Illjwamh

On January 10 in history: 49 BCE - In what some have called his "Crossing the Rubicon" moment, Julius Caesar rolls a die or something and marches on Rome. #YOLO 9 – Wang Mang declares an end to the Han dynasty and the beginning of his own, the Xin. Surely it will last for centuries. SECRET BONUS ROUND: DEAD POPES! 314 – Miltiades *DING* 681 – Agatho *DING* 1276 – Gregory X *DING* END OF BONUS ROUND 1776 - American Patriot Thomas Paine publishes "Common Sense", a pamphlet named for a trait his countrymen to this day purport to possess in abundance but in actuality sorely lack. 1861- Florida secedes from the United States, which doesn't make any sense to me because they're still part of it today, and surely no one would have been fool enough to let them back in? 1862 – Samuel Colt manages to cheat Irony, but not Death, as he succumbs to gout. 1870 - Standard Oil is incorporated by John D. Rockefeller and begins its campaign to consume all that humanity hath wrought - a banner which will later be picked up in earnest by the Disney corporation. 1920 - The Treaty of Versailles officially ends the Great War, just fourteen months after people have stopped killing each other. The United States, one of the key architects of the treaty and its provisions, does not sign. 1990 - Time Inc. and Warner Communications merge into Time Warner in a desperate but futile attempt to hold back the ravenous tide of Disney. 2012 - 30 people are killed and 78 wounded in a bombing in Pakistan. 2013 - Over 100 people are killed and 270 injured in a bombing in Pakistan. 2015 - A massive traffic accident on a highway in Pakistan kills at least 62 people. 2016 - David Bowie passes away, in what is not recognized at the time as the ominous portent of things to come that it truly is. 2016 again - Literally everybody in Pakistan freaks the hell out.

On January 9 in History: 475 – Emperor Zeno is chased out of Constantinople by his mother-in-law’s brother, a general named Basiliscus, and a few other conspirators. However, as he’s somehow able to take the entire treasury with him, he’ll probably be back. Whoopsie. 681 – King Erwig of the Visigoths initiates a number of laws targeting the Jews of Spain in the Twelfth Council of Toledo, mainly that they cannot convert back to Judaism once baptised, and allowing for confiscation of Jewish property. This is the worst thing to ever happen to Spanish Jews. 1127 – Jurchen soldiers of the Jin dynasty sack the Song capital of Bianjing, abducting the emperor while they’re at it. “We are China now,” they say. What’s left of the Song flee south and set up a new government, stubbornly insisting that they are, in fact, still China. What a weird situation. Bet nothing like that will ever happen again. 1150 – Diguani and some other court officials murder Emperor Xizong of Jin so he can take the throne. I’m calling him that instead of his regnal name because his successor will later postumously demote him to a commoner. That’ll teach him. 1349 – The residents of Basel, Switzerland, despite attempts by the city fathers to stop them, round up all the Jews and burn them at the stake in order to stop the Black Death. (The children are merely forcibly converted, because come on, they’re not monsters). For some unknown reason, it does not work. 1822 – Prince Pedro of Portugal opts to stay in Brazil when the rest of his family returns home to Lisbon after the Napoleonic Wars. He just has a good feeling about it. 1908 - Simone de Beauvoir is not born a woman but will become one. I’m being told I’m only allowed to discuss her in terms of her relationship to Jean-Paul Sartre. That doesn’t seem fair. 1913 – Richard Nixon is born. No one has ever before seen an infant with such impressive jowls. 1916 – The last allied troops finally manage to escape Gallipoli. Whew. Now we’ve all learned a valuable lesson; no one will ever commit to such a ridiculously ill-conceived military expedition again. 1955 – J.K. Simmons is born. The only way the doctors can get him to stop crying is by bringing him pictures of Spider-man. 2007 – Steve Jobs unveils Apple’s latest innovation, the iPhone. Baby Boomers rejoice that they now have a quick and easy way to deride Millennials. Millennials rejoice that they now have an excuse not to pay attention to Baby Boomers.

On January 6 in History: 1066 – Harold Godwinson is crowned King of England, largely by virtue of the fact that he is the only one of the three major claimants currently in England. He also actually speaks English, which I've heard is a plus. 1205 – Phillip of Swabia (which is in Germany) becomes King of the Romans. No Romans live within his domain. 1412 – A girl named Jehenne (Jeanne/Joan) is born in the town of Domrémy. There is no place called Arc. Is everything a lie???? 1492 – The Reconquista ends as Ferdinand and Isabella enter Granada. Barring any Re-reconquista shenanigans, that should bring an end to conflict on the Iberian Peninsula forever. 1540 – Henry VIII of England marries Anne of Cleves. THIS one’s gonna last, you guys. 1690 – Joseph, King of Hungary, becomes King of the Romans. No Romans live there, either. 1839 – A massively powerful windstorm sweeps across Ireland, destroying over 20% of all houses in Dublin. The Irish are so traumatized, they can’t think of any better name for this than “The Night of the Big Wind”. No, really. 1919 – Theodore Roosevelt dies in his sleep. As Vice President Thomas Marshall observes, Death had to take him sleeping; if he’d been awake, there would have been a fight. 1984 – Kate McKinnon is born, already impersonating several other famous babies. 1995 – A terrorist plot to assassinate the Pope and blow up 11 commercial airliners is foiled when police investigate a chemical fire at the Manila apartment of the two plotters, and one of them is caught after tripping over a tree root while running away. Try to picture it without including cartoon sound effects. You can’t.

On January 5 in History: 1066 – Edward the Confessor dies without any heirs. Three rival claimants to the throne emerge. Dude, you had ONE JOB. 1477 – Duke Charles the Bold of Burgundy dies at the Battle of Nancy without any male heirs, leaving the way open for his daughter’s later marriage to spark a 500 year territorial dispute between Germany and France. DUDE. ONE JOB! 1781 – Richmond, Virginia is razed by British troops under the command of a man whose name is an American byword for traitor. Wonder how that came about. 1919 – The German Workers’ Party is established. The good news is, they’ll only last a little over a year. The bad news is, you’re not going to like their successor party. 1941 – Miyazaki Hayao is born. I wonder if the events of the time will in any way influence his later work. 1953 – Samuel Beckett premiers his play about two guys sitting around waiting for another guy who never shows up. Sounds riveting. 1978 – January Jones is born. She is named after a character from a novel, which makes her parents seem much less lazy and uncreative once you know that. 2005 – Eris, the most massive dwarf planet in the solar system, is discovered, marking the beginning of the downfall of Pluto.

On Jan. 4 in History: 1642 - Charles I of England tries to have several members of Parliament arrested. There is some resistance to the idea, to say the least. 1643 - Sir Isaac Newton is born. Yes, today. Not on Christmas, because the Julian Calendar is stupid. 1649 - The remnants of Parliament (known as the "Rump" Parliament) vote to put Charles I on trial for treason. Best served cold, indeed! 1847 - Samuel Colt sells his revolver to the U.S. government, who immediately place an order for 10 million more, despite the military saying they only need around 120,000. 1853 - Solomon Northup regains his freedom after being kidnapped and forced into slavery 12 years prior. Several Academy Award Statuettes are prepared in advance. 1854 - In a remarkable coincidence, the McDonald Islands are discovered by none other than Captain William McDonald. What are the odds? Problems arise when his ship won't fit in the drive thru lane. 1865 - The New York Stock Exchange opens out of the growing need for a quick shorthand method of measuring the country's prosperity without actually talking to any people. 1889 - Feeling they've kept up the pretense long enough, the U.S. government backs out on yet another deal with Native Americans and opens up vast swaths of land in Oklahoma for settlement on a "first come, first serve" basis, to begin on April 22. Of course everyone waits patiently for that date to arrive, and everything is done entirely above-board. 1903 - Topsy the elephant is electrocuted. The execution was recorded by Thomas Edison's film company. While it is true that Edison once often electrocuted animals in attempts to discredit Nikola Tesla's AC power, that dispute is long since settled and Edison is involved now purely "for the lulz." 1958 - Sputnik 1 falls to Earth after three successful months of beeping. 1999 - Former pro wrestler Jesse Ventura is sworn is as governor of Minnesota. Americans are assured this is the silliest that U.S. politics will ever get.

On January 3rd in History: 1521 - Martin Luther is excommunicated. The older boys kicked him out of their club for pointing out their rules were stupid. 1777 - George Washington defeats Lord Cornwallis at the Battle of Princeton. Foreshadowing! 1823 - The Mexican government awards a grant of land in Texas to one Stephen F. Austin. They will come to regret this. 1861 - Delaware votes not to secede from the United States. Allegations that this was solely so they wouldn't lose their spot as "first state" are denied vigorously and with much huffing. 1868 - The Tokugawa shogunate is abolished, paving the way for the emperor of Japan to actually do things that emperors do. 1892 - J.R.R. Tolkien is born, altering the course of nerd subculture for generations. 1925 - Benito Mussolini casually announces that he is taking over Italy and forming a dictatorship, and what are you going to do about it? Nothing? Thought so. 1947 - For the first time, proceedings of the U.S. Congress are televised. For the last time, people watch them. 1959 - Alaska becomes the 49th state. The fact that no one lives in Alaska and you have to go through Canada to get there is apparently deemed irrelevant. 1961 - The United States cuts off all ties to Cuba and proceeds to give them the silent treatment for the next 54 years, because we're totally mature like that. 1977 - A tiny little startup called Apple Computers is incorporated. I doubt it'll last. 1994 - Over 7 million people become South African citizens as a result of the end of apartheid. The run on the DMV is insane. 2000 - The last original Peanuts strip is published. Those who hope it can fade away with dignity are about to be sorely disappointed.

On January 2 in history: 533 - The new Pope, Mercurius, changes his name to John (the first Pope to do such a thing), since he doesn't think it's fitting for a Pope to be named for a pagan god. Too bad nobody ever told Zephyrinus or Dionysius. Damn, it's totally his fault we don't have cool Pope names anymore isn't it? 1492 - Spaniards to the Moors of Granada (and in general): GTFO! 1777 - The British try to come back into Trenton, but George Washington kicks their pink asses at Assunpink Creek. I'm twelve. 1833 - Two British naval vessels arrive at the Falkland Islands with the message, "I don't know what you lot think you're doing over there, but these are still ours, thank you very much." 1920 - Isaac Asimov is born. To robots, probably. 1967 - Hollywood actor Ronald Reagan is elected governor of California in what all agree is American political culture's peak level of ridiculousness. 1980 - President Jimmy Carter, feeling quite salty, lets the Russian government know in no uncertain terms that military intervention in Afghanistan is not acceptable. It is a position the U.S. government will continue to hold until they want to do it.

Every day is Saint Somebody's Day. On Jan. 1 in history: 45 BCE - The Julian calendar takes effect, meaning that for the first time, this is officially the beginning of a new year. 42 BCE - Julius Caesar is posthumously deified. I'm sure he appreciates it. 69 - A bunch of Roman soldiers decide they don't want Galba to be emperor and declare for Vitellius instead. It won't end well for either of them. 193 - In a bizarre twist, this time it is the new emperor himself, Pertinax, who doesn't want to be emperor. Can't imagine why. 414 - The emperor's half-sister, Galla Placidia, marries the king of the Visigoths in a lavish and elaborate royal wedding. The 24 hour news cycle laments that it does not yet exist. 417 - The emperor's half-sister, Galla Placidia, marries one of Rome's top generals, who...wait, what? 1259 - Michael VIII is proclaimed co-emperor of the ERE along with John IV. If you read the Christmas entry, you know they'll get along swimmingly. 1515 - Francis I of France becomes king of France. I'm only putting it on here because I'm amazed it took roughly 1,000 years for this to happen. 1600 - Scotland decides that March 25 is a dumb day to start the new year. 1735 - Paul Revere is born, which means that even though several other notable people were born on this date as well, I won't be mentioning any of them. 1801 - Great Britain and Ireland unite to become the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland. They remain best buds forever. 1808 - The importation of slavery is banned in the United States. It seriously took this long for them to do that. Bear in mind that you can still own slaves, and you can still "breed" slaves, you just can't bring any new ones into the country. Because that would be barbaric. 1863 - Abraham Lincoln frees all slaves in the lands he does not control, and none of them in the lands he does. 1908 - The first Times Square ball drop is held. Dick Clark hosts. 1959 - Cuban dictator Fulgencio Batista is overthrown by a plucky band of rebels led by a chap named Fidel Castro. 1962 - Western Samoa attains independence from...New Zealand? Wow, really? 1983 - ARPANET switches to the Internet Protocol, creating the Internet and fulfilling Al Gore's glorious vision. 1984 - AT&T is broken up. 22 Bell companies emerge in what is spectacular foreshadowing for that one scene in Terminator 2 when the frozen T-1000 gets shot and shattered in the steel mill. You know the one I'm talking about. 1999 - The Euro currency is introduced, to the delight of coin collectors everywhere.

On Dec. 31 in History: 192 - Emperor Commodus is killed, not by Russel Crowe in a gladiatorial arena, but by being strangled to death in a bath. Makes for less engaging cinema. 1225 - 7 year old Lý Chiêu Hoàng, the only reigning empress in Vietnam's history, ends her family's 216 year dynasty and abdicates in favor of her 7 year old husband Trần Thái Tông. Because having a child ruler is one thing, but a child ruler without a penis? Ridiculous! 1660 - Louis XIV of France sees nothing wrong with naming James, an heir to the English throne, as Duke of Normandy. There are zero precedents indicating this might be a bad idea. 1759 - Arthur Guinness signs a lease for land in Dublin to start making his beer. At £45 a year, it may seem a bit pricey now, but when you factor in that the lease is for 9,000 years, it may end up being worth the investment. 1857 - Queen Victoria chooses the small logging town of Ottawa as the capital of Canada, presumably by throwing darts at a map while drunk. 1862 - West Virginia successfully secedes from Virginia and becomes a state in its own right. Most people are too busy killing each other to appreciate the irony, which is a shame, as it's very amusing. 1879 - Thomas Edison demonstrates his incandescent light bulb for the first time in New Jersey. Cartoon characters around the country suddenly start getting ideas. 1907 - The first annual transformation of Times Square into a toilet for thousands of people is held. 1943 - John Denver is born several thousand miles from West Virginia. 1992 - Czechoslovakia decides its name is too long and splits in half. There may have been other factors involved. 1993 - Brandon Teena is murdered for having the gall to report his transphobic rapists, but that's not funny at all so I'm not going to put it on here. Wait....shit. 1994 - This day does not exist in Kiribati, due to shifting time zones 24 hours ahead. The I-Kiribati are disappointed to learn that they did not actually travel into the future. 1999 - Russian president Boris Yeltsin resigns, leaving Prime Minister Vladimir Putin in charge. Excellent, the mechanisms of democracy appear to be running smoothly. 1999 again - Panama attains control of the Panama Canal for the first time in history. Thought is given to changing the name, but they ultimately decide to stick with what everyone already knows.

And at last, the year-end wrap-up. I love these. Characters Introduced This Year Van Will of Magic Golem Kevin Bernard Crazy Uryuom Asian Immortal Mustache Immortal Hanma Spiky Girl Rounded Girl Chad Camdin *Like last year, most of these are one-offs and extras. All but the first four, and presumably Camdin, who was only introduced in the final week of the year. Characters Returning After a Year or More Lucy (2013) Larry (2014) Rich (2014) George (2014) Elijah (2014) Rick (2014) Rhoda (2015) Luke (2015) Sam (2015) Greg (2016) Max (2016) Charlotte (2016) *No really long droughts this year. The longest is only five years. This Year's Count (Main characters bold, new characters italic) Diane: 39 Ellen: 37 Ashley: 35 Elliot: 33 Tedd: 30 Arthur: 27 Magus: 26 Lucy: 21 Grace: 20 Sarah: 18 Will of Magic: 15 Van: 14 Rhoda: 13 Golem: 12 Justin: 11 Mr. Raven: 11 Kevin: 11 Susan: 9 Sirleck: 9 Luke: 6 Pandora: 5 Zeus: 5 Nanase: 4 Sam: 4 Mr. Tensaided: 3 Spiky Girl: 3 Rounded Girl: 3 Mr. Dunkel: 2 Mrs. Dunkel: 2 Li'l Nase: 2 Voltaire: 2 Heka: 2 Gullet: 2 Small Eyes: 2 Sybil: 2 Camdin: 2 Mr. Verres: 1 Greg: 1 Demitrius: 1 Helena: 1 Terra: 1 Larry: 1 Rich: 1 George: 1 Max: 1 Elijah: 1 Rick: 1 Charlotte: 1 Aussie Vampire: 1 Bernard: 1 Crazy Uryuom: 1 Asian Immortal: 1 Mustache Immortal: 1 Hanma: 1 Chad: 1 *Diane becomes only the sixth character to take the top spot, after Elliot (7x), Grace (5x), Ellen (2x), Nanase (3x), and Sarah (1x). It is her first time cracking the top three at all. **The first time since 2014 that the top three have all been main characters (Ashley ranked #2 in 2015, but was not yet counted as a main character). ***At 23rd, this is Nanase's lowest ranking yet, and third time outside the top 15 (and second year in a row).

And now, the final update of the year! Wed. Dec. 19, 2018 Tedd: 742 Justin: 425 Grace: 818 Sarah: 648 Fri. Dec. 21, 2018 Luke: 63 Camdin: 1st appearance *Some might assume Camdin is whom Luke was talking to on the phone in his car during the Card Tournament arc, but as that has not been confirmed, it doesn't count. (Plus, I kinda feel like Dan would've linked to it in the commentary if it were.) Mon. Dec. 24, 2018 Luke: 64 Camdin: 2 Fri. Dec. 28, 2018 Grace: 819 Ellen: 667 Mon. Dec. 31, 2018 Grace: 820 Ellen: 668 FULL COUNT

On Dec. 30 in History: 999 - The forces of Munster and Meath under King Brian Boru defeat the forces of Leinster and Dublin at the Battle of Glenmama during the Leinster revolt. If you're wondering how the revolt ends, know that this was the only battle fought in it. 1066 - The Jewish vizier is crucified and most of the Jewish population of Granada are killed by a Muslim mob. Poor Jews just cannot catch a break. 1460 - Richard, Duke of York is killed by Lancastrians at the Battle of Wakefield during the Wars of the Roses. His claim to the throne dies with him; I mean, it's not like he has a son or anyth- oh, god dammit. 1816 = A Treaty of St. Louis is proclaimed, in which the Ojibwa, Ottawa, and Potawatomi cede lands to the U.S. in exchange for some stuff. The type of stuff is not specified. 1825 - Another Treat of St. Louis is proclaimed, in which the Shawnee cede lands to the U.S. in exchange for $11,000 and a five year lease on a blacksmith shop. Also they'll be best friends now. 1853 - U.S. ambassador to Mexico James Gadsden signs a deal for a spit of land along the border. Ostensibly this is to facilitate railroad construction, but the real reason is so that maps of the continental U.S. don't look like a mouse has been chewing on them. 1869 - Humorist Stephen Leacock, one of the most prominent Canadians of all time, is born. I'm including this because he had a house in Orillia, where my family is from. It's all about ME! 1896 - Ernie McLea scores the first to score a hat-trick in Stanley Cup play, leading the Montréal Victorias to...ah, victory over the Winnipeg Victorias. The latter team is presumably required to change their name. 1916 - Rasputin is shot three times and dies. His body is thrown in a river. Everything else about his assassination is unsubstantiated urban legend, but it sure is more exciting 1922 - The soviet states of Russia, Transcaucasia, Ukraine, and Byelorussia form a new club. 1928 - Bo Diddley is born. I don't know for a fact that his first cries are in the form of his famous beat, but I choose to believe it is true. 1947 - Michael I, the last king of Romania, is forced to abdicate by communists supported by the club mentioned above. Given this, is his regnal number really necessary? 1958 - The Guatemalan Air Force sinks some Mexican fishing boats over a border dispute, because apparently they have nothing better to do. 2006 - Saddam Hussein is executed. That ought to put an end to all the violence in the region.

On Dec. 25 in History: 333 - Constantine the Great raises his youngest son Constans to the rank of Caesar, a.k.a. "Practice Emperor". 336 - Romans celebrate Saturnalia like they always do, but for PR reasons they call it "Christmas" now. 496 - Clovis I of the Franks gets his head dunked into some water and changes the course of the entire Western Hemisphere for thousands of years to come. 597 - Augustine of Canterbury (and some other guys) baptize somewhere in the vicinity of 10,000 Anglo-Saxons in Kent. Quoth the Anglo-Saxon king: "There will be a pipeline." ~ INTERIM LIGHTING ROUND! CORONATIONS~ (CUE BENNY HILL THEME) 800 - Charlemagne - Holy Roman Emperor (Whose successors will never hold Rome) 820 - Michael II - Eastern Roman Emperor (wait for it...) 1025 - Mieszko II of Poland (try to pronounce it; I'll wait) 1066 - William of England (who took with it a nice upgrade from "Bastard" to "Conqueror") 1076 - Bolesław II of Poland (goes great with sloppy joes) 1100 - Baldwin I of Jerusalem (his line would continue uncontested forever) 1130 - Roger II of Sicily (who, despite what you might think, is the FIRST king of Sicily) ~LIGHTNING ROUND OVER~ 820 - Emperor Leo V is assassinated in a church by a bunch of assassins disguised as monks. His successor, Michael II (who hired them), was imprisoned in the basement, but they couldn't get him out because the key was on the person of the recently deceased emperor, whose dismembered body they had unceremoniously tossed out into the snow. He was thus crowned while still clad in irons.There was no need for me to add any embellishments on this one. 1261 - Carrying on the tradition of his namesake, Michael VIII has his co-ruler John IV deposed - and blinded for good measure. It's Christmas in Byzantium! 1776 - George Washington leads a surprise assault on a camp full of hungover Germans. This is re-enacted every year with employees at the return desk unwillingly playing the part of the Germans. 1868 - In an unpopular move, President Andrew Johnson recognizes that it would be impractical and detrimental to society to try the entire workforce of half the country's land area for treason. 1914 - Across the Western Front of World War I, a number of truces break out as impromptu football (soccer) matches spring up. The carnage that ensues from the riots that arise among the spectators is so horrible that this is not repeated for the remainder of the war. 1935 - Regina Jonas is ordained as the first female rabbi in history. This is heavily criticized by some for being "Completely unorthodox!" 1950 - Feeling that their Scottish identity is being eroded away by the union with England, a group of university students orchestrate an elaborate and ultimately successful heist to steal a rock. 2009 - Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab attempts to launch a terrorist suicide attack over the city of Detroit. Despite thorough planning, he succeeds only in lighting his nuts on fire.

On Christmas Eve in History: 820 - A group of conspirators dressed as monks enter the palace chapel to assassinate Byzantine emperor Leo V. At first they kill the priest by mistake, giving Leo enough time to snatch a big cross from the altar to defend himself. Cannot make this stuff up. To be continued tomorrow... 1166 - Prince John of England is born. The fourth son of Henry II, he is unlikely to ever be king, or do anything significant whatsoever. 1737 - Armies of the Maratha Empire defeat the combined forces of the Mughal Empire, Jaipur, Hyderabad, Awadh, and Bengal at the Battle of Bhopal. Bring it OOOONNNNNN! 1777 - James Cook discovers an island. Because he's running out of things to call his discoveries, he just names it Christmas Island because that's when he found it. We know it today as Kiritimati, which is the natives' closest approximate pronunciation of the holiday. 1800 - The Machine infernale plot, a conspiracy to assassinate Napoleon Bonaparte with a wine cart filled with gunpowder, fails when the dude whose ONE JOB was to signal when Napoleon was coming freaks out and doesn't do that. The explosion is late and kills some civilians, along with the innocent girl they'd asked to hold the carthorse's reins for them.. 1814 - The Treaty of Ghent ends the War of 1812, only six months of which actually took place in 1812, and which will continue for another two months into 1815. Whatever. 1913 - 73 people die in Calumet, Michigan when somebody falsely yells "Fire!" in a crowded theatre, in case you ever wondered why people are always saying you can't do that. 1946 - Jeff Sessions is the unholy offspring of a Keebler Elf and a pile of wood chippings wrapped in a Confederate flag. 1951 - Libya becomes independent of Italy, and Idris I becomes king, beginning what will surely be a long and prolific dynasty. 1968 - The crew of Apollo 8 become the first humans to visit the moon. The freaking MOON. I cannot overstate the magnitude of this achievement, especially considering they probably spent less time planning for the trip than my mother does when she goes to Hawaii. 1980 - Death of Karl Dönitz, notable for being the only Führer of Germany NOT to order the extermination of all Jews, and for being the only head of state in history to be convicted by an international tribunal until 2012.

Happy Festivus for the rest of us! On December 23 in History: 583 - Yohl Ik'nal becomes queen of Palenque. No word on whether she has to pretend to be a dude to do it. Either the Mayans are more progressive than that, or they are properly ashamed and remove any evidence from the written record. 679 - King Dagobert II is killed in a hunting "accident". And by accident, I mean murder. Prince Catobert is questioned, but no charges are filed. 1688 - James II of England gloriously runs away to France. 1783 - George Washington resigns as Commander-in-Chief of the Continental Army. "Not so fast!" say the framers of the U.S. Constitution. 1919 - The United Kingdom officially recognizes women as people. 1954 - First successful kidney transplant. Ominously unknown: number of unsuccessful prior attempts. 1970 - The North Tower of the World Trade Center in New York City becomes the tallest building in the world. "Not so fast!" say the builders of the Sears (later Willis) Tower in Chicago. Jesus, what did you think I was going to say? 2002 - Finn Wolfhard is born, making him chronologically 30 years younger than every character he will ever portray.

On December 20 in History: 69 - The Roman Senate officially recognizes Vespasian as emperor, bringing an end to the Year of the Four Emperors. There will never be anything this chaotic and ridiculous again. 1192 - Leopold V of Austria captures Richard the Lionheart on his way home from the Crusades, in part because Richard threw his flag down one time. Excommunication is a small price to pay for such sweet revenge! 1606 - The Virginia Company sends three ships full of people to establish a colony in North America that they can name after the king. No on is allowed to mention the word "Roanoke" for the entire journey. 1860 - "Screw you guys, I'm going home." ~South Carolina 1924 - A fully rehabilitated Adolf Hitler is released from prison. 1946 - It's A Wonderful Life premiers to mixed reviews, box office failure, and accusations of supporting communism. Just another footnote in film history. 1971 - The French doctor Bernard Kouchner founds Doctors Without Borders along with a group of journalists. First order of business: recruit some more actual doctors. 1996 - The bundle of stardust that is Carl Sagan ceases all self-sustaining chemical processes. 1999 - Portugal returns Macau to China after 442 years. Think about that the next time your neighbor is late returning something they borrowed.

Two cookies for me!

Wow, it's been longer than I thought! Time to get one more update in before Christmas; the next one will probably be the end-of-year final tally. Mon. Nov. 12, 2018 Grace: 804 Sam: 25 (1st appearance since 2015) Sarah: 636 Wed. Nov. 14, 2018 Grace: 805 Sarah: 637 Fri. Nov. 16, 2018 Sarah: 638 Sam: 26 Mon. Nov. 19, 2018 Grace: 806 Sarah: 639 Sam: 27 Wed. Nov. 21, 2018 Sarah: 640 Grace: 807 Sam: 28 Fri. Nov. 23, 2018 Grace: 808 Mon. Nov. 26, 2018 Justin: 418 Grace: 809 Wed. Nov. 28, 2018 Justin: 419 Grace: 810 Luke: 59 (1st appearance since 2015) Fri. Nov. 30, 2018 Grace: 811 Luke: 60 Justin: 420 Sarah: 641 Tedd: 737 Mon. Dec. 3, 2018 Grace: 812 Sarah: 642 Tedd: 738 Luke: 61 Justin: 421 Wed. Dec. 5, 2018 Justin: 422 Luke: 62 Mr. Tensaided: 64 Sarah: 643 Fri. Dec. 7, 2018 Grace: 813 Mon. Dec. 10, 2018 Grace: 814 Sarah: 644 Wed. Dec. 12, 2018 Sarah: 645 Grace: 815 Larry: 34 (1st appearance since 2014) Rich: 26 (1st appearance since 2014) Tedd: 739 Mr. Tensaided: 65 George: 46 (1st appearance since 2014) Fri. Dec. 14, 2018 Grace: 816 Justin: 423 Sarah: 646 Tedd: 740 Mon. Dec. 17, 2018 Justin: 424 Grace: 817 Tedd: 741 Sarah: 647 FULL COUNT:

On December 15 in History: 37 - Agrippina the Younger gives birth to future emperor Nero. She will come to regret this. 1025 - After 63 years as co-emperor to his father, his step-father, his uncle, and finally his older brother, Constantine VIII becomes sole Byzantine Emperor. His most defining characteristic is not giving a shit. He's getting on in years, so he hasn't got much time left to completely tank Byzantium's economic, diplomatic, and military standing. 1467 - At the Battle of Baia, which will end in his defeat and the end of his attempts to subdue Moldavia, Hungarian king Matthias Corvinus is shot in the back by not one, not two, but three arrows. His knights manage to carry him away before the battle becomes a full-on slapstick routine. 1791 - The U.S. Bill of Rights becomes law upon being ratified by the state of Virginia. They were so in a hurry to pass these first ten amendments that they were not overly careful or specific about the wording. Oh well, I'm sure it'll be fine. 1890 - Lakota leader Tȟatȟáŋka Íyotake, also known as Sitting Bull, is killed during a botched arrest for the terrible crime of maybe, possibly, considering joining a new religious movement, we think. 1917 - Russia, re: The Great War: "We're out." 1960 - Richard Pavlick is arrested for plotting to assassinate presidential candidate John F. Kennedy. Wow, dodged a bullet there! Can you imagine, Kennedy assassinated? 1966 - Death of Walt Disney. OR SO THEY SAY. 1973 - Being gay is no longer considered a psychiatric disorder, according to American psychiatrists. In other news, having freckles is no longer considered a skin condition. 1978 - Thanks to Jimmy Carter, "China" gets a lot bigger all of a sudden. 2001 - The Leaning Tower of Pisa reopens after $27,000,000 had been spent over 11 years to stabilize it. They must have eventually just given up, because it's still leaning.

The modern understanding of the word "romance" is fairly recent. It used to mean something different, much closer to the modern meanings of epic or adventure.

On December 12 in History: 627 - A Byzantine victory over the Sassanid Persians at the Battle of Nineveh re-tilts the regional balance of power toward Constantinople. Nothing short of an emerging new religion sweeping through the region and conquering everything in its path will unseat them now, but what are the odds of that happening? 1098 - In the First Crusade, the Siege of Ma'arrat al-Numan comes to an end, and the invading crusaders murder approximately 20,000 of the city's Muslim inhabitants, and then eat them. For Jesus! 1298 - Duke Albert II of Austria is born. 1418 - ARCHduke Albert IV of Austria is born. Haha, suck it! 1787 - Pennsylvania ratifies the U.S. Constitution. Their delegate excitedly delivers a message with just one word: "First!" He is embarrassed to find Delaware has already come and gone. 1863 - Edvard Munch is born screaming. 1915 - The first president of the Republic of China, Yuan Shikai, decides he would rather be emperor. Nobody saw this coming. 1941 - Britain declares war on Bulgaria, Hungary and Romania declare war on the U.S., India declares war on Japan, and Hitler declares that all Jews will soon die. Was there something in the water? 1963 - Kenya becomes independent from the UK. Wait for it... 1964 - Prime Minister Jomo Kenyatta becomes Kenya's first president. And you thought our elections took forever. 2000 - The U.S. Supreme Court decides that counting once is enough. It's like my dad always taught me: "Measure twice cut once, unless the first measurement was what you wanted and you don't want to risk it changing." 2015 - The Paris Agreement on climate change is adopted. Every nation on Earth is involved, even North Korea. They are all required to come up with their own rules for what they think they should do, and enforcement is based on the honor system. Not even a narcissistic idiot could find that too constricting. 2017 - Doug Jones of Alabama defeats a pedophile in a special election for senator, and this is treated as a major accomplishment.

This one's vintage. Made it five years ago. On December 11 in History: 220 - The Three Kingdoms period begins in China. Westerners will only learn of this centuries later via video games. 361 - Julian enters Constantinople as the sole emperor of Rome. "Oh by the way, that whole Christian thing? Yeah, we're not doing that anymore." 630 - Muhammad conquers Mecca with an army of 10,000. Total casualties (on both sides) amount to 14 dead. There is nothing funny I can say that will make that sound any more insane than it already does. 1241 - The death of Ögedei Khan and the need to return to Karakorum to choose a successor is the only reason all Europeans aren't speaking Mongolian. 1282 - The last native Prince of Wales, the appropriately titled Llywelyn the Last, is killed. Welsh heralds will later decide in hindsight they should have gone with their other idea, Llywelyn the Prolifically-Reproducing English-Killer. 1688 - James II of England, while fleeing to France from the Glorious Revolution, throws his Great Seal of the Realm into the Thames, apparently under the assumption that government could not function without it. William and Mary counter his diabolically clever scheme through the ingenious and expedient measure of making a new one. 1792 - French King Louis XVI is put on trial for treason. Despite several attempts to pardon himself, no one is buying it. 1830 - Birth of Kamehameha V of Hawaii, the king whose fame as a ki-based fighting technique will long outlive his accomplishments as a ruler. 1868 - The Battle of Avay in the Paraguayan War leads to Paraguayan defeat at the hands of Brazilian forces. High school students around the world remain astonished to this day upon learning the Paraguayan War was a thing. 1872 - Death of Kamehameha V. Too bad he didn't make his birthday wish on the Dragonballs. 1917 - British General Edmund Allenby enters Jerusalem and declares martial law, because it just wouldn't be a global war without someone invading Jerusalem. 1931 - The Statute of Westminster establishes legislative equality between Great Britain and the autonomous dominions of the Commonwealth. "Wot wot, let them do as they like, as long as we don't start seeing flags with bloody leaves on them or some such nonsense." 1936 - King Edward VIII abdicates in order to keep boning some American chick, paving the way for his brother George VI's coronation three days later. Several Academy Award statuettes are prepared in advance. 1941 - Germany and Italy declare war on the United States, increasing the scope of World War II. For both countries, this is their second-dumbest move of the conflict. For Germany, it is only beaten by Operation Barbarossa, and for Italy, it is trumped only by the decision to be in the war in the first place. 1941 again - Poland declares war on Japan. Then or now, no one considers this relevant. 1972 - The astronauts of Apollo 17 are the last humans to set foot on the moon. Apparently the infinite possibilities of exploring worlds beyond our own just got boring, or something. 2008 - Bernie Madoff is arrested on charges of running a $50 billion dollar Ponzi scheme. When polled regarding whether white collar crimes should be punished as severely as violent crimes, over 50 million Americans are quoted as saying, "Fuck that guy."

On December 10 in History: 220 - The Han dynasty finally comes to an end after more than 400 years with the abdication of Emperor Xian. But does it really? The Chinese people, writing system, ethnicity, and national identity still take their names from it. Lol, imagine if we still called ourselves Romans and named stuff in Latin. 1317 - King Birger of Sweden invites his brothers, dukes Valdemar and Eric, to a Christmas banquet. It is meant as reconciliation for the brothers' coup attempt several years prior. The dukes' retinues are put up in the nearby town of Nyköping due to space concerns. This allows the king to easily arrest his brothers and throw them in a dungeon where they will later starve, then easily round up their men. The more you learn about history, the more you start to think George R.R. Martin is just lazy. 1508 - The Pope, the Holy Roman Emperor, and the kings of France and Aragon team up to curb the influence of Venice. The Pope will later decide he hates the king of France more, and will team up with Venice to fight him. Seven years of fighting will result in everything going back to the way it was. Fun! 1541 - Two men, Thomas Culpeper and Francis Dareham, are executed by Henry VIII of England. Culpeper for allegedly having an affair with the queen, Catherine Howard, and Dareham for *definitely* having an affair with her, but before she was queen. This is wife number 5 we're talking about; Henry is through fucking around, if you'll pardon the pun. 1768 - The Encyclopedia Britannica is first published. A collection of general knowledge from around the world, it spans three whole volumes! Imagine! 1799 - France adopts the meter - excuse me, the metre - as its official unit of length. If you're wondering why Britain won't for the next 150 years or so, this is why. 1830 - Emily Dickinson is born. She dislikes the experience so much that she never goes outside again. 1868 - The world's first traffic light is installed outside the Palace of Westminster. Using semaphore arms and illuminated at night by red and green gas lamps, it is perhaps most impressive in that the first car will not exist for another 17 years. 1884 - The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is published. More even than being a literary masterpiece, its most important achievement will be forcing future generations to confront the uncomfortable realities of racism and slavery in the American south. Seriously, watch someone try to read this aloud in a diverse academic setting. It's hilarious. As long as it's not you. 1936 - Edward VIII officially signs away his claim to the British throne in order to marry Wallis Simpson. The power of boners is strong. 1963 - Zanzibar becomes a constitutional monarchy after the UK terminates its protectorate status. This new government is strong and will surely last for slightly more than a month. 1983 - The military junta ends in Argentina with the inauguration of Raúl Alfonsín as president. This means Argentinian democracy is younger than I am; I know I'd be wary trusting national government to a 35 year-0ld. 1984 - The United Nations agree that torture is bad, and we should not do it.

A date which will live in infamy. On December 7 in History: 43 BCE - Marcus Tullius Cicero ("Tully") is assassinated. That's really going around. 574 - Emperor Justin II abdicates the throne in favor of one of his generals, Tiberius. Given that he suffers frequent bouts of insanity, and over the previous two years has lost vast swaths of land in Syria and Italy, nobody really minds. 1776 - Gilbert du Motier, also known as the Marquis de Lafayette, enters the fledgling American military as a major general. The Americans will never forget this, and the French will be grateful for it as well 141 years later. 1787 - Delaware is the first state to ratify the U.S. Constitution. This remains the only interesting thing anybody knows about Delaware. 1869 - Jesse James commits his first (confirmed) bank robbery. It is neither the beginning nor the end of America's weird penchant for making folk heroes out of its violent criminals. 1917 - Figuring that since they're already over there fighting Germany anyway, (you're welcome, Lafayette), the United States declares war on Austria-Hungary too. 1930 - America's first television commercial is broadcast in Boston, MA. The degradation of our culture has continued uninterrupted ever since. 1941 - In an attack meant to immediately follow a formal declaration of war (but actually preceding it by three hours), the Japanese Imperial Navy launches a surprise assault on the U.S. naval base at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. The intention is to preemptively knock the United States out of the Pacific War. Upon later reflection, the plan is considered by many to have been ill-conceived. 1949 - The government of the Republic of China moves to Taipei in Taiwan. To many westerners, China gets really small all of a sudden. 1965 - The Pope and the Ecumenical Patriarch simultaneously un-excommunicate each other (and by extension their offices), retroactively freeing each others' predecessors from the pits of Hell where they'd all apparently been going since 1054. Nice of them. 1988 - Yasser Arafat recognizes Israel's right to exist. Everything in the region is sunshine and rainbows from this point on. 2017 - Australia decides same-sex marriages are fine. Everything is actual, non-sarcastic rainbows.

On December 5 in History: 63 BCE - Cicero publicly trashes Catiline for the fourth and final time. He's not allowed to voice his opinion on sentencing, but nobody unable to subtly hint at execution without outright saying it could ever be made Roman consul. 1492 - Christopher Columbus becomes the first European to set foot on the island of Hispaniola. If the natives there had been more like the North Sentinalese, history would be very different. 1496 - Under pressure from Ferdinand and Isabella of Spain, King Manuel I of Portugal issues a decree for the expulsion of all heretics from his realm so he can marry their daughter. And by "heretics", he of course means Jews. The power of boners is strong. 1782 - Future 8th U.S. president Martin van Buren is born an American citizen, the first president to be so. Don't worry, this doesn't mean the first seven don't count. 1875 - Sir Arthur Currie is born in Napperton, Ontario. Bet you didn't know one of the greatest generals of WWI was Canadian, did you? Unless you're Canadian. Then you probably knew. 1901 - Eventual overlord of all things the light touches, Walter Elias Disney, is born. 1933 - The U.S. government decides that asking people to endure the Great Depression without alcohol is unreasonable, and amends the Constitution accordingly. 1955 - Black people in Montgomery, Alabama stop taking the bus. White city authorities are outraged by their audacity. 2004 - Same-sex couples in the U.K. can legally and officially have equal rights and privileges as married couples, just separate from marriage and called something else. Same difference, right? 2013 - Death of Nelson Mandela. Even the vuvuzelas fall silent this day.