Illjwamh

On February 25 in History: 628 - Just ten days after celebrating 38 years on the throne, Khosrau II is overthrown by his son. He is the last king of Sassanid Persia to rule for more than several months, which really should tell you all you need to know. 1336 - The four thousand Lithuanian pagan defenders at Pilėnai decide to burn everything they own and commit mass suicide rather than surrender their belongings and themselves to Christ's Love. Christ's Love is the nickname given to the crusading army intent on slaughtering them, looting their possessions, and forcing the surviving prisoners to convert to Christianity. 1870 - Hiram Rhodes Revels of Mississippi (which, you might recall, allowed the ownership of people as recently as five years ago) becomes the first African-American to sit in the U.S. Congress after being sworn in as a senator. White Mississippians, mostly unable to vote due to that whole "armed rebellion" thing, decry the development as "political correctness gone mad". 1932 - A fellow by the name of Adolf Hitler becomes a naturalized German citizen, allowing him to run for president. His candidacy is treated as nothing more than a punchline by reporters and late night talk show hosts. 1945 - Turkey declares war on Nazi Germany, then tries to pretend to the other Allied Powers that they were there the whole time. 2004 - Mel Gibson premiers the most commercially successful snuff film in history.

On February 24 in History: 1582 - Pope Gregory XIII announces a new, more accurate method of recording the days, months, and years. Mark your calendars! No, not those; weren't you listening? 1803 - In the U.S., the Supreme Court decides that the Supreme Court is able to decide whether a law is constitutional or not. This is not explicitly mentioned in the constitution, but luckily the Supreme Court is there to determine that it is implied, which they are now allowed to do, because they said so. 1809 - The Drury Lane Theatre in London burns to the ground. Many put the blame on an oven fire at the Muffin Man's next door. 1831 - In the Treaty of Dancing Rabbit Creek, the Choctaw in Mississippi cede their land east of the river in exchange for lands west of the river, to be ceded at a later date. 1848 - King Louis-Philippe of France decides he doesn't want to be King of France anymore. I mean, who can blame him? He flees the capital in a cab under the name "Mr. Smith." No, really. 1917 - Britain passes a note to America that they got from Germany who was trying to pass it to Mexico. It offered to give Mexico a bunch of stuff America took from them once if Mexico would start a fight with America so that America couldn't help Britain against Germany. Awkwaaaard. 1918 - Estonia declares independence. Free from Russia forever! I feel like I've made this joke before... 1942 - The Canadian government decides it's going to intern its Japanese citizens too, just in case anyone thought they had the moral high ground on this one. 1946 - A fellow named Juan Perón is elected president of Argentina. Keep your eye on this guy; he might be going places. His wife seems pretty cool, too. 1983 - U.S. Congress, re: Japanese interment: "Yeah, we really shouldn't have done that. That was bad and wrong." 1991 - The ground assault begins in the First Gulf War. Bonus points for everyone if you finish the whole thing in four days!

On February 23 in History: 303 - Emperor Diocletian orders the destruction of a Christian church in Nicomedia, kicking off eight years of anti-Christianing. 532 - Emperor Justinian orders construction of a new basilica in Constantinople, which will be the greatest and most famous in the world. We know it as the Hagia Sophia. Upon issuing the order, Justinian is reported to have said, "Suck my balls, Diocletian." 1455 - According to tradition, the first Gutenberg Bible is printed. Ironically, this is also traditionally considered the dawn of the Age of Reason, which the church would condemn as heresy for most of the next few centuries. 1778 - Friedrich Wilhelm Ludolf Gerhard Augustin von Steuben (or, more simply, Baron von Steuben) arrives at Valley Forge to train the Continental Army. He easily beats out the Marquis de Lafayette for foreign officer whose name is most fun to say. 1836 - In San Antonio, a great battle begins between Texan settlers and the Mexican army. I can't remember the name of it. 1896 - Tootsie rolls are invented. Within hours, thousands of children across the country are convinced deer droppings taste like chocolate. 1903 - Cuba leases Guantanamo Bay to the United States indefinitely, despite the American government saying they can't imagine what they would ever do with it. 1917 - The February Revolution begins in St. Petersburg, Russia. Talk about leaving it to the last minute; the month is practically over. 1945 - Five marines and a navy corpsman raise a flag for the second time on Iwo Jima and are famous forever. Also the Polish city of Poznan and the Philippine capital of Manila are liberated, but those don't make for good photo ops. 1954 - The first mass inoculation against Polio is performed in Pittsburgh, putting us on the road to being entirely rid of the disease until a reality star and former Playmate decides she knows better than doctors. 1994 - Actress Dakota Fanning is born. Several Academy Award statuettes are prepared in advance.

This one's a day behind, because I literally lost a day to the international date line. On February 22 in History: 705 - Wu Zetian says, "All right, Tang, I've had my fun. You all can go back to what you were doing." 1495 - Charles VIII of France marches into Naples without a fight and says, "I'm your king now." The city says, "All right, then." The rest of the kingdom, the other Italian states, Spain, and the Holy Roman Empire, not so much. 1511 - Baby prince Henry dies, and with him the future of the Tudor dynasty, Catholicism in England, two queens, and probably a whole mess of other things. 1732 - George Washington is born. A perfect excuse for a mattress sale! 1847 - 5,000 American troops defeat 15,000 Mexicans at the Battle of Buena Vista. Disney will later name their distribution company after this. 1856 - The very first national convention of the U.S. Republican Party. Oh, if they only knew what horrors awaited them in their future. 1862 - Jefferson Davis is inaugurated as President of the Confederate States of America for a six year term. Hahaha, they actually thought they'd be around for six whole years. 1915 - The German navy institutes unrestricted submarine warfare. They will come to regret this. 1980 - The American Olympic ice hockey team defeats the Soviet team 4-3. They will never shut up about this. Ever. 2002 - Chuck Jones dies after making the mistake of looking down. 2014 - Ukrainian president Viktor Yanukovych impeached for, among other things, corruption and treason on charges of being a Russian puppet. This sounds...familiar, somehow. Can't quite put my finger on it.

On February 21 in History: 1797 - 1400 Revolutionary French soldiers land at Fishguard in Britain in order to support the Society of Unified Irishmen. 500 British soldiers say, "Yeah, no," and kick them out. No one has tried to invade Britain since. 1808 - Russia invades Sweden without a declaration of war, with the intention of stealing Finland from them. The Finns do not get a say in this. 1848 - Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels publish a manifesto. I can't see it making much of a splash. 1916 - The Germans attack the French at Verdun. This shouldn't take long. 1972 - Richard Nixon visits China in a landmark event in normalizing east-west relations. What he was really doing was scoping out a place to lie low in case the shit ever hit the fan. 2018 - Billy Graham is incredibly lucky he is wrong about there being a hell.

On February 20 in History: 1472 - Norway can't afford a dowry for their princess Margaret to marry the king of Scotland, so they just pawn a few of their islands. This is why folks from Orkney and Shetland are so difficult to understand. 1816 - The Rossini opera, The Barber of Seville, premiers. It is most famous today for its appearance in Bugs Bunny cartoons. 1895 - Death of Frederick Douglass. Unlike his birth date, he did not get to choose this one himself. 1933 - The people of the United States are once again legally allowed to stop pretending they don't drink. 1962 - John Glenn goes around the world three times in just under five hours. Suck it, Jules Verne. 1967 - Kurt Cobain is born. He is among the...no, Nevermind. 1971 - The U.S. emergency broadcast system is accidentally activated. Haha, how embarrassing. I bet they'll never do that again. 1985 - The people of Ireland are at last legally allowed to stop pretending they don't use birth control.

On February 19 in History: 356 - Emperor Constantius II closes all pagan temples in the Roman Empire. Jupiter responds, "You can't fire us; we quit!" 1473 - Nicolaus Copernicus is born, and because of him, we know how many time the Earth has gone around the Sun since then. 1600 - The volcano Huaynaputina in Peru attempts to blow everyone to hell. It is the largest South American eruption in recorded history. That just means it succeeded in killing everyone who may have written about it before. 1674 - The Treaty of Westminster ends the Third Anglo-Dutch war. Among other things, the colony of New Amsterdam is ceded to England. Gonna have to do something about that name, though. 1807 - Former Vice President Aaron Burr is arrested, though not, as you might expect, for shooting Alexander Hamilton to death. He is arrested for treason on the ground that he allegedly intended to take 40,000 acres in Texas for himself, possibly conquer parts of Mexico, and maybe set up an independent nation in the middle of North America. This will negatively impact his political career. 1913 - Due to a convoluted series of shenanigans involving a coup and attempts to make it look legitimate, Pedro Lascuráin is president of Mexico for 45 minutes. And you thought you were special, William Henry Harrison. 1942 - Franklin Roosevelt orders Japanese-Americans relocated to internment camps. As long as the enemy we're fighting doesn't do anything chillingly similar, everything should be all right. Boy, would that be embarrassing. 1952 - Murakami Ryū is born, in the center of a Venn diagram labeled "the only Japanese authors I know I've heard of" and "books I know I should read but haven't." 1976 - President Gerald Ford says, "Hey about that Japanese internment thing; stop doing that." 2004 - Millie Bobby Brown is born, the eleventh of...oh shit, I've said too much. 2016 - Death of Harper Lee. No mockingbirds are suspected to be involved.

On February 18 in History: 259 BCE - Qin Shi Huang, the first Emperor of China, is born. According to the calendar which he later establishes, nothing happened before this. 1332 - Emperor Amde Tsiyon of Ethiopia decides Muslims need to GTFO. 1478 - Edward IV's brother George is executed for treason due to supporting the Lancastrians (despite being of the House of York himself). Not the brightest torch on the wall. 1516 - Mary I of England is born. Her father's disappointment at her lack of a penis has...shall we say...far-reaching consequences. 1530 - Uesugi Kenshin, one of Japan's all-time badasses, is born. I suspect all these great men existed at the same time purely to balance each other out. 1791 - The independent state of Vermont is allowed to join the cool kids' club. ...In a couple of weeks. 1861 - Victor Emmanuel II of Piedmont, Savoy, and Sardinia decides to dispense with the pretense and just call himself the King of Italy already. 1865 - General William T. Sherman and his men do what they do best and set the South Carolina state house on fire, along with most of the rest of Columbia. 1885 - The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is published. Making everyone feel awkward in English classes for 134 years! 1930 - Clyde Tombaugh discovers Pluto, and rather hastily declares it the ninth planet. He sure has egg on his face now, eh? 1965 - The Gambia becomes independent of the United Kingdom, but chooses to remain dependent on the definite article. 1967 - Now J. Robert Oppenheimer is become Death. 2003 - An arsonist sets fire to a subway train in Daegu, South Korea, killing almost 200 people. Had this happened in New York, his accelerants would have been inert long before he would have been able to board a train. 2014 - Maria Franziska, third oldest and last of the original seven von Trapp children, leaves and heaves a sigh and says goodbye. She was nearly 100 years old.

On February 17 in History: 624 - Birth of Wu Zetian, the most powerful woman in Chinese history. The middle kingdom has never seen her like before or since, though heaven knows Cixi tried to make a run for it. 1500 - King Johann of the Kalmar Union and his brother/co-Duke of Schleswig-Holstein, Friedrich, attempt to subdue the Peasants' Republic of Dithmarschen at the Battle of Hemmingstedt. They key word here is "attempt". 1673 - Molière dies. But does he really, or is he just imagining it? 1753 - The last day in February for Sweden, whose turn it is to switch to Team Gregorian. Team Julian is not faring so well these days. 1801 - The U.S. House of Representatives breaks the electoral tie between Thomas Jefferson and Aaron Burr, meaning we were THIS CLOSE to having a sitting president kill a man in an illegal duel. 1863 - A group of Geneva citizens found an international organization for tending to the wounded. They adopt as their symbol a red cross so that they can be easily identified. Now all they need is a name. 1909 - Geronimo dies, presumably from jumping out of an airplane. 1919 - The Ukrainian People's Republic asks The U.K., France, and the U.S. for help fighting the Bolsheviks. We're awful busy, but I'm sure they'll be fine. 1995 - The brief Cenepa War between Ecuador and Peru ends when the U.N. says, "You kids better stop fighting; we don't want to have to come over there." 2008 - Kosovo declares independence from Serbia. At this rate, even Serbia is going to end up declaring independence from Serbia. 2011 - Libyans decide they've had enough of Muammar Gaddafi's bullshit and start protesting. Shit, everybody else is doing it, why not us?

Yes, but let's not forget the other denominations. - A halfpennny, or ha'penny, is perhaps self-explanitory - Four farthings to a penny - Tuppence and Thruppence in addition to Sixpence - A Florin is two Shillings -A Crown is Five Shillings -A Half-Crown is 2 and Sixpence -And a Guinea is 21 Shillings, made of gold instead of silver It's all so logical!

On February 16 in History: 1270 - The Battle on the Ice is not, sadly, a highly anticipated hockey match, but rather another victory of the Grand Duchy of Lithuania over the crusading Livonian Order. "No matter how many times we tell them we're not interested in this Jesus thing or whatever, they keep on coming back." 1471 - Krishnadevaraya, future emperor of the Vijayanagara Empire, is born. Try to say that one time at normal speed. 1643 - John Sharp, future Archbishop of York, is born. There's nothing particularly special about him; I just wanted an easy one after Krishnadevaraya. 1796 - The British complete their invastion of Ceylon (Sri Lanka) with the takeover of Colombo. The city, not the detective. 1899 - Iceland establishes its first football club, Knattspyrnufélag Reykjavíkur. They're really hard to cheer for. 1918 - Lithuania declares itself independent. Free of Russian influence at last, they are never going back, you hear? 1923 - Tutankhamun's 3300 year nap is rudely interrupted by one Howard Carter, who barges in like he owns the place. 1936 - Elections in Spain bring the Popular Front, a coalition of various left-wing organizations meant to counter the growing influence of right-wing fascism, to power. It's good that even when people disagree, the strength of our republican institutions can still allow for a peaceful shift in power. 1959 - Fidel Castro becomes Premier of Cuba. No more dictators for this proud nation! 2005 - The Kyoto Protocol comes into effect. Maybe now we'll be able to start getting climate change under control! 2005 again - Beginning what will become the darkest time in Canadian history, the NHL cancels the remainder of its regular season and the playoffs. 2006 - The U.S. Army decommissions the last Mobile Army Service Hospital. No word on where Hawkeye and the others will be reassigned. 2016 - Boutros Boutros-Ghali is the latest to fall prey to the Year All the Famous People Died.

On February 15 in History: 590 - Khosrau II becomes King of Sassanid Persia. Nicknamed "The Victorious", his will be yet another great reign in the long tradition of Zoroastrian rulers. Yep, nothing's ever gonna bring these folks down. 706 - Recently restored Byzantine emperor Justinian II publicly executes the guy who deposed him, as well as the guy who later deposed that guy before ultimately being deposed by Justinian II. He will rule for another five years before eventually being deposed and executed. 1564 - Galileo is born. On the same day, the Earth and the Sun trade places just to fuck with everyone, and to see how long it will take for anyone to notice. 1764 - St. Louis is founded. Most people are aware that the city later hosts a very famous World's Fair. What may surprise people is that the city was actually founded by Spain. As they say, nobody expects a Spanish Exposition. 1898 - The USS Maine explodes and sinks in Havana Harbor, Cuba. The U.S. decides this is as good an excuse as any to steal some land from Spain and then not do anything with it. 1965 - Canada adopts its new symbol of national sovereignty and strength: a leaf. This is due to the average Canadian's propensity for avoiding conflict, preferring instead to dry up and blow away. 1971 - Opting instead for something that makes sense and the rest of the world can understand, the British stop using Wizard money. 2003 - Occurring in over 600 cities around the world and with between 8 million and 30 million participants, the largest peace demonstration in history's protest against the Iraq war is entirely successful in getting people out of the house for a few hours.

On February 14 in History: 842 – In Strasbourg, Charles the Bald and Louis the German, kings of West and East Francia (guess which rules which!) swear to have each other's backs against their big brother Lothair, king of Middle Francia. Each one swears in the langauge of the other's kingdom, just to make sure there's no confusion. 1349 – In Strasbourg, hundreds of Jews are burned alive by mobs and the rest driven out on the assumption that they are responsible for the Black Death and this will make it stop. It does not. 1400 – Deposed king of England Richard II dies in prison. New king Henry IV hadn't wanted to order him murdered, but he may have forgotten to order him fed. 1405 – Timur, a.k.a. Tamarlane, dies, to the immense reliefe of everyone from the Levant to the Indus River valley (and everyone who's ever played Europa Universalis). But he left a surprise... 1483 – Babur, founder of the Mughal Empire, is born. A direct descendant of Timur and a distant descendant of Genghis Khan, it shouldn't come as a surprise what he'll decide to do with his life. 1502 - The king and queen of Spain order all Muslims to either convert or get out. Just until they can figure out what the hell is going on. 1779 - English explorer James Cook is killed by a band of native Hawaiians. Totally overreacting. He was only trying to kidnap their king. Way out of line. 1818 - The chosen birthdate of Frederick Douglass. He got to choose because his actual birth was never officially recorded, being born into slavery and all. But his luck would eventually turn around; these days he's being recognized more and more. 1849 - U.S. President James K. Polk gets his picture taken. He is the first president to do so. This is among his greatest accomplishments. 1879 – The Chilean navy occupies the Bolivian port town of Antofagasta, kicking off the Pacific War. Haha, "Bolivian port town." 1929 – Seven people are murdered in Chicago, and by a strange coincidence six of them belong to a rival gang of Al Capone. Get me his tax returns; he's going down for this. 1989 - James Bond dies. A zoologist and ornithologist of some renown, he was once described by British novelist Ian Fleming as having "as ordinary [a name] as possible". 1989 again - Ruhollah Khomeini, the actual leader of a real country, encourages people to murder Salmon Rushdie because Rushdie wrote a book he didn't like. 1990 - Voyager 1 takes the "Pale Blue Dot" photograph, initiating a chain of events that will eventually lead to me posting the same Carl Sagan video every year on Earth Day. 2005 - YouTube is launched, as phase one of the cats' diabolical scheme to overtake all of human society. 2018 – A bunch of kids whose names will be in history books someday witness 17 of their friends and peers being shot to death at their school in the only developed country on Earth where this routinely happens, and decide that's some bullshit.

On February 13 in History: 1462 - The Treaty of Westminster allows for a couple of Scottish lords to rule Scotland under the English crown in the even that England conquers Scotland. This is gonna be super awkward in a couple of years when the two crowns make an alliance. 1542 - Henry VIII's fifth wife, Catherine Howard, is executed for adultery. It's not as if she didn't know the risks. Either something was misinterpreted, or Culpeper's dick was amazing. 1660 - Charles X of Sweden dies. The regents for his underage son jump on this fabulous opportunity to get out of this war they've been stuck in for the last five years. 1689 - William and Mary are named co-monarchs of England and Scotland, despite "co-monarch" not making any sense. Wait for it... 1692 - The Earl of Argyll's Regiment of Foot, after availing themselves of the hospitality of the MacDonalds of Glencoe, proceed to murder them all (nearly 80 in total) for their failure to pledge their allegiance to William and Mary. The Rains of Castamere plays in the background. 1913 - With the collapse of the Qing dynasty, the 13th Dalai Lama is able to proclaim Tibet's independence. Free from China at last! 1945 - RAF bombers are sent to Dresden with the express orders to "bomb the shit out of it." 2007 - Ma Ying-jeou resigns as Kuomintang party chairman after being indicted for embezzlement while he was mayor or Taipei. Oh, also, he'd like you all to know he'll be running for president next year. Yeah, that checks out. 2016 - Antonin Scalia dies This means Obama will have a chance major lasting impact on the Supreme Court.

On February 12 in history: 41 - Britannicus, son of Emperor Claudius, is born. If I ever get around to doing yesterday, you'll know why I put this on here. 881 - Charles the Fat is crowned Holy Roman Emperor. Charles was a popular name in his family, and he had some rather famous ancestors, dubbed "the Hammer" and "the Magnificent". When it came time to differentiate ol' Chuck the third here, it would have been easy enough to just go by his number, but instead someone decided they needed to be more specific. "Oh yeah, the fat one." 1429 - During the Hundred Years' War, on the outskirts of a town just north of Orléans, a great battle (The Battle of the Herrings) would take place between English and French forces over several barrels of fish. And probably some other supplies too, I guess. 1689 - The British Parliament decides that since James II ran away to France like a sissy, he doesn't get to be king anymore. And there was much rejoicing. 1809 - Charles Darwin is born, and yet for some reason there are still monkeys. Great thinkers the world over are still trying to work that one out. 1809 again - Abraham Lincoln is also born. His connection to monkeys remains unclear. 1909 - The NAACP is founded, with the goal of making 21st century white people feel awkward at using the phrase "colored people". 1924 - Rhapsody in Blue premiers to mixed reviews. Though history and music lovers alike would later vindicate him, Gershwin is discouraged and scraps plans for follow-up rhapsodies in Violet, Indigo, and Amaranth. 1963 - The Gateway Arch begins construction in St. Louis as a result of citizens clamoring for a gigantic metal structure that serves no purpose. "All the cool cities have them." 1994 - At the National Gallery of Norway, four thieves break in and steal Edvard Munch's painting "The Scream". The painting, though terrified, is ironically unable to call for help. 1999 - The United States Senate decides that getting a blow job and lying about it is a pretty stupid reason to remove a sitting president.

On February 11 in History: 660 BCE - If translation from ancient legend to a traditional calendar to a traditional Western calendar to a modern Western calendar can be believed, Emperor Jimmu founds Japan. The same legends say he's descended from gods; make of that what you will. 55 - Britannicus, heir to Roman emperor Claudius, dies mysteriously. Good thing Nero is still alive to carry on the succession; that could have been messy. 1534 - Henry VIII isn't just in charge of all England now. He's also the head of the church, too. A guy named Octavius once did something similar. 1790 - The Religious Society of Friends, a.k.a. the Quakers, ask the U.S. government to abolish slavery. Talk about progressive. 1812 - The governor of Massachusetts is accused of drawing up electoral districts in ridiculous ways so as to benefit his own party. The districts are said to look like salamanders slithering around on maps. His name was Elbridge Gerry, and his one wish is that this tactic will not become his greatest legacy. 1855 - Tewodros II is crowned emperor of Ethiopia. His plan is to round up all these disparate tribal regions together into Ethiopia again. In other words, if they're going to call him emperor, he actually wants to be emperor. 1929 - Mussolini officially agrees to let the Vatican be their own country. He'd better get used to the feeling of giving up territory. 1953 - Jeb Bush is born! ...Please clap. 1971 - 87 countries, including the Big Three, agree to ban nukes on the ocean floor in international waters. We don't know if Godzilla is real or not, but why push our luck? 1979 - The Iranian monarchy is overthrown in favor of a totalitarian theocracy. Turkeys voting for Christmas. 1990 - Nelson Mandela is released from prison after 27 years as a political prisoner. Sadly, he's getting old, and there's not much left for him to do with his life. 1999 - Pluto crosses Neptune's orbit again, once more becoming the ninth planet. This vindicates everyone who argued against changing the models of the Solar System; all nine planets will remain in this order for the next 228 years. No need to change anything. 2001 - A whole bunch of people hoping to see nude photos of Anna Kournikova are about to be sorely disappointed. 2006 - Dick Cheney becomes the second sitting U.S. vice president to shoot a man. 2011 - Hosni Mubarak resigns as president. Freedom and democracy have come to Egypt at last!

On February 10 in History: 1258 - The Mongols sack Baghdad and destroy a bunch of stuff, including the House of Wisdom, because who needs thousands of years of accumulated knowledge, amirite? 1306 - Robert the Bruce murders John Comyn in an effort to cement his claim to the Scottish throne, but accidentally does so in a church, landing him in hot water with certain Pope-like figures. 1763 - The Treaty of Paris cedes Québec to Great Britain. There are no hard feelings. 1840 - Queen Victoria marries Prince Albert. In a can! Eh? Eh? ...I'll see myself out. 1954 - U.S. President Dwight Eisenhower warns against intervention in Vietnam. Pfsh. What does he know? 1967 - The 25th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution lays out procedures for what is to happen should the president die while in office - an occurrence which has already happened eight times. 2007 - Some rookie senator from Illinois whom almost nobody has ever heard of announces he's running for president. He's also black, in a country that's never had a black president. This is so obscure, I don't even know why I'm putting it on here.

She's on Netflix now, didn't you guys know?

On February 9 in History: 474 - Zeno is crowned Byzantine emperor. No, settle down. L. Ron. I said Zeno, with an O. 1775 - British Parliament declares the colony of Massachusetts to be in a state of rebellion. As my favorite Nicolas Cage meme would remark, "You don't say!" 1825 - Since nobody won the 1824 election, the U.S. House of Representatives has to choose the next president. They choose John Quincy Adams. Given that the other choice was noted lunatic Andrew Jackson, they probably made the right call. Whew! Dodged a bullet there. 1849 - After almost 1800 years, the Roman Republic is back! Now will dawn a new millennium of cultural and political dominance! 1895 - William G. Morgan invents a fun new sport where a ball is volleyed back and forth over a net by opposing teams. The best players can volley the ball multiple times before any points are scored. Naturally he calls his new game Mintonette. 1909 - Carmen Miranda is born from a bundle of bananas. 1942 - Year-round Daylight Saving Time is reinstated in order to conserve energy for the war effort, which raises the question: if it saves energy, why don't we just do it all the time anyway? 1943 - "You mean, let me understand this … cuz I … maybe its me, maybe I’m a little fucked up maybe. I’m cute how? I mean cute, like I’m a puppy? I enchant you? I make you coo and sigh? I’m here to fuckin’ entrance you? Whattya you mean cute? Cute how? How am I cute?" ~A newborn Joe Pesci 1950 - A schizophrenic Joseph McCarthy starts yelling about communists everywhere; for some reason people take him seriously. 1964 - The Beatles perform on the Ed Sullivan Show for the first time. The death toll is catastrophic. 1987 - Michael B. Jordan is born in Wakanda to a champion boxer.

On February 8 in History: 1238 - The Mongols of the Golden Horde under Batu Kkan burn Vladimir. The city, not a dude. Though odds are high at least one guy in there was named Vladimir. Eugh. 1405 - Future last Byzantine emperor Constantine XI is born. Wait, what was that? Nothing; I said future Byzantine emperor Constantine XI is born. Carry on; nothing to see here. 1587 - Mary, Queen of Scots is executed by order of Elizabeth I of England under suspicion that she was party to an assassination plot. Mary's son, James VI, becomes King of Scotland. I have a funny feeling he's going to get the last laugh. 1601 - Robert Devereux, the 2nd Earl of Essex, (who doesn't pay attention, apparently) rebels against Elizabeth I. His rebellion doesn't even last the whole day. That's gotta be a little embarrassing for him. 1828 - Jules Verne's consciousness arrives from the future in a newborn baby, but nobody ever believes him. 1850 - Kate Chopin is born. It is fortunate that her mother is not named Desirée. 1865 - Delaware decides that no, they are not going to ratify the 13th Amendment, outlawing slavery. I mean, this war is terrible, but I don't want to have to pay people who work for me. 1904 - The Russo-Japanese War begins as a result of a surprise attack by the Japanese on the Russian fleet at Port Arthur in Manchuria. They'll want to be careful with that tactic; it could get them into trouble in the future. 1914 - Co-creator of Batman, Bill Finger, is born. This will not be publicly acknowledged for another 75 years. 1960 - Queen Elizabeth announces that patrilineal conventions are stupid, and her family will continue to be the House of Windsor, thank you very much. 1978 - For the first time, proceedings of the U.S. senate are broadcast on the radio. And the march of progress thunders triumphantly on! 2013 - A massive nor'easter hits...where else? The northeast. The resulting blizzard leaves huge swaths of New England and the maritime provinces without power. The Weather Channel nicknames it Winter Storm Nemo. Aww, I can't be mad at it now.

On February 7 in History: 574 - Prince Shōtoku, and subsequently the nation and culture of Japan as we know it, is born. Even the weird stuff? Especially the weird stuff. 1102 - Matilda, Holy Roman Empress, rightful trueborn ruler of England, and ancestor of all subsequent English and British monarchs, is born. Suck it, Stephen! I'll die on this hill! 1301 - In a symbolic show of total English domination, Edward I of England's son Edward is made Prince of Wales, the first Englishman to hold the title. "You just wait." ~The Tudors 1819 - After taking over Singapore, Sir Thomas Stamford Raffles says, "I don't even want it anymore," and leaves. 1863 - The HMS Orpheus sinks off the coast of Auckland, New Zealand. The HMS Eurydice had "accidentally" looked at it before it was safely in port. 1962 - The U.S. tells Cuba, "We don't want your stuff anymore, and you can't have any of ours." 1979 - Pluto moves inside Neptune's orbit, thus making all extant models of the Solar System inaccurate. Rather than remaking anything, everyone just figures, "Eh, we'll just wait for it to move back again." 1991 - Haiti's first democratically elected president, Jean-Bertrand Aristide, is sworn in. Better late than never for the second nation in the Western Hemisphere to declare independence from Europe. 1991 again - Members of the Provisional IRA launch a mortar attack at 10 Downing Street in an attempt to assassinate Prime Minister John Major and his war cabinet. It is unclear how they thought this would help their situation. 1997 - NeXT Merges with Apple, and Steve Jobs achieves his true form. 2013 - Mississippi officially certifies their ratification of the 13th Amendment, abolishing slavery. It should be noted that they actually already had ratified the amendment, but had forgotten to file the paperwork. In 1995.

Hey now, spoilers.

On February 6 in History: 1685 - James II & VII of England and Scotland, respectively, becomes king(s). He's Catholic, so we're doin' this again. 1755 - Future U.S. Vice President and Hamilton-killer Aaron Burr is born. 1778 - France officially recognizes the United States. This is done mostly to troll Great Britain, but we'll take it. 1895 - George Herman Ruth Jr. is born. I'm going to deliberately refuse to make the obvious pun, knowing that it will gnaw at you for the rest of the day. Mwahahaha! 1918 - British women over 30 who own a certain amount of property are now able to vote. This had to be rushed through to make sure they beat the Americans to it; that would have been embarrassing. 1945 - Bob Marley wakes up and lives. A doctor spanks him and admonishes, "No, baby. No cry." 1952 - Elizabeth II becomes Queen of the United Kingdom, and a bunch of other places. Rumor has it she also unlocked the crown's ancient secret to immortality, but that remains to be seen. 1966 - Another celebrity is born, and there's a video that explains it better than I could: https://tinyurl.com/Feb-6-Video

Lol. Yes, it was. Also, I feel compelled to point out that "sticky wicket" refers to cricket, not croquet.

Only if you're playing the boring way. Real croquet is played with flamingos.