Illjwamh

On October 25 in History: 285(ish) - Shoemakers Crispin and Crispinian are executed for Christianing under Emperor Diocletian. They are thrown to the bottom of the barrel, where they will later be scraped out by Church leaders trying to come up with excuses for feasts. 1147 - Crusader forces successfully Reconquist the city of Lisbon. I mean, it's no Guimarães and certainly no Coimbra, but every little bit helps. 1154 - Death of English King Stephen, which, while nothing against him personally, is honestly some of the best news England has had in a while. 1415 - Some lightly armed English archers and infantry under Henry V beat the ever-loving shit out of a much larger, heavily armed and mounted French force at the Battle of Agincourt. To understand the magnitude of this victory, imagine that a Little League team beat the New York Yankees by a score of 378 to 12. Jokes about French military impotence will continue unabated until the present day, with only a brief interruption in the early 19th century. 1747 - 14 British ships of the line beat the ever-loving shit out of a French fleet comprised of 8 ships of the line and several hundred smaller vessels during the Second Battle of Cape Finisterre. Whatever the opposite of a national holiday is, October 25 is that in France. 1760 - George III is crowned King of Great Britain. He'll face many difficulties, but when push comes to shove, he'll kill your friends and family to remind you of his love. 1854 - Some poor communication during the Battle of Balaclava causes a brigade of British light cavalry to charge headlong into a well-fortified Russian artillery battery. It went about as well as one might expect, but at least we got a sweet Tennyson poem out of the deal about valor, honor, and doing incredibly and obviously stupid things because somebody told you to. 1861 - The Toronto Stock Exchange is established. New York pretends not to notice. 1944 - The largest naval battle in all of history takes place in Leyte Gulf between the United States and the Japanese Empire. The Japanese emergency backup strategy of killing themselves along with the enemy proves ultimately ineffective. 1971 - The UN kicks out China and replaces them with China. 1983 - The U.S. invades Grenada upon request from surrounding Caribbean states and also from Grenada. "Well, twist our arms..." 2017 - Winnie the Pooh begins his second term as General Secretary of the Chinese Communist Party, and his personal political philosophy is written into the party's constitution.

On October 20 in History: 1720 - Pirate Calico Jack Rackham is captured by the royal navy. He is notable for having not one but two famous female pirates in his crew, and for being one of the chief inspirations for Johnny Depp's Captain Jack Sparrow. It is unknown whether infusing him with Keith Richards made him more or less eccentric. 1740 - Maria Theresa takes the throne of Austria. France, Prussia, Saxony, and Bavaria say that's ridiculous because she has lady parts. A war begins. 1781 - The Habsburgs declare that you can Christian however you want, but if you're not Catholic we don't want to see it. 1819 - Birth of the Báb, one of the most important religious figures you've never heard of. 1944 - "Told you." ~Douglas MacArthur, Philippines 1973 - U.S. President Richard Nixon fires Attorney General Elliot Richardson and his deputy, William Ruckelshaus, for their refusal to fire Watergate special prosecutor Archibald Cox. I feel like there's a relevant parallel that I could call attention to, but I just can't put my finger on it. 2011 - Rebel forces in Libya reenact the deposition of King Edward II of England.

Just for some context, today's ma birfday. On Oct. 18 in History: 320 - Observation of a solar eclipse leads to one of the most definitive explanations on the workings of the universe until Copernicus came along. Like 99.9% of things people have claimed to know about the universe in our relatively short history, it's laughably wrong. 614 - The Edict of Paris is issued, laying out the rights of Frankish nobles. This is great if you are a Frankish noble. Not so much if you are a Jew - or, you know, anyone other than a Frankish noble. 629 - Dagobert I is crowned king of the Franks. Naturally, he still must answer to an incompetent, pointy-haired Pope. 1009 - The armies of the Fatimid Caliphate completely destroy the Church of the Holy Sepulchre in Jerusalem. Like, literally, completely. Down to the bedrock. I'm thinking there are some bitterness issues being worked through here. 1648 - Shoemakers in Boston form the first American labor organization. They are immediately blamed for every problem in the entire Massachusetts Bay colony. 1775 - Early in the American Revolution, the Royal Navy burns the town of Falmouth, Massachusetts. This prompts the 2nd Continental Congress to say, "We should maybe have a navy, or something." 1851 - Moby Dick is first published (as "The Whale") in London. An entire country full of schoolchildren become inexplicably drows...zzzzzzzzzzzz 1867 - Alaska is purchased for the U.S. from Russia at a price of $7.2 million. In 1867 dollars, that's like the equivalent of Zeus's diamond-encrusted golden testicles. Everyone thought it was a worthless purchase and William Seward, who oversaw the deal, would never live it down. No, really. Because even though gold and oil and down-to-earth folksy hockey-moms were later found in abundance, he would die nearly five years to the day (Oct. 10) later and never got to see any of that. He may have lucked out on that last one. 1898 - The United States takes Puerto Rico from Spain. Because we feel like it. If the pattern holds, this means Sarah Palin 2.0, now in Latina form, has already been born. 1922 - The BBC is founded, which among other things eventually leads to the creation of both Dr. Who and Monty Python. And there was much rejoicing. 1929 - I won't bore you with the details, but long story short: The Supreme Court of Canada is overruled and it is determined that women are, in fact, considered "persons" under Canadian law. What were they considered before? Given Canada's national animal, I'm trying REALLY hard not to make the obvious joke. You're welcome. 1945 - Up and coming Argentine politician Juan Perón marries actress Eva "Evita" Duarte. Several Tony Award statuettes are prepared in advance. 1983 - The first human being to live to the age of 150 is born. Interestingly, that is also his I/Q. Rumor has it he is also very witty and charming. 1991 - Azerbaijan officially declares independence from the USSR. Hipster Baltic states scoff at them for merely following a trend. 2013 - Former U.S. Speaker of the House of Representatives Tom Foley dies at 84. I like to imagine that with his last breath, he shook his fist at the sky and cried out, "Nethercutt!"

On October 17 in History: 1091 - A massive freaking tornado hits right in the middle of London. I dunno, this feels like a really sloppy cover-up for some wizard shenanigans. 1534 - A bunch of signs go up all over France railing against Catholicism, including one on King Francis's bedroom door. Ironically, he's so freaked out by this that he stops trying to protect Protestants from persecution. Whoops. 1660 - The new king of England's restored monarchy shows us that revenge is a dish best served cold, having the 9 men who signed the execution order of his father hanged, drawn and quartered. Charles in charge, indeed. 1781 - George Washington captures Yorktown, effectively defeating the greatest empire on the planet with what - in comparison - is little more than a ragtag band of misfits. This explains every American sports movie ever made. 1806 - Former Haitian revolutionary leader Emperor Jacques I is assassinated in response to his oppressive rule. I feel like he ought to have seen this coming. 1814 - Several vats burst, leading to a literal flood of beer in London. Now I'll make an obvious joke about it! Except eight people die, you monster. 1931 - Al Capone, one of America's most notorious organized crime bosses, is finally arrested...for tax evasion. Punchline redacted. 1961 - As many as 100 to 400 Algerian protesters are beaten, thrown into the river, or straight-up killed by police, under personal direction of chief of police Maurice Papon. Fun fact, he got that job while under the Nazi collaborationist regime and nobody ever thought to replace him. Whoops. 1973 - "No oil for you!" ~OPEC 2018 - Canada, already one of the most chill, laid-back places on Earth, legalizes recreational marijuana use. Word is still out on whether they have achieved some sort of friendly Nirvana.

Kind of like how Northwestern University is in Illinois, haha.

On October 16 in History: 690 - Wu Zetian comes to power in China. She would later be declared emperor - not empress. Because having a woman in charge would be silly. 1384 - In an odd coincidence, King Louis the Great's daughter Jadwiga is crowned King of Poland. Yes, King. Apparently pretend penises are worth more than real vaginas when it comes to ruling places. 1793 - Marie Antoinette loses her head. Understandable, as she's being led to her death. Then she is executed. 1841- Queen's University is founded in...Kingston, Ontario. Okay, now they're just messing with us. 1859 - Abolitionist John Brown attempts to incite a slave rebellion by attacking a U.S. fort at Harper's Ferry with a contingent of 21 men. He is as unsuccessful as you are imagining. 1923 - The Walt Disney company is founded by Roy Disney and his brother whose name escapes me. Several Academy Award Statuettes are prepared in advance. 1995 - The Eight Hundred Thirty-Seven Thousand Man March on Washington takes place. History book editors would round up for the sake of expediency. 2002: The Library of Alexandria is reestablished after roughly 1800 years of absence. Library cards from the old building are not accepted.

On October 15 in History: 70 BCE - Virgil is born. If it weren't for him, we'd only know about one made-up story of the founding of Rome. 1066 - The day after Harold Godwinson's death, Edgar Ætheling is proclaimed King of England. Come, brothers! We shall drive these Norman dogs back into the sea! 1529 - Austria and Christian Europe to Suleiman and the Ottomans at the Siege of Vienna: "All right, that's far enough." 1582 - Some countries start adopting the Gregorian calendar. Not all, just some. Because the goal is to make this whole thing as confusing for everyone as possible. 1815 - Napoleon begins his exile on St. Helena, which is about as physically far from anywhere as it's possible to get. If he gets out of this one, we'll have to figure out a way to send him to the moon. 1894 - French army officer Alfred Dreyfus is arrested for being Jewish during another man's treasonous espionage. It's an obscure charge. 1917 - Mata Hari is executed by firing squad for the crime of spying so masterfully that she single-handedly caused all of France's hardships in the war thus far. Or for being a "woman of loose morals" and thus a convenient scapegoat for a country about to collapse from war exhaustion. One of those. France, you're really bad at this. 1945 - Former Vichy prime minister Pierre Laval is executed for treason. Okay, at least this one sounds reasonab...wait, I'm being told that his trial was rushed in about a week to get it in before elections, and he was sentenced in absentia without speaking in his own defense. God dammit, France. 1953 - The British test their nuclear weapon Totem I at Emu Field in Australia. Damn, this Emu War has gotten entirely out of hand. 2011 - Protesters around the globe have had enough, and now they're going to make sure everyone hears about it. It is the most organized complaint in the history of humanity.

On October 14 in History: 1066 - Still exhausted from stabbing Norsemen in the testicles (among other places) and then marching the full length of the country in two weeks, King Harold Godwinson's English army falls to Duke William's Normans at the Battle of Hastings, and that's why we call cow meat "beef". 1322 - Robert the Bruce, a.k.a. "the other guy, not Mel Gibson" from Braveheart, defeats Edward II and forces England to recognize Scotland's independence. It lasts forever. 1773 - A bunch of British tea ships are burned in the harbor of Annapolis. Bostonians will later deride the perpetrators for a lack of showmanship and branding. 1805 - France beats the crap out of Austria. 1806 - France beats the crap out of Prussia. 1808 - France annexes the Republic of Ragusa. Is...is anybody going to do anything about this? 1894 - poet e e cummings is born in cambridge massachusetts 1908 - The Chicago Cubs win the MLB World Series for the second year in a row. I tell you, we might just be witnessing the birth of a dynasty! 1912 - Before a campaign speech in Milwaukee, former U.S. president Theodore Roosevelt is shot in the chest. Unconcerned and not about to let a petty thing like a seeping bullet wound disrupt his schedule, Roosevelt proceeds to deliver his 90-minute speech as planned, though the crowd presumably has difficulty hearing him over the sound of his massive, thunderous balls. 1927 - Roger Moore is born spotless, calm and quiet, wearing a tuxedo. 1958 - In a shockingly progressive move, the Bar Association of the federal district of the freest nation on Earth decides that it's okay if black people want to be lawyers. 1962 - "Oh, shit." ~Pilot of an American U-2 reconnaissance plane flying over Cuba. 1982 - President Ronald Reagan declares a War on Drugs. It remains one of his most resounding success stories; members of his party to this day have yet to find a better way to keep minorities from voting. 1991 - Aung San Suu Kyi, a.k.a. the lady who took the "both sides are at fault" route [redacted] regarding the persecution and possible genocide of Rohingya Muslims and refugees in her country of Myanmar, is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. 2012 - Some dude jumps from space. I guess so we'll all drink more Red Bull?

Whoops, forgot to add the latest one. Fri. Oct. 12, 2018 Spiky Girl: 3 Rounded Girl: 3 Diane: 189 FULL COUNT

Wed. Sept. 19, 2018 Diane: 179 Rhoda: 58 Nanase: 584 Lucy: 17 Fri. Sept. 21, 2018 Diane: 180 Mon. Sept. 24, 2018 Diane: 181 Lucy: 18 Wed. Sept. 26, 2018 Diane: 182 Rick: 11 (1st appearance since 2015) Elijah: 11 (1st appearance since 2015) Fri. Sept. 28, 2018 Diane: 183 Nanase: 585 Elliot: 926 Mon. Oct. 1, 2018 Diane: 184 Wed. Oct. 3, 2018 Diane: 185 Justin: 416 Lucy: 19 Fri. Oct. 5, 2018 Diane: 186 Mon. Oct. 8, 2018 Diane: 187 Lucy: 20 Rhoda: 59 Wed. Oct. 10, 2018 Diane: 188 Spiky Girl: 2 Rounded Girl: 2 FULL COUNT

A bit of language in this one. On October 12 in History: 529 BCE - Cyrus the Great enters Babylon, solidifying the power of his new Achaemenid Persian Empire. Interestingly, he might be the most magnanimous ruler in terms of cultural sensitivity and human rights the world will see until the twentieth century. Speaking of which, wait for it... 633 - King Edwin of Northumbria is killed at the Battle of Hatfield Chase. He must have been absolutely terrible, since an alliance of English Mercia and Welsh Gwynedd was formed to take him down. Normally those two groups can't agree what color the sky is. (Grey. It's always grey.) 1492 - Some idiot lands in the Bahamas and thinks he's in Indonesia. No one can convince him otherwise. In the short term it makes little difference; raping and pillaging is the same everywhere. 1537 - Henry VIII of England finally hears those three beautiful words: "It's a boy!" This is great news for him, since now he won't have to divorce and/or kill his wife. 1654 - Cornelis Soetens, keeper of a gunpowder storehouse in the Dutch town of Delft, opens the door to check on the powder. A spark ignites it, creating an explosion that blows up most of the city. You had one job, dude. 1692 - "What the hell are you idiots doing? Stop that this instant!" ~ Letter from Massachusetts governor William Phips to the properly chastised people of Salem (Paraphrased) 1792 - For the first time, the people of New York city celebrate that time some Italian guy came and killed or enslaved a bunch of people and took all their stuff. Killing natives so white people can take their stuff remains all the rage even 300 years later. One can only hope the holiday doesn't catch on. 1798 - Prince Pedro of Portugal, full name Pedro de Alcântara Francisco António João Carlos Xavier de Paula Miguel Rafael Joaquim José Gonzaga Pascoal Cipriano Serafim, is born. 1822 - Happy birthday, Pedro! You're Brazil's first emperor now! Shit, all I got him was a gift card. 1892 - The Pledge of Allegiance, which is TOTALLY NOT FORCED PATRIOTISM, you guys, is first recited by American schoolchildren to commemorate that same f*****g Italian guy. God DAMMIT. 1901 - Theodore Roosevelt officially renames the Executive Mansion to what everyone has been calling it anyway. 1960 - Nikita Khrushchev kills a fly with his shoe and is unfairly maligned by the world as a raving madman. 1968 - Hugh Jackman's "official" date of birth, though we all know he's been alive since at least the early 1800s. 1971 - Iran begins a five-day festival to celebrate the 2,500th anniversary of the founding of their empire. No one can say they haven't had a good run. Meanwhile, some buzzkill cleric named Khomeini derides the festival as decadent and overly extravagant. Pfft. Who cares what some fringe wack job thinks? 1998 - Matthew Shepard dies as a result of a hate crime so vile that I couldn't think of anything flippant to say about it even if I wanted to. What's wrong with people? 1999 - Abkhazia declares independence from Georgia. Georgia disagrees. 2017 - The United States leaves UNESCO, immediately followed by Israel, one can only guess because "to contribute to peace and security by promoting international collaboration through educational, scientific, and cultural reforms in order to increase universal respect for justice, the rule of law, and human rights along with fundamental freedom" is for suckers. 2018 - A British royal wedding involving a couple most people have never heard of takes place. Even the Americans aren't interested, and that's saying something.

Okay, how the hell have I not done 10/10 yet? On October 10 in History: 19 - Germanicus, often hailed as the ideal Roman and even considered by some to be the Roman version of Alexander the Great, dies at 33 before ever getting the chance to be Emperor. It's okay, though. There's always his son. 680 - The prophet Muhammad's grandson Husayn ibn Ali gets decapitated at the Battle of Karbala, but considering that several countries have national holidays commemorating this, I'd say he came out a head. 732 - Charles Martel defeats the Umayyad Caliphate at the Battle of Tours, thereby halting their advance northward into Christian Europe. He doesn't just beat them, he smashes them. Like a mallet, or a big rock, or...well, like something. 1582 - Nobody born on this day in Italy, Poland, Portugal, or Spain gets a birthday this year. Thanks a lot, Gregory. 1760 - The Dutch colonial government in Suriname grants territorial autonomy to the Ndyuka people, a tribe descended from escaped slaves. This is certainly preferable to most other Europeans' preferred method for dealing with escaped slaves of hunting them down and murdering them. 1871 - The Great Fire that has been burning Chicago runs out of Chicago and dies out. 1911 - The Wuchang Uprising, which sets in motion the downfall of imperial China, takes place. This will surely usher in a new democratic republic that will be a model to the rest of the world. 1938 - Czechoslovakia is forced to give over the Sudetenland to Hitler's Germany because of an agreement they did not take part in. At least they can rest easy with the knowledge that this sacrifice on their part will finally appease Hitler's expansionist tendencies, and there will be peace in our time. 1957 - Manga artist Rumiko Takahashi is born. They thought she was a boy until someone splashed some cold water on her. 1967 - The Outer Space Treaty comes into effect. Among other things, it bans the stationing of weapons of mass destruction in Earth orbit or on the moon, as well as moon-based weapons testing or permanent moon bases. Supervillains everywhere are outraged. 1969 - Brett Favre is bonr. 1971 - London Bridge opens, but not in London. It has been transported and rebuilt block for block in Lake Havasu City, Arizona. The nursery rhyme becomes a lot more cumbersome. 1973 - U.S. Vice President Spiro Agnew, having been charged with tax evasion, resigns. "Why didn't he just pretend it didn't matter until everyone forgot about it?" asks...someone. I'm not going to say who.

On October 8 in History: 319 BCE - Pyrrhus of Eprius is born to much fanfare, though the celebrated birth does result in the death of several dozen people. 314 - Roman Emperor Constantine defeats Roman Emperor Licinius at the Battle of Cibalae. Like most Roman things, it makes sense in context, but just barely. 451 - The Council of Chalcedon convenes in the ongoing deliberation over how to Christian. Conclusions reached: Jesus is entirely divine, and simultaneously entirely human. Shut up, you just don't get it. 876 - A Frankish army under Frankish king Louis the Younger repels a Frankish invasion by Frankish king Charles the Bald at the Battle of Andernach. Louis's Frankish kingdom stays out of Frankish control and eventually becomes the Holy Roman Empire, which is actually Germany. If you're waiting for European geopolitics to get less confusing, you're going to be here a while. 1594 - Death (execution by way of being boiled alive) of semi-legendary Japanese figure Ishikawa Goemon. He's basically the Japanese version of Robin Hood, only even cooler by virtue of also being a ninja. 1821 - Establishment of the Peruvian navy. Wait for it... 1856 - The Chinese government seize a former pirate ship crewed by Chinese sailors operating under British registration, which annoys the British so much that they renew hostilities regarding the legal trading of opium. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. 1871 - The Great Chicago Fire, perhaps the most famous fire in American history, begins. It is not, however, the largest or most deadly. That honor goes to the Peshtigo Fire, which by the way also begins today. Somebody has to do something about that damn cow! 1879 - Chilean naval forces defeat their Peruvian counterparts at the Battle of Angamos. Happy anniversary indeed. 1895 - Empress Myeongseong of Korea is assassinated by Japanese agents as a result of her strong position against Japanese influence. The aim is to ensure a more Japanese-friendly stance from Korea. It works about as well as one might expect. 1943 - R.L. Stine is born, presumably in an abandoned asylum built over an Indian burial ground as the result of a Gypsy curse. 1970 - Matt Damon is born. Yes, he's almost fifty. You can start freaking out now. I know I am. 1974 - Franklin National Bank collapses as a result of fraud and mismanagement. American bankers learn their lesson and this will never happen again. 1985 - Bruno Mars is born. His fever is deemed above acceptable levels; a police officer and firefighter are called in.

On October 5 in History: 610 - Heraclius discovers all you have to do to become Byzantine Emperor is kill the Byzantine Emperor. His first acts are not being a total douche, and beefing up security. 1143 - Alfonso VII of León and Castile says that Portugal can call itself a kingdom if it really wants to; he doesn't mind. 1450 - Duke Louis IX of Bavaria to the Jews: "GTFO". He is baffled when all of his problems are not all immediately solved. 1910 - Portugal opts to replace a monarchy rife with debt, inability to cope with changing values, political instability, and royal assassinations with republic rife with continual anarchy, government corruption, rioting and pillage, more assassinations, arbitrary imprisonment, and religious persecution. Good times. 1914 - Though the technology of fixed-wing, heavier-than-air flight is barely over a decade old, we have already figured out how to put guns on them, and have now succeeded at shooting one out of the air with another one. 1938 - Jews in Nazi Germany are told they are not allowed to leave. Really getting some mixed signals here. 1970 - Terrorist group Front de libération du Québec kidnaps the provincial Deputy Premier, as well as a British diplomat, as part of their efforts to secure sovereignty for Québec.This forces the prime minister to limit civil liberties and use military force to regain control. Dang, Canada. You're so chill and relaxed now that we sometimes forget what a crazy adolescence you had. 1988 - The people of Chile are asked if they want dictator Augusto Pinochet to remain in power for another 8 years. They say "No." The twist comes when Pinochet and his junta say, "Okay." 2000 - Like, all of Serbia to Slobodan Milošević: "GTFO." In case he thinks they aren't serious, they bring a bulldozer.

On October 3 in History: 85(ish) BCE - Gaius Cassius Longinus, one of history's most famous murderers, is born. 52 BCE - Vercingetorix, the leader of the Gauls, surrenders to Julius Caesar. I tell you, that chap is going places! 42 BCE - Octavian and Mark Antony fight Brutus and Cassius at the First Battle of Philippi. Long story short, Cassius thinks all is lost and orders one of his men to kill him. Happy birthday, Guy. 382 - Roman Emperor Theodosius makes a treaty with the Goths, allowing them to settle in the Balkans in exchange for military service. He does not hear the ominous foreshadowing background music. 1778 - Captain Cook arrives in Alaska. Okay seriously, is there any place that guy didn't go? 1789 - George Washington declares the first Day of Thanksgiving in the United States. It takes a while for it to catch on. 1849 - Edgar Allan Poe is found in a gutter in Baltimore, delirious. Was he trying to bury himself prematurely? Perhaps he'd had one too many casks of Amontillado, eh? Eh? No, but seriously he dies four days later. Sad. 1863 - Abraham Lincoln designates the last Thursday of November as "Christmas, Part I". After conferring with a focus group, he rebrands it "Thanksgiving", but the original intent remains. 1932 - Iraq gains independence from the U.K.. I'm going to have to stop putting these on here; I'm running out of ideas for what to say about them. 1990 - East and West Germany become simply Germany. Germans everywhere celebrate, though the Easterners much more exuberantly, for some reason. 1995 - O.J. Simpson is acquitted of murder, freeing him up to write a book about how he committed murder. 2013 - A boat full of migrants sinks near the Italian island of Lampedusa, reminding everyone reading this right now that the migrant crisis has been going on for longer than you thought.

On October 2 in History: 1187 - Saladin captures Jerusalem, settling the issue for all time and we can stop fighting about it now. 1470 - King Edward IV of England flees to Flanders during the Wars of the Roses. Guess that's the last we'll be seeing of him! 1470 again - Birth of Isabella of Aragon, and also of Isabella of Aragon. One is a Milanese duchess, the other a queen of Portugal. Whatever. 1535 - Jacques Cartier discovers the Iroquois village of Hochelaga (now Montréal). No one is more surprised at the discovery than the residents, who until that point had been operating under the assumption that they didn't exist. 1835 - In an attempt to stave off uprisings, the Mexican government attempts to disarm the town of Gonzales, Texas. It does not go as planned. 1864 - The First Battle of Saltville in the Ameican Civil War ends in a Confederate victory. Unfortunately, they have neither the space nor the resources to deal with the multitude of Union prisoners. An expedient solution is found, but you're not gonna like it. 1869 - Mohandas Gandhi is born. He does not begin to nurse until all British medical staff leave the room. 1890 - Groucho Marx is born at a very early age. If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again. 1919 - U.S. president Woodrow Wilson suffers a massive stroke. He is incapacitated for several weeks at least, and for the rest of his presidency at most. Punchline redacted. 1941 - The Battle of Moscow begins, as the German army scrambles to take the city before winter. Because that worked so well for Napoleon. 1967 - Thurgood Marshall becomes the first non-white member of the U.S. Supreme Court. It will take until his retirement for them to get another one. 2017 - The death of musician Tom Petty breaks many hearts.

On October 1 in History: 1553 - Mary I becomes queen of England. That she was known even then as "Bloody Mary" and that her reign lasted less than three years are surprisingly not related. 1791 - The first meeting of the French Legislative Assembly takes place. The body only exists for a year, after which time the people of France apparently decide that cutting each other's heads off is a more effective form of governance. 1795 - France conquers Belgium, presumably because they were running out of heads to cut off at home. 1800 - Spain cedes Louisiana back to France. It doesn't take long for Napoleon to decide he doesn't really want it after all. 1814 - The Congress of Vienna convenes, mostly to redraw Europe's borders in the wake of Napoleon's conquests. They sort of jumped the gun a bit. 1880 - Thomas Edison opens his first electric lamp factory. On it, he paints a mural of Nikola Tesla getting pooped on. 1887 - Baluchistan is conquered by the British Empire. For the people of the region, it is one of the most significant days of their lives. For the British, it is Tuesday. 1890 - The U.S. Congress establishes Yosemite National Park. Mostly to keep local kids from defacing the rock formations. It works as well as one might expect. 1891 - Stanford University opens its doors. Before settling on "The wind of freedom blows" as its motto, other ideas were batted around, including "Suck it, Harvard". 1903 - The first game of the first modern World Series is played between the Pittsburgh Pirates and the Boston Americans (who will go on to win). The Americans would later change their name, and if you can't guess to what based on the fact that I've bothered to included this event in the first place, we're not friends anymore. 1908 - The first Model T goes on the market. It's available in any color you want, as long as it's black. 1928 - The Soviet Union's first Five Year Plan goes into effect. It is a smashing success, if by success you mean rapid industrial advancement at the cost of human lives and freedoms. 1938 - Germany annexes the Sudetenland from Czechoslovakia under the pretense that the region is largely populated by ethnic Germans. If only there were a modern parallel event I could draw a comparison to. 1940 - The Pennsylvania Turnpike, America's first superhighway, opens. By noon it is gridlocked, and by five in the evening it is closed for construction. 1949 - Mao Zedong declares the People's Republic of China, which is neither a republic nor "of/for the people". It is, in his defense, China. 1955 - Television premier of The Honeymooners, establishing a long Hollywood tradition of spousal abuse as comedy. 1957 - The long-held, sacred, unchangeable American tradition of printing "In God We Trust" on money begins. Just in time for the country's 182nd birthday! 1960 - Nigeria attains independence from the United Kingdom. For the Nigerians, it is the most important day of their nation's modern history. For the U.K., it is Tuesday. 1962 - Johnny Carson's first Tonight Show, continuing America's long tradition of marital problems as comedy. 1969 - The Concorde breaks the sound barrier for the first time. Passengers complain the flight takes too long. 1971 - Walt Disney World opens in Florida. Apparently the "Happiest Place on Earth" wasn't quite happy enough. 1975 - Mohammed Ali defeats Joe Frazier in one of the world's last great rhyming boxing matches. 1978 - Tuvalu gains independence from the U.K. Another Tuesday. 1982 - Epcot Center opens in Disney World. Still not happy enough. 1992 - Cartoon Network begins broadcasting. Nickelodeon scoffs at their pretension. 1994 - Palau gains independence from - okay, it's not funny anymore.

On September 30 in History: 489 - King of Italy Theoderic the Great (a Goth) kicks the crap out of King of Italy Odoacer (a German) at the Battle of Verona. It makes sense in context. 1399 - Henry Bolingbroke becomes Henry IV of England. A Plantagenet, his coronation marks the end of the Plantagenet dynasty. It makes sense in context. 1520 - Suleiman I becomes sultan of the Ottoman Empire. For the occasion, he dons a Magnificent onion hat. 1791 - The French National Constituent Assembly is dissolved. It will be replaced tomorrow by the National Legislative Assembly, but nobody from the NCA will be allowed in. One can only imagine how folks who only recently joined must feel. 1915 - Serbian Radoje Ljutovac becomes the first person in the world to shoot down a plane from the ground - a story his grandchildren have no doubt heard several thousand times. 1927 - Babe Ruth hits 60 home runs in one season. It's worth noting that seasons were shorter back then and steroids weren't a thing. Also worth noting is that pitching was shit, too. Probably. 1938 - The Munich Agreement between Britain, France, Germany, and Italy allows for Germany to annex the Sudetenland region of Czechoslovakia. Noticeably absent from the agreement: Czechoslovakia. 1938 again - In a unanimous decision, The League of Nations outlaws intentional bombings of civilian populations. "Haha. Okay." ~Everyone 1962 - James Meredith goes to school. White people in Mississippi flip their shit. 1966 - Bechuanaland declares independence from Britain and becomes Botswana, which I think we can all agree is much easier to say. 1982 - Actress Lacey Chabert is born, though today we celebrate the birth of Mila Kunis instead. 2005 - Muslims in Denmark forget that just because they can't create images of Muhammad, it doesn't mean nobody else can. To be fair, the pictures are pretty insulting, so they probably would have been mad anyway.

On Sept. 25 in History: 1066 - At the village of Stamford Bridge, literally one viking berserker holds off the entire English army by himself until someone snuck under the bridge with a spear and stabbed him in the balls. For want of a scrotum, England could have been part of Norway. 1237 - Via the Treaty of York, England and Scotland agree on their common border. The two countries never fight again. 1573 - Vasco Núñez de Balboa is the first European to set eyes on the Pacific Ocean. That's right; not a single one of his men saw it before he did. In fact, what men? Balboa rolls on his own. He named it the Pacific because of how peaceful it was. Farther out, islanders being pummeled by typhoons would have laughed if they weren't all drowning. 1789 - The U.S. Congress passes the Bill of Rights, because laying out the fundamental rights of all citizens and the official limitations of federal power was such a minor detail that just slipped the minds of the Constitution's original framers. 1942 - Switzerland says that Jews fleeing the Holocaust can't come in, because they don't count as "political" refugees. Yeah. That happened. Isn't it nice that we have all these lessons from history that we've learned not to repeat? 1957 - The U.S. Army is deployed in Arkansas. Not to quash an insurgency, not to repel an invasion, not even to assist after a natural disaster. They are sent to deal with some very fine people so some kids can go to school. 1974 - The first Tommy John Surgery, replacing the ulnar collateral ligament (a thing in your elbow), is performed on, of all people, a baseball pitcher named Tommy John. What are the odds? 1983 - Donald Glover is born. Several Emmy, er, Grammy, er, Golden Globe, er...several award statuettes are prepared in advance. 2005 - Don Adams dies, presumably after Dr. Claw finally caught up with him. The old spend-five-decades-on-television-worming-your-way-into-our-hearts-by-your-hilarious-portrayal-of-beloved-characters-before-making-a-dignified-exit-by-quoting-a-line-from-your-own-show trick.

On September 24 in History: 768 - Frankish king Pepin the Short dies. I hope his sons are up to the challenge or this kingdom could fall apart really fast. 787 - A bunch of dudes in funny hats gather in Nicaea (again) to discuss how to Christian. On the docket: veneration of icons. On the one hand, pretty sure there's a relevant commandment about that, but on the other hand, hells yeah! 1572 - Túpac Amaru, the last king of the Inca, is executed by the Spanish. Conspiracy theories that he's still alive about, though admittedly become less and less credible with each passing year. 1830 - Two distinct culture groups stitched together Frankenstein style form the provisional government of Belgium. This will work splendidly. 1877 - The Battle of Shiroyama cements the new order in Japan over the old samurai traditions. Contrary to popular belief, Tom Cruise was not a samurai, and the "last" refers to the group (plural) he fought with. 1890 - Mormons officially denounce polygamy (though a small number continue to practice it on the DL for a while longer) because they really want Utah to be a state. 1948 - The civic-minded Honda Motor Company makes an accord with the public to sell them fit automobiles that will shuttle them about the city. I am so sorry. 1957 - President Eisenhower has had it with Arkansas governor Orval Faubus's bullshit. 1973 - Guinea Bissau declares independence from Portugal. If you read these regularly, you'll know they'll need to wait almost a year before they get it. South Ossetia plays the world's smallest violin. 1991 - They brought in the experts from medical college, who doctored and nursed with all of their knowledge. They tested with chemo and lots of bed rest, they tried litting puffbeezers sit on his chest. But no matter the method, there just was no answer, Theodore Geisel has perished from cancer. And think now of this, and think of it well, for just one cheap laugh I'll now be roasting in hell. 1993 - Norodom Sihanouk is crowned king of Cambodia, a position he himself abdicated and dissolved 38 years prior. In the interim, he has served as Cambodia's prime minister, leader of its single ruling party, official head of state, leader of its government in exile, right hand figurehead to Pol Pot, leader of an exiled resistance group, head of state again, and finally president. "I wish I knew how to quit you, Cambodia." 2014 - India is the first nation on Earth to put something into Mars orbit on their first try. Unfortunately, the best joke I could think of for this would probably be at least a little bit racist.

On September 20 in History: 1066 - Harald Hardrada defeats English defenders at the Battle of Fulford to kick off his invasion. Looks like we'll all be speaking Norwegian soon. 1187 - Saladin begins his siege of Jerusalem, as the never-ending tog-o-war for this one patch of dirt in the middle of nowhere continues. Orlando Bloom defends. 1378 - Cardinal Robert of Geneva is elected Pope, despite the one small detail of there already being a Pope. 1498 - A tsunami washes away the temple at Kōtoku-in in Kamakura, leaving the bronze Great Buddha statue exposed to the elements. They'll want to get to work on a replacement structure for it right away. 1519 - Ferdinand Magellan sets sail from Sanlúcar de Barrameda. Destination: Sanlúcar de Barrameda. They'll take the long way. 1835 - The adorably-named Ragamuffin War begins when rebels in the province of Rio Grande de Sul, attempting to secede from the Empire of Brazil, capture the town of Porto Alegre. Little rascals. 1870 - Rome is captured, completing the unification of Italy. This is a nice call-back to the original unification of the peninsula two millennia before, which started in Rome. 1911 - The White Star Line's HMS Olympic accidentally collides with warship HMS Hawke, but stays afloat and manages to return to port. Told you it was unsinkable. Now lets get its sister ships up and running. 1946 - The first film festival at Cannes is held. They meant to start seven years ago, but you know know. Nazis. Bloody ruin everything, don't they? 1973 - 55 year old Bobby Riggs confidently asserts that women can't play tennis. Billie Jean King tells him to shut up. 1990 - South Ossetia declares independence from Georgia. "We'll get back to you," replies the rest of the world. 2001 - The United States declares war on an abstract concept. Swift victory will surely follow. 2010 - Gym teacher Leonard Skinner dies. He's as free as a bird now. 2017 - Hurricane Maria strikes the island of Puerto Rico, resulting in roughly 3,000 deaths and $90 billion in damage. "We'll get back to you," replies the U.S. government.

Will it allow me to unsee what I have seen?

I'm having a crisis. Toad has been my main since N64.

Technically, Question Mark is counted, since it was also archived in the story section. I know what you're asking though, and even if I did consider that, it wouldn't have any bearing on whom I consider main characters, since the only people who regularly appear in those story lines are already considered main characters anyway. If anyone's interested, I did actually name all the tiers (though the names don't really mean anything): Main Characters Primary Support Characters Recurring Characters Secondary Characters Minor Support Characters Bit Characters Background Characters Cameos Mon. Sept. 17, 2018 Lucy: 16 Diane: 178 Rhoda: 57 FULL COUNT

On September 17 in History: 1382 - Mary, daughter of Louis the Great, is crowned King of Hungary (as opposed to Queen). Once again, a ruler with a pretend penis is deemed preferable to one with a real vagina. 1630 - Boston, Massachusetts is founded. Suck it, Quebec. 1775 - While in the midst of Revolutioning, the U.S. decides to give invading Canada a try. It goes about as well as one might expect. 1778 - The first official treaty between the new U.S. government and a Native American tribe (the Lenape). The American signatories manage to violate it while still writing their names. 1787 - The U.S. Constitution is signed in Philadelphia. Rushed to release, it garners many complaints and work begins almost immediately on a patch. 1849 - Harriet Tubman escapes from slavery. She was so good at it that she goes back and does it again multiple times, presumably just to rub in the faces of the the slave-catchers just how bad they are at catching her, and maybe to also bring some other people along for the ride. Super badass either way, really. 1862 - The Battle of Antietam is the bloodiest single day in American military history. Both sides recoil in horror at the carnage, and the realization of what they have become; peace talks begin immediately. Nah, I'm just kidding. They keep fighting for three more years. 1862 still - Also an arsenal explodes in Pittsburgh, so a lot of civilians die, too. Kind of a shit day all around, really. 1916 - An allied pilot is shot down in France by some guy in a garishly red triplane. Spoiler alert: it won't be the last time. 1954 - William Golding's "The Lord of the Flies" is published. His use of young boys to illustrate the darkness that lives within us all is poignant and powerful, and is an excellent tool for teaching archetypes and symbolism. That is, unless you're a movie studio who missed the entire goddamn point of the whole thing. 1978 - Israel and Egypt sign the Camp David Accords, basically agreeing not to kill each other or steal each others' land anymore. I can't even be snarky about it, since it pretty much worked. I mean, unless you're Palestinian. Dammit. 2006 - A recording is leaked of the Hungarian prime minister admitting that his party lied in order to win the election. Protests spring up all over the country. This is contrary to the modern American reaction of, "And?" 2011 - Occupy Wall Street begins in Zuccotti Park in New York City. Goals include "Some stuff", and "Like, you know, whatever."