Illjwamh

On July 13 in History: 587 BCE - The Temple of Solomon is destroyed as Babylon completes its siege of Jerusalem. It is an indignity to the people of Israel the likes of which they will never see again, with several exceptions. 982 - Lombard princes Pandulf and Landulf (II and IV, respectively) are among the casualties at the Battle of Stilo, a giant clusterfuck during the Emir of Sicily Abu'l-Qasim's holy war against the Holy Roman Emperor, Otto II. The battle saw numerous other European nobles die as well, along with Abu'l-Qasim himself, whose death did not affect his troops' morale at all, as they continued slaughtering Germans and Italians alike, forcing Otto to swim to safety on a Greek merchant ship. Fun times. 1174 - King William the Lion of Scotland, in the process of helping Henry II of England's sons rebel against him (on the promise of receiving Northumberland), is captured at the Battle of Alnwick. Whoopsie. 1260 - Lithuanians beat the crap out of the Livonian and Teutonic orders at the Battle of Durbe. "For the last time, we don't want to Christian!" 1821 - Nathan Bedford Forrest is born. A future Confederate general, and first Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, his birthday is still officially celebrated by law in the state of Tennessee, oh Jesus Christ what the fuck. 1863 - A bunch of guys in New York City, upset about the prospect of being drafted into the army, start rioting. Ah, not to worry; I'm sure they'll tire themselves out pretty quickly. 1878 - The Treaty of Berlin establishes independence from Ottoman rule for Romania, Serbia, and Montenegro, but notably not Bulgaria. Not consulted: the Bulgarians. 1942 - Harrison Ford is born. You know, that guy from American Graffiti. 1977 - Somalia invades Ethiopia in a bid to stake their claim on the Ogaden region. They will come to regret this. 1985 - Tired of people going hungry in Ethiopia (and other places too, sure), Bob Geldof and Midge Ure throw a rock concert to help. Which works, actually. 2011 - Newborn country South Sudan is allowed to join the United Nations. Meanwhile, in Kosovo... 2016 - UK Prime Minister David Cameron resigns after accidentally dropping the country in the toilet, and deciding he doesn't want to have to reach in there and pull it out or be the one responsible for flushing it.

On July 12 in History: 100 BCE - A little tyke by the name of Gaius Julius Caesar is born. This is retroactively dated of course, since he's the one who'll design the calendar we use now. 927 - The kings of Scotland, Deheubarth, Bamburgh, and Cumbria accept King Æthelstan as their overlord. There will be peace in our time! 1394 - Future shogun Ashikaga Yoshinori is born. Wait for it... 1441 - Shogun Ashikaga Yoshinori is invited by the Akamatsu family, who were prominent daimyo at the time, to view a Noh play at their home on his birthday. They murder him there. They were dressed all in black so he didn't register their approach. 1543 - Henry VIII, perhaps thinking that sixth time's the charm, marries Catherine Parr, who herself is now on husband #3 (the other two died). I think they can make it work. 1562 - Diego de Landa, a Spanish bishop given control of the new diocese in the Yucatan, burns the sacred books of the Maya, earning him a spot on the list of history's greatest assholes. 1895 - Richard Buckminster Fuller is born. He will most commonly go by his middle name, because come on; wouldn't you? 1904 - Pablo Neruda is born, perhaps the most (only?) famous Chilean in history. 1920 - The Soviet Union signs a treaty with Lithuania, recognizing the latter's independence. "What's that sound?" "What?" "Were you...were you just chuckling?" "No, no not at all. Just had something caught in my throat. Don't worry about it." 1943 - In the Battle of Prokhorovka, one of the largest tank battles of all time, Soviet forces, despite suffering heavy losses themselves, manage to halt the German advance and seize the strategic initiative. And this is why anyone who says America won the war doesn't have any idea what they're talking about. 1962 - At a cheap little place in London called the Marquee Club, a band plays their first live gig. They're called the Rolling Stones. You probably haven't heard of them. 1971 - Kristi Yamaguchi is born with two club feet. That's too bad; it's really going to limit her prospects in life. 1979 - Kiribati attains independence from the UK. "Is that it? Is that all of them? Are we done now?" 1997 - Malala Yousafzai is born with a rare birth defect that does not allow her to take shit from anybody. That's too bad; it's really going to limit her prospects in life.

On July 9 in History: 1357 - HRE Charles IV helps lay the foundation stone of a great bridge crossing the Vltava in Prague. "I expect naming rights, you guys." 1540 - Henry VIII takes a mulligan on wife #4. "We can still be friends." 1609 - Bohemia is granted religious freedom by HRE Rudolf II. "Better be for real this time or we'll have to throw some more people out of windows." 1810 - Napoleon, re: Kingdom of Holland: "Yoink!" 1816 - The United Provinces of South America declare independence from Spain. If that name sounds too derivative, most of them can now be referred to as "Argentina." 1850 - U.S. president Zachary Taylor dies, most likely of food poisoning from raw fruit and iced milk. Okaaaay. Some people suggest he may have been poisoned, but that seems unlikely, as why would anyone want Millard Fillmore to be president? 1850 again - The Báb is executed in Tabriz on charges of blasphemy and apostasy. Because nothing ever happens when the establishment executes a popular figure preaching new ideas and regarded by his followers as a prophet. 1868 - The fourteenth amendment to the U.S. Constitution is ratified. Everyone born in the U.S. is now a citizen, and they all get due process of law. This seems like the sort of thing that should have been obvious from the start, but some people just need everything spelled out for them. 1896 - William Jennings Bryan argues against the gold standard in a speech that does not involve hyperbole at all. 2011 - South Sudan gains its independence. "Should we come up with a name for ourselves?" "No, this is fine."

On July 8 in History: 1497 - Portuguese explorer Vasco da Gama, having enough of the Ottomans' bullshit in blocking trade, sets out to sea. "I'll just find my own way to India, then." He wisely ignores Columbus's claims of having already done so. 1709 - Russian forces under Peter I defeat Charles XII's Swedes at the Battle of Poltava. Sweden will never be a great power again. Or perhaps they're just biding their time... 1716 - Sweden, now at war with Denmark-Norway (who got the memo that Sweden sucks now and declared war shortly after the above battle) is invading Norway with a fleet of 44 ships, when they are ambushed by 7 - that's not a typo - Danish-Norwegian ships and run aground at the Battle of Dynekilen. 30 of their ships are stolen and the invasion is called off. Damn, Sweden. When you fall, you fall hard. 1822 - Death of Percy Bysshe Shelley. Look on his works, ye mighty, and despair. 1853 - Matthew Perry arrives in Edo (now Tokyo) Bay with four ships, and a letter from the U.S. president "requesting" trade. 1947 - Crazy reports coming out of Roswell, New Mexico. Something about a spaceship, a lobster man, a one-eyed woman, and a foul-mouthed chain-smoking robot? 1948 - Raffi is born, to the delight of future children everywhere. 1958 - Kevin Bacon is born, giving him connections to everyone else on this list for the next time you're playing that game. 1994 - Kim Il-sung dies, and his son, Kim Jong-il, is quick to assure everyone that he will be taking over and are there any objections, no I didn't think so.

On July 7 in History: 1307 - Edward I of England dies. And there was much rejoicing. In Scotland. And also Wales. 1456 - In a retrial, Joan of Arc is acquitted of all charges of heresy. So I guess we can set her free now and...oh. Oh, whoops. 1520 - A huge Aztec army catches up with a diminished and exhausted group of Spaniards and allies at the plain of Otumba. Time to finish them off once and for all. Wait, why are those men riding horses at us? Are they going to fight us while riding giant animals? What the hell his happening??? 1575 - A minor skirmish over some stolen goods (and no shortage of insults) between English and Scottish lords and their men result in 2 dead Scotsmen and 25 dead Englishmen, along with 300 raided English cows, takes place on the border at Cheviot Pass near Redeswire. Afterwards, both sides apparently decide enough is enough after six centuries or so, and they never fight again. 1585 - Henry III of France signs the Treaty of Nemours to take control of the Catholic League, and French Protestants, who've been living in hard-fought peace and tolerance, discover that they'd forgotten to say "No take-backsies." 1807 - France, Russia, and Prussia agree to the Peace of Tilsit. France: 4, Coalitions: 0. 1898 - The U.S. annexes Hawaii. Not consulted: native Hawaiians. To no one's surprise. 1928 - Sliced bread is sold for the first time, in the town of Chillicothe, Missouri. It's the greatest thing since...since...since I don't even know. 1940 - Ringo Starr, at least the fourth most popular Beatle, is born. 1954 - A guy named Elvis is played on the radio in Memphis, TN. I like his sound; he might be going places. 1978 - The Solomon Islands attain independence from the UK. Hey, everybody else is doin' it. 1980 - Sharia law is instituted in Iran. Not consulted: most Iranians. 1981 - SJW snowflake Ronald Reagan appoints Sandra Day O'Connor to the U.S. Supreme Court. 1992 - New York courts rule that women and men have equal rights...to go topless in public. It is a right that far too few exercise. 2005 - Four suicide bombers - three on the underground and one on a bus - strike London during morning rush hour. Because attacking a country's civilian population and pissing them off is a great way to get them to do what you want.

On July 6 in History: 371 BCE - Epaminondas and his Theban-led coalition army proves that Sparta is not invincible at the Battle of Leuctra. This! Is! Thebes! 1189 - Henry II of England dies. I bet his sons - the ones still alive anyway - feel silly for rebelling against him all those times, when now they get all his stuff for free. 1253 - Catholic convert Mindaugas is crowned king of decidedly pagan Lithuania. Oh, this'll go well. 1415 - Jan Hus is burned at the stake as a heretic in Bohemia. His ideas will live on, though, and influence a young monk by the name of Martin Luther. Perhaps you've heard of him? 1483 - Richard III is crowned King of England because he says he should be, and also he totally didn't have his nephews murdered, no need to look into that. 1535 - Henry VIII of England executes his former Lord High Chancellor, Thomas More, for not getting with the program. The program being, "Screw the Pope; I'm in charge." 1553 - Edward VI of England dies. His last command is, "Don't let either of my sisters become queen." They will both eventually go on to become queen. 1854 - The first Republican Party convention in the U.S. takes place in Jackson, Michigan. Oh, if only they could see what their creation has become. 1939 - New anti-Jewish legislation in Germany closes any and all remaining Jewish enterprises. But hey, they're not being put in death camps or anything, so people should just calm down with their alarmist rhetoric. 1957 - Two boys named John and Paul meet at a local fete in a sleepy district of Liverpool. Wait, what's this random nonsense doing on here? 1962 - William Faulkner, a prodigious writer and once-in-a-century talent, whose many novels - such as The Sound and the Fury, As I Lay Dying, and, of course, Absalom! Absalom! - along with his short stories, of which there are multitudes more, though perhaps not many as well-known, and his plays (and even screenplays!), each as different as one snowflake from another, yet all possessing a unique quality instantly recognizable as belonging to their creator, have all left an indelible mark on the American English canon, as well as pioneering, nay, perfecting such techniques as stream of consciousness narration, the importance of cadence in prose, and irregular sentence structure, dies. 1964 - Malawi declares independence from the UK. They're trying to beat the rush. 1975 - The Comoros declared independence from France. Well, most of them.

I missed the 3rd, so since I've already done the 4th, here it is. On July 3 in History: 324 - Constantine defeats his brother in-law and rival, Licinius, at the Battle of Adrianople. Licinius retreats to Byzantium. If he knew what that city would later be called, he might have reconsidered. 987 - Hugh Capet crowned King of France. Nobody could have known it at the time, but the most successful and long-lasting dynasty in European history was founded by a guy named Hugh. 1035 - William the Bastard becomes Duke of Normandy. He sets his sights on changing his sobriquet. 1775 - George Washington takes command of the Continental Army. How's that for being on top of things? He's ready a whole year in advance! 1844 - Two dudes go out an kill the last two great auks in existence because as a rare species they were considered valuable collectibles and a merchant wanted a specimen before they were all gone. Yay, humans. 1863 - A few Confederate generals, among them one George Pickett, make an ill-advised charge. They will come to regret this. 1866 - The Prussians defeat the Austrians at the Battle of Königgrätz, taking with it the title of Boss Germans. 1883 - An insect awakes to discover it has been transformed into a human infant named Franz Kafka. 1962 - Jackie Robinson is the first African-American player to be inducted into the National Baseball Hall of Fame. It'd be kind of weird if he wasn't. 1971 - The Door closes on Jim Morrison's life. 1996 - England formally promises to give Scotland back its special rock.

On July 2 in History: 626 - Prince Li Shimin, second son of Tang dynasty founder Emperor Gaozu, ambushes and kills both his older and younger brother at the northern gate of the imperial capital. And that's why history calls him Emperor Taizong. 1566 - Death of Nostradamus, which he no doubt saw coming. 1582 - Toyotomi Hideyoshi, successor to Oda Nobunaga, defeats Akechi Mitsuhide, Oda's betrayer and murderer, at the Battle of Yamazaki. Don't celebrate too much; this is kind of like when Cersei got her revenge on the sparrows. 1698 - Thomas Savery patents a new invention for pumping water out of mines. Something involving steam or something; I don't really get it. But hey, it works! The things people come up with, eh? 1776 - The Continental Congress adopts a resolution to split away from Great Britain, but they're going to wait a couple of days to publish it, just to be sure they get the wording right. 1823 - In the province of Bahia, Brazil finally manages to defeat all remaining Portuguese crown loyalists at the Siege of Salvador, meaning they are now truly independent. Free to be ruled by their own monarch, Pedro I, son of the King of Portugal. 1839 - 53 slaves take over the slave ship Amistad off the coast of Cuba. Several Academy Award statuettes are prepared in advance, but they all went down on the Titanic. 1881 - Charles J. Guiteau shoots U.S. President James Garfield, angry that he was not given a position in the administration after all the work he supposedly did in getting Garfield elected. His plan is that for VP Chester Arthur to take over, and reinstate machine politics, complete with patronage and cronyism. Boy is he in for a surprise. 1921 - The U.S. remembers it's actually technically still at war with Germany and takes steps to correct that. 1934 - With the death of SA founder Ernst Röhm, enough potential rivals and threats are gone, so the Nazis decide it's safe to stop murdering people. For now. 1937 - Amelia Earhart checks in while over the Pacific on her round-the-world flight. Wonder where she'll be when we hear from her next? Oh, this is all so exciting! 1942 - Vicente Fox is born. Wait for it... 1962 - A store called Wal-Mart opens in Rogers, Arkansas. It is possessed by a demon with an insatiable desire to consume the world. But look at the price on those screwdrivers! 1964 - The Civil Rights Act says you can't split up people based on race in public spaces. I think we might need a few more of these. 1976 - North Vietnam swallows South Vietnam once and for all. That's a decade and a half we'll never get back. 2000 - Vicente Fox is the first president of Mexico to be elected from an opposition party in over 70 years. Happy birthday, dude!

On June 30 in History: 1520 - Hernán Cortés and his conquistadors fight their way out of Tenochtitlan in the middle of the night. Well now, I certainly hope we've seen the last of them. 1688 - "Dear Prince William III of Orange, please come kick out our Catholic king and make your wife our queen. You can be king, too, if you want. Sincerely, Seven lords of England, who totally speak for everybody." 1882 - Charles Guiteau is hanged in Washington, DC for his assassination of President James Garfield. A narcissist to the end, he dances up the gallows, waves to the crowd, shakes hands with his executioner, and reads a poem about himself going to heaven as his last words. That all really happened. 1934 - Hitler orders the assassination of hundreds of political rivals and the arrest of hundreds more in the middle of the night. At this point, there are already so many red flags everywhere that the German people don't think much of one more. 1960 - Belgian Congo gains independence as the Republic of Congo-Léopoldville, later changed to the Republic of Congo-Kinshasa when they decide they don't want their capital named after the guy who enslaved them for so long, then changed again later to Zaire, then the Democratic Republic of the Congo. They'll settle on one eventually. 1990 - East and West Germany merge their economies. It's kind of like how when you throw a snowball at a snowman, it gets stuck and becomes part of the snowman.

On June 28 in History: 548 - Death of Byzantine empress Theodora, forcing Justinian I to finally wear his own pants. 1389 - In the Battle of Kosovo (which actually took place on the 15th, but thanks to the Julian Calendar is now commemorated today), an army of Serbs and an invading Ottoman army wipe each other out, rulers and all. The Ottomans have more men at home. The Serbians don't. Nevertheless, this is an important national day of remembrance in Serbian history, a fact that I'm sure won't be of any importance regarding anything else that might later happen in Serbia on this date. 1461 - Edward IV is crowned King of England. ...for now. 1491 - Henry VII of England's son Henry is born. As the second son of a king, not much is expected of him in life. 1575 - Oda Nobunaga and Tokugawa Ieyasu are exceptionally victorious over Takeda Katsuyori at the Battle of Nagashino. Oda cleverly deployed his arquebusiers behind stockades to counter the tactic invented by Takeda's father, the cavalry charge. Damn, they really were isolated from the rest of the world, weren't they? 1709 - At the Battle of Poltava, Charles XII of Sweden, who'd bitten off more than he could chew in the Great Northern War, is defeated by Russia's Peter the Great, breaking Sweden's teeth. 1836 - Death of James Madison, 4th U.S. president and "father" of the U.S. Constitution. He was less than a week away from dying on the 4th of July, but what would be the odds of one of the nation's founding fathers dying on the anniversary of its independence? 1846 - Adolphe Sax patents his new instrument, a fusion of reed and brass. His friends talk him out of his initial preferred name, the Adolphophone. 1914 - Serbian nationalist Gavrilo Princip happens upon Austro-Hungarian Archduke Franz Ferdinand, whom he had failed to assassinate earlier in the day, while eating a sandwich outside a deli. Well, second chances like this don't come every day. Surely this grand gesture toward Serbian freedom will be remembered as heroic, with few if any other lasting repercussions. 1919 - The signing of the Treaty of Versailles between Germany and the Entente puts an end to the War to End All Wars. Bookending level: Grandmaster. 1926 - Mel Brooks is tragically born without a fourth wall. 1940 - Romania accedes to the Soviet Union's ultimatum and hands over Bessarabia. Surely they won't do anything drastic in an attempt to get it back. Like joining the Axis or something. 1950 - The South Korean government begins mass executions of hundreds of thousands of communist (and suspected communist) prisoners. Meanwhile, the army flees the capital, which is captured by North Korean forces, who proceed to murder over 900 people - medical personnel, wounded soldiers, and civilian patients - at the Seoul National University Hospital. Not a good day for Korea all around. 1969 - Police raid the Stonewall Inn in Greenwich Village, Manhattan, a bar known for catering to the gay community. Surely this will be another run-of-the-mill raid leading to a few arrests, with few if any other lasting repercussions. 1997 - Mike Tyson gets hungry during a heavyweight championship fight with Evander Holyfield. 2009 - Billy Mays dies. Now who's going to shout at me to buy amazing new products I don't really need? The Shamwow guy? I think not.

Mon. Jun. 3, 2019 Ashley: 178 Sarah: 665 Wed. Jun. 5, 2019 Ashley: 179 Fri. Jun. 7, 2019 Ashley: 180 Liz: 15 Mon. Jun. 10, 2019 Ashley: 181 Liz: 16 Wed. Jun. 12, 2019 Grace: 857 Rhoda: 66 Fri. Jun. 14, 2019 Rhoda: 67 Grace: 858 Arthur: 36 (2019 debut) Ellen: 672 Sam: 53 Mon. Jun. 17, 2019 Grace: 859 Rhoda: 68 Catalina: 64 George: 47 (2019 debut) Mr. Tensaided: 67 Wed. Jun. 19, 2019 Inner Tiffany: 3 (1st appearance since 2012) Inner Susan: 3 (1st appearance since 2012) Fri. Jun. 21, 2019 Tedd: 756 Sarah: 666 Mon. Jun. 24, 2019 Ashley: 182 Liz: 17 Sarah: 667 Susan: 511 Elliot: 940 Wed. Jun. 26, 2019 Tedd: 757 Elliot: 941 Liz: 18 Fri. Jun. 28, 2019 Elliot: 942 Liz: 19 FULL COUNT

On June 26 in History: 4 - Augustus adopts a grown man after his previous adopted sons (who were really just his grandsons) die. In effect, he's handpicking the next emperor. Not a bad system, really. Could've chosen better, though. 221 - 17 year old Emperor Elagabalus adopts his cousin, Alexander Severus, who's only four years younger than him. Okay, good system in theory though it may be, in practice it can get a little weird. 363 - Emperor Julian is killed on campaign against Sasanid Persia during a retreat, destroying the last chance of saving the empire - and by extension Europe - from Christianity. 1243 - Invading Mongols soundly defeat the Seljuq Turks of the Sultanate of Rum at the Battle of Köse Dağ, taking control of much of Anatolia. "How do you like it, eh?" say the Byzantines, probably. 1409 - Pope Alexander V become Pope in Pisa, making him the third extant pope, after the pope in Rome and the Avignon pope. Does this make him the anti-anti-pope? A triple pope? What's the nomenclature here? 1460 - Edward, Earl of March, lands in England with his good pal Richard Neville, Earl of Warwick, and a rebel army. They begin marching on London. Good luck, boys, though you'll probably end up executed or something. 1483 - Richard III becomes King of England after his nephews, the older of which is supposed to be Edward V, are declared illegitimate. That's really convenient for him, that is. 1843 - The island of Hong Kong is ceded to Britain forever. Forever, do you hear? 1940 - The Soviets send a message to Romania: "Give us Bessarabia and northern Bukovina or we're going to take them." Hey, it worked with Lithuania. Pretty nice way of taking land without having to do anything, really. 1960 - British Somaliland gains its independence. "Not so fast there," says former Italian Somaliland. Also Madagascar gains independence from France. There's a lot of this going around. 1963 - According to people who only think they understand German, John F. Kennedy calls himself a doughnut. 1991 - The army of Yugoslavia invades Slovenia, which declared independence yesterday. Don't waste any time, do they? 2013 - The U.S. Supreme Court says that the Defense of Marriage Act is unconstitutional, and that same-sex marriages performed in states that allow them must be recognized everywhere. Antonin Scalia has a little whiny baby temper tantrum, which is glorious. 2015 - Five different terrorist attacks, all completely unrelated to one another as far as anyone can tell, take place in France, Tunisia, Somalia, Kuwait, and Syria. Over 750 people are killed or injured in all in what has to be one of recent history's most terrifying coincidences. 2015 again - The U.S. Supreme Court says that same-sex couples have a constitutional right to marriage. Antonin Scalia throws an even bigger hissy fit temper tantrum than before, which is almost as delightful as the ruling itself.

On June 25 in History: 1530 - At the Diet of Augsburg, a bunch of Lutheran princes present a document to the Holy Roman Emperor explaining exactly what their faith entails. "Well, that clears everything up. Why didn't you just say so?" 1678 - Venetian polymath Elena Cornaro Piscopia graduates from the University of Padua, the first woman to ever earn a PhD. But it's in *philosophy*. 1876 - At the Battle of Little Bighorn, Lt. Gen. George Armstrong Custer does what every military commander dreads: goes down in history for losing terribly. 1938 - Douglas Hyde is inaugurated as the first President of Ireland, a sort of fancy mascot. 1947 - The Diary of a Young Girl is published. Full of dangling plot threads and ultimately feels unfinished; one star. 1950 - "Surprise, motherf******!" ~ North Korea 1975 - Mozambique obtains independence from Portugal. Wow, didn't realize that was still a thing. 1978 - The gay pride rainbow flag is flown for the first time at the San Francisco Gay Freedom Day Parade. It contains the seven colors of the rainbow plus pink - because why not - and is intended to evoke joy, peace, coexistence, and I guess leprechauns? 1991 - Croatia and Slovenia both declare their independence from Yugoslavia. Smart move, dividing their focus. The won't know which one to retaliate against. 1993 - The good news: Kim Campbell becomes Canada's first female prime minister. The bad news: outside of restructuring the cabinet, she'll be utterly ineffective. 1997 - The NHL approves expansion franchises in Nashville and Atlanta, two cities widely known for their thriving winter sports scene. Also Columbus and Minneapolis-St. Paul for some reason.

On June 24 in History: 217 BCE - Hannibal traps the Romans army under Gaius Flaminius in the largest ambush in military history and utterly crushes them at the Battle of Lake Trasimene. And when I say "largest in history", I don't mean up until that point. Ouch. 474 - Julius Nepos forces usurper Glycerius to abdicate and assumes the title Emperor of Rome, whatever that's worth anymore. Long may he reign? 637 - Irish High King Domnall II fights King Congal Cáech of Ulaid and King Domnall Brecc of Dál Riata at the Battle of Moira, the largest ever fought on Irish soil. He wins, by the way. Oh, and Congal, who is killed, was his foster son. Awkward. 1128 - Count (later Prince and then King) Afonso Henriques of Portugal obtains independence from León and Castile by defeating his mother, Teresa of Portugal, his predecessor who had also fought for Portuguese independence, at the Battle of São Mamede. Look, I don't get it either. 1210 - Future Count Floris IV of Holland is born. This in itself isn't notable, until...well, you'll see. 1254 - Future Count Floris V, grandson of the above, is born. Sadly, the old count has been dead for twenty years and can't appreciate this thoughtful birthday gift. 1340 - Edward III's ragtag navy patched together from requisitioned merchant ships, and severely outnumbered by France's professional navy of purpose-built galleys and warships, nevertheless almost completely destroys said navy at the Battle of Sluys, giving the English control of the Channel. An auspicious (or inauspicious, depending on which side you're on) opening volley of the Hundred Years' War. 1374 - A bunch of people in Aachen, Germany, get up and start dancing in the street for no discernible reason. Hundreds more join them. They keep dancing uncontrollably until they collapse from exhaustion. Some even die. This is the first major outbreak of what will become an epidemic across Europe, and nobody knows what the hell is going on. This is a real thing that happened. 1812 - Napoleon and his army cross the Neman River, falling victim to the most famous of the classic blunders. 1880 - O Canada is performed for the first time. A hundred years from now, it will become the country's official national anthem, despite "The Maple Leaf Forever" being right there. 1950 - "This is our space. You guys stay over there." ~South Africa 1995 - South Africa defeats New Zealand to win the Rugby World Cup, and their black president presents the trophy to the white team captain. Moving enough in itself, but look what today's the anniversary of. 2013 - Former Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi is sentenced to seven years in prison (none of which he'll actually spend in prison) and a six year ban on holding office (wait, why is this shorter than his prison sentence?) for abuse of power and having sex with an underage prostitute. Meanwhile, the Italian people are just counting the days before they can vote for him again.

On June 23 in History: 79 - Vespasian, one of the few Roman emperors who knew what the fuck he was doing, makes a rare mistake by dying, and leaving the empire to his natural born son(s). 1314 - King Robert the Bruce of Scotland decisively defeats a much larger invading English force under Edward II at the Battle of Bannockburn. "Can you imagine them being beaten by so badly by such a smaller force? I bet the Scots will never shut up about this one!" say the French, laughing. 1611 - Henry Hudson, his son, and seven loyal crew members are set adrift in an open boat by his mutinous crew, never to be heard from again. But hey, at least they name the bay after him, so there's that. 1757 - 3,000 troops of the British East India Company defeat 50,000 soldiers under the Nawab of Bengal (many of whom had been bribed not to fight) to take control of Calcutta and essentially all of Bengal at the Battle of Plassey. Um, actually, it's Palashi. "Excuse me? Who won? We'll call it what we want." 1812 - Britain revokes restrictions on American commerce, unbeknownst to anyone five days after the U.S. had already declared war. That's gotta be embarrassing for everyone. 1917 - Boston Red Sox pitcher Ernie Shore retires 26 Washington Senators batters in a row - one short of a perfect game - after coming in to replace Babe Ruth, who'd been thrown out for punching an umpire. Something we've all wanted to do at one point or another. 1919 - The Battle of Cēsis firmly establishes that Estonia will not be subservient to Soviet Russia OR Germany, thank you very much. Never, you hear me? Never! 1942 - A German fighter pilot accidentally lands his plane - the very latest model - in Wales, where it is immediately captured and begun being studied for weaknesses. Whoopsie. 1972 - President Richard Nixon and his chief of staff are recorded talking about obstructing the FBI investigation into the break-in at the Watergate hotel. Good thing obstructing an investigation into himself isn't a thing a U.S. president can get in trouble for. 1991 - Sonic the Hedgehog is released. His teeth look hideous. 1996 - The Nintendo 64 is released. On Sonic's birthday! Now you're just being dicks. 2016 - The UK votes to shoot itself in the foot, punch itself in the dick, bite both hands that feed it, and cut off its nose to spite its face. Three years later, they're still getting around to it.

How to Train Your Dragon OST. Keep your Star Wars and your Pirates of the Caribbean and all the rest. This is flat out the best movie soundtrack I've ever heard.

On June 22 in History: 168 BCE - Lucius Aemilius Paullus defeats Macedonian king Perseus at the Battle of Pydna, ending the Third Macedonian War and Macedonian independence all in one go, as the Romans continue their quest to crush Alexander's legacy into dust. 813 - Krum leads his Bulgars to victory over Byzantium at the Battle of Versinikia, forcing emperor Michael I to abdicate. That's what happens when you catch the snitch. 1527 - Fatahillah kicks the Portuguese out of the port town of Sunda Kelapa and renames it Jakarta. You might have heard of it. 1593 - Christian forces - mostly Austrians and Croatians - turn back the Ottomans at the Battle of Sisak in Croatia. The Turks, however, have only just begun to fight. Oh, man, it's gonna be a Long War. 1633 - The Church forces Galileo to recant his idea of the Sun, not the Earth, being the center of the universe, in case you forgot that's a thing that happened. The fact that they're both wrong notwithstanding, this is still pathetically neophobic. 1813 - Laura Secord sets out to warn British-Canadian troops of an impending American attack on Beaver Dams, Ontario. A lot is made of Paul Revere's 20 mile ride, or Sybil Ludington's 40 mile ride, but while it's true Secord only had to travel about 20 miles as well, she did hers on foot. And, unlike Revere, she actually accomplished her mission. Oh! 1870 - The U.S. Congress creates the Department of Justice. It is to be the president's personal legal defense team. Wait, what? Let me check my notes; that can't possibly be right. 1898 - The U.S. Fifth Army Corps begins a somewhat disorganized landing at Daiquiri, Cuba. The Spanish general, Arsenio Linares y Pombo, is aware of this and outnumbers them roughly two to one, but doesn't do anything. In other words, it wasn't just American guts and grit that won this war. 1940 - Germany forces France to sign an armistice in the very same train car that the armistice of 1918 was signed in. But they're not bitter or anything. 1941 - Hitler falls victim to the most famous of the classic blunders. 1942 - U.S. Congress formally adopts the Pledge of Allegiance, because nothing says, "We're nothing like fascist Germany or Soviet Russia!" like forcing schoolchildren to recite a daily national loyalty pledge. 1949 - Meryl Streep is born. Several Academy Award statuettes are prepared in advance. 1986 - In the World Cup quarter-final match between England and Argentina, Diego Maradona scores not one, but two of the greatest goals in history. I know this not because I'm a football fan (I'm not), but because they both have names. That's right; these goals were so amazing that people named them.

On June 21 in History: 1377 - Edward III of England dies. On the one hand, he was old and feeble-minded; a shell of his younger heroic self. On the other hand, we're now left with a 10 year old king in the middle of a massive war with France. Hope he can handle it. 1582 - Oda Nobunaga is betrayed by his general Akechi Mitsuhide and commits suicide. He tells his page to burn down the temple they're in so that his enemies cannot have his head. As a result of this spectacular coup, Akechi gains...nothing. 1591 - St. Aloysius Gonzaga dies. Contrary to what Jimmy Kimmel might think, he is in fact a real person. 1791 - Louis XVI of France and his family attempt to escape Paris due to all the revolutioning going on. As they forget not to act like the king and his family, they are easily recognized and dragged back. 1898 - The U.S. captures the Spanish island of Guam. Now our empire is growing by leaps and bounds! 1919 - The remainder of the German naval fleet, interned at Orkney, is scuttled so as to prevent the allies from divvying them up amongst themselves. In the process, nine German sailors are shot and killed, making them officially the last casualties of WWI. The Danes take careful notes. 1940 - Italy tries to invade France. Oh, that's adorable. 1945 - The Battle of Okinawa ends after 82 days, over 240,000 deaths (including civilians), and thousands more wounded. "Right, lads. That does it for the little one. Another four like that, several hundred times the size, and we might just win this thing!" 1982 - Prince William of the UK is born, securing the succession for another generation. So is Jussie Smollett, who stages his own kidnapping from the post-natal ward because he doesn't like the prince stealing all the attention away from him. 2009 - Greenland to Denmark: "We'll take it from here."

On June 20 in History: 451 - An alliance of Romans, Visigoths, and some locals fight Attila the Hun's army at the Battle of Chalons. They are unable to prevent the Huns from looting and pillaging the countryside, but on the other hand, they do go home and don't establish any vassals in the region. So.....call it a W? 1180 - The First Battle of Uji takes place, opening the Genpei War. If you're Japanese, this is a big deal. If you're not, think of the First Battle of St Albans, or Lexington and Concord, or something. 1685 - James Scott, 1st Duke of Monmouth and illegitimate son of Charles II, proclaims himself King of England. It doesn't take. 1837 - A young princess named Victoria accedes to the British throne. Any bets on how long she lasts? 1893 - Lizzie Borden sits in trial; the jury has been out a while. They say that they don't think she did it, so dear Lizzie is acquitted. 1895 - The Kiel Canal is finished, severing the Jutland peninsula, and finally completing the mission of robbing Denmark of any mainland territory. 1942 - Four prisoners dressed in SS uniforms steal an SS staff car and drive away from Auschwitz concentration camp. I don't know if this would make a better epic Oscar-bait movie or a Three Stooges sketch. 1960 - The Mali Federation gains independence from France. "Yeah, this was great and all, but I dunno if we're gonna hang around for the after party." ~Senegal 1963 - Washington and Moscow establish the "Red telephone" link. For unknown reasons, it is shaped like a bat. 1990 - Asteroid Eureka, a Mars trojan (meaning they share an orbit) is discovered. But what did they say when they found it?

On June 19 in History: 325 - The burgeoning Church adopts a creed at the First Council of Nicaea that even staunch ex-Catholics like me still know in our bones. 1269 - Louis IX of France orders that any Jew found in public without a yellow badge is to be fined 10 livres of silver. I don't know how much that is, but it's still bullshit, and "It's not as bad as Auschwitz!" is not a valid defense. 1312 - Piers Gaveston, 1st Earl of Cornwall and best friend of King Edward II, is hunted down and killed by a group of nobles for being the best friend of King Edward II. 1586 - A bunch of colonists at Roanoke Island hitch a ride back to England with a passing Sir Francis Drake. You'll all be sorry when Roanoke becomes the capital of the New World. You could've been in on the ground floor! 1846 - The New York Baseball Club defeats the Knickerbockers 23-1 in the very first official baseball game in Hoboken, New Jersey. Goddamn Yankees. 1862 - U.S. Congress prohibits slavery in any of its territories. Take that, Dred Scott v. Sanford. 1865 - A bunch of slaves in Texas are informed that they've technically been free for over two years now. 1867 - Emperor Maximilian I of Mexico is executed by the country's republican government for trying to be the emperor of Mexico. 1910 - The very first Father's Day is celebrated in Spokane, WA. If you ever work at the YMCA there, they will make sure you know about this. 1943 - The Pittsburgh Steelers and the Philadelphia Eagles are forced to merge for a season due to war-related player shortages. The new team is dubbed the Steagles by fans, even though Steel Eagles was sitting right there. 1961 - Kuwait declares independence from the UK. That's another one; everybody take a shot! 1978 - Garfield debuts. It isn't funny, but it's easily marketable, which is exactly what Jim Davis was going for. 2012 - Julian Assange, founder of WikiLeaks, requests asylum at the Ecuadorian embassy in London so he won't be extradited to the U.S. for releasing classified documents. They should have been more wary when he asked, "And can I bring my skateboard?" 2013 - Actor James Gandolfini dies as a result of

On June 17 in History: 1397 - Denmark! Sweden! Norway! By your powers combined, I am...Kalmar Union! 1462 - Prince Vlad III of Wallachia (of impaling fame) leads a night attack on Ottoman sultan Mehmed II's camp outside the capital of Târgovişte in an attempt to assassinate him. It doesn't work, but when Mehmed later marches into the capital, you'll never guess what he finds there. I'll give you a hint: it's called the "Forest of" something. 1631 - Empress consort Mumtaz Mahal of the Mughal Empire dies in childbirth. Her husband, emperor Shah Jahan, resolves to build her a lovely little mausoleum. 1665 - Portugal to Spain after the Battle of Montes Claros: "And stay out!" 1767 - Samuel Wallis is the first European to reach Tahiti. It's a magical place. 1775 - British forces win a Pyrrhic victory over American colonial militia at the Battle of Bunker Hill, which...excuse me, I'm being interrupted by every pedantic schoolchild in America, telling me, "It was actually mostly fought on Breed's Hill". 1789 - "Fine! Then we'll make our own National Assembly! With blackjack! And hookers!" ~ The French Third Estate 1839 - Kamehameha III of Hawaii decides to allow Catholics. Not so much because he's a tolerant fellow, but more because he doesn't want to be attacked by France. 1885 - The Statue of Liberty arrives in New York Harbor, a gift from the French. "Make sure you put it out by the front door so they'll see it if they come to visit." 1940 - After taking Lithuania yesterday, the Soviet Union decides to have Latvia and Estonia for dessert. 1944 - Iceland declares itself an independent republic. As Denmark is currently otherwise occupied, there isn't much they can do about it. 1972 - Five White House operatives are arrested trying to bug the offices of the DNC. If this happened today, the press secretary would lie about it, pundits would argue about it on the news for a few days, and everyone would have forgotten by next week. 1994 - O.J. Simpson is arrested after the least exciting car chase in history. 2001 - The people of Bulgaria elect their former tsar, Simeon II, as their new prime minister. That'll go well. Oh! Oh, it actually does go well. Wow, fancy that. Go Bulgaria. 2015 - 9 people are killed at a shooting in a church in Charleston, South Carolina by a guy with white nationalist leanings and a confederate flag on his jacket. But I can't call him a terrorist because he's white.

On June 16 in History: 632 - Yazdegerd III becomes Shah of Sasanid Persia at age 8. Powerful court officials squabble for power and control, which is a shame since there's something happening a little beyond the western border that could use their attention. 1487 - Henry VII defeats Yorkist forces fighting for some random dude pretending to be Edward Plantagenet at the Battle of Stoke Field, putting an end to the Wars of the Roses. Now we can put this entire miserable century behind us. 1586 - Mary, Queen of Scots names Philip II of Spain as her heir and successor to the throne of Scotland, a kingdom she hasn't ruled or been in for eighteen and a half years, and England a country in which she is held prisoner and has never ruled at all. 1755 - The French surrender Fort Beauséjour on the Isthmus of Chignecto to the British, leading to the expulsion of the Acadians, and that's how we got gumbo. 1815 - French forces under Marshal Michel Ney successfully delay the Duke of Wellington's army at the Battle of Quatre Bras, preventing him from aiding Prussian forces at the Battle of Ligny, where Napoleon achieves a solid victory. All according to plan! 1858 - Abraham Lincoln explains what should be a very basic concept on the structural integrity of houses. 1897 - A treaty is signed annexing the Republic of Hawaii into the United States. Not consulted: native Hawaiians. 1904 - James Joyce goes on his first date with future wife Nora Barnacle. He will use this calendar date as the setting of his most famous book. Awwww! 1940 - A communist government is established in Lithuania. Not consulted: Lithuanians. 1963 - Valentina Tereshkova is the first woman in space. Why are we taught the names Yuri Gagarin and Neil Armstrong, but not hers? That's a rhetorical question. 1976 - A non-violent student protest involving over 20,000 participants takes place in Soweto, South Africa over being made to use Afrikaans (considered the language of Apartheid) in schools. It turns into a riot when the police decide to start shooting at them. God dammit. 1981 - Former Canadian ambassador to Iran is the first foreigner to be presented the Congressional Gold Medal by a U.S. president. He is given the honor due to the plot of Argo. 2000 - Israel withdraws from Lebanon a mere 22 years after the UN told them to. You know, except for a few farms here and there. 2010 - Bhutan is the first country in the world to completely ban tobacco. Smokey speakeasies presumably start popping up overnight.

On June 15 in History: 1189 - Tragic death of Minamoto no Yoshitsune, whose life and story is so epic you couldn't write a fictional account better. Japanese writers are aware of this, which is why this story is such a big part of their literary tradition. 1215 - King John of England is bullied into putting his seal to the Magna Carta. Between this and losing all his lands in France, he's really not doing a very good job. 1219 - The Danes and their allies win the Battle of Lyndanisse (Tallinn) against the pagan Estonian tribes in the Northern Crusade when a flag magically falls from the sky. Or something like that. 1246 - Duke Frederick II of Austria dies, and the House of Babenberg goes with him. This might just be the end of Austria altogether; this new house taking over, I'm not sure they've got the stuff. I've barely even heard of them. 1330 - Edward III's son Prince Edward is born. He is gifted a black onesie, and the rest is history. 1648 - Margaret Jones is hanged for witchcraft in Boston, the first time this happens anywhere in the Massachusetts Bay Colony. Let's hope it's also the last, eh? 1846 - The Oregon Treaty establishes the U.S./Canada border at the 49th parallel from the Rocky Mountains to the sea. It's a bit fuzzy on the islands, which we'll see in a minute. 1859 - An American farmer on San Juan Island - who may or may not have had a right to be there - shoots a pig belonging to an Irishman for allegedly eating his potatoes. This sparks an international incident that almost became a full on war between Britain and the U.S. Naturally, it's called the Pig War, because historians like to have fun too. 1888 - Wilhelm II becomes (the last) Kaiser of Germany in what will be called the Year of the Three Emperors. "Oh, three? Is that all?" yawns Ancient Rome. 1953 - Xi Jinping is born. The nurse accidentally swaps him with a talking plush Winnie the Pooh, and everyone is too embarrassed to say anything so they just go with it. 1977 - The first democratic elections take place in Spain, two years after the death of dictator Francisco Franco. King Juan Carlos is a BOSS. 1992 - The U.S. Supreme Court says is perfectly fine to "forcibly extradite" suspects of crimes from foreign countries to stand trial without the permission of those countries. So Batman's still on the up and up after all! 2012 - Nik Wallenda is the first person to walk a tightrope over Niagra Falls, because sure, why not?

On June 14 in History: 1216 - Winchester, the old capital of the Kingdom of Wessex, falls to Prince Louis of France in the First Barons’ War. It would appear it’s not enough for John Lackland to lose all of England’s land holdings in France; now he’s losing the ones in England, too. 1285 - Prince Trần Quang Khải kicks the snot out of the Mongol navy, mostly destroying it in a battle at Chuong Duong during the Second Invasion of Vietnam. This does not discourage the Mongols. 1777 - Congress adopts the Stars and Stripes as the flag of the United States. “A little ostentatious, don’t you think?” 1807 - Napoleon defeats the Russian army at the Battle of Friedland, ending whatever war we’re on now. France: 4, Coalitions: 0. 1900 - Hawaii officially becomes a U.S. territory. For the last two years, it has simply been “a place that we have.” 1907 - Norway grants women the right to vote. That’s right folks; Norway! More progressive than the U.S. for over a hundred years! 1940 - Germans in Paris: “Guess what? We’re taking it.” Meanwhile, in Lithuania: “Let us in,” says the USSR, “or we’ll come in anyway.” 1949 - Albert II, aboard a V-2 rocket, becomes the first monkey in space. No doubt his parents are very proud. 1954 - U.S. President Eisenhower signs a law putting the phrase "under God" into the coerced recitation of national loyalty we make children say every day at school, because freedom of religion isn't as important as making sure everyone knows we're not commies. 2017 - Grenfell Tower in North Kensington, London, catches fire because of a freezer, of all things, and burns for a really long time. 72 people die. The UK government is prompted to look into updating its fire and building codes, and Prime Minister Theresa May capitalizes on another opportunity to make herself look like a robot.

On June 13 in History: 313 - Co-emperors Constantine the Great and Valerius Licinius decriminalize loving Jesus. 823 - Future Holy Roman Emperor Charles is born. The bald one. 839 - Future Holy Roman Emperor Charles is born. The fat one. 1525 - Martin Luther marries Katharina von Bora despite the Church's celibacy rules. I guess he figured he'd burned all his bridges already; might as well get laid. 1625 - Charles I of England marries Henrietta Maria of France, a Catholic. I'm sure this won't cause any problems. 1777 - Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette arrives in Charleston, South Carolina to help train the Continental Army. In my mind, he struts off the gangplank to great fanfare, fireworks, throws out his arms and shouts, "What's up, bitches?!" 1917 - A German air raid is carried out on London - the deadliest of WWI - resulting in 162 deaths and over 400 injuries. Not to mention some significant property damage, probably. May Londoners never know such horror again. 1953 - Tim Allen is born. His parents take him home, where he proceeds to remodel his own crib. Horggh HORRGGH! 1966 - The U.S. Supreme Court says that police have to inform suspects of their right not to answer before asking any questions. This is probably the only detail of police work that cop shows come even close to getting right. 1981 - Teenager Marcus Sarjeant fires six blank shots at Queen Elizabeth II during a Trooping the Colour ceremony - whatever the hell British nonsense that is - for no other reason than that he wants to be famous. Mission accomplished? 1981 again - Chris Evans is born. A doctor slaps America's ass. 1983 - Pioneer 10 is the first man-made object to pass beyond the orbit of Neptune. Suck it, Voyager. 2000 - Canadian swimmer Penny Oleksiak is born, one of the first in a new race of hybrid fish people.