Illjwamh

If you couldn't tell from the final entry, this one was made a few years ago. On March 19 in History: 1279 - A Mongolian victory at the Battle of Yamen effectively ends the Song Dynasty in China. Truly, the day the music died. 1563 - The Edict of Amboise is signed, granting French Huguenots certain freedoms. Not to be confused with the Edict of Framboise, which grants the French peasantry raspberry jam. 1649 - The English House of Commons passes an act abolishing the House of Lords, officially declaring it "useless and dangerous to the people of England". Remarkably, this act does not pass muster in the House of Lords, and so does not become law. 1860 - William Jennings Bryan is born to two monkeys in Salem, Illinois. Free silver is provided as a gift to his family. 1863 - Confederate cruiser SS Georgiana is sunk while carrying over $1,000,000 (at the time) worth of munitions and other cargo. Wait for it... 1918 - The U.S. Congress establishes time zones and daylight saving time, making sure to note that people in the Mountain time zone will always be the last to see anything that comes on TV - whatever that is. 1920 - The U.S. Senate rejects the Treaty of Versailles (for the second time), which is slightly embarrassing since the a lot of the stuff in it was American president Wilson's idea. 1941 - The Tuskegee Airmen, the first all black Army Air Corps unit, are officially activated. Several Academy Award statuettes are - what? George Lucas? Oh, never mind. 1962 - Bob Dylan releases his first album. Despite going on to be one of the most influential creative minds in music over the next fifty years, he cannot think of a better name for this album than "Bob Dylan". 1965 - In one of history's most remarkable coincidences, the SS Georgiana is found by a teenager and future underwater archaeology bigwig. Value at time of discovery? $50,000,000. River banks are the way to go. What's that you say? She was sunk off shore and not in a river? Well, that's just...shut up. 1979 - The U.S. House of Representatives begins broadcasting day-to-day business on C-SPAN. On the same day, medical professionals note that a potential national insomnia epidemic seems to have resolved itself practically overnight. The reason remains unknown. 1982 - Argentina thinks it can go to war with Great Britain. How adorable. 2016 - A man is brutally beaten to death for filling his historical trivia Facebook post with horrible, horrible puns.

On March 18 in History: 37 - The Roman Senate agrees to annul Tiberius's will calling for dual successors. "This Guy called Caligula; we like the cut of his jib." 633 - Abu Bakr successfully corrects the various tribes of Arabia who claimed he was not Mohammad and therefore they didn't owe him anything. 978 - King Edward of England is murdered by somebody or on the orders of somebody but nobody is really sure how or why. He will later be deemed a martyr for similar reasons. 1241 - Mongols sack Krakow. Guys, there were Mongols in Poland. Do you get how crazy that is? Look at a map. Look how far apart they are. 1314 - The last Grand Master of the Knights Templar, Jacques de Molay, is burnt at the stake two years after the destruction and dissolution of his order. King Philip IV of France steeples his fingers and mutters, "Excellent." 1644 - The Third Anglo-Powhatan War begins in Virginia. Both sides are determined there will not be a fourth. 1766 - British Parliament to American colonists: "All right, fine! We'll repeal the Stamp Act! Are you happy now?" They are not happy now. 1845 - Death of Johnny Appleseed. I'm going to assume an apple tree grows over his grave, because if not, the only other explanation is that everything in life is a lie. 1874 - Hawai'i signs an exclusive trade treaty with the United States. They will come to regret this. 1938 - Mexico to all privately owned oil reserves, foreign and domestic: "Yoink!" 1959 - Hawai'i becomes a state. "Okay, that makes an even fifty; let's never do this again." 1968 - The U.S. takes itself off the gold standard. Come on guys, you couldn't wait until tomorrow? It's his birthday! Now you're just being mean. 1990 - Citizens of East Germany vote freely for the first time. Largely, they decide that they don't want to be East Germany anymore. 2017 - Musician Chuck Berry dies. Despite decades of success and innovation, he will always be remembered for stealing his inspiration from a time traveling white kid.

March 17: St. Patrick's Day, a.k.a. Pretend You're Irish Day. On this day in History: 45 BCE - Julius Caesar defeats Titus Labienus and Pompey the Younger at the Battle of Munda. It's his last great victory. He immediately begins planning a secret one-year anniversary celebration the likes of which no one has ever seen. 180 - Commodus becomes Roman Emperor. It's all downhill from here, folks. On a lighter note, he's fond of cosplaying as Hercules and fighting in the Colosseum. Are you not entertained!? 460 - Saint Patrick dies. His physicians suspect he suffered from an overdose of green beer, which faithful the world over still drink on this day to honor him. 763 - Harun al-Rashid is born. If that name's not ringing a bell, it should. The Baghdad House of Wisdom, 1001 Nights, Charlemagne's pet elephant, that was all him. The Venn diagram of his lifetime and the height of the Islamic Golden Age is basically a circle. 1473 - James IV of Scotland is born. He is also known as James -I of England. 1537 - Hideyoshi is born. He is a peasant with no surname. Oh, but don't worry; he'll get one. 1805 - Napoleon forms the Kingdom of Italy with himself as king. Who else? 1861 - The Kingdom of Italy is formed. Everyone is struck with the nagging feeling that they've done this before. 1944 - Cito Gaston is born in San Antonio, Texas, a fact which Torontonians will one day come to overlook. 1950 - Element 98 is created by researchers at UC Berkeley, who name it californium. This narrowly beats out their other ideas: berkelium, newthingium, and whothehellarewekiddingium. 1959 - Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama, is forced to flee Tibet. He is pursued by the crown prince of the Fire Nation. 1966 - A missing American hydrogen bomb is found off the coast of Spain. Embarrassed Pentagon officials are overheard saying, "One down..." 1968 - In a truly remarkable coincidence, actor Matthew St. Patrick is born. How old do you think he was when he figured out all the celebrations weren't for him? 1979 - Stormy Daniels is born. One day everyone in America will know her name! 1992 - A referendum is passed in South Africa by a ratio of 68.7% to 31.2% to end apartheid. White South Africans are shocked to learn that over 30 % of them are assholes.

On March 16 in History: 597 BCE - Babylon captures Jerusalem, installing a new king. This is a textbook example of what historians refer to as "trendsetting". 37 - Celebrated Roman emperor Tiberius dies. His successor is slightly less popular. 1521 - Magellan and his crew reach the Philippine Islands. So close! So close he can taste it! 1621 - A Mohegan native name Samoset freaks the shit out of the Plymouth settlers by greeting them in English. Even though this meant giving up a potential advantage over them, he later remarked that just seeing their reactions was "Totally worth it." 1935 - Adolf Hitler orders the rearmament of Germany in violation of the Treaty of Versailles. Other signatories take note and say, "I'm sure it's nothing." 1968 - The good guys rape and murder several innocent civilians in a Vietnamese village called My Lai. A single man is punished by having to stay in his house for a couple of years. The few soldiers who tried to stop the massacre are derided as traitors. Ameeeeericaaaaaa! 1995 - Mississippi ratifies the thirteenth amendment abolishing slavery. Experts agree this is is one of the most extreme cases of "Better late than never" they have ever encountered. 2014 - The people of Crimea vote in a fair and open referendum to leave Ukraine and join the country that is currently taking over after invading them.

On March 15 in History: 44 BCE - Julius Caesar is stabbed to death by a bunch of people. Despite being brutally murdered, he still has the wherewithal to toss off a one-liner to his former best friend - who is stabbing him. 1493 - Christopher Columbus returns to Spain. Despite being greeted by members of the Spanish court, he is convinced he has arrived on the Moon. 1767 - Andrew Jackson, America's first lunatic president, is born. Given the date, and his penchant for basing policy decisions on personal grudges, many have theorized he was the deranged reincarnation of Julius Caesar, back for revenge. And by "many", I mean me. 1820 - Maine becomes a state. The 23rd, to be precise. On a less positive note, it was done so the people of Missouri could keep their slaves. Yay, politics! 1877 - First official cricket test match is played between England and Australia in Melbourne. It's still going on. 1917 - Nicholas II abdicates the Russian throne. He is later executed along with his entire family and everyone in his household staff, presumably by Keyser Soze. 1939 - Carpatho-Ukraine declares itself an independent state. Presumably to allow them to save face, Hungary waited a full 24 hours before annexation. 1961 - South Africa withdraws from the Commonwealth. They come back later when they realize that's where all the cool countries hang out. 1990 - Mikhail Gorbachev is elected the first President of the Soviet Union. Also the last. Contrary to how it sounds, that means he did a fantastic job. 2011 - Syrian Civil War begins. U.S. pundits and politicians use the opportunity to criticize President Barack Obama for intervening, and also for not intervening.

On March 14 in History: 44 BCE - Casca and Cassius decide that even though they're going to kill Caesar tomorrow, Mark Antony should be left alive. They will come to regret this. 1782 - At the Battle of Wuchale, Emperor Tekle Giyorgis I of Ethiopia tells a group of discontented Oromo to sit down and shut up. 1794 - Eli Whitney patents the cotton gin. I have now provided you with at least 20% of what you will need to pass your 7th grade social studies test. 1879 - An infant Albert Einstein arrives from 600 years in the future. He will spend his life trying to figure out how to get back. 1883 - For the value he created, the world repays Karl Marx with death. Typical. 1900 - U.S. currency is bound to the value of gold, thereby crucifying mankind, which isn't melodramatic at all. Oho! Two William Jennings Bryan jokes in one week! Let me just don my monocle whilst I puff on this calabash pipe. 1951 - UN troops recapture Seoul for the second time. Once more and they get a free sandwich! 1964 - Jack Ruby is found guilty of murdering Lee Harvey Oswald, presumably after the jury is shown footage of him murdering Lee Harvey Oswald on live television. 2018 - Stephen Hawking dies, after stretching a prognosis of two years to live into 55. One can only assume the warping effect of black holes on the nature of space-time was involved.

On March 13 in History: 624 - The Battle of Badr between his followers and the leaders of Mecca ensures that Mohammad's new faith is not going anywhere. In fact, y'all might wanna think about just getting with the program. 1591 - Despite being outnumbered 5 to 1, Moroccan forces defeat the armies of the Songhai Empire at the Battle of Tondibi. The troop losses are overshadowed only by the huge kick in the nuts to their pride and morale. 1697 - Nojpetén, capital of Petén Itzá, falls, the last independent Maya kingdom to be conquered by the Spanish. Ah, but revenge is a dish best served cold. Very, very cold. 1781 - Astronomer William Herschel discovers your butthole. Wait, what? That can't possibly be right. 1809 - Gustav IV Adolf of Sweden is kicked off the throne by his own officers for losing control of Finland to Russia. "We like a guy who doesn't lose half the kingdom." 1865 - The Confederate States of America - whom, you may recall, exist on the sole premise that white people are superior to black people, who are fit only for slavery - decides that maybe black people aren't too inferior to be soldiers after all and holy crap we need as many as we can get right now they're kicking our asses. 1911 - L. Ron Hubbard...returns to Earth? Awakens from his trillion-year soul sleep? Emerges from a pod? I don't know what weird shit they think happened. 1988 - Japan opens the Seikan Tunnel between the islands of Honshu and Hokkaido. It is the longest undersea tunnel in the world. The resulting embarrassment is enough to prompt England and France to finally finish that one they've been talking about for almost 200 years. 2013 - Pope Francis is elected. On the one hand, he's very progressive for a Church figure, particularly one ranked so high. On the other hand, he is still Catholic.

On March 12 in History: 538 - The king of the Ostrogoths, one Vitiges, gives up his siege of Rome and trudges back to his capital in Ravenna. "I'll get you next time, Gadget! Next time!" 1507 - Cesare Borgia, son of a Pope, inspiration for Machiavelli's "The Prince", and living proof that crime and debauchery do in fact pay very well, is stabbed in a corridor and left to die naked on the floor. Karma, bitches. 1894 - Some guy in Vicksburg, Mississippi mixes some cocaine and kola nut extract with soda water and sells it. Whatever floats your boat, I guess. 1918 - Moscow to Saint Petersburg: "It's mine again!" 1933 - FDR addresses the nation via radio for the first time. People listening by their fireplaces seem reassured; maybe he should do this more often? 1938 - Germany to Austria: "Yoink." 1943 - Stanislav Galić and Ratko Mladić, two future Bosnian Serb war criminal commanders of the Army of Republika Srpska, are born on the same day. Convenient for any future time travelers. 1947 - Harry S Truman: "We've gotta stop this Communism thing, guys." 1968 - Mauritius attains independence from the UK. Shots! 1992 - Having taken their sweet time about it, Mauritius becomes a republic. 1993 - North Korea decides the Treaty on the Non-Proliferation of Nuclear Weapons just isn't for them. 1999 - Poland, Hungary, and the Czech Republic join NATO, which is kind of like several prominent former Yankees signing with the Red Sox. 2009 - Ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff pleads guilty to charges that he made off with $18 billion of other people's money. 2011 - Fukushima Daiichi Nuclear Power Plant: "Hey guys, remember that earthquake yesterday? Well, I don't feel so good..." 2015 - Terry Pratchett took Death's arm and followed him through the doors and on to the black desert under the endless night. The formatting won't let me write in smallcaps.

On March 11 in History: 222 - Emperor Elagabalus and his mother are murdered by his own Praetorian Guard, mutilated, and thrown into the Tiber River. I'm just spitballing here, but it may have had something to do with his decision to replace the traditional Roman religion with some weird new sex cult worshiping some Syrian sun god. Or maybe they didn't like his haircut; I don't know. 1708 - Queen Anne refuses to give royal assent to a bill (essentially vetoing it) that would have armed the Scottish militia. This in itself isn't noteworthy, but it will be the last time a British monarch ever does this. Though technically, any still could if they wanted to. Along with unilaterally declaring war, dissolving parliament, killing anyone they want without legal repercussions, and a whole slew of other things that make me hope Charles is as levelheaded as his mother. 1824 - The U.S. government creates the Bureau of Indian Affairs under the Department of War, which really tells you all you need to know. 1879 - Shō Tai abdicates as King of Ryukyu, dissolving the kingdom forever. He does so under orders from the Japanese government, who afterwords remark, "I can't believe that worked." 1936 - Antonin Scalia bursts into being when the god Hephaestus cracks open the corpse of William Jennings Bryan's head. 1941 - FDR signs the Lend-Lease act, which will allow the U.S. to "loan" war supplies to Allied nations in World War II. We're still not getting involved though, no siree. 1990 - Lithuania, amidst a veritable swarm of déjà vu, declares independence from the Soviet Union. "And no backsies this time; we mean it!" 2006 - A mere 16 years after getting their democracy back, Chile elects Michelle Bachelet as their first female president. Meanwhile, the U.S. is 217 and counting. 2011 - A 9.0 earthquake rocks the shit out of Sendai, and causes the second worst nuclear disaster ever. The Japanese respond with swift action and random acts of heroism. Meanwhile, in Korea, everyone's convinced they're all going to get cancer now.

On March 10 in History: 241 BCE - In the Battle of the Aegates at the end of the First Punic War, the Carthaginians discover to their horror that the Romans have figured out how to navy. 1452 - Ferdinand (later the second of Aragon) is born. A pair of trousers meant as a gift are mistakenly delivered to princess Isabella of Castile. 1606 - Susenyos I defeats his rival Yaqob I at the battle of Gol, becoming Emperor of Ethiopia. Yes, there are indeed things happening outside Europe at this time. Crazy, right? 1629 - Charles I of England realizes that he can rule perfectly well all by himself, thank you very much, and gets rid of Parliament. What were they really doing, anyway? 1864 - Deciding he's had enough of incompetent blowhards, Abraham Lincoln appoints Ulysses S. Grant to command the Union army with orders to just get this whole thing over with already. 1876 - Alexander Graham Bell successfully talks to another person over distance by means of some technical contraption. By George, he's some kind of wizard! 1959 - The Chinese government invites the Dalai Lama over for tea. It's seriously no big deal. You don't have to freak out or anything. 1977 - After spending decades trying to quash juvenile "Uranus" jokes, astronomers around the world collectively facepalm upon discovering there are rings around it. It's never going away now. 1993 - A man who claims to hold life sacred murders a doctor in cold blood and is implicitly lauded by organized groups of people who label themselves "pro-life". In other news, a famous vegetarian strangles and eats a kitten on live television and is cheered by animal rights activists. 1997 - The WB television network is never going to last if the best thing it can come up with is a show about a teenage girl who kills vampires. 2017 - South Korean President Park Geun-hye is formally removed from office after the country's Constitutional Court unanimously upholds her impeachment. See how easy that is? I wonder if there are any other countries with incompetent leaders mired in corruption scandals that could learn from this?

On March 9 in History: 141 BCE - Emperor Wu of Han (who was known as Liu Che while he was alive) takes the throne. Entire people will live and die with him on the throne; his 54 year record won't be broken for over 18 centuries. Not a bad gig if you can get it. 1454 - Ser Nastagio Vespucci of Florence and his wife Lisabetta Mini welcome their latest son, and in so doing inadvertently name half the world. 1568 - Ferrante de Gonzaga, Marquis of Castiglione, and his wife Marta Tana di Santena welcome their eldest son Aloysius, and in so doing inadvertently name the only part of Spokane anyone knows or talks about. 1776 - Adam Smith publishes "The Wealth of Nations", which is basically the "Atlas Shrugged" of its day. You know all those rich assholes who say everything would be better if the government just left them alone? You can thank Smith for them. 1841 - The U.S. Supreme Court rules that a group of captive Africans who had forcefully taken over the slave ship Amistad had acted legally and within their rights. Wait, so then what about...what? 1944 - Soviet forces bomb Talinn, Estonia, making it one of the few nations to be bombed and invaded by both sides in the war. Yay! 1987 - Tiny Bow Wow is born. 1997 - An eclipse allows the Hale-Bopp Comet to be seen during the day by observers in China, Mongolia, and Siberia. No word on how this celestial event affected local firebenders. 1997 again - The Notorious B.I.G. is shot four times while stopped at a red light. The case remains unsolved, and while this may or may not be related to the death of Tupac Shakur, who was shot four times while stopped at a red light, the fact remains that this is why we can't have nice things.

Man, I got all distracted and stuff and now I have to do two in one day. On March 8 in History: 1495 - John of God is born in Portugal. Dang, someone's parents think a lot of him. 1550 - John of God dies. Well shit, happy birthday. 1658 - In the Treaty of Roskilde, Frederick III of Denmark-Norway has to give half his kingdom to Sweden in order to keep the other half. Sweden, meanwhile, is one hole on their punch card away from a free Norway! 1702 - Anne, younger sister of now-dead Mary II, becomes Queen of England, Scotland, and Ireland. That's too many things. We're gonna have to start consolidating some of this. 1722 - The Safavid dynasty is defeated and Iran's empire thrown into chaos by an army from Afghanistan in the Battle of Gulnabad. Iranians fall back on their usual policy for when this sort of thing happens: "If we lose one, we'll just make another one." 1736 - Nader Shah founds the Afsharid dynasty in Iran. He will eventually extend Iran's reach to its greatest height since the Sassanids, way back before Islam. See? Told you. 1782 - Pennsylvanian militiamen, angered by raids carried out by Native American war bands, massacre a bunch of non-related Native Americans from Gnadenhutten, Ohio who had nothing to do with it, and an American tradition is born. 1844 - Oscar I becomes king of Sweden-Norway. We've missed a step in here somewhere. 1920 - Syria is now a thing. If they're lucky, they might just be able to hang on for a full 100 years! 1930 - U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice William Howard Taft dies. Oh, I guess he was also president once for a little while. 1935 - Hachikō dies. *sniff* What's that you ask? Why am I bothering to mention the death of a dog? You get out of here! You get out of here and don't come back! 1965 - The first U.S. land forces, totaling 3,500 marines, arrive in Vietnam. They'll be done and back home before you know it. 2014 - Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 disappears, and to this day nobody except Amelia Earhart has any idea what happened to it.

More likely it will be Ellen's "birthday" party. As for Q&A, I don't mind them in theory, but they always go on for way too long. Mostly though, my comment was about how exciting and interesting that next story sounds, and my desire to get to it right away.

From the commentary: Holy crap, can we just skip the Q&A and go straight to that already?

On March 7 in History: 161 - Marcus Aurelius (along with some other guy who doesn't last long) becomes Roman Emperor. Is anyone else worried that he's called the "last good emperor"? That sounds ominous. 1876 - Alexander Graham Bell is granted a patent for his "far away sound machine". When we say it in Greek it'll sound better. 1936 - Germany reoccupies the Rhineland even though they're expressly not allowed to do that. Is anyone going to do anything about this? Anyone? 1964 - Newborn Wanda Sykes sasses the doctor that tries to spank her. 1965 - 600 civil rights activists are brutally attacked by police in what I can only assume is a backwards, banana republic dictatorship. What? The United States? That can't be right! Oh, Alabama. Yeah, that checks out. 1999 - Stanley Kubrick dies, though it remains possible that this is all part of an elaborate and meticulously planned hoax. 2007 - The British House of Commons decides the House of Lords needs to be 100% elected. No word yet on what the House of Lords has to say about this, though I bet I can guess.

On March 6 in History: 12 BCE - Caesar Augustus is made Pontifex Maximus, because nothing says free republic like having one guy be the de facto head of state AND official head of the state religion. 1204 - King John of England loses control of Normandy to Phillip II of France. One might note that Phillip's regnal epithet (Auguste) roughly means "majestic", while John's (sanz Terre) means "has no land". 1521 - Magellan arrives at Guam. He doesn't even bother pretending to hope it's the East Indies for reals this time. 1820 - James Monroe signs the Missouri compromise into law. Black people in Missouri can't seem to get excited about it. While it's not perfect, it keeps the free North and the slave South from coming to blows. Because damn, that'd be awkward. 1834 - York, the capital of Upper Canada, becomes Toronto, which - let's face it - is just a better name all around. 1836 - After a 13 day siege, the 3,000 strong Mexican army overtake and kill the 187 defenders of some mission in southern Texas - I just can't for the LIFE of me remember what it was called. 1857 - The Supreme Court of the United States makes its worst decision in history in the case of Dred Scott v. Sandford. Even modern attempts to outdo the horrible judgement displayed here, such as Citizens United v. FEC, fall short. 1964 - Boxing champion Cassius Clay is given the name Mohammad Ali. It's rumored he chose this name because the rhyme and cadence fit well with "sting like a bee". 1967 Joseph Stalin's daughter Svetlana Alliluyeva defects to the United States. Even in death, that's gotta be a little embarrassing for him. 1975 - Iran and Iraq reach an agreement regarding their border dispute. It lasts forever. 1981 - Walter Cronkite signs off for the last time. TV news enters a steady decline from which it will never recover. 2015 - The Dawn spacecraft enters orbit around Ceres. That's right; there's a dwarf planet between Mars and Jupiter you've never heard of. What else aren't they telling you? And that's the way it was.

On March 5 in History: 363 - The Roman Emperor, Julian, marches east from Antioch in a campaign against the Sassanid Persian Empire. Napoleon Bonaparte will later comment how badly this was bungled. 1279 - The last pagan kingdom in Europe, the Grand Duchy of Lithuania, says GTFO once again to The Livonian Order at the Battle of Aizkraukle. It's almost like they don't want to be forced to worship a foreign god. Weird. 1616 - 73 years after being published, Nicolaus Copernicus's book, On the Revolutions of the Heavenly Spheres, is banned by the Catholic Church for being very naughty. Apparently some guy named Galileo read it and started getting crazy ideas. 1770 - Five Americans are shot by British troops in Boston. This, combined with other things, eventually incites a revolution. See, there was no NRA in those days to tell everyone to calm down. 1839 - Charlotte Bronte writes a letter to Reverend Henry Nussey, turning down his marriage proposal. She claimed he would find her too "romantic and eccentric" - not practical for a clergyman's wife. This may be the first documented case of "It's not you, it's me." 1933 - Adolf Hitler and the Nazi Party do not win the popular vote (only 43.9%), but establish a dictatorship anyway. That's so crazy. Good thing nothing like that could ever happen here, eh? Eh? 1953 - Joseph Stalin dies. I don't have a joke or anything, I just wanted to type that. 1963 - Founders of the company Wham-O patent a hoop. They laugh all the way to the bank, all the way back home, and for the rest of their lives. Other notable patents from the company include a plate, a rubber ball, a wet tarp, and a bean bag. 1970 - The Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty goes into effect, meaning countries are no longer allowed to research, pursue, or produce nuclear weapons. Unless they already have some, in which case: go nuts!

On March 4 in History: 1152 - Frederick Barbarossa is elected King of Germany. Or, as I like to call him, Freddy Redbeard. 1193 - Death of Saladin, one of those exquisitely rare individuals of history who actually know what the f*** they're doing. 1461 - Henry VI of England is deposed by Edward IV in the Wars of the Roses. If that plural didn't clue you in, he'll be back. 1493 - Christopher Columbus arrives in Lisbon after returning from his first voyage. "Guys, guys, you'll never believe what I found!" 1519 - Hernán Cortés arrives in what is now Mexico, seeking the Aztecs and their fabled wealth. In Tenochtitlan, many portents of doom are either overlooked or misread. 1789 - Congress meets for the first time in New York City, making it the de facto capital. This is a fact I can only assume most New Yorkers are blissfully unaware of, or else they'd never shut up about it. 1861 - The Confederate States of America adopts their first national flag, and it's not the one you're thinking of. 1865 - The Confederate States of America adopts their third - wait, THIRD? - national flag. Good lord, no wonder you lost; get your shit together down there. 1917 - Jeannette Rankin of Montana is the first female member of the U.S. House of Representatives. For those keeping score, women can't even vote yet. 1933 - Secretary of Labor Frances Perkins is the first woman to serve in a U.S. cabinet position. Look at us, makin' progress all over the place. Before you know it, we'll have a female president! 1966 - John Lennon declares the Beatles "more popular than Jesus". The fact that no one in the UK was bothered by this indicates to me that he is correct. 2018 - Former British spy and Russian defector Sergei Skripal and his daughter are poisoned with a nerve agent at a public bench. Vladimir Putin would like everyone to know that he has no idea what you're talking about. 2019 - Death of Luke Perry, which I literally found out about just now, so why not put it on here. No joke for this one, as I think "the same day" definitely qualifies as "too soon". RIP, sir.

On March 3 in History: 1575 - Mughal emperor Akbar defeats his Bengali enemies at the Battle of Tukaroi. It wasn't a trap. 1820 - The Missouri Compromise is passed, drawing out the official rules as to where it is and is not okay for a person to own another person. It solves everything. 1845 - The U.S. government admits Florida as a state. They regret the decision to this day. 1861 - Tsar Alexander II frees all serfs in Russia. Is it a coincidence that this happens a day before Abraham Lincoln is to take office in the United States, as the beginnings of civil war there are beginning to unfold? Perhaps. Does this make America's situation even more embarrassing? One could argue. Side note: Alexander called his decree the "Emancipation Manifesto." Coincidence abounds. 1875 - The first ever organized indoor ice hockey game takes place in Montreal, Canada. A nation is truly born. 1918 - The Treaty of Brest-Litovsk formally ends Russia's involvement in World War I, and ends their claims to Poland, Finland, Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Belarus and Ukraine. Quoth a young Joseph Stalin: "Yeah. Sure. Uh-huh." 1923 - Time Magazine is published for the first...TIME. Eh? Eh? ...I'll see myself out. 1924 - The 600 year-old Ottoman Empire and Islamic caliphate is broken apart, giving rise to the modern nation of Turkey. I'm trying really hard to think of a pun on either the country or its founder, Ataturk, that's not racist. Comin' up empty. PLANE CRASH LIGHTNING ROUND! 1953 - Canadian Pacific Air Lines in Karachi, Pakistan. 11 dead. 1972 - Mohawk Airlines flight in Albany, New York. 17 dead. 1974 - Turkish Airlines flight in Ermenonville, France. 346 dead. END OF LIGHTING ROUND 2005 - Steve Fossett becomes the first person to fly a plane solo nonstop around the world without refueling. That he would do it on this day means one of two things must be true: either he is not superstitious, or he has BALLS OF STEEL.

On March 2 in History: 274 - Mani dies in gruesome fashion. His followers will make a good run of it, but they're hampered by Jesus's two hundred year head start. Still, the world was almost very different. 537 - The Siege of Rome begins. As usual, Goths are on one side and Romans on the other. Does it even matter who's attacking and who's defending at this point? You know we're just going to do it a half dozen more times anyway. 1444 -Albanian leader Skanderbeg organizes a resistance group against the Ottomans at Lezhë. Pfft. His greatest task will be not facing the Ottomans, but keeping his group together. 1657 - In Edo (Tokyo), the Great Fire of Meireki begins. It will last for three days and kill over a hundred thousand people. That's what happens when you build your entire city out of wood, which - I don't know if you know this - is highly flammable. 1793 - Sam Houston is born. Wait for it... 1807 - The U.S. Congress disallows the importation of slaves. If you want more, you'll have to breed them here. That's not going to further dehumanize them or anything, is it? 1836 - Texas declares its independence from Mexico. Happy birthday, Sam. 1877 - The U.S. House of Representatives awards the presidential election to Rutherford B. Hayes, even though his opponent Samuel Tilden had won the popular vote. You're telling me that in 140 years we still haven't fixed that problem? Oh, and the inauguration is in two days, so nothing like waiting until the last minute, eh? 1904 - Every Who down in Whoville, the tall and the small, sings welcome to the baby who created them all. 1933 - King Kong comes to New York. In it, people watch King Kong come to New York. 1965 - Operation Rolling Thunder begins in North Vietnam after one officer suggests, "Why don't we just bomb the shit out of them?" 1983 - CDs are released outside Japan for the first time. They'll never catch on.

On March 1 in History: 293 - Co-emperors Diocletian and Maximian appoint Constantius Chlorus and Galerius to be their junior emprerors, or Caesars, and split the empire into four pieces. A move to establish stability in imperial administration that will surely not fall apart the moment the only far-thinking and responsible one among them who came up with it in the first place dies. 1562 - 63 Huguenots are killed in the French town of Wassy. I have a bad feeling the fallout from this is going to be huge. 1565 - Rio, baby! 1628 - Charles I of England declares that all counties must pay a ship tax. Yes, all of them, whether they have ports or not. Why did they call him a tyrant, again? 1692 - Three women are brought before magistrates in Salem, Massachusetts on charges of witchcraft. Whoa, we'd better nip this nonsense in the bud before it gets completely out of hand. 1700 - In an attempt to ease the transition from Julian to Gregorian, Sweden institutes its own interim "Swedish Calendar". Look, guys, you're making this a lot more complicated than it has to be. 1712 - Okay, this is too confusing. Back to Julian. Whose bright idea was this, anyway? 1753 - All right, this is getting ridiculous. This time we're going straight to Gregorian. Cold Turkey! No complaining! 1781 - The Articles of Confederation are adopted by the Continental Congress. An enlightened document that will guide this new nation for centuries to come. 1815 - "I'm back, bithces!" ~Napoleon Bonaparte, probably. 1845 - John Tyler signs a bill that will allow the U.S. to annex Texas. Mysteriously, all those clamoring that Tyler is not really the president do not object. 1867 - Nebraska becomes a state, and changes the name of its capital from Lancaster to Lincoln. Partly in honor of President Lincoln, and partly because there are already WAY too many Lancasters in the U.s. Seriously, google it. 1869 - Dmitri Mendeleev submits his newly completed table of elements for publications. When asked if he is going to provide updates periodically, he replies, "No, guys, that's not what I meant." 1893 - Nikola Tesla gives the first demonstration of radio in St. Louis. Seriously, why do we not have statues of this man like, everywhere? 1896 - In the Battle of Adwa, Ethiopian forces soundly defeat the Italian invaders, putting a definitive end to their attempts at colonialism. For now. Italians glare menacingly and crack their knuckles to ominous background music. 1919 - Several Koreans gather to formally and politely declare that they intend to declare independence from Japanese occupation, thank you very much. They inform the authorities of their actions and whereabouts and are arrested. Elsewhere, several more Koreans are a little less formal and polite about it, and many are more than arrested, if you catch my meaning. 1932 - Charles Lindbergh's baby son is kidnapped, and the entire country flips its shit in what historians believe is the first documented incident of Missing White Kid Syndrome. 1936 - The Hoover Dam is finished. We are as gods, bending the forces of nature to our every whim! 1941 - Bulgaria joins the Axis Powers. It seemed like a good idea at the time. 1983 - Lupita Nyong'o is born. Several awards of all types are prepared in advance. 1992 - Bosnia and Herzegovina declare independence from Yugoslavia, but never from each other.

I didn't want to wait until next year. On February 29 in History: 1504 - Further cementing his place among history's all time greatest douchebags, Christopher Columbus uses foreknowledge of a lunar eclipse to con Jamaican natives into giving him a bunch of stuff. 1796 - The Jay Treaty gets Great Britain to more or less leave the fledgling U.S. alone for the next ten years - after which time they decide they need some sailors. 1916 - South Carolina raises the minimum working age for mills, factories, mines, etc. from 12 to 14. Because come on; they're not monsters. 1940 - Hattie McDaniel becomes the first African American to win an Academy Award. White people in Hollywood assume this makes them square. They will (much) later be disabused of this notion. 1988 - Desmond Tutu (along with a hundred or so others) is arrested for having the gall to demand equal treatment for black people in South Africa. 2012 - Tokyo Skytree is completed. A great symbol of economic strength and prosperity, along with a fantastic feat of engineering, it's hard to imagine it's much more than sticking their tongue out at China, whose Canton Tower is no longer the tallest tower in the world. It was hard to find good stuff for today. It's almost as if this day doesn't occur as often as other days on the calendar. But that's ridiculous.

On February 28 in History: 202 BCE - A one-time Chinese peasant founds a dynasty that will last roughly 400 years and give its name to an entire ethnicity. Not bad I guess, but if he wants to impress me, let's see him put 20 McNuggets in his mouth. 1827 - The Baltimore and Ohio Railroad company is incorporated, transporting both freight and passengers for the first time. More importantly, this makes 1/4 of the Monopoly board complete. 1885 - American Bell Telephone gives birth to a child that will one day grow up to eat it. 1939 - The non-word "dord", which doesn't and never did mean anything, is discovered in the dictionary, where it had been included by mistake several years before. Numerous regional and national Scrabble championships are retroactively re-scored. 1980 - By way of referendum, Andalusia officially approves its Statute of Autonomy, establishing its regional autonomy within Spain. Notably, Andalusian citizens taking part in the vote are not beaten and detained by federal police. 1983 - More people watch the last episode of M*A*S*H than have ever watched a series finale before or ever will again. This sounds impressive, until you realize that the only other thing on is a mashed potato presidential look-alike competition. 1993 - Officers of the ATF prepare to operate a routine search warrant for suspected illegal weapons at the compound of an obscure religious sect in Waco, Texas. Shouldn't take long. 2013 - Benedict XVI decides he doesn't want to be Pope anymore. He's the first Pope to quit in 598 years - it's been so long that most people weren't even aware he could do that. Does this mean that he was only temporarily infallible? Could things he said while Pope suddenly become wrong? How does this work?

On February 27 in History: 272 – Constantine is born a pagan. I just love reminding him; it rankles him so much. 380 - Theodosius I and his two co-emperors declare that they would like all Roman citizens to adopt Christianity. Romans everywhere suddenly realize that they fervently believe in the power of Jesus to save them - from being executed by the emperor. 1700 - The island of New Britain is discovered off the coast of New Guinea. When informed by natives that the island already had a name, English explorer William Dampier remarked, "Oh come now, don't be ridiculous." 1801 - Washington D.C. is placed under the jurisdiction of the U.S. Congress. The city's mayor is still allowed to select the theme for prom. 1807 - Paul Revere's publicist engineers the birth of poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. 1933 - The Reichstag Building is burned, supposedly by communists. The German government uses the outrage as justification for the suspension of civil liberties in the interest of national security. I can't really think of a reason to put this on here, but if a situation ever comes up where this would be useful to know, I want to be prepared. 1988 – Azerbaijani citizens in the town of Sumgait go around beating, killing, and looting ethnic Armenians in the streets and even their own homes. I wonder if this will ever come back to bite them in the ass. 2003 – Everyone loses a neighbor when Mr. Rogers dies. I don't have something in my eye; I'm crying, because feelings are important and we need to let ourselves feel them! 2015 - Leonard Nimoy dies after a long and prosperous life.

On February 26 in History: 1233 - The Mongols capture Kaifeng, the capital of the Jin Dynasty. Bet you wish you were unified with the rest of China now, eh? 1616 - Galileo is kicked out of the Church for talking about the Earth going around the Sun, which somehow disrupts the word of Jesus or something, I guess. 1815 - Napoleon escapes his exile on Elba, because of course he does. 1876 - The Japanese, having been forced into an unequal trade treaty with America and the West 23 years ago, forces Korea into an unequal trade treaty. 1914 - The HMHS Britannic, sister ship to the doomed Titanic, is launched from Belfast. This time we've worked all the kinks out, we swear. 1935 - Adolf Hitler orders the reconstruction of an air force even though he's explicitly not allowed to do that, and nobody does anything to stop him because of course they don't. 1952 - Vincent Massey is the first Canadian-born Governor General of Canada, a job which basically means, "Proxy representative for a ceremonial figurehead." Yaaaaay. 1992 - Hundreds of ethnic Azerbaijanis are murdered outside the town of Khojaly in the disputed Nagorno-Karabakh region by Armenians, of all people, whom you'd think would know better. 1993 - A truck bomb parked under the North Tower of the World Trade Center in New York explodes, injuring thousands and killing six people. A terrorist attack at the WTC? Unthinkable! The nation's people are shaken, and then almost immediately forget about it and go on about their business. 2012 - 17 year old Trayvon Martin is shot by neighborhood watchman George Zimmerman for the offense of buying Skittles while wearing a hoodie.