately 20,000 of the city's Muslim inhabitants, and then eat them. For Jesus! 1298 - Duke Albert II of Austria is born. 1418 - ARCHduke Albert IV of Austria is born. Haha, suck it! 1787 - Pennsylvania ratifies the U.S. Constitution. Their delegate excitedly delivers a message with just one word: "First!" He is embarrassed to find Delaware has already come and gone. 1863 - Edvard Munch is born screaming. 1915 - The first president of the Republic of China, Yuan Shikai, decides he would rather be emperor. Nobody saw this coming. 1941 - Britain declares war on Bulgaria, Hungary and Romania declare war on the U.S., India declares war on Japan, and Hitler declares that all Jews will soon die. Was there something in the water? 1963 - Kenya becomes independent from the UK. Wait for it... 1964 - Prime Minister Jomo Kenyatta becomes Kenya's first president. And you thought our elections took forever. 2000 - The U.S. Supreme Court decides that counting once is enough. It's like my dad always taught me: "Measure twice cut once, unless the first measurement was what you wanted and you don't want to risk it changing." 2015 - The Paris Agreement on climate change is adopted. Every nation on Earth is involved, even North Korea. They are all required to come up with their own rules for what they think they should do, and enforcement is based on the honor system. Not even a narcissistic idiot could find that too constricting. 2017 - Doug Jones of Alabama defeats a pedophile in a special election for senator, and this is treated as a major accomplishment.
  4. This Day In History

    This one's vintage. Made it five years ago. On December 11 in History: 220 - The Three Kingdoms period begins in China. Westerners will only learn of this centuries later via video games. 361 - Julian enters Constantinople as the sole emperor of Rome. "Oh by the way, that whole Christian thing? Yeah, we're not doing that anymore." 630 - Muhammad conquers Mecca with an army of 10,000. Total casualties (on both sides) amount to 14 dead. There is nothing funny I can say that will make that sound any more insane than it already does. 1241 - The death of Ögedei Khan and the need to return to Karakorum to choose a successor is the only reason all Europeans aren't speaking Mongolian. 1282 - The last native Prince of Wales, the appropriately titled Llywelyn the Last, is killed. Welsh heralds will later decide in hindsight they should have gone with their other idea, Llywelyn the Prolifically-Reproducing English-Killer. 1688 - James II of England, while fleeing to France from the Glorious Revolution, throws his Great Seal of the Realm into the Thames, apparently under the assumption that government could not function without it. William and Mary counter his diabolically clever scheme through the ingenious and expedient measure of making a new one. 1792 - French King Louis XVI is put on trial for treason. Despite several attempts to pardon himself, no one is buying it. 1830 - Birth of Kamehameha V of Hawaii, the king whose fame as a ki-based fighting technique will long outlive his accomplishments as a ruler. 1868 - The Battle of Avay in the Paraguayan War leads to Paraguayan defeat at the hands of Brazilian forces. High school students around the world remain astonished to this day upon learning the Paraguayan War was a thing. 1872 - Death of Kamehameha V. Too bad he didn't make his birthday wish on the Dragonballs. 1917 - British General Edmund Allenby enters Jerusalem and declares martial law, because it just wouldn't be a global war without someone invading Jerusalem. 1931 - The Statute of Westminster establishes legislative equality between Great Britain and the autonomous dominions of the Commonwealth. "Wot wot, let them do as they like, as long as we don't start seeing flags with bloody leaves on them or some such nonsense." 1936 - King Edward VIII abdicates in order to keep boning some American chick, paving the way for his brother George VI's coronation three days later. Several Academy Award statuettes are prepared in advance. 1941 - Germany and Italy declare war on the United States, increasing the scope of World War II. For both countries, this is their second-dumbest move of the conflict. For Germany, it is only beaten by Operation Barbarossa, and for Italy, it is trumped only by the decision to be in the war in the first place. 1941 again - Poland declares war on Japan. Then or now, no one considers this relevant. 1972 - The astronauts of Apollo 17 are the last humans to set foot on the moon. Apparently the infinite possibilities of exploring worlds beyond our own just got boring, or something. 2008 - Bernie Madoff is arrested on charges of running a $50 billion dollar Ponzi scheme. When polled regarding whether white collar crimes should be punished as severely as violent crimes, over 50 million Americans are quoted as saying, "Fuck that guy."
  5. This Day In History

    On December 10 in History: 220 - The Han dynasty finally comes to an end after more than 400 years with the abdication of Emperor Xian. But does it really? The Chinese people, writing system, ethnicity, and national identity still take their names from it. Lol, imagine if we still called ourselves Romans and named stuff in Latin. 1317 - King Birger of Sweden invites his brothers, dukes Valdemar and Eric, to a Christmas banquet. It is meant as reconciliation for the brothers' coup attempt several years prior. The dukes' retinues are put up in the nearby town of Nyköping due to space concerns. This allows the king to easily arrest his brothers and throw them in a dungeon where they will later starve, then easily round up their men. The more you learn about history, the more you start to think George R.R. Martin is just lazy. 1508 - The Pope, the Holy Roman Emperor, and the kings of France and Aragon team up to curb the influence of Venice. The Pope will later decide he hates the king of France more, and will team up with Venice to fight him. Seven years of fighting will result in everything going back to the way it was. Fun! 1541 - Two men, Thomas Culpeper and Francis Dareham, are executed by Henry VIII of England. Culpeper for allegedly having an affair with the queen, Catherine Howard, and Dareham for *definitely* having an affair with her, but before she was queen. This is wife number 5 we're talking about; Henry is through fucking around, if you'll pardon the pun. 1768 - The Encyclopedia Britannica is first published. A collection of general knowledge from around the world, it spans three whole volumes! Imagine! 1799 - France adopts the meter - excuse me, the metre - as its official unit of length. If you're wondering why Britain won't for the next 150 years or so, this is why. 1830 - Emily Dickinson is born. She dislikes the experience so much that she never goes outside again. 1868 - The world's first traffic light is installed outside the Palace of Westminster. Using semaphore arms and illuminated at night by red and green gas lamps, it is perhaps most impressive in that the first car will not exist for another 17 years. 1884 - The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is published. More even than being a literary masterpiece, its most important achievement will be forcing future generations to confront the uncomfortable realities of racism and slavery in the American south. Seriously, watch someone try to read this aloud in a diverse academic setting. It's hilarious. As long as it's not you. 1936 - Edward VIII officially signs away his claim to the British throne in order to marry Wallis Simpson. The power of boners is strong. 1963 - Zanzibar becomes a constitutional monarchy after the UK terminates its protectorate status. This new government is strong and will surely last for slightly more than a month. 1983 - The military junta ends in Argentina with the inauguration of Raúl Alfonsín as president. This means Argentinian democracy is younger than I am; I know I'd be wary trusting national government to a 35 year-0ld. 1984 - The United Nations agree that torture is bad, and we should not do it.
  6. This Day In History

    A date which will live in infamy. On December 7 in History: 43 BCE - Marcus Tullius Cicero ("Tully") is assassinated. That's really going around. 574 - Emperor Justin II abdicates the throne in favor of one of his generals, Tiberius. Given that he suffers frequent bouts of insanity, and over the previous two years has lost vast swaths of land in Syria and Italy, nobody really minds. 1776 - Gilbert du Motier, also known as the Marquis de Lafayette, enters the fledgling American military as a major general. The Americans will never forget this, and the French will be grateful for it as well 141 years later. 1787 - Delaware is the first state to ratify the U.S. Constitution. This remains the only interesting thing anybody knows about Delaware. 1869 - Jesse James commits his first (confirmed) bank robbery. It is neither the beginning nor the end of America's weird penchant for making folk heroes out of its violent criminals. 1917 - Figuring that since they're already over there fighting Germany anyway, (you're welcome, Lafayette), the United States declares war on Austria-Hungary too. 1930 - America's first television commercial is broadcast in Boston, MA. The degradation of our culture has continued uninterrupted ever since. 1941 - In an attack meant to immediately follow a formal declaration of war (but actually preceding it by three hours), the Japanese Imperial Navy launches a surprise assault on the U.S. naval base at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. The intention is to preemptively knock the United States out of the Pacific War. Upon later reflection, the plan is considered by many to have been ill-conceived. 1949 - The government of the Republic of China moves to Taipei in Taiwan. To many westerners, China gets really small all of a sudden. 1965 - The Pope and the Ecumenical Patriarch simultaneously un-excommunicate each other (and by extension their offices), retroactively freeing each others' predecessors from the pits of Hell where they'd all apparently been going since 1054. Nice of them. 1988 - Yasser Arafat recognizes Israel's right to exist. Everything in the region is sunshine and rainbows from this point on. 2017 - Australia decides same-sex marriages are fine. Everything is actual, non-sarcastic rainbows.
  7. This Day In History

    On December 5 in History: 63 BCE - Cicero publicly trashes Catiline for the fourth and final time. He's not allowed to voice his opinion on sentencing, but nobody unable to subtly hint at execution without outright saying it could ever be made Roman consul. 1492 - Christopher Columbus becomes the first European to set foot on the island of Hispaniola. If the natives there had been more like the North Sentinalese, history would be very different. 1496 - Under pressure from Ferdinand and Isabella of Spain, King Manuel I of Portugal issues a decree for the expulsion of all heretics from his realm so he can marry their daughter. And by "heretics", he of course means Jews. The power of boners is strong. 1782 - Future 8th U.S. president Martin van Buren is born an American citizen, the first president to be so. Don't worry, this doesn't mean the first seven don't count. 1875 - Sir Arthur Currie is born in Napperton, Ontario. Bet you didn't know one of the greatest generals of WWI was Canadian, did you? Unless you're Canadian. Then you probably knew. 1901 - Eventual overlord of all things the light touches, Walter Elias Disney, is born. 1933 - The U.S. government decides that asking people to endure the Great Depression without alcohol is unreasonable, and amends the Constitution accordingly. 1955 - Black people in Montgomery, Alabama stop taking the bus. White city authorities are outraged by their audacity. 2004 - Same-sex couples in the U.K. can legally and officially have equal rights and privileges as married couples, just separate from marriage and called something else. Same difference, right? 2013 - Death of Nelson Mandela. Even the vuvuzelas fall silent this day.
  8. This Day In History

    On November 30 in History: 977 - Holy Roman Emperor Otto II gives up on trying to take Paris and starts to go home. Germans vow they will return to take France someday. Someday! 1016 - Death of Edmund Ironside. He is tragically stabbed in his other side. 1667 - Jonathan Swift is born. Fortunately, his family is well off enough that they do not need to eat him. 1718 - King Karl XII of Sweden dies during the Siege of Fredriksten in Norway. I refuse to call him Charles because he was from Sweden and his name was Karl. 1803 - In a dramatic reversal of previous policy, Spanish colonial authorities aim to PREVENT smallpox in their overseas territories, and set out with a bunch of vaccines. 1835 - Mark Twain is born, because he knows the secret of getting ahead is getting started. 1868 - A statue of Karl XII is inaugurated in Stockholm on the 150th anniversary of his death. I'd have gone for his birthday or his coronation day, but you do you, Sweden. 1872 - The first international football match takes place in Glasgow between England and Scotland. That's "international" with quotes and an asterisk. 1939 - Soviet forces invade Finland, but nobody else cares or helps because Stalin isn't Hitler. 1966 - Barbados gains its independence from the UK. 1967 - So does South Yemen. 1998 - Exxon and Mobil merge to form the world's largest corporation. Quoth the ghost of John D. Rockefeller: "Excellent."
  9. I’m alive.

    Holy crap. Glad to hear you're on the mend. Welcome back.
  10. This Day In History

    He can't. I have a copyright on that joke.
  11. This Day In History

    You might notice a theme in today's. On Nov. 25 in History: 571 BCE - Servius Tullius, the Etruscan king of Rome, celebrates the defeat of the Etruscans. Whatever. 1120 - The White Ship sinks in the English Channel, Henry I of England's heir William, along with dozens of other high profile nobility. This is a calamitous event for the English royal government. A shipwreck, if you will. 1343 - An earthquake creates a tsunami that completely wrecks both Naples and the Republic of Amalfi. 1491 - The Reconquista ends with the Treaty of Granada. Control of the emirate is to be relinquished in January to the Spanish crown, and in exchange the remaining Moors will be told to either convert or GTFO. What was that? I meant be given fair treatment and religious tolerance. Don't know where that other bit came from. Pay it no mind. 1510 - Portugal takes control of the Indian city of Goa, since that's just the thing to do these days. 1667 - An earthquake kills roughly 80,000 people in the Caucasus. 1759 - An earthquake in the Mediterranean destroys Beirut and Damascus, and kills between 30,000 and 40,000 people. 1833 - An earthquake in the vicinity of a 9.0 hits Sumatra, causing Tsunamis all over Indonesia. 1839 - A huge cyclone hits southeast India. A 40 foot storm surge destroys the port city of Coringa (never fully rebuilt). An estimated 20,000 ships and 300,000 human lives are lost. 1905 - Prince Carl of Denmark arrives in Norway to become king. He changes his name to Haakon VII in an attempt to sound more Norwegian. This will end several centuries of Norway being ruled by either Swedes or Danes. Wait... 1926 - The deadliest (in November) tornado outbreak in U.S. history kills 76 people. Hundreds more are injured. No witches are known to be involved. 1936 - Germany and Japan sign a treaty for mutual self defense in the event of Soviet aggression. This ought to dissuade anyone from opening outright hostilities. Wouldn't want a repeat of twenty years ago, right? 1950 - The "Great Appalachian Storm" smashes through 22 states, kills 353 people, injures a bunch more, and causes tens of millions of dollars in damage. That's 1950 tens of millions. 1963 - John F. Kennedy and Lee Harvey Oswald are buried on the same day. This just feels weird somehow. 1975 - Suriname gains independence from the Netherlands. Just wanna get a few cameos out there. 1986 - U.S. Attorney General Edwin Meese: "Oh by the way, we've been selling weapons to Iran in order to fund Nicaraguan rebels." 1987 - Typhoon crashes into the Philippines with 165 mph winds, wiping whole villages off the map and killing at least 1,000 people, possibly more. 1992 - Czechoslovakia votes to undergo mitosis. 1996 - An Ice storm rips through the central U.S., killing 26 people, while a non-hurricane windstorm wreaks havoc in Florida. 1999 - Five year-old Elian Gonzales is rescued by fishermen off the Florida coast. What a delightful display of humanity. 2000 - A 7.0 earthquake in the Azerbaijani capital of Baku, strongest in the region in over 150 years, somewhat mercifully kills a mere 26 people. 2008 - Cyclone Nisha hits Sri Lanka. It only kills 15 people. Hooray? Hold on: 90,000 are left without a home to return to, and they get the most rain they've gotten in 90 years. 2009 - Freak rains again, this time in Jeddah, just in time for the Hajj Pilgrimage. 3,000 cars are swept away, 122 people are confirmed dead with at least 300 more missing. Jesus, Nature, what the hell?
  12. This Day In History

    On November 24 in History: 1642 - Abel Tasman discovers an island south of Australia. The brown-noser actually names it Van Diemen's Land, after the Dutch East Indian governor-general. Fortunately, history realizes that name is stupid and fixes it for him. 1784 - Future U.S. president Zachary Taylor is born amidst a cloud of cigar smoke. 1859 - Charles Darwin publishes perhaps his most famous work, "On The Origin of Species". Religious folk flip their shit - much like their simian cousins do on a regular basis. 1932 - The FBI Crime Lab opens. Had they known just how many stock TV shows this would one day launch, they might have reconsidered. 1941 - The U.S. extends Lend-Lease to the Free French forces. But they're still totally not involved in the conflict. No siree. 1963 = Lee Harvey Oswald becomes the first person to be murdered on live television. Jury selection for Jack Ruby's trial is a bitch. 1971 - D.B. Cooper parachutes out of an airplane with $200,000 over Washington State and is never seen again. Reports of well-off wildlife in the area are likely exaggerated. 1974 - On perhaps the best day it could possibly happen - rivaled only by Darwin's birthday - Donald Johanson and Tom Gray unearth the Australopithecus afarensis skeleton that will become known as "Lucy" in Ethiopia. 2015 - Google incorporates Lucy into their "Google Doodle" for the day. Certain religious folk flip their shit - much like Lucy probably did on occasion.
  13. This Day In History

    Missed a few days due to 16 hours in the air through various hemispheres, time zones, etc. Let's play catch up. On Nov. 23 in History: 534 BC - Thespis becomes the first actor to portray a character on stage. The first theatre critics also appear, and descriptions of Thespis's performance range from "wooden and unfeeling" to "he makes playing pretend like a child somehow look sophisticated". 1644 - John Milton publishes the pamphlet Areopagitica, criticizing the practice of censorship. At least it appears to; large portions of it are redacted so we may never know what he truly meant to say. 1863 - Battle of Chattanooga begins in the U.S. Civil War. Union reinforcements are late in coming due to the time it required to convince Grant's officers that it is a real place and not just some word he made up while drunk. 1889 - The first jukebox is set up in a saloon in San Francisco. Presumably it is inoperable until a local delinquent youth punches it. 1940 - By way of the Tripartite Pact, Romania officially joins the Axis Powers. Executives at the History Channel conspire to never talk about this ever. 1963 - The first episode of Dr. Who airs. This is a fixed point in time. 1992 - Miley Cyrus is born. Controversy surrounds the birth, as the future starlet is nude, wailing incomprehensibly, and can't seem to control her tongue or her limbs.
  14. This Day In History

    This is the first one I ever did, five years ago now. On Nov. 22 in History: 1307 - Clement V issues a Papal bull calling for the arrest of all Templars in Europe and the seizure of all their assets. 700 years later, this became a cornerstone of many a Hollywood movie plot. 1718 - Edward Teach, a.k.a. Blackbeard, is killed in battle with the Royal Navy off the coast of North Carolina. His will remain the most high profile death on this date for nearly 250 years. 1858 - Denver is founded, to the chagrin of future United Airlines passengers everywhere. 1928 - In Paris, Boléro by Maurice Ravel premiers. Despite being a 15 minute loop of the same melody with various instruments, everybody is too polite to say anything. 1943 – Lebanon gains independence from France, who are a little preoccupied at the moment. 1963 - Lee Harvey Oswald succeeds in his goal of becoming a household name. 1967 - UN Security Council Resolution 242 is adopted, with the aim of guiding negotiations for an Arab-Israeli peace agreement. Everything goes swimmingly and we haven't had to worry about the region since. 1968 – The Beatles release The Beatles. For reasons that may be obvious, it is commonly referred to as The White Album. Strom Thurmond is disappointed with his copy. 1975 - Juan Carlos is declared King of Spain following the death of Francisco Franco, and pulls one of history's most awesome and hilarious posthumous "f**k you"s. 37 years later, people cling to the vain hope that Kim Jong Un is a fan of his. 1995 - Toy Story is released, becoming the first full-length motion picture to be entirely computer animated. Michael Eisner loses control of his salivary glands. 2005 - Angela Merkel is the first woman elected Chancellor of Germany. She rests easy with the knowledge that nothing she can do will make her the worst one ever. 2012 - Hamas and Israel agree to a ceasefire in the Gaza strip after eight days of bloodshed. Ambassadors from both sides are quoted as saying, "We totally mean it this time, guys."