Illjwamh

On February 5 in History: 62 - The towns of Pompeii and Herculaneum are struck by an earthquake. Though both towns suffer major damage, they are able to recover and repair. Talk about dodging a bullet. 1597 - 26 Christians are crucified in Japan on the order of the shogun, Hideyoshi. Several Roman emperors find this darkly amusing. 1852 - The Hermitage Museum opens to the public in St. Petersburg, because the Louvre can suck it. 1885 - Leopold II of Belgium goes into the jungle in Africa, into an area larger than Western Europe, and says, "This is mine, now." Not Belgium's; his. Everyone else just sort of lets him do this. He calls it the Congo Free State because he got it for free. 1917 - Mexico adopts its current constitution, which establishes a federal republic of united sovereign states, with powers divided into Administrative, Legislative, and Judicial branches. Now where have I heard that one before? It's on the tip of my tongue, I swear... 1945 - "Told you." ~Gen. Douglas MacArthur 1971 - Alan Shepard goes golfing. ON THE MOON. He's on the MOON, people! How is it we don't memorize the names in school of every person who's ever done this? 1985 - The mayors of Rome and Carthage meet to sign a treaty of friendship, thereby officially ending the Third Punic War. Better late than never?

On February 4 in History: 211 - Septimius Severus dies in Eboracum (York) while on campaign against the Caledonians (people from Caledonia (Alba (Scotland))). He leaves the empire to his two sons, Caracalla and Geta, who hate each other. This is not a good idea. 960 - Coronation of Emperor Taizu of Song, beginning the Song dynasty that will rule China for over 300 years. If yesterday was the day the music died, is today the day it was born? ...I'll see myself out. 1555 - John Rogers is the first Protestant burnt at the stake by Queen Mary of England. He won't be the last. Bloody Mary? More like Burny Mary. 1677 - Johann Bach is born. No, not him; the other one. Ludwig. 1789 - The U.S. Electoral College unanimously elects George Washington to the presidency. Well, that went off without a hitch. What an ingenious system we have devised. 1820 - After just two days, Lord Cochrane of the Chilean navy captures the city of Valdivia, the most heavily fortified place in South America, with just two ships and 300 men. It's 200 years later and I can feel the Spanish humiliation from here. 1861 - Six states team up to form a Confederacy in order to fight the team-up of states they just broke away from. 1948 - Ceylon (Sri Lanka) becomes independent of the United Kingdom. Likely they plead their case with, "You let India and Pakistan do it!" 1992 - A coup attempt by a dissatisfied military officer against Carlos Andrés Pérez fails. Ha! It'll be a cold day in Hell when Hugo Chávez rules Venezuela. 2003 - Given that there isn't much left of it anymore, Yugoslavia adopts a new constitution which essentially boils down to Serbia and Montenegro agreeing to hang out. 2004 - Some social networking site is launched. Something about books, or faces, I dunno. I doubt it'll take off.

Yes, I do. It occurs to me that the rules for appearances were in the original thread, which was deleted. Here are my criteria: -On panel appearance (duh) -Off panel dialogue -Partial appearance. This one is iffy, but I usually require around 25% visibility (or a face) AND clarity as to who the character is. Said clarity must exist in the strip itself, not including context from previous strips. Rare exceptions have been made to the visibility requirement, such as when The Boar died and only its hoof was visible, but I generally stick pretty hard to it. -Flashbacks and fantasy sequences count -Recurring apparitions that are not real, such as Susan's personality aspects, are counted as "semi-characters" -Characters with alter-egos (such as Elliot) receive credit for the appearances of those alter-egos, and the alter-egos themselves receive credit as semi-characters -If two alter-egos appear in the same strip (like Cheerleadra and Heidi, say) they would both receive individual credit, but Elliot would only be counted once -Different versions of the same character, like Zeus/Jerry, or any alternate universe versions like Beta Tedd or Second Life Ellen, are counted as separate characters Mon. Feb. 4 Grace: 834 Sam: 40 FULL COUNT

Mon. Jan. 14, 2019 Sam: 32 Grace: 826 Mr. Verres: 133 (2019 debut) Voltaire: 27 (2019 debut) Wed. Jan. 16, 2019 Sam: 33 Grace: 827 Fri. Jan. 18, 2019 Grace: 828 Pandora: 119 (2019 debut) Sarah: 649 (2019 debut) Tedd: 743 (2019 debut) Sam: 34 Wed. Jan. 23, 2019 Grace: 829 Sam: 35 Fri. Jan. 25, 2019 Sam: 36 Grace: 830 Mon. Jan. 28, 2019 Sam: 37 Grace: 831 Wed. Jan. 30. 2019 Sam: 38 Grace: 832 Fri. Feb. 1, 2019 Grace: 833 Sam: 39 FULL COUNT

On February 3 in History: 6 - Emperor Ping of Han is "allegedly" poisoned by his regent, Wang Mang, presumably since at age 14, he was near old enough to take control of the government himself, and then perhaps avenge all the relatives and officials that Wang had murdered. A prudent move by Wang, all things considered. 456 - Sihyaj Chan K'awiil II, ruler of Tikal, dies. I will never stop including these, as I will never get over how amazing it is that we know about it. 639 - K'inich Yo'nal Ahk I, ruler of Yo'k'ib', dies. See above. 929 - Some Guy dies in Tuscany. No, really, his name is just "Guy". He was the margrave; you'd think he could afford a surname or a sobriquet or something. 1377 - During the War of the Eight Saints, Papal troops slaughter over 2,000 inhabitants of the town of Cesena. For Jesus! Or something. 1399 - Death of John of Gaunt. Great; he was basically the only thing holding England together; now everything's going to go to hell. 1451 - Mehmed II becomes Ottoman Sultan. A chill passes through the citizens of Constantinople, though they are unsure why. 1488 - Bartolomeu Dias is the first European to sail around the southern tip of Africa. He doesn't even realize it, as he's out of sight of land at the time. That's gotta be like recording your baby's first steps and then noticing you'd left the lens cap on. 1509 - The Portuguese navy defeats a combined fleet from Gujarat, Calicut, and the Mamluks (and supported by Venice, Ragusa, and the Ottomans) all on its lonesome in the Battle of Diu to take control of trade in the Indian Ocean. This is kind of like Batman defeating the entire Justice Leage, which we all know is possible, so why am I even talking about it? 1706 - Sweden defeats a larger combined force of Russians, Poles, and Saxons at the Battle of Fraustadt using a strategy made famous 2,000 years ago by Alexander the Great and Hannibal Barca. They kind of had it coming if they fell for that. 1824 - Ranald MacDonald is born in what will one day be Astoria, Oregon. In addition to having a name amusingly similar to a corporate clown mascot, I feel a kinship with him, as he is the originator of my profession, being the first native English speaker to teach the language in Japan. 1870 - The U.S. ratifies the Fifteenth Amendment, granting the vote to men of any race. Not women, though; that'd be silly. 1924 - Woodrow Wilson "dies". This despite his wife and a few close confidants playing Weekend at Bernie's for at least the last six years, at least two of which while he was president. 1959 - Musicians Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and J. P. "The Big Bopper" Richardson are killed in a plane crash. And in the streets the children screamed. The lovers cried, and the poets dreamed, but not a word was spoken; the church bells all were broken. 1976 - Isla Fisher is born. Or, as she is known to those outside her own fanbase, "Not Amy Adams". 2014 - Russia's very first school shooting, involving two deaths, an injury, and 29 hostages takes place in Moscow. Among the usual scapegoats like violent video games and lack of creative outlets, exposure to American culture is also blamed. Kinda feel like they've got us on that one. ...Evidently when the music died, it took a lot of people with it.

They say we're young, and we don't know; we won't find out until we grow. On February 2 in History... 880 - King Louis III of France is defeated in Saxony by the Great Heathen Army. If you're thinking I included this purely as an excuse to mention the giant pile of awesome that is the Great Heathen Army, you would be correct. 962 - Otto I is crowned Holy Roman Emperor. The first one in forty years, in fact, and under much pomp. Downplayed is the fact that no one really noticed the lack. 1536 - Buenos Aires is founded. Just a quick math note: Jamestown, often considered the first "American" colony, is still 71 years away. 1653 - New Amsterdam is founded. We know it now as New York. Why they changed it, I can't say; people just liked it better that way. 1848 - The U.S. and Mexico sign the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, a.k.a. the "Treaty of Peace, Friendship, Limits and Settlement between the United States of America and the Mexican Republic", a.k.a. the "Treaty of We're Taking Half Your Land and What Are You Going to do About It". 1876 - The National League of Major League Baseball is formed. With only 8 teams and the American League still 25 years away, playoffs remain slightly anticlimactic. 1887 - Americans come under the sway of one Punxsatawney Phil, a malevolent groundhog in small-town Pennsylvania who demands yearly festivals and sacrifice lest he hold pleasant weather hostage for an additional month and a half. 1925 - Dogsleds reach Nome, Alaska with diphtheria medication from Anchorage. The annual Iditarod commemorates this feat. Several Academy Award statuettes are...what? Animated? Oh, never mind. 1935 - Polygraph lie detector tests are accepted in U.S. court as evidence for the first time, leading to decades of lazy police work, false convictions and acquittals, and worst of all...contrived screenwriting. 1942 - The first acts of anti-Nazi resistance take place in Norway, protesting the inauguration of Vidkun Quisling. He is adamant that more people showed up to the latter than the former. 1952 - Park Geun-hye, future South Korean president, is born, though the numerous strings attached to her limbs make the process difficult for all involved. 1989 - The last Soviet armored column leaves Afghanistan, leading to decades of peace and prosperity for the region. They say we're young, and we don't know; we won't find out until we grow. On February 2 in History...

On February 1 in History: 583 - King Kan B'alam I of Palenque dies. Who was ruling Sweden at this time? Or Denmark, or half a dozen other places in Europe? Oh, that's right; we don't know, because unlike the Maya, they didn't bother to write any of that shit down in a place where we could find it. 1327 - Fourteen year-old Edward III becomes King of England, though really everything is run by his mom and her boyfriend. "Shut up, you're not my real king!" 1329 - King John of Bohemia captures the fortress of Medvėgalis in the still pagan Grand Duchy of Lithuania. He then baptizes all 6,000 defenders, who must surely be confused about why this strange foreign invader went through so much trouble just to give them a bath. Oh well, he's gone now; best get back to business. Those gods aren't going to worship themselves. 1793 - The French, getting a little swept up in all this Revolutioning, declare war on the UK and the Netherlands. LES ROOOIIIIIIS, J'ENNNNFINNNNN tue! 1851 - Mary Shelley dies and is not revived thanks to the cautionary tale she left behind to warn her loved ones not to try anything like that. 1861 - Texas secedes from the United States, not fifteen years after practically begging to be let in. 1865 - Abraham Lincoln signs the Thirteenth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, which would abolish slavery. I mean, he pretty much backed himself into a corner on this one. 1884 - The first edition of the Oxford English Dictionary is published, covering words from A to Ant. ...We've got a long way to go. 1918 - Russia adopts the Gregorian calendar, just when everyone was finally getting used to the Julian. 1942 - A new minister president of the Norwegian national government is chosen: a savvy politician who made the right connections with the right people and is finally seeing it pay off. Yessir, everything's coming up Quisling! 1946 - Norwegian Trygve Lie is chosen as the United Nations' first secretary general. Hey, what happened to that Quisling guy? He looked like he was going places. 1946 again - Hungary decides that 900 years is enough. No more kings. 1960 - Four men in Greensboro, North Carolina start a national shitstorm that will ultimately reshape the entire cultural zeitgeist by sitting down and asking for some coffee. 1979 - "I'm back, bitches!" ~ Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini. Oh, he 'bout to start some shit. 2003 - The space shuttle Columbia comes apart during reentry, killing all aboard. I will continue my tradition of not making light of these types of incidents, though I'm not sure what it says about me that I still thought of some good ones. 2009 - New Prime Minister Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir of Iceland becomes the world's first openly gay head of government. Man, bloody vikings do EVERYTHING first.

On January 31 in History: 1512 - Henry, King of Portugal is born. Wait for it... 1580 - Henry, King of Portugal dies. Well, shit. Um, happy birthday? 1606 - Guy Fawkes is executed for his role in the Gunpowder Plot. Sadly, "Remember, remember the 31st of January" just doesn't really roll of the tongue. 1865 - Congress approves a constitutional amendment to ban the ownership of human beings, sending it to the states for ratification. Due to a wacky and convenient sequence of events, most slaveholding states are ineligible to participate. 1917- After taking two years off, Germany resumes unrestricted U-Boat warfare. It's not like the Americans are going to do anything about it. 1929 - The Soviets exile one of their key architects in favor of a guy who'll end up murdering most of them. 1943 - The Germans surrender at Stalingrad, then foolishly try to keep playing instead of loading their most recent save file. 1946 - "This is a great idea!" ~Yugoslavia, establishing a constitution to unite the Balkans. 1950 - U.S. president Harry Truman announces that the bomb that scared the shit out of everyone not five years ago wasn't enough, and they're going to make a bigger one. 2012 - The Toyota Corolla officially becomes the best-selling car of all time. The company celebrates by cutting the brake lines in all their vehicles.

On January 30 in history: 1649 - King Charles I of England is beheaded. Thanks, Obama. I mean Cromwell. 1661 - Lord Protector Oliver Cromwell, responsible for the above, is executed. Thing is, he's already been dead for over two years. "Just making sure," say the English, when questioned. 1703 - The legendary 47 Ronin successfully avenge their master's death by killing...what, not his murderer? I'm sorry, I'm being told they avenged their master by killing the official their master had assaulted, forcing him to commit ritual suicide. This being murder, the ronin themselves were then also forced to commit ritual suicide. Yeesh. 1806 - The Lower Trenton bridge opens, spanning the Delaware river. Good thing they waited, or one of the most famous paintings of George Washington would have been a lot less impressive. 1835 - Andrew Jackson survives an assassination attempt by self-styled King Richard III of England (actually a local D.C. painter Richard Lawrence). Both his would-be killer's pistols misfired, and the president proceeded to beat the living hell out of his assailant with his hickory cane until a crowd including Davy Crockett pulled him off. I can't make this stuff up. 1933 - Adolf Hitler is sworn in as Chancellor of Germany, presumably while ominous John Williams music swells in the background and Natalie Portman looks on in horror and disbelief. 1948 - Mahatma Gandhi is assassinated by a Hindu extremist who felt the champion of non-violence was too kind to Muslims. And by "too kind," he meant "not giving Hindus preferential treatment over them." God dammit, people. 1956 - Civil rights leader and spiritual successor to Gandhi, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., has his home bombed in response to the Montgomery bus boycott. Apparently wanting to choose one's seat on a bus is an offense worthy of death. God DAMMIT, people. 1959 - The MS Hans Hedtoft makes its maiden voyage. It is said to be the safest ship in the world, and unsinkable. It strikes an iceberg with predictable results, because of course it does. 1968 - North Vietnam and the Viet Cong launch the Tet Offensive, extending a quagmire the U.S. military-industrial complex has yet to learn from, apparently. 1969 - The Beatles play a concert on top of Apple Records, which is broken up by police. Police who, one can only guess, hate fun. 2003 - Richard Reid is sentenced to life in prison for the crime of making everyone have to take their shoes off at airport security.

On January 29 in History: 1258 - The armies (and climate) of Đại Việt kick the crap out of Mongol invaders at the Battle of Đông Bộ Đầu and send them packing. Cavalry-based steppe peoples invading a sweltering jungle is not a recipe for success. 1845 - Edgar Allan Poe publishes The Raven. It is his first published work for which he actually takes credit. 1891 - Liliuokalani becomes Queen of Hawai'i. May she and her descendants reign forever. Aloha 'Oe, western imperialism! 1936 - The first inductees into the Baseball Hall of Fame include noted philandering drunk Babe Ruth, noted commendably un-racist Ty Cobb, and household name Christy Mathewson. 1954 - Oprah Winfrey is born. Her ecstatic father runs out into the hospital waiting room and shouts, "It's a girl! You get a cigar! And you get a cigar! Everybody gets a cigar!" 1963 - Pro Football copies baseball and makes a Hall of Fame. 1980 - The Rubik's Cube debuts, providing lazy writers the world over with a convenient shorthand for character's intelligence. 2002 - George W. Bush names the Axis of Evil. While not very creative, it's surely a great way to make friends. 2005 - Commercial flights between mainland China and Taiwan begin, because mortal enemies or not, there's no sense in curtailing lucrative business opportunities.

On January 28 in History: 661 - The first caliphate, the Rashidun, ends when the last caliph, Ali, is assassinated, giving way to the new Umayyad Caliphate. This may have been more shocking if Ali's predecessor, and his predecessor's predecessor, had not also been assassinated. 814 - Charlemagne dies. His son Louis takes over as Holy Roman Emperor, but when you follow a guy styled "The Magnificent", there isn't a lot of hope for being compared favorably. 1393 - Charles VI of France nearly dies under what would no doubt have been tragically hilarious circumstances when several dancers' costumes caught fire at a masquerade ball he was attending. 1547 - Henry VIII of England dies, leaving the country in the hands of his nine year old son. There was much rejoicing. 1813 - Pride and Prejudice is published, causing readers everywhere to develop vastly unrealistic expectations regarding relationships with the opposite sex. Popular novels will continue this trend for the next two hundred years. It will eventually be adopted by films and television as well. 1896 - The first fine for speeding is given to one Walter Arnold of Kent. He is forced to pay an entire schilling for driving at the lunatic speed of 8 miles per hour. No, really. 1909 - U.S. forces finally depart Cuba, with the small exception of one naval base on a bay somewhere. It's probably not important. 1965 - The Canadian parliament officially chooses a new flag design. Presumably someone just said, "How 'bout a leaf?" and everyone else simply said, "All right." 1981 - Actor Elijah Wood is born. Several award statuettes are prepared in advance, but not for him. 1986 - The space shuttle Challenger explodes shortly after liftoff, killing all aboard. I can't think of anything else to say that wouldn't make me feel like a jackass. 1996 - Co-creator of Superman, Jerry Siegel, dies. You know, until he's ret-conned back to life in a later issue.

Goin' all in on the literary references today. On January 27 in History: 98 - Trajan becomes Roman Emperor. He will be the greatest one ever. So great, in fact, that even 1900 years later, I dare not make fun of him, just in case. 1302 - Dante Alighieri is exiled from Florence. Oh, I'm gonna write such nasty things about you guys. You just wait; everyone's going to think you're all total losers. 1343 - Pope Clement VI declares it's totally fine to sell indulgences to absolve people of their sins in exchange for money. I see no possible negative consequences for this. 1596 - Sir Francis Drake dies of dysentery, a disease characterized by its extremely violent and painful diarrhea. One of the most successful sailors/pirates/privateers/naval officers of all time died from crapping his pants. Check your pride. 1606 - Be aware, ye! Be aware, ye! The 27th of January, the trial of Guy Fawkes and Friends. For the treasonous plot of which they all had been caught, they will soon all be meeting their ends. 1756 - Mozart is born, having already composed his first three works. 1820 - Antarctica is discovered by a couple of Russian guys who no doubt mistake it for home. 1832 - Lewis Carroll is born. "Oh frabjous day! Calloo! Callay!" Dad chortled, "It's a boy!" 1869 - Rebels supporting the Tokugawa Shogunate establish the Ezo Republic on the island of Hokkaido. If it lasts a single day longer than exactly five months, I'll eat my ridiculously ostentatious ceremonial armor. 1944 - The 872 day siege of Leningrad is finally lifted, the Germans finally giving up and presumably going home. It is one of the longest, costliest, and most poorly conceived efforts resulting in zero gains in all of history until just this last week. OH! 1967 - The U.S., U.K., and U.S.S.R. agree to no nukes in space, and no military bases on the moon. Secret volcano lair stock prices soar. 1969 - Comedian Patton Oswalt is born. By his own decree, he will only ever be allowed to celebrate this about twenty times during the course of his life. 1980 - Canada successfully helps smuggle six American diplomats out of Iran. Several Academy Award statuettes are prepared in advance. 1996 - For the first time, Germany observes International Holocaust Remembrance Day. The theme for the year: "Our bad." 2011 - 16,000 protesters descend on Sana'a as the Arab Spring spreads to Yemen, whose citizens refuse to be left out of yet another trend. 2018 - Ingvar Kamprad, the founder of IKEA, dies. Complications arise at the funeral when nobody can figure out how to put his casket together.

On January 25 in history: 1533 - Henry VIII of England marries Anne Boleyn. They live happily ever after. 1573 - Takeda Shingen, the most powerful warlord in Japan, defeats a vastly outnumbered force led by Tokugawa Ieyasu and his ally Oda Nobunaga - two young upstarts who will likely never be heard from again. 1858 - Queen Victoria's daughter, Victoria, gets married. No one is ever able to choose from a selection of bridal processionals again. 1924 - The Winter Olympic Games are held for the first time, after the last two attempts prompted people to realize that holding skiing, ice hockey, and ice skating events in the middle of summer was dumb. 1942 - Thailand declares war on the U.S. and the U.K. because why the hell not? And before you say anything: Time Zones. 1996 - A man named Billy Bailey is hanged in the United States. This may not seem noteworthy until one remembers that it is 1996 and a man was just hanged in the United States. Last time, we swear. 2011 - The Egyptian Revolution begins across the country. Its biggest consequence will be the lasting impact on the nation's tourist industry. 2017 - John Hurt dies. No alien life forms are involved. That we know of.

On January 24 in History: 41 - Emperor Gaius, also known as Caligula ("little boot") is assassinated by his own bodyguards. Can't imagine what he might have done to piss them off. 76 - Birth of future Roman emperor Hadrian. He will be best known for the construction of an elaborate border wall that is more a symbol of power than an actual effective means of keeping people in or out. 1458 - Matthias Corvinus becomes one of if not the only King of Hungary that anyone not from Hungary has ever heard of. 1758 - Königsberg submits to Elizabeth of Russia and forms Russian Prussia, which is frustratingly almost impossible to form a portmanteau name for. 1848 - James Marshall finds gold at Sutter's Mill near Sacramento. Nobody overreacts. 1918 - Russia adopts the calendar that the rest of the Christian world (and even most of the rest of the world by now) has been using for centuries. Beats that time they were late to the Julian calendar bandwagon by a millennium and a half. 1933 - The U.S. government decides that a four month lame duck period for elected officials is ludicrous, and so reduces it to two and a half. Much more reasonable. 1942 - The allies bombard Bangkok, leading Thailand to join WWII on the axis side, because everyone else is playing, so why not? 1943 - FDR and Churchill have a conference in Casablanca. It is the continuation of a beautiful friendship. 1965 - Winston Churchill dies after over 90 years of heavy smoking and drinking. When he says he'll never surrender, he freaking means it. 1970 - Matthew Lillard is born. That's right; the guy from Scream who played Shaggy in the Scooby Doo movies is only a year shy of 50 years old. You may commence weeping for your mortality. 1972 - Yokoi Shōichi, a Japanese sergeant, is found hiding in the jungles of Guam. He'd been aware the war was over since 1952, but was afraid of the disgrace of being captured. There's something to be said for devotion to duty, but there's also something to be said for "Fuck it; I'm going home." 1983 - Continuing our series on nominal determinism, today marks the birth of the most appropriately named race car driver of all time, Scott Speed. 1986 - L. Ron Hubbard's soul returns to the Galactic Federation of Xenu, or whatever the hell is supposed to happen, I don't know. 2003 - The U.S. Department of Homeland Security is created. Oh, you mean the Dept. of Defense? No, it's different. Like, the Interior? No, it's different. Dept. of Justice? It's DIFFERENT!

Holy crap, you're right. Whoops.

On Jan. 21 in history: 1525 – A bunch of Swiss guys baptize each other, reasoning that a baby cannot consciously accept any religious doctrine and therefore baptizing them is pointless. These so-called Anabaptists are thus making the fatal mistake of bringing logic to a faith fight. 1789 - The first American novel, titled The Power of Sympathy: or, the Triumph of Nature Founded in Truth, is published. It is notable for being the first American novel. 1793 - Louis XVI of France ceases to be the French head of state - or head of anything, if you catch my meaning. 1801 – Australian explorer John Batman is born. John. Batman. That is all. 1861 - Future Confederate general and eventual president Jefferson Davis resigns from the United States senate, saying, "Look, this is an opportunity that I've just got to take." 1911 - The Monte Carlo Rally takes place for the first time. 23 cars participate, reaching blistering speeds of up to 13 miles per hour. 1919 – The Irish Republic declares independence, perhaps banking on the British being too tired of war to do anything about it. If so, they sorely miscalculated. 1919 again – Death of Gojong, the first Emperor of Korea. He outlived the empire he founded by eight and a half years. That's got to be a little embarrassing. 1924 – English performer Benny Hill is born. He is immediately dropped onto a freshly waxed floor and slides out the door, pursued by numerous doctors, nurses, and orderlies as he slides around the hallway causing various hijinx to ensue. 1924 again – Vladimir Lenin dies, though you wouldn't know it from looking at him today. 1950 – George Orwell dies mercifully before having to see all of his worst fears come to pass. 1953 - Paul Allen is born. He would like to point out to everyone that he got the idea for this and successfully pulled it off a full two and a half years before Bill Gates. 1981 - The DeLorean DMC-12 begins production. Good thing too, because a time machine made out of a Honda Accord looks stupid. 1997 - The U.S. House of Representatives votes overwhelmingly to scold Speaker Newt Gingrich for being very naughty. 2017 – The first annual Women's March takes place in over 400 cities in the U.S. alone and over 160 countries around the world. It is also Donald Trump's first full day in office as president. I'm sure it's just a coincidence.

On January 20 in History: 250 - Roman Emperor Decius has had enough of these Christians and their nonsense. 1265 - English Parliament, for the first time, allows representatives from prominent towns to participate along with the Lords. I tell you, this whole kingdom is going completely mad. 1649 - Charles I of England is tried for treason. In a related note, the word "treason" is redefined. 1783 - Great Britain signs a peace treaty with a group of rebellious former colonies, officially recognizing their independence. Awesome! Wow! 2009 - Barack Obama is inaugurated as the 44th president of the United States, officially ending racism forever. Huzzah! 2017 - Donald TrAAAAAAA! AAAAA! AA! AA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!-ident of the United States. 2018 - In what surely must be the world's most amusing coincidence, the United States Government shuts down.

On January 18 in History: 350 - Magnentius deposes Constans and declares himself Roman Emperor. I'm sure nothing similar will ever happen to him. 532 - The Nika riots end when Justinian reminds the Blues that he'd always been one of them. When the time came, the Blues just walked out and the Greens were all, "Oh, shit" and then soldiers killed them. By the way, when I say "reminds", I mean he also gave them a lot of gold. 1213 - Death of Tamar the Great, King of Georgia. The title was to make casual observers think she had a legitimate right to rule (read: "penis"). Georgia will never fully recover. 1486 - Henry VII marries Elizabeth of York, uniting the houses of Lancaster and York and symbolically ending the Wars of the Roses. Now to go about murdering everyone with even a drop of Plantagenet blood so this can never happen again. 1535 - Gabriel Moreira Romaní founds the city of Lima. Francisco Pizarro will take credit. He's good at taking other people's things. 1778 - James Cook discovers Hawaii, which he calls the Sandwich Islands. The Hawaiians say, "Um, hey, they already have names," and his crew says, "No more naming stuff when you're hungry, Captain." 1967 - The Boston Strangler is sentenced to life in prison after being convicted of numerous crimes, roughly half of which involved strangling people after he'd done the other half.

I wonder if Pandora was motivated to do this because of Sam's similar situation to Tedd's.

On January 15 in History: 69 - Otho takes power in Rome. Given that it's the Year of the Four Emperors, and it's January, I think we can all guess where this is going. 348 - Death of Chak Tok Ich'aak I, ruler of Tikal. Let's just call him Great Jaguar Paw. 1559 - Elizabeth I is crowned Queen of England. As long as she doesn't go on a murdering spree and let the King of Spain run the government, she'll do a better job than her predecessor. 1777 - New Connecticut declares its independence from New York, Great Britain, New Hampshire, and anyone else who might have a claim on them. Glad they didn't go with their other name idea, Green Mountain, or worse, something French. 1870 - The Democratic Party is for the first time depicted as a jackass in a political cartoon. Rather than getting all butthurt, the Dems just roll with it. 1889 - The Pemberton Medicine Company is incorporated in Atlanta to sell their medicine made from coca leaves and kola nuts. What exactly it's a medicine for is left ambiguous. 1919 - 21 people in Boston, MA drown in molasses. Don't even ask. 1929 - Birth of Martin Luther King Jr., who will only ever get to celebrate his birthday if it's on a Monday. 1965 - A band releases their first single. What band? The Who. The name of the band. The Who. The band that released the album! The Who! All right, let's come at this another way; what was the single? I Can't Explain. What? Why? No no, The Who. GAH! 1967 - The first Super Bowl is played in Los Angeles between Green Bay and Kansas City. Because that makes sense. I can't see it catching on. 1975 - Angola attains independence from Portugal. They don't get many of those; it's usually Britain or France or something. 2001 - Wikipedia goes online. Supposedly, anyway. I got that date from Wikipedia, and who knows if you can trust them. 2009 - Chesley Sullenberger and Jeffrey Skiles kill a bunch of geese and land a plane in the Hudson River, and are lauded as heroes. The world is a strange place.

On January 14 in History: 83 BCE - Birth of Marcus Antonius, arguably the most famous Roman who never ruled Rome. 1131 - Valdemar I of Denmark is born. Or, if you prefer: Han, der må ikke navngives. 1236 - For the second time in under a century, a King Henry of England marries a woman named Eleanor from southern France. God dammit, Europe. 1343 - Arnošt of Pardubice becomes the last bishop of Prague. But, good news for him, he then becomes the first Archbishop of Prague! 1539 - Spain annexes Cuba. "We'll see about this!" says absolutely nobody. 1766 - Frederick V of Denmark, son of Christian VI, dies, and is succeeded by his son, named - you'll never guess - Christian VII. This would be funnier if you'd started reading this list at the bottom. 1814 - Frederick VI of Denmark trades Norway to Charles XIII of Sweden for Pomerania, a Babe Ruth rookie card, and a limited edition Aquaman action figure mint in the box. 1939 - Norway claims Queen Maud Land in Antarctica, figuring, "Eh, arctic circle, antarctic circle, what's the difference?" 1952 - NBC airs the first episode of "Today", though their choice of title will make it semantically difficult for viewers to ever discuss past or future episodes. 1967 - A bunch of hippies flock to California to Be In San Francisco for a day to complain about the man, listen to some music, and do a whole lot of LSD. 1972 - On the death of Frederick IX, Queen Margarethe II is the first Danish monarch since 1513 to not be named Frederick or Christian. She has a three year old son who becomes her heir. He is named Frederick. 2004 - Georgia reverts to its original kingdom flag after five hundred years once it realized all the flags it's been using since then are boring and stupid. 2011 - Zine El Abidine Ben Ali, the former Tunisian president, flees to Saudi Arabia after a bunch of protests and demonstrations demanding expanded rights, freedom, and democracy. I bet he overreacted; this movement probably won't gain any traction. 2016 - Alan Rickman greets Death as an old friend, and goes with him gladly, departing this world as equals.

Let's get started on the new year. Wed. Jan. 2, 2019 Sam: 29 (2019 debut) Grace: 821 (2019 debut) Ellen: 669 (2019 debut) Fri. Jan. 4, 2019 Grace: 822 Mon. Jan. 7, 2019 Grace: 823 Gordon: 1st "appearance" Wed. Jan. 9, 2019 Grace: 824 Gordon: 2 Sam: 30 Fri. Jan. 11, 2019 Grace: 825 Sam: 31 FULL COUNT

On January 12 in History: 1528 – Gustav I is crowned King of Sweden, a job he’s held for the last four and a half years. Better late than never. 1616 – The city of Belém is founded, a gateway to the Amazon. A New Orleans of South America, you might say. You might if you’re a time traveler from 102 years in the future, that is. 1808 – The plan to save St Mary's Church, Reculver in Kent from coastal erosion is scrapped in favor of tearing it down. The English will destroy their 1100 year old historical buildings themselves before they let the bloody ocean do it, by thunder! 1908 – A long-distance radio message is sent from the Eiffel Tower, the first time said structure had ever been useful for anything. Just in time, too. It was scheduled for dismantling next year, but the city decided that since it’s now pulling its weight, it can stay. It’s still ugly, though. 1915 – The U.S. House of Representatives rejects a proposal that would have required states to allow women to vote. “What, like people? Don’t be ridiculous.” 1916 – Two German pilots, Oswald Boelcke and Max Immelmann are awarded the Pour le Mérite, the highest military honor in Imperial Germany, as the first two fighter aces ever, with eight aerial victories apiece (and counting). “Halte mein Bier,” says Manfred von Richthofen. 1930 – Tim Horton is born, and Canada is on its way to truly calling itself Canada at last. 1932 – Hattie Caraway, through a special election, is the first woman elected to the U.S. Senate. She’s from...Arkansas? Wow, really? Wouldn’t have called that. Good show down there. 1951 – The infant Rush Limbaugh is harvested from a bulbous, pulsating, putrid pustule on a demon infested stalk of corn. 1962 – With Operation Chopper, the U.S. military goes all in on the Vietnam War. Shouldn’t take long. We’ll be in and out before you know it. 1976 – Agatha Christie dies of “natural causes”, which is just what somebody wants you to think. 1991 – Congress approves U.S. military acttion against Iraq in Kuwait. We’ll be in and out before you know it. And we’ll never have to go back. 2010 – An earthquake in Haiti kills over 100,000 people and all but destroys the capital city of Port-au-Prince. Lots of people are going to want to help, but we need to be careful to avoid a huge clusterfuck that’s just going to make things wor...oh. Well, once we get it sorted out, we should be all right. No need for this to take like, ten years or anyth...oh.

That is indeed the one. It isn't every day I get to make an astronomy/Shakespeare joke wrapped in a double pun.

This contains my favorite joke I've ever written for one of these. See if you can spot it. On January 11 in History: 705 – Pope John. Vi dies, missing the bonus round by a day. 1158 - Vladislaus II of Bohemia becomes Vladislaus I of Bohemia. I swear this makes sense. 1755 – Alexander Hamilton is born. Tickets for the musical are already sold out. 1787 – Two moons of Uranus, Oberon and Titania, are discovered by William Herschel. When Uranus moons Titania and Oberon, its Bottom looks like an ass. 1815 – John A. Macdonald is born. Canadians know who George Washington is; you have no excuse. 1907 – In an astonishing example of nominal determinism, future French prime minister Pierre Mendès France is born. Imagine how awkward it would be if his family had stayed in Portugal. 1935 – Amelia Earhardt is the first person to fly solo from Hawaii to California. No word on the in-flight movie, but my money’s on “Around the World in 80 Days”, “Land of the Lost”, or “Gone Girl.” 1964 – The U.S. Surgeon General publishes a report that smoking may be hazardous to people’s health. In related news, the head of the Geological Survey concludes that recreational lava fights may cause burns. 1972 – The citizens of East Pakistan rename their country to what everybody’s already calling it anyway. 1973 – Major League Baseball decides it’s all right that if American League pitchers suck too much at hitting, old guys who suck to much at fielding can take their place. 1994 – Helmut Poppendick dies. Yeah, yeah, get it out of your system. Don’t feel bad for laughing at him though. Dude was a Nazi doctor; fuck ‘im.