Illjwamh

On May 11 in History: 330 - The city of Byzantium is renamed Nova Roma, but everybody just calls it Constantinople. Still waiting for the They Might Be Giants song. 1310 - Philip IV of France burns 54 Knights Templar at the stake for "heresy", and definitely not for "being people I owe money to". 1846 - U.S. president James K. Polk asks Congress for permission to go to war with Mexico. He'd like very much to Manifest his Destiny, you see. 1904 - Salvador Domingo Felipe Jacinto Dalí i Domènech, 1st Marquis of Dalí de Púbol is born. Most people think of him as the guy with the melted clocks, but I like to think of him as the guy who must have spent his entire life tripping absolute balls. 1927 - The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is founded. All members are required to shove ceremonial sticks up their bums. 1942 - William Faulkner publishes his collection of short stories, titled "Go Down, Moses", after a brief and embarrassing misunderstanding with the censorship board is cleared up. 1949 - Siam changes its name back to Thailand. Again. For real this time, guys, we promise. 1960 - Nazi fugitive Adolf Eichmann is captured in Buenos Aires by Mossad agents. He'd been using the alias "Ricardo Klement". Gee. I wonder how they found him. 1981 - In the end it is neither the sheriff nor the deputy who gets Bob Marley, but acral lentiginous melanoma. 1997 - Deep Blue defeats chess champion Garry Kasparov, which robot historians will later mark as the first step of the downfall of humanity. 2014 - 15 people die and 46 are injured in Kinshasa when...a stampede erupts from police firing tear gas into a hostile incident at a football match. Okay seriously, what the hell? Is this going to become a thing now?

This should put me back on track. On May 9 in History: 1386 - England and Portugal sign the Treaty of Windsor, formally ratifying their alliance. It's still in effect today. They've been allies longer than most modern countries have existed. 1671 - Thomas Blood and a few accomplices attempt to steal the British crown jewels. The crown is flattened with a hammer and the scepter cut in two with a file in order to fit in cloaks. The orb is stuffed in with another set of crown jewels, if you catch my meaning. 1920 - The Polish army celebrates their capture of Kiev from the Soviets with a parade. Poland forever! This is going to be our century, lads. 1941 - German U-boat U-110 is captured by the Royal Navy. It contains one of their latest Enigma machines, but they are unconcerned, knowing the allies could never decipher its use. Somewhere, at this exact moment, Alan Turing inexplicably turns to a friend and says, "Hold my beer." 1949 - Billy Joel is born. If you want to celebrate his birthday, there's a party starting at nine o'clock on Saturday. 1970 - A whole shit ton of people show up at the White House to inform President Nixon they think the war in Vietnam sucks. 1974 - Formal impeachment hearings are opened against Richard Nixon, because a president can't just be getting involved in all kinds of shady and illegal shit and expect to just get away with it. That'd be ridiculous. 2001 - At a football match in Ghana, a referee makes a controversial call. People get rowdy in response, leading to police launching tear gas, causing a stampede for the exits that kills 129 people. Well that escalated quickly.

Still catching up... On May 8 in History: EARLY LIGHTNING ROUND: DEAD POPES! 535 – One! John II 615 – Two! Boniface IV 685 – Miter Trick! Benedict II END LIGHTNING ROUND 1429 - The Siege of Orléans is lifted...by a girl! "No way, no way! We call do-over!" yell the English. 1516 - Emperor Lê Tương Dực of Đại Việt is murdered by members of his own imperial guard. Who knew Roman customs had reached this far east? 1819 - Death of Kamehameha. If only he'd known the Kaiou-ken, he could have lasted longer. 1877 - Snooty white people with too much money and time start a competition in New York to show off who has the most ridiculously pampered dog. 1884 - Harry S Truman is born, and nobody is more surprised than the man waiting outside with cigars, George Martin Dewey. 1903 - Death of Paul Gauguin. Say, who the heck is Paul Gauguin, anyway? 1926 - In a wonderful display of the most beautiful miracle of nature, David Attenborough is born. Sadly, there is no one there to narrate it. 1945 - "We give up, we give up, for god's sake, we give up!" ~Nazi Germany 1948 - Death of U Saw, Burmese Prime Minister and Rube-Goldberg torture film enthusiast. 1963 - South Vietnamese soldiers shoot nine Buddhists for flying a Buddhist flag on Buddha's Birthday. Jesus, are we sure we even picked the right side in that one? 1980 - Smallpox is confirmed to be completely eradicated, thanks in large part due to the lack of social media outlets for morons to spread disinformation on. 1981 - Stephen Amell is born. His first words are, "You have failed this delivery room."

Catchin' up. On May 7 in History: 558 - The dome of the Hagia Sophia collapses. "We'll see about this." ~ Justinian 973 - Death of Otto I, the first Holy Roman Emperor, unless you count Charlemagne, which you shouldn't, because reasons. 1794 - Disheartened by the atheistic tenets of the new Cult of Reason, French Revolutionary leader Robespierre decides to take literally his favorite Voltaire quote, "If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him," and creates the Cult of the Supreme Being. 1824 - In Vienna, Beethoven's Symphony no. 9 makes its world premier. From now on, calling something a person's "ninth symphony" no longer necessarily means it is the ninth one they've made, or even that it is a symphony. 1915 - A German U-boat sinks the RMS Lusitania, which was carrying several American passengers. They will come to regret this. The Germans, that is, not the passengers. They're already dead. Hence the regretting. 1919 - María Eva Duarte is born. Put her down for a lifetime of success. Give her credit; she'll find ways of paying. 1920 - The Soviet Russian Government "recognizes the independence" of the Democratic Republic of Georgia in the Treaty of Moscow. 1942 - In the Battle of the Coral Sea between U.S. and Japanese forces, for the first time ever in history, two fleets battle without ever once seeing each other. The spirits of the first two men to ever fight over a piece of meat look on and say to each other, "You think this might've got a bit out of hand?" 1946 - Tokyo Telecommunications Engineering is founded (you know it today as "Sony") by time travelers who know that Disney will one day need to be stopped. 1994 - After being stolen from the National Gallery of Norway in February, Edvard Munch's most famous painting, "The Scream", is recovered. Poor thing must have been terrified. 2000 - Vladimir Putin is elected president of Russia. Cheer up, lads, no one gets democracy right on their first try.

I've been sick, so there's a backlog. On May 6 in History: 1405 - Birth of Skanderbeg, the only historically famous Albanian anyone's ever heard of. 1527 - Rome is once again sacked by Germans and warriors from the Iberian Peninsula. This is once again marked as the end of a historical era. 1536 - Incan forces under Sapa Inca (emperor) Manco Inca Yupanqui lay siege to their own former capital of Cusco in order to retake it from Spanish invaders. I won't tell you how it eventually ends, but given that more people today speak Spanish than Quechua, you can probably guess. 1856 - Sigmund Freud is born. We don't wanna know what his mom got up to with him in that delivery room, but we can infer it was freaky as shit. 1861 - Arkansas secedes from the U.S.A. They know a winning cause when they see one. 1882 - U.S. Congress officially bans all immigration from China, back when such ridiculous policies were still allowed. 1910 - George V becomes king of the United Kingdom. In an interesting twist, his name actually is George. 1915 - Babe Ruth hits his first Major League home run while playing for the Boston Red Sox. Looks like you boys have got a winner in this one; better hang on to him! 1915 again - Orson Welles is born in a poor Colorado boarding house. Every July, peas grow there. 1919 - L. Frank Baum dies when a bucket of water is accidentally thrown on him. 1937 - The phrase "Oh, the humanity!" is uttered in complete seriousness for the final time. 1940 - John Steinbeck wins the Pulitzer Prize for his novel about corporate exploitation of the working class that apparently nobody has learned anything from in the last 80 years. 1960 - First televised Royal Wedding (of Liz II's sister Margaret). Over 20 million tune in, and the networks realize, "Shit, we've gotta have more of these." 1994 - The Channel Tunnel opens, physically linking the island of Great Britain to the mainland for the first time since the last ice age. "What's wrong with takin' the ferry? Or just paddlin' across like a dog?" ~ Paul Nuttall, UKIP 2001 - While visiting Syria, John Paul II is the first Pope to ever enter a mosque. In an interesting twist, neither he nor the mosque burst into flames.

On May 4 in History: 1471 - Edward, Prince of Wales is killed in the Battle of Tewkesbury by the army of King Edward IV during Wars of The Roses, a period in English history that is so convoluted that you're honestly better off not thinking about it. Just think how complex Game of Thrones is, and then add "The Real World" to that. 1814 - Napoleon is given the tour of his new digs on the island of Elba. 1886 - At a labor rally in Haymarket Square, Chicago, somebody thinks it would be a good idea to chuck a bomb at police officers. The cops understandably take issue with this, their solution of shooting into the crowd is admittedly not the best. 1910 - The Royal Canadian Navy is formed. It consists of a dinghy, a canoe hollowed out from a tree trunk, and a raft made from an old barn door. They still have the canoe. 1919 - Students gather in Tienanmen Square to protest the handover of territory to Japan in the Treaty of Versailles. They are set upon by police. Today's communist Chinese regime honors this event, and commemorates it by setting police on student protests whenever they occur. 1932 - Mobster and noted tax dodger Al Capone is give the tour of his new digs in Atlanta U.S. Penitentiary. 1953 - Ernest Hemingway wins the Pulitzer Prize for his story of an old man too stubborn to know when to cut the line. 1970 - Events at Kent State University inspire Neil Young to write a new song. 1979 - The good news: The UK has its first female prime minister! The bad news: It's Margaret Thatcher. 1990 - Latvia asserts that its annexation by the Soviet Union in 1940 was illegal and unconstitutional. I mean, there's declaring independence, and then there's declaring "Fuck you, we should have been independent all along." 1994 - A peace accord is signed by the prime minister of Israel and the leader of the PLO, granting self rule in Jericho and the Gaza strip. That ought to clear everything up. 2000 - Ken Livingstone is the first Mayor of London. What, like ever? The city's been there for thousands of years!

On May 3 in History: 490 - Obligatory mention of the birth of a Mayan king. Today's contestant: K'an Joy Chitam I of Bàakʼ (Palenque). 738 - Death of Uaxaclajuun Ub'aah K'awiil (Eighteen Rabbit), king of Oxwitik (Copán). Oh, you thought we were done? 752 - Hat trick! Bird Jaguar IV becomes king of the Mayan city-state of Yaxchilan, and all I'm thinking about is where's the backstory on the first three Bird Jaguars? 1481 - An earthquake strikes the island of Rhodes resulting in tsunamis and as many as 30,000 casualties. It is the third (and largest) in a series of quakes that will plague the island from March of '81 until January of '82. Seriously, this thing was huge. Massive. One might even say...Colossal? 1481 again - Death of Mehmed II. Greek residents of Constantinople fail to appear bereaved. 1491 - King Nkuwu Nzinga of Kongo allows some Portuguese fellows to put his head in some water. This will have far-reaching implications. 1826 - Birth of Charles XV of Sweden. Wait for it... 1860 - Happy birthday/coronation to Charles XV of Sweden and Norway (only in Sweden; Norway will have to wait), who is the ninth Swedish king to be named Charles. This is because the previous Charles had decided to include a few who never verifiably existed. God dammit, Europe. 1903 - Birth of Bing Crosby, one of the few famous people from Spokane whom residents can be reasonably confident other people have heard of. 1921 - Ireland is officially divided into Northern Ireland and Southern Ireland, which is known today simply as Ireland, which is not confusing at all. 1960 - "The Fantasticks" opens in Greenwich Village. It will go on to be the longest running musical OF ALL TIME. That's a line from something; I can't recall just what. 1978 - The very first spam email is sent. Man, forget Hitler; can someone go back in time and kill this guy? 2015 - Two idiots with guns try to attack a bunch of other idiots who are holding an anti-Islam rally in response to yet two more idiots who shot up the French magazine Charlie Hebdo four months ago. Guys: none of you are helping!

On May 1 in History: 305 - Diocletian and Maximian retire as Roman Emperors. Everyone else will come to regret this. 1169 - The Norman invasion of Ireland begins. They just can't help themselves. 1328 - At the Treaty of Edinburgh–Northampton, England officially recognizes the Kingdom of Scotland as an independent state. 1707 - "Lol, j/k." ~ The Act of Union 1731 - Death of Johann Ludwig Bach. That's right, not the one you remember; the other one. 1776 - The Illuminati is established in Ingolstadt, Upper Bavaria, to the delight of conservative conspiracy theorists everywhere, as they now have a bogeyman to blame all their problems on. 1865 - Brazil, Argentina, and Uruguay (one of these things is not like the others) form the Triple Alliance to oppose Paraguay, who've gotten a little too big for their britches. 1886 - Rallies are held across the United States demanding an eight hour workday, including in Haymarket Square in Chicago. I've got a good feeling about this. 1904 - Antonín Dvořák dies, which hits a little harder than Bach, in my opinion. 1945 - Joseph Goebbels and his wife commit suicide, as it's the trendy thing for Nazi leaders lately, but not before force feeding their children cyanide capsules. As if they were worried history wouldn't remember them as evil enough. 1956 - The polio vaccine goes public, so unless people stop believing in medical science for some reason, looks like we're done with polio. Thanks, Dr. Salk. 1978 - Uemora Naomi, via dogsled, is the first person to travel to the North Pole alone. A surprised Santa Claus swears him to secrecy. 2003 - U.S. president George W. Bush announces that major combat operations in Iraq are complete, under a banner declaring "Mission Accomplished". Whew, well that's a relief to hear. 2009 - Sweden acknowledges that gay people can get married, too. 2011 - U.S. President Barack Obama fails to conceal how pleased with himself he is as he walks out to deliver the only announcement that George W. Bush ever really wanted to make.

On April 29 in History: 1429 - The Siege of Orléans is interrupted when some girl shows up with a couple hundred soldiers and some supplies. Right, like that's actually going to make any difference. 1483 - The main Canary Island, Gran Canaria, is conquered by Castile. This doesn't really have anything to do with the Reconquista; they just felt like being dicks. 1861 - Maryland votes not to rage quit the U.S. 1901 - Birth of Emperor Shōwa, who won't actually be called that for another 88 years. 1945 - Hitler marries Eva Braun in the Führerbunker. Knowing what they have planned for tomorrow kinda takes the oomph out of "til death do us part." Also, he designates Karl Dönitz as his successor, because fuck you, Göring. 1974 - Richard Nixon releases edited transcripts of White House tape recordings related to the Watergate scandal. Notably, he has his Attorney General come on TV that morning and provide some spin...er, "context" first. Except he doesn't do that, because even Nixon had SOME respect for our institutions. 1980 - Alfred Hitchcock dies of kidney failure, which is completely anticlimactic and further proof that no one's running this show and the universe is completely random. 2011 - Prince William of Wales marries Catherine Middleton, and everyone loses their goddamn minds. Also, memes of the sister of the bride's ass. 2015 - The Orioles and the White Sox throw a ballgame and nobody comes. One has to wonder why a little bit of drizzle is enough to postpone a game, but "ballpark closed to the public due to protests" isn't.

On April 28 in History: 224 - Ardashir I defeats and kills Artabanus V at the Battle of Hormozdgan. This marks the end of the Parthian Empire and the beginning of the Sasanid Empire. This new one will be decidedly less Greek and a lot more Persian. 1192 - Conrad I of Jerusalem is assassinated in Tyre a mere two days after his confirmation to the throne. Like, literally assassinated; he's killed by the Asāsiyyūn. 1402 - Nezahualcoyotl ("Coyote Who Fasts") is born. He will be a poet, a philsopher, a warrior, an architect, and the ruler of the city-state of Texcoco. Perhaps his most visionary achievement was building a temple in which no blood sacrifices - even those of small animals - were permitted. Though he still allowed human sacrifices in all the other temples. Dude, you were so close! 1789 - The crew of the HMS Bounty tell their captain to fuck off so they can go back to Tahiti. It's a magical place. 1792 - In the midst of their sweeping revolution, France decides to invade the Austrian Netherlands (Belgium and Luxembourg), either to spread the revolution or to preempt an attack by the other monarchies. Or possibly because they were running out of people to kill at home. 1869 - Chinese and Irish laborers lay ten miles of track in one day while working on the transcontinental railroad for Central Pacific, who definitely isn't working them too hard. 1930 - The very first official night baseball game is hosted in Independence, Kansas by the Independence Producers vs. the Muskogee Chiefs. This way, if it's a disaster, no one will ever have to know about it. 1945 - Benito Mussolini and his mistress Clara Petacci are shot and killed by a member of the Italian Resistance. Hitler takes note and swears that will never happen to him and his wife. 1947 - A guy named after a thunder god sets out from Peru on a raft named after a sun god across the Pacific Ocean, in order to prove that the natives there could have done it if they wanted to, even though they never did. 1948 - Terry Pratchett is born. I'm not familiar enough with his work to make an acceptable Discworld reference here, but someday! 1950 - Jay Leno is born, have you seen this? Have you heard about this? 1986 - High levels of radiation are detected at a nuclear facility in Sweden, forcing Soviet authorities to admit that they'd made a boo-boo. 1996 - A gunman opens fire at a cafe in Port Arthur, Tasmania, killing 35 people and leaving 23 wounded. The country is so horrified that it immediately takes steps to ensure such a thing will never happen again, and for once I'm not being sarcastic.

Mon. Apr. 22, 2019 Elliot: 930 Ashley: 174 Wed. Apr. 24, 2019 Elliot: 931 Tedd: 747 Fri. Apr. 26, 2019 Sarah: 657 Elliot: 932 Susan: 509 Tedd: 748 FULL COUNT

On April 27 in History: 629 - Sharhbaraz usurps the throne from Ardashir III and becomes king of Sasanid Persia. So when do you guys want to assassinate him? I'm busy next month, but after that my schedule's wide open. 711 - Moorish troops under Tariq ibn Ziyad land at what is now Gibraltar in Hispania and set about conquisting the hell out of it. 1296 - King John Balliol's attempt to win independence for Scotland is stopped short by English armies at the Battle of Dunbar. And they never tried again. 1521 - Ferdinand Magellan dies in the Philippines just short of his goal in the East Indies via an acute case of hit by a spear. 1759 - Mary Wallstonecraft is born, in exactly the same manner that a male child would be, though it remains socially shocking to point this out for another 200 years. 1805 - A contingent of United States Marines and their Berber allies attack the city of Derna on the shores of Tripoli. It goes so well, I wouldn't be surprised if someone wrote a song about it. 1861 - U.S. president Abraham Lincoln declares that - for now, at least - it is not necessary for the government to determine whether people holding others prisoner actually have the legal authority to do so. 1882 - Ralph Waldo Emerson transcends his physical existence and becomes one with the universe. 1909 - Ottoman Sultan Abdul Hamid II has somehow managed to avoid losing control of the empire completely despite decades of decline. His brother, Mehmed V, says "Hold my beer," and overthrows him. 1923 - Birth of Betty Mae Tiger Jumper, future first female chief of the Seminole, whose name is infinitely cooler than yours. 1945 - Benito Mussolini is arrested by Italian resistance partisans in the town of Dongo, in Lombardy. They are able to catch him because despite his disguise as a regular German soldier, he just couldn't stop posturing. 1949 - In response to Australia's policy of not allowing non-European immigrants, even if they have Australian spouses or children, the House of Representatives in the Philippines passes legislation that bans all Australians from the country. Ha! Nice. 1960 - Togo gains independence from UN-trusteeship under France. $20 if you can find it on a map without looking it up. 1961 - Sierra Leone gets independence from the UK. No prize for finding this one, since they've been in the news relatively recently. Though these days if you can remember anything in the news from over a week ago, you're doing all right. 1967 - Expo 67 opens in Montreal, which is only significant to this list in that it will lend its name to the city's ill-fated baseball team. 1974 - Ten thousand people march on Washinton D.C., demanding the impeachment of President Richard Nixon. Ah, remember when the government still somewhat worked how it was supposed to? 1986 - Yesterday's Chernobyl joke becomes reality for the people of Pripyat, which is actually closer to the nuclear facility than the city it's named after. 1992 - Betty Boothroyd is the first female Speaker of the (British) House of Commons in its 700 year history. Makes the U.S.'s 210 year streak feel a little less embarrassing in comparison. 1994 - Black people vote in the general election in South Africa for the very first time. Turnout is expected to be high until the novelty wears off. 2007 - The Estonian government removes the Bronze Soldier, a Soviet Red Army war memorial, in their capital of Tallinn. Because why would anyone want a historical monument to people who oppressed them? 2018 - By signing the Panmunjom Declaration, the leaders of North and South Korea agree to talk about taking steps to start the initial process of talks to discuss the ending the Korean War.

On April 26 in History: 1564 - William Shakespeare is baptized. Since we don't actually know the date of his birth, he could very well already be 17 years old, though I consider that unlikely. 1777 - 16 year old Sybil Ludington rides 40 miles by herself to warn colonial militias of approaching British forces. But does she get a Longfellow poem? Pfsh. Effing patriarchy, man. 1803 - Thousands of meteor fragments fall from the sky around the small town of L'Aigle in southern Normandy. This convinces scientists in Europe that meteors exist. "You don't say?" remark the residents of L'Aigle. 1865 - John Wilkes Booth is cornered and shot on the same day as the largest and last great surrender of Confederate troops, that of Joe Johnston's army to Gen. Sherman at Bennet Place, North Carolina. "This will be a day long remembered. It has seen the end of Booth; it will soon see the end of the rebellion." 1933 - Establishment of the Gestapo, Nazi Germany's secret police force that everyone knows about. 1960 - Syngman Rhee resigns after 12 years as a dictator. Kim Il Sung laughs heartily, knowing that his Korea will always be better. 1964 - Tanganyika and Zanzibar perform the Fusion Dance to form Tanzania. Rumor has it this isn't even their final form. 1982 - South Korean police officer Woo Bum-kon wanders around from village to village casually shooting people and occasionally blowing them up with grenades. All told, he kills 56 people (including himself) and injures 36 more. In his defense, his girlfriend had woken him up that day by swatting a fly on his chest. Who among us wouldn't do the same? 1986 - The residents of Chernobyl, Ukraine are informed they will have to move.

This is a day late due to Avengers-related distraction. On April 24 in History: 1479 BCE - Thutmose III becomes Pharaoh. As he is only two years old however, this essentially makes his step-mother, Hatshepsut, Pharaoh. And by "essentially", I mean it does. 1547 - Forces of the HRE defeat the Schmalkaldic League at the Battle of Mühlberg, essentially forcing it to dissolve. Oh, Schmalkaldic League, if only you had not signed a peace treat back when France was still interested in disrupting the emperor's power. 1800 - U.S. president John Adams signs an appropriations bill of $5000 to "get Congress some books or whatever." 1885 - Annie Oakley is hired to join Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show. Her husband also joins, even though anything he can do, she can do better. 1915 - Roughly 250 Armenian intellectuals are arrested in Istanbul (not Constantinople). This is not a good sign of things to come. 1953 - Winston Churchill is knighted. For his humble service to the realm, he will forever be among the company of other all-time greats like Bono and Elton John. 1970 - The Gambia becomes a republic, but remains part of the Commonwealth. Not Gambia, THE Gambia. That's very important. 1990 - The Hubble Space Telescope is launched. Finally we'll be able to see what's out there without any of that pesky atmospheric interference. Spoiler alert: a lot.

On April 23 in History: 599 - King Uneh Chan of Calakmul attacks and sacks his rival city-state of Bàakʼ (Palenque) under Queen Yohl Ik'nal. That'll teach 'em. I feel like if we had a more complete history of Mayan politics, it would be just as interesting if not more so than all the Greek stuff we study. 711 - Dagobert III becomes King of the Franks on the death of his father, Childebert III. Unfortunately, I've already made a Dilbert joke regarding old Frankish kings before, so I've got nothing here. 1014 - The good news: Irish High King Brian Boru has defeated a band of Viking invaders at the Battle of Clontarf. The bad news: he was killed in said battle. Well, shit. 1016 - Edmund Ironside inherits the throne of England when his father, Æthelred the Unready, is killed. You have to admit his name inspires a little more confidence. 1616 - William Shakespeare dies, literally the day after Miguel de Cervantes. Somebody warn Jonathan Smith! 1928 - Shirley Temple is born. The tap routine she performs for the delivering doctors and nurses is reportedly very impressive. 1985 - Coca-Cola introduces a new formula that tastes more like Pepsi but not as good. For some reason it doesn't go over well. 2005 - Jawed Karim uploads a video of himself in front of some elephants at the zoo and forever changes the way society consumes and interacts with media. 2018 - Some douche in Toronto who's mad that he isn't getting laid runs a bunch of people over with his truck. Can't imagine why women wouldn't be flocking to such an obvious catch.

On April 22 in History: 238 - The Roman Senate declares Emperor Maximinus Thrax an outlaw, and nominates two of its own number to take his place. It perhaps won't surprise you that this will later be known as the Year of the Six Emperors. 1519 - Hernán Cortés establishes a settlement at present-day Veracruz, Mexico. Nothing to worry about, Moctezuma; we're just minding our own business over here. 1616 - Death of Miguel de Cervantes. Perhaps he got cancer from a windmill. 1836 - Mexican General Santa Anna is captured hiding in a swamp the day after the battle of San Jacinto. The Texans have no reason to think he's anything more than a regular solider until his own men accidentally reveal his identity. Whoopsie. 1864 - The phrase "In God We Trust" first appears on U.S. minted coins. More specifically, the two cent coin. So you see, it's clearly a long-standing tradition. 1870 - Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov is born. I can't blame him for switching to the pseudonym "Lenin". It's definitely a lot catchier. 1889 - The cities of Guthrie and Oklahoma City go from nothing to over 10,000 people in a matter of hours once "unassigned" lands are open for settlement and people madly rush in to grab a piece for themselves. So like Black Friday, but less chaotic. 2000 - Federal agents with military-grade weapons break into a house and rip a six year old boy from the arms of his relatives, and this is considered a reasonable solution to an international custody dispute. 2016 - Every country on Earth signs an agreement in Paris to reduce greenhouse emissions. The agreement lets each country set their own rules and goals and does not penalize not following or meeting them. Yeah, we're all gonna die.

On April 21 in History: 753 BCE - Traditional date for the founding of Rome. One must also consider that other parts of this story insist that the man responsible was raised by a wolf goddess, so take it with a grain of salt. 1506 - The people of Lisbon feel like they've killed enough Jews now. It's been three whole days; what say we wind this down. 1509 - Henry VIII of England ascends to the throne on his father's death. A strapping young lad, he'll make a fine king, and no doubt produce lots of children to continue the dynasty. 1836 - At Battle of San Jacinto, which lasts 18 minutes, a force of about 800 Texans defeats a Mexican army that was mostly sleeping, eating, or bathing. Some of the Texans remember the Alamo a little too much, as even their officers can't stop them from killing Mexican soldiers who are desperately trying to surrender. 1898 - U.S. ships blockade Cuban ports. This is the formal declaration of war against Spain that will be retroactively announced in four days. 1918 - The Red Baron takes a bullet to the chest in a dogfight with two Canadian pilots, and even though he has like thirty seconds to live, still manages to land his plane. No one ever actually shot him down. 1934 - A fake photo of the Loch Ness Monster sent in to the Daily Mail as a practical joke gets way out of hand. 1960 - Brazil moves all three branches of government to its deliberately constructed new capital, Brasilia. This does not stop most people from assuming its capital is still Rio. 1966 - Ethiopian Emperor Haile Selassie visits Jamaica, home of the burgeoning Rastafarian movement. It's a bit like if Jesus showed up in Provo, Utah. 1987 - A car bomb explodes in the Sri Lankan capital of Colombo, killing 106 people. Militant secessionist group The Tamil Tigers are blamed. I'll never understand people who assume random murder is an effective means of achieving their political goals. 1989 - 100,000 students gather in Tiananmen Square to commemorate political and economic reformer Hu Yaobang. As long as they're peaceful, there shouldn't be a problem. 2014 - The city of Flint, Michigan switches to a new water source as a cost cutting measure. Think of how much better our citizens' lives will be now we'll have a little extra money in the budget! 2019 - Eight bombs explode in an apparently coordinated attack at churches and hotels around Sri Lanka on Easter Sunday, killing over 200 people. The more things change, the more they stay the same. *sigh*

I don't think this has ever happened before. Wed. Apr. 17, 2019 *no one* Fri. Apr. 19, 2019 Ashley: 173 FULL COUNT

On April 19 in History: 797 - Empress Irene has her son, reigning emperor Constantine VI, deposed and blinded so that she can take the throne for herself. And the award for Mom of the Year goes to.... 1506 - A crowd of Catholics and foreign sailors in Lisbon round up, torture, murder, and burn at the stake hundreds of not just Jews, but people who are "accused of being Jews", whatever that means. 1539 - The Treaty of Frankfurt is signed between the Catholic HRE Charles V and the military alliance of Protestant princes called the Schmalkaldic League. In it, they agree to stop killing each other over how to Christian. France, who up until now had been supporting the Schmalkaldic League, says, "Well, never mind, then." 1578 - Uesugi Kenshin, one of the titans of Japan's Sengoku Period, believed by many to be the Avatar of God of War Bishamonten on Earth and referred to as such, while marching to meet would-be conqueror Oda Nobunaga in battle with his ally, the son of his once equally famous rival Takeda Shingen, dies rather anti-climactically of esophageal cancer. Sometimes history can be a real let-down. 1713 - Habsburg HRE Charles VI, who has no sons, officially declares that, "It would actually make a lot more sense to allow a daughter to inherit rather than someone outside the family." Please note that he does not yet have any daughters, either. 1770 - 14 year-old Marie Antoinette marries future King Louis XVI of France in a proxy wedding. No one is to be served a slice of the wedding cake until she gives the official word. 1775 - Some guy in southwestern Australia: "Hey, did you hear that? Sounded like a gunshot." 1839 - The Treaty of London establishes Belgium as an independent country, and Britain guarantees their independence. Right, like they'll stick by that. 1960 - Students in South Korea hold a nationwide protest against President Syngman Rhee, calling for him to resign. It works. Park Geun-hye would do well to remember this. 1981 - Hayden Christensen is born to a Canadian mother and midichlorians. 1987 - The Tracey Ullman Show unveils a new series of shorts involving a badly drawn, crudely voiced, yellow cartoon family. I don't see it going anywhere. 1995 - The Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City is bombed by domestic terrorists Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols is the deadliest such attack in U.S. history. We should really start looking into these "white people", and maybe impose some sort of ban on them coming into the country, just until we can figure out what the hell is going on. 2005 - A former Hitler Youth becomes Pope. In his defense, he had no choice and didn't like it, but one would imagine the Vatican has to consider the optics on such things, right?

Is that Liz? I really hope it's Liz.

On April 16 in History: 1457 BCE - Egyptian forces under Thutmose III rout Canaanite rebel vassals at the Battle of Megiddo (probably), in the first battle we have any written record of. This is also where the supposed last battle of certain Abrahamic sects, "Armageddon", both gets its name and will take place. While I don't buy into such things, I can appreciate the poetic symmetry. 73 BCE - The Siege of Masada ends after several months when the 960 defenders and family members all opt to kill themselves rather than surrender to the Romans, putting an end to the Great Jewish Revolt. While their actions seem extreme, in their defense, the Romans weren't exactly known for their magnanimity in victory. 69 - Otho becomes the second victim of the Year of the Four Emperors after three months on the throne, seized by Vitellius two days ago. Why did so many people want this job, again? 1346 - Serbian king Stefan Dušan "The Mighty" is proclaimed emperor, since he basically controls all of the Balkans now. Let's hope his successors can hold it together. 1746 - The Battle of Culloden sees a crushing defeat for the Jacobites and an end for any designs Bonnie Prince Charlie may have had on the throne. Just as a safety measure, highland traditions will be banned and brutally cracked down on, because reasons. 1862 - A year into the war fought largely over the issue of slavery, slavery is outlawed in the U.S. capital of Washington, D.C.. 1910 - Boston Arena, now called Matthews Arena, opens. It is the oldest indoor ice hokey rink (indeed oldest athletic building) still in use today, because Bostonians can never let go of anything. 1972 - Apollo 16 launches, though by this time the public has largely somehow lost its fascination with sending human beings to the surface of the moon.

Done. Finally, lol. I finally got around to unpacking my notebook and pens, so it's time to play catch-up. Wed. Feb. 6, 2019 Grace: 835 Sam: 41 Fri. Feb. 8, 2019 Sam: 42 Grace: 836 Mon. Feb. 11, 2019 Sam: 43 Grace: 837 Wed. Feb. 13, 2019 Sam: 44 Grace: 838 "Smoke": (1st appearance - probably) Fri. Feb. 15, 2019 Sam: 45 Grace: 839 "Smoke": 2 Mon. Feb. 18, 2019 Grace: 840 Sam: 46 "Smoke": 3 Wed. Feb. 20, 2019 "Smoke": 4 Grace: 841 Sam: 47 Fri. Feb. 22, 2019 Camdin: 3 (2019 debut) "Smoke": 5 Grace: 842 Mon. Feb. 25, 2019 Grace: 843 Sam: 48 Wed. Feb. 27, 2019 Sam: 49 Grace: 844 Fri. Mar. 1, 2019 Grace: 845 Sam: 50 (29th) Mon. Mar. 4, 2019 Sam: 51 Grace: 846 Wed. Mar. 6, 2019 Mr. Verres: 134 Tedd: 744 Grace: 847 Fri. Mar. 8, 2019 Grace: 848 ------------------------------------- <Start of Q&A Mon. Mar. 11, 2019 Amanda: 80 (1st appearance since 2016) Lisa: 67 (1st appearance since 2016) Susan: 504 (2019 debut) Wed. Mar. 13, 2019 Sarah: 650 (5th) Grace: 849 Amanda: 81 Lisa: 68 Fri. Mar. 15, 2019 Tedd: 745 Amanda: 82 Lisa: 69 Mon. Mar. 18, 2019 Ashley: 171 (2019 debut) Elliot: 927 (2019 debut) Amanda: 83 Rhoda: 64 (2019 debut) Lisa: 70 Wed. Mar. 20, 2019 Mr. Tensaided: 66 (2019 debut) Susan: 505 Fri. Mar. 22, 2019 Sarah: 651 Diane: 199 (2019 debut) Amanda: 84 Lisa: 71 Mon. Mar. 25, 2019 Amanda: 85 Lisa: 72 Voltaire: 28 Wed. Mar. 27, 2019 Amanda: 86 Lisa: 73 Fri. Mar. 29, 2019 Amanda: 87 Lisa: 74 Dan: 15 (1st appearance since 2016) Mon. Apr. 1, 2019 Amanda: 88 Sarah: 652 Elliot: 928 Tedd: 746 Lisa: 75 Wed. Apr. 3, 2019 Diane: 200 (9th) Sarah: 653 Amanda: 89 Lisa: 76 Fri. Apr. 5, 2019 Diane: 201 Amanda: 90 Noah: 71 (2019 debut) Elliot: 929 Susan: 506 Catalina: 61 (1st appearance since 2017) Lisa: 77 Sarah: 654 Mon. Apr. 8, 2019 Amanda: 91 Lisa: 78 Wed. Apr. 10, 2019 Kitty: 1st appearance Amanda: 92 Catalina: 62 Susan: 507 Ashley: 172 Sarah: 655 Lisa: 79 Fri. Apr. 12, 2019 Susan: 508 Diane: 202 Catalina: 63 Amanda: 93 Lisa: 80 Mon. Apr. 15, 2019 Grace: 850 Amanda: 94 Lisa: 81 Sarah: 656 Rhoda: 65 FULL COUNT

A lot of the roof beams and rafters and such were made of trees over 1000 years old.

On April 12 in History: 240 - Shapur I becomes co-ruler of the Sassanian Persian Empire that his father, Ardashir, founded. I tell you, this kid's gonna be Great. 467 - Anthemius becomes Emperor of the Western Roman Empire. For whatever that's still worth. Don't get comfortable. 627 - Edwin, The Anglo-Saxon king of Northumbria, is seduced and turned by some weird, foreign cult from the south. Something about a crucified god or something? Sounds like a riff on Woden to me; doubt it'll last. 1861 - Confederate forces to the garrison at Fort Sumter, and by extension the federal government at large: "We weren't bluffing." 1917 - Canadian forces successfully complete their capture of Vimy Ridge from the Germans. Maple Leaf forever! 1945 - Franklin D. Roosevelt dies, thus thwarting America's (admittedly not well thought-out) plan to just have him be president forever. 1955 - The polio vaccine is declared safe and effective. Let me repeat that, in case anyone missed it: IT'S 1955, AND THE POLIO VACCINE HAS BEEN DECLARED SAFE AND EFFECTIVE. NO ONE HAS TO GET POLIO ANYMORE, EVER. As long as people aren't stupid and stop using it. But why would that ever happen? 1961 - Yuri Gagarin is the first human being to travel to outer space. He says it's all right. 1979 - Actress Claire Danes is born, precipitating a massive uptick in occurrences of the phrase "Great Danes" in entertainment headlines. 1981 - Tulsi Gabbard is born. If you don't remember who she is, just check your Democratic presidential candidate bingo card. 1994 - Actress Saoirse Ronan is born. She will spend the majority of her time in interviews explaining to Americans how to pronounce her name. 2009 - Zimbabwe abandons its own dollar as official currency. This is due largely to the physical inability of anyone to carry enough of them to buy anything.

On April 11 in History: 145 - Birth of Septimius Severus, the Roman Emperor who most sounds like a Harry Potter character. 1034 - Byzantine emperor Romanos III Argyros is drowned in his bathtub, apparently murdered. In what I'm sure is completely unrelated news, he is succeeded by his wife Zoë's lover, Michael IV. 1241 - Batu Khan's Golden Horde absolutely kicks the shit out of Béla IV of Hungary's armies at the Battle of Mohi. For the Hungarians, it is a defeat from which they will not recover, eventually leading to nearly half their lands being destroyed and up to a quarter of their population lost. For the Mongolians, it is Tuesday. 1689 - William III and Mary II are crowned as co-sovereigns of England and Scotland. It's been hit or miss with monarchs this century, so this time we're doubling up just in case. 1814 - Treaty of Fontainebleau to Napoleon: Yes, you have to abdicate, and NO, you cannot choose your successor. What do you think this is? 1868 - Tokugawa Yoshinobu surrenders Edo Castle to Imperial forces, officially ending the Tokugawa Shogunate. Oh, but you're welcome for unifying the whole country and everything. 1968 - The Civil Rights Act of 1968 is passed in the U.S., prohibiting discrimination in the sale, rental, and financing of housing. Donald Trump is determined to fight this, even if he has to become president to do it. 1970 - Apollo 13 is launched. If it's anything like the last two, it should make it to the moon without a hitch. 2007 - Kurt Vonnegut dies as part of his project to interview notable people from centuries past.