Illjwamh

On April 9 in History: 585 BCE - Death of Jimmu, traditionally regarded as Japan's first emperor. We'll see how long his dynasty lasts, though I wouldn't put much money on them. 491 - Death of Zeno, emperor of the Eastern Roman Empire, which by the end of his reign no longer needs that specifier. 1241 - Mongol invaders defeat a combined Polish and German force at the Battle of Liegnitz because they're Mongol invaders and that's what they do. 1288 - Forces of the Vietnamese Trần dynasty to Mongol invaders at the Battle of Bach Dang: "Not in our house." 1413 - Henry V becomes King of England. He's so badass; he'll probably rule for decades and definitively bind France to England forever. 1682 - Robert Cavelier de La Salle discovers the mouth of the Mississippi River and names the whole region "Louisiana" because like everyone else in France at this time, he's a gigantic brown noser. 1865 - Robert E. Lee surrenders his Army of Northern Virginia to Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox Courthouse in Virginia, which for all intents and purposes ends the American Civil War. A century and a half later, the very same people who whine and complain that "losers shouldn't get participation trophies" will insist and demand that statues of him remain on display in public spaces. 1865 again - Erich Ludendorff is born. An important historical figure and key player in the First World War, he will now mostly be remembered as that crazy guy who huffed some weird fumes and fought Wonder Woman. 1917 - The Battle of Vimy Ridge begins with an assault on German positions atop said ridge. My Canadian blood is pumping hot with furious pride just thinking about it. 1937 - The first Japanese-built aircraft to fly all the way to Europe lands safely in London. It is called the "Kamikaze", which in retrospect is tragically hilarious. 1940 - Germany invades Denmark and Norway. Meanwhile, Vidkun Quisling is able to demonstrate to the people of Norway just why Americans hate the name Benedict Arnold so much. 1947 - Members of two different Zionist paramilitary groups attack the Palestinian town of Deir Yassin near Jerusalem and kill over 100 people. Leaders from all sides condemn the violence, and yet...I'm sorry, I'm being told I'm not allowed to make a punchline. 1989 - Anti-Soviet protesters in the Georgian capital of Tblisi are dispersed by Soviet troops, who kill 20 and injure hundreds more. In Soviet Russia, state protest YOU! 1991 - Georgia declares its independence from the USSR. Can't imagine why they chose today to do it. 2009 - As many as 60,000 people gather in Tblisi to protest against president Mikheil Saakashvili and his government. While they may have a few valid reasons to complain, he notably does not send the military to murder them. 2014 - A student in a Murrysville, Pennsylvania high school stabs 20 people, all of whom survive. Republican lawmakers immediately suggest giving all teachers knives. 2017 - Dr. David Dao Duy Anh is beaten and forcibly dragged off an airplane after refusing to give up his seat which had been deliberately double-booked by United Airlines. People around the country pretend to be shocked at the revelation that United Airlines sucks.

On April 8 in History: 217 - Terrible Roman emperor Caracalla is assassinated. At least they waited until after his birthday. 876 - Victory by the Abbasid Caliphate over Saffarid Persia at the Battle of Dayr al-‘Aqul saves Baghdad from their advance. What a relief! The House of Wisdom is in there. Can you imagine what would happen if it were damaged by invaders? 1364 - French king John II dies in captivity in England, to whom he had lost a ton of land, much of which had in turn been lost to the French by the English King John a century and a half earlier. Strangely enough, neither country will ever name a king "John" ever again. Weird. 1450 - Sejong the Great dies. He is notable in that, while nearly every Joseon ruler was posthumously styled "the Great", he actually earned it. 1740 - In the early stages of the War of Jenkins' Ear, three British ships capture the Spanish Princess. Don't worry; it's only a ship. 1904 - France and Britain sign the Entante Cordiale, essentially putting 1,000 years of rivalry and hostility aside as water under the bridge. This is mostly because both countries think Germany is looking a bit shifty, but also because neither one really wants to be dragged into the Russo-Japanese war on their respective ally's side. 1938 - Future UN Gen-Sec Kofi Annan is born. I had a great idea for a joke reference until I remembered it was from a play that, as far as I know, was only performed once and I may well be the only person who remembers anything from it. Even by my usual standards, that's pretty obscure. 1974 - Hank Aaron hits his 715th home run, breaking the all-time record held by Babe Ruth for 39 years. I can't see anyone ever managing that again, unless they're juicing or something. 2013 - The Islamic State of Iraq enters into the Syrian Civil War, providing an excellent example for anyone trying to explain the term "clusterf***".

On April 7 in History: 30 - Near as we can figure, this is the day some bleeding heart rabble rouser named Josh is crucified for what amounts to rocking the boat. Sad. I bet in another year or so no one will even remember him. 611 - Armies of the Snake Kingdom (Kaan) under King Uneh Chan (Scroll Serpent) sack the city of Bàakʼ (Palenque). Why do we have to learn about everything the Romans ever shit on but not this pile of awesomeness? 1141 - Empress Matilda becomes the first female ruler of England, albeit mostly in name. She is not to be confused with her mother, Queen Matilda, or with the wife of King Stephen (with whom she fought a war for control of the kingdom), also called Queen Matilda. God dammit, Europe. 1788 - Marietta, Ohio is the first permanent American settlement in the Northwest Territory. Lol, "northwest". 1805 - Beethoven premiers his third symphony in Vienna. Where else? He's really getting the hang of these now. 1831 - Emperor Pedro I of Brazil abdicates and goes to Portugal to become King Pedro IV. That's a pretty sweet retirement package. 1948 - A baby John Oates twists and shouts his way out. His mother wraps herself around him, but he ain't the way she found him. He'll never be the same. 1954 - Jackie Chan is born, and as usual does not use a double. That's really him, and they did it all in one take. 1980 - The U.S. cuts off diplomatic ties with Iran, due largely to the fact that several of their diplomats are being held hostage. By Iran. 1994 - Hutus begin killing their Tutsi neighbors for no reason more complex than that they were told to. This is what happens when you characterize certain groups of people as "animals", but that would never happen here.

On April 4 in History: 188 - Future terrible Roman emperor Caracalla is born. 1147 - Hey, check it, Moscow exists! I mean, it probably did before, at least for a while, but now we have proof! 1284 - Alfonso X of Castile and Leon dies. Wait, you're telling me it's only 1284 and you've already gone through 10 Alfonsos? Y'all need to learn to keep better track of your things. 1581 - Francis Drake is knighted for sailing around the world, and most certainly not for his privateering endeavors against Spain. 1660 - Charles II of England just wants everything to settle back down, and pardons everyone who sided against the crown during the Civil War, as long as they accept him as king. Minus the ones who murdered his father, natch. 1721 - Sir Robert Walpole becomes Britain's first Prime Minister, despite there actually not being any position titled "Prime Minister". History is weird. 1814 - Napoleon abdicates and tries to name his 3 year old son his successor as emperor. The coalition isn't buying it. 1841 - William Henry Harrison dies exactly one month after being sworn in as U.S. president. He spent his entire time in office with pneumonia. Thus his remains the only administration with fewer accomplishments to its name than the current one. 1875 - Czech composer Bedřich Smetana's Vitava, also known as Die Moldau, premiers in Prague. I don't really have anything funny to say; I just really like it. Y'all should give it a listen. 1923 - Warner Bros. Pictures opens. They will eventually be responsible for such cinematic masterpieces as Battlefield Earth, Catwoman, and The Adventures of Pluto Nash. 1925 - A far-right party in Germany establishes its own private paramilitary force, and this apparently does not alarm anyone. 1945 - Soviet troops liberate Hungary from Nazi occupation. But really, it's more like "under new management." 1949 - NATO is formed by twelve signatory nations as a result of the Soviet Union just creeping everybody the hell out. 1968 - Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. is shot by a white racist and convicted criminal using a rifle purchased same-day under false pretenses with an assumed name. Just gonna leave that here. 1979 - Heath Ledger is born. Holding him for the first time, his mother coos, "Let's put a smile on that face!" 2009 - France comes back to NATO. They don't wanna say anything outright, but they're really hoping they can get their old seat back. It was by the window. 2013 - Roger Ebert dies, leaving us all to our own devices when it comes to knowing what movies are good. I'd say we're not handling it very well.

On April 2 in History: 742 - A son named Charles is born to Frankish king Pepin the Short. Keep your eye on this one; he could be Great someday. 1118 - Baldwin I, the first crusader King of Jerusalem, dies. Crusading, of course. 1502 - Henry VII's son and heir, Arthur Prince of Wales, dies. Let's hope his younger brother is up to the task. Also, why does fate keep conspiring to keep us from having a real King Arthur? 1800 - Beethoven premiers his first symphony. Or, as he called it at that time, his symphony. 1851 - Rama IV becomes King of Siam. He is known for leading the advancement of science and technology in his kingdom, and is popular among musical theatre enthusiasts. 1930 - Haile Selassie becomes Emperor of Ethiopia. You know what? Maybe it's the weed talking, but I'm getting some serious messiah/god vibes off this guy. 1962 - Actor Clark Gregg is born, one can only assume in Tahiti. It's a magical place. 1979 - 66 people die when a Soviet bio-war lab accidentally releases some of its anthrax spores. Whoopsie. 1982 - Argentina thinks it can go to war with Great Britain. How adorable. 2005 - John Paul II dies after 37 years. A lot of the world's Catholics have never known another Pope. Well, whatever. I just hope they don't replace him with a former Nazi or anything.

Oh man, I have no idea what's goin' on.

Just realized that it's been a year since I started this thread. I was all ready to put in today's when I realized it was the first one I ever posted here. I do plan to keep making them, so unless people don't want it, I'll probably keep putting them in here for the days I haven't done, even if other people already have.

On March 29 in History: 87 BCE - Emperor Wu of Han dies after 54+ years on the throne, a record which will not be broken for over 1800 years. How d'ya like them apples, Elizabeth II? 57 - Emperor Guangwu of Han dies after a mere 32 years on the throne. Pathetic. Although I suppose he did restore the dynasty after the interregnum, so I should cut him some slack. 500 - Saint Gwynllyw, King of Gwynllwg and son of Glywys of Glywysing, dies. God dammit, Wales, what the hell did I just type? 845 - Ragnar Loðbrók sacks Paris. Probably. There isn't definitive, conclusive *proof* that it was him who did it, but all signs point to ol' hairy breeches. Plenty of things don't have definitive proof, but we're reasonably sure about them. Don't take this away from me. 1461 - Edward of York wins the Battle of Towton and becomes Edward IV. Queen Margaret rides away shaking her fist and screaming, "You haven't seen the last of us!" 1792 - Gustav III of Sweden dies 13 days after being literally shot in the back at a masquerade ball by nobles who didn't like how he was running the country. 1809 - Gustav IV Adolf of Sweden abdicates after being figuratively stabbed in the back by officers who staged a coup because they didn't like how he was running the country. 1867 - Queen Victoria agrees to the idea of Canada being a thing. Might take a couple of months to sort out the details. 1886 - Working in a friend's backyard, trying to make an alcohol-free version of the cocaine and kola nut based medicine he'd created to treat his morphine addiction, John Pemberton accidentally mixes his latest test batch with soda water. What an idiot. 1941 - The Royal Navy defeats the Regia Marina (Italian for "Royal Navy") at the Battle of Cape Matapan off the Greek coast. There can be only one. 1961 - United States citizens residing in the nation's capital are given the right to vote for president. We draw the line at giving them representation in Congress or allowing them their own functional local government, though. That'd be crazy. 1962 - Argentinian president Arturo Frondizi is overthrown in a military coup. Shots! 1990 - An ineffectual compromise is reached in the Czechoslovak parliament that leaves nobody happy regarding what to call their country, newly independent as it is from the USSR. The conflict centers around - I shit you not - whether or not to put a hyphen in it. And if that's not silly enough for you, the two sides can't even agree whether it should be called a hyphen or a dash. No, really. 2004 - Bulgaria, Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Romania, Slovakia, and Slovenia join NATO. For anyone keeping score, not one of them is on the Atlantic (one being completely landlocked), and four of them aren't even North! They are, admittedly, members of an organization, and they did sign a treaty, so there's that. 2013 - Chinese footballer Liu Kang dies of lung cancer, and if you think for one second I'm going to make a tasteless Mortal Kombat joke, allow me to disabuse you of the notion. I started his entry on a classy note, and that's how I'm going to Finish Him. 2016 - Patty Duke dies. Hold on to your butts, boys and girls. This year is not a fan of beloved celebrities and it's just getting started.

On March 28 in History: 193 - Roman Emperor Pertinax is assassinated by his own Praetorian Guard, who then auction off the empire to the highest bidder. Said bidder is Didius Julianus, who probably would have just kept his money had he known this would eventually be called the Year of the Five Emperors. 1483 - Celebrated painter and architect Raffaello Sanzio da Urbino is born. He's cool, but rude. 1584 - Ivan IV of Moscow, more commonly known as Ivan the Terrible, dies. There is much rejoicing. For even though the "terrible" in his epithet actually means "formidable" or "fearsome", he did massacre tens of thousands of people in Novgorod and murder his firstborn son, leaving his newly established Tsardom with an ineffectual successor, so the common mistranslation is pretty apropos after all. 1854 - France and Britain declare war on Russia for reasons. 1944 - Stephen Leacock dies. As with his birth, I would not be a responsible descendant of Orillia if I did not mention this. 1969 - Death of Dwight D. Eisenhower, the last good Republican president. Don't @ me. 1979 - A partial meltdown at a Three Mile Island nuclear reactor is caused either by a coolant leak, or Wolverine and Sabretooth fighting Ryan Reynolds. I forget which. 1986 - Lady Gaga is born. She will later sing about the manner in which it occurred. 1990 - George H.W. Bush posthumously awards the Congressional Gold Medal to Jesse Owens. I'm sure he appreciates it.

The 1866 one did get passed, actually. They just overrode the veto.

On March 27 in History: 1309 - Pope Clement V excommunicates and imposes an interdiction on the entire city of Venice because they took some of his stuff. 1625 - Just a few days after celebrating 22 years on the throne, James VI and I dies, and Charles I becomes king of England, Scotland, and Ireland. He would also like everyone to know that he should be the king of France, too. 1785 - Louis XVII of France is born. Don't get comfortable, kid. 1866 - U.S. President Andrew Johnson vetoes the Civil Rights Act which, I will remind you, was a direct result of the Civil War. And people wonder why he's unpopular. 1884 - In Cincinnati, after a jury returns a verdict for manslaughter instead of murder, everyone flips the hell out and starts a riot that will eventually destroy the courthouse and see over 50 people dead. The irony runs a bit thick on this one, though on the bright side it did sort of cripple the local corrupt political machine. 1900 - Death of Joseph A. Campbell. You know, the soup guy. Look, it's not easy to pad these out, all right? 1915 - Mary Mallon, a.k.a. "Typhoid Mary", is put in quarantine for the second time. There will not be a third if you catch my drift. 1945 - Argentina sees which way the wind is blowing, by which I mean they declare war on the Axis Powers. 1968 - Death of Yuri Gagarin, the first person in space. This means he never lived to see himself one-upped. 1971 - Nathan Fillion is born. He aims to misbehave. 1977 - On Tenerife in the Canary Islands, a KLM flight preparing to take off crashes into a Pan Am flight still turning onto the taxiway, resulting in the deaths of 583 people. This means the deadliest accident in aviation history happened on the ground.

On March 26 in History: 752 - Mere days after being elected Pope, a fellow named Stephen dies of a stroke before he can actually become the Pope. How embarrassing to be offered a job only for the boss to nix it before you even start. 1027 - Conrad II is crowned Holy Roman Emperor. I don't know what's weirder: that there was actually an emperor named Conrad, or that there was more than one of them. 1130 - King of Norway, Sigurd the Crusader, dies. He got his nickname by leading a crusade while king way before the likes of Ricky Lionheart and Freddie Redbeard made it cool. 1830 - The Book of Mormon is published. Everyone who said it was too late in history to start a new religion owes Joseph Smith $20. Also, several Tony Award statuettes are prepared in advance. 1874 - Robert Frost is born. Strap in, little one. You've miles to go before you sleep. 1892 - Walt Whitman dies. If you've been putting off getting a copy of Leaves of Grass, now's the time. There won't be any more updates. 1931 - Leonard Nimoy is born. May he survive to a ripe old age and find great success in life. 1941 - Richard Dawkins claims this is the date his was born, but I've never seen him produce evidence he didn't spring fully formed from a heliotropic seashell, have you? 1948 - Musicians Steven Tyler and Richard Tandy are born. Both have big dreams. Dream On, and Hold On Tight to them, lads. 1971 - East Pakistan declares that they are Bangladesh now. West Pakistan disagrees. 1985 - Keira Knightley is born, and people's first reaction is to wonder how Natalie Portman was turned into a baby. 2015 - Saudi Arabia begins what it calls its "military intervention" in Yemen. This should be over quickly.

On March 25 in History: 717 - Theodosius III "decides" he doesn't want to be Emperor of the Byzantines anymore, and runs off to join the church. 1000 - Fatimid Caliph Al-Hakim has his prime minister murdered in order to take over his own government. I swear this makes sense. 1199 - Richard I of England (you know, from the Robin Hood stories) is shot with a crossbow by some random French mook in the luckiest of all lucky shots ever. 1306 - Robert the Bruce becomes King of Scotland. He is not to be confused with Bruce the Robert, an Australian burglar who can't spell. 1774 - The British government closes the port of Boston and demands that they pay for all the tea they threw in the harbor last year. It is a very effective punitive measure and everything calms down. 1802 - The Treaty of Amiens, known as a "Definitive Treaty of Peace", is signed between Britain and France. In this context, "definitive" means "about a year or so, yeah?" 2001 - Bjork kills and guts a swan, then wears its carcass to the Oscars.

Lol. Interestingly, English monarchs continued to claim the French throne all the way up until 1803. Presumably at that point, they figured there was nothing left to claim.

Even more so when you consider that the previous royal house, the Tudors, were Welsh.

On March 24 in History: 809 - Harun al-Rashid dies, and with him, the Islamic Golden Age. The beginning of the end, anyway. By trying to split the empire between his two sons, he set the stage for nearly two decades of civil war. Whoopsie. 1603 - After centuries of fighting to keep themselves free and separate from England, the Scottish are bound forever to them when their king, James VI, takes the English crown. Dude, you had one job! 1603 again - Tokugawa Ieyasu is granted the title of Shogun, and begins a dynasty that will rule over a unified Japan for over two and a half centuries. Not a bad gig if you can get it. 1720 - Barely a year after fighting for the right to inherit the Swedish throne over her male cousin, Queen Ulrika Eleonora abdicates in favor of her husband. Yay, feminism? 1765 - Great Britain passes a law that requires American colonists to house British soldiers. It does not go over well, to say the least. 1837 - Canada allows all black (men) to vote. This is something America will also do, in - let me see, here...31 years??? *Tsk* Always stealing their best ideas from someone else. 1854 - Venezuela bans slavery. This is something America will also do, in 11 years. And as Fox News will tell you, they just don't get enough credit for it. 1905 - Jules Verne dies, one can only assume via some shenanigans involving trying to re-enact one of his novels. No, actually, it was complications from diabetes, very sad. 1944 - 76 allied POWs make their escape from German camp Stalag Luft III. No motorcycle chases are involved. 1944 again - Baby R. Lee Ermey yells such a vile diatribe at the doctor who tries to spank him, he makes the doctor cry. 1976 - The military in Argentina overthrows the government again. Shots! 1989 - The Exxon Valdez runs aground and spills oil all over Alaska. Governments and petroleum companies around the world take the opportunity to learn absolutely nothing. 2008 - Bhutan is a democracy now! Just as it seems to be going out of style. 2015 - Germanwings Flight 9525 is deliberately crashed into a mountain by the co-pilot who had been diagnosed with suicidal tendencies and been deemed unfit for work. If only there had been some kind of warning sign!

SSSSHHHHHH|!

You're absolutely right; that's something of a glaring mistake. I'll just go back and fix it and no one ever need know.

My goodness, what an oversight! On March 23 in History: 1400 - Hồ Quý Ly, a court official in the Trần dynasty of Vietnam, decides he would much rather be emperor. Apparently you can just do that. 1708 - James "The Old Pretender" Stuart lands at the Firth of Forth. It is not particularly Glorious. 1775 - "...Though given the option between the two, I would obviously prefer liberty!" ~ Patrick Henry, probably. 1801 - Tsar Paul I dies, officially of apoplexy. It was likely brought on by being struck with a sword, strangled, and trampled by several former military officers. 1806 - "Well, that was fun. Let's start heading back, then." ~ Lewis and Clark 1879 - The first battle of the War of the Pacific, the Battle of Topáter, is fought between Chile and the alliance of Bolivia and Peru. The latter two are confident that by teaming up, they've got this in the bag. 1919 - Benito Mussolini founds a political movement in Milan. This is literally the birth of Fascism. And somehow, 100 years later, we still have to deal with it. 1933 - The Reichstag are a bunch of enablers. 2001 - The Mir space station falls from orbit, breaks apart on re-entry and crashes into the ocean. It's all right, though, it was on purpose!

On March 22 in History: 871 - King Æthelred of Wessex loses to the Great Heathen Army for the second time this year at the Battle of Marton. You just HAD to taunt them, didn't you Ælla? 1508 - Amerigo Vespucci is commissioned by Ferdinand II of Aragon as chief navigator of the Spanish Empire. In lieu of a resume, he simply held up a map and pointed to the names of the new continents on it. 1621 - The Plymouth Colony and the Wampanoag sign a peace treaty. Each side receives something vital, be it food to avoid starvation, or explodey weapons to kill their rival neighbors. 1622 - 347 English settlers, a third of the entire Jamestown population, are killed by native warriors as part of the Second Anglo-Powhatan war. "Why does Plymouth get all the luck?" 1872 - Illinois requires gender equality in employment, the first U.S. state to do so. Yes, that's an 8, not a 9. 1894 - The first Stanley Cup playoff game begins. That's right; it's older than the Super Bowl *and* the World Series! 1939 - Germany tells Lithuania to give it the Klaipėda Region (they call it "Memel") or else. Since Britain and France are currently playing a game of "let Hitler do whatever he wants", they have no choice. Man, those guys just can't catch a break, can they? 1947 - James Patterson is born. Somehow, he has already written three books. 1972 - The Equal Rights Amendment is sent to the states for ratification. When Illinois gets its copy, they are heard to remark, "Bruh, we already got this. We were doin' it way before it was cool." 1997 - Tara Lipinski wins the world figure skating championship at fourteen years old. All your accomplishments are invalid. 2019 - Robert Mueller turns in his report on Donald Trump and the Russians. He says he would've finished it sooner, but his dog ate the first draft, and then his printer broke, and then his grandma died.

Fascinating. And an intriguing hypothesis.

It sounds like you actually might have at least a slight case of face blindness, if not full-on. Still doesn't explain how this is such a common issue, though.

I honestly never understood how people have trouble telling the characters apart. The characters being confused - Nanase and Ellen, Sarah and Susan, Sarah and Diane - look absolutely nothing like each other. Is there a disproportionate number of people suffering from face blindness in the EGS fandom? It's the only explanation I can think of.

On March 21 in History: 867 – King Ælla of Northumbria dies in gruesome and painful fashion. That’s what happens when you execute one of the most infamous viking kings and warriors of all time, and then send an envoy bragging about it to his sons, who are also legendary viking kings and warriors. Allegedly. 1152 – Louis VII of France annuls his marriage to Eleanor of Aquitaine. I feel like a standard issue “He will come to regret this” just isn’t gonna cut it this time. 1556 – Just prior to his execution for heresy, former Archbishop of Canterbury Thomas Cranmer denounces the Pope as the Antichrist. I mean, I guess if you can’t go home, going big is the only option left. 1617 – Amonute, born Matoaka and also known as Pocahontas, dies. This may be as a result of being kidnapped, made to marry one of her abductors, carried across the sea and paraded around in a foreign land full of diseases to which she had no immunity. They won’t show that in the Disney version. 1800 – Pius VII is crowned Pope in Venice instead of Rome, with a tiara made of papier-mâche. There’s a story behind this, but I think it’s actually more fun if left unexplained. 1844 – The Bahá'í Calendar begins retroactively. They are to be commended for being one of the few groups in history sensible enough to begin their calendar on the Vernal Equinox, a day that actually makes sense as the beginning of a new year. 1935 – Reza Shah Pahlavi of Iran: “Hey, would you guys please call us by our name instead of what the Greeks called us 2000 years ago? Thanks.” 1965 – Setting out once more from Selma toward Montgomery, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and several thousand others figure third time’s the charm. 2006 – Twitter is founded. It’s basically a way for any random idiot to share their most banal thoughts with anyone who might be listening. It hasn’t changed much, really.

On March 20 in History: 235 - Maximinus Thrax becomes Roman Emperor. He has the most alien-warmonger-sounding name of all Roman Emperors, beating out Pertinax by a wide margin. 673 - Tenmu takes the throne to become the 40th Emperor of Japan, or the first if you only include ones that were actually referred to as "Emperor of Japan". 1602 - Formation of the Dutch East India Company, the corporation that thought it was a country. Future actual countries will adopt their model of going around the world, taking stuff, and killing anyone who tries to stop them. 1815 - "I'm back, motherf****rs!" ~Napoleon Bonaparte, Paris 1852 - Harriet Beecher Stowe attempts to whitesplain the problems of slavery to the American public. It works, but ends up causing as many long-term problems as it solves. 1854 - The (American) Republican party is formed. It is made up of a bunch of bleeding heart liberals, and strongly opposes the entrenched conservatism of the well-established Democratic party. No, really. 1915 - Albert Einstein publishes his theory of General Relativity - quite possibly the most well-known scientific theory in the world that nobody actually understands. 1915 again - In a not-at-all premature move, Russia and Britain agree how they will divide up the Ottoman Empire between them once the war is over. This includes giving Constantinople - which Britain has spent decades and vast resources, including fighting a war, to keep out of Russian hands - to Russia. 1928 - Mr. Rogers is born. As a direct result, millions of children over several generations will know that they are special just the way they are. Shut up, I'm not crying; you're crying. 1942 - "Ah'll be back." ~ Douglas MacArthur. Apocryphal: "Hasta la vista, Bataan." 1965 - President El B.J. has to send the damn military to Alabama so some protesters can march without their racist douchebag governor's law enforcement beating the shit out of them. 1972 - In Belfast, the Provisional IRA blows up a car for the first time. This is going to be Trouble. 2003 - A U.S.-led coalition invades the nation of Iraq for reasons. 2015 - A solar eclipse, equinox, and supermoon occur on the same day. Astrologers and patrons of Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop merchandise lose their damn minds.