Illjwamh

Happy Children's Day! On May 5 in History: 553 - The Second Council of Constantinople begins, with the goal of once and for all getting everyone on the same page about how to Christian. Predictably, it ends up doing the opposite of that. 1215 - English Barons say they don't have to do what the king says anymore. Quite sure he'd kept it a secret, King John wracks his brain wondering how they figured that out. 1260 - Kublai Khan assumes control over the Mongol Empire. What's left of it, anyway. Barely half of Asia! Pathetic. We'll have to do something about that. 1494 - Christopher Columbus lands at Jamaica. An old hand at this by now, he quickly issues orders to his crew, saying, "All right, hurry up, these people aren't going to murder and enslave themselves!" 1789 - The Estates-General in France convene for the first time in 175 years. This is good; they'll be able to talk through their problems and everything will settle down. 1821 - Death of Napoleon. Europe heaves a collective sigh of relief. 1862 - A contingent of the Mexican army defeats a much larger French force at the town of Puebla. This will be celebrated in future by Americans who know nothing of the event donning every Mexican stereotype they can think of and drinking lots of tequila. Also by Mexicans saying, "Oh yeah, that's a thing that happened." 1904 - Cy Young pitches the first perfect game in modern baseball history. If only there were some award he could be given to acknowledge his achievement. 1925 - John T. Scopes is arrested and charged with teaching science in a science class. 1961 - Alan Shepard is the first American to go to space. This was your one chance to stop us, aliens. 1983 - Henry Cavill is the first baby in history born with a computer generated upper lip. 2002 - Spider-man is the first movie to top $100 million dollars in its opening weekend. Maybe there's something to these comic book movies after all, eh?

I was thinking of something more like Matt.

Totally spaced that I'd done one for yesterday! On May 2 in history: 1519 - Leonardo da Vinci enters hypersleep, to awaken once the rest of civilization has caught up to him. As far as the official record is concerned, he died. 1536 - Anne Boleyn, the Queen of England, is arrested on charges of adultery, incest and treason. Also witchcraft, because why not, amirite? 1611 - The first version of the King James Bible is printed. They were going for a version that in a mere 400 years' time, nobody would be able to understand. 1933 - Hitler bans trade unions. Because we all know they're liberal plots to redistribute wealth and - NO! No political commentary. Sorry. 1955 - Tennessee Williams wins the Pulitzer Prize for "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof". PETA objects, though no one there read it. 1972 - J. Edgar Hoover dies, presumably of auto-erotic asphyxiation. 1986 - Chernobyl is evacuated due to the nuclear meltdown of six days prior. Better late than never? 1998 - Tom Riddle, a.k.a. Voldemort, is killed in the Battle of Hogwarts by Harry Potter. This in no way influenced my decision to make a list for today. 2000 - Access to accurate GPS readings is no longer restricted to the U.S. military. This may come as news to anyone who owns a dash-mounted GPS device. 2011 - Terrorist leader Osama bin Laden is killed at his compound in Pakistan. Due to either overconfidence or supernatural psychic powers - or perhaps time zones - U.S. president Barack Obama made the announcement yesterday. 2015 - Princess Charlotte is born in the U.K., as further insurance against Harry ever taking the throne.

Everywhere.

I'd quit my job. Well, I'd give my notice. I know what it's like to have to pick up sudden slack when someone else up and quits all of a sudden. I'm not a total jerk. I would definitely being making travel plans immediately, though.

On April 30 in History: 311 - Eastern Emperor Galerius officially ends persecution of Christians instituted by his predecessor Diocletian. Diocletian had been hesitant to institute the persecution in the first place, but had been talked into it by his good pal Galerius. 1492 - The king and queen of Spain grant a "commission of exploration" to Christopher Columbus, as it means he'll go away and they'll likely never have to see him again. 1598 - Taking a page out of Galerius's book, Henry IV of France tells the Huguenots that they can Christian however they want. It has the desired effect of getting people to stop killing each other. Someone should tell Louis XIV. 1789 - George Washington takes the oath of office to become the first President of the United States. Depending on how you count, he is anywhere between the first and the fourth "first president" we've had. 1803 - Thomas Jefferson, a staunch advocate of limiting federal and executive power, exercises federal executive power he just made up in order to buy a bunch of land from Napoleon. 1812 - A small piece of that land Jefferson bought becomes a state called Louisiana. Imagine if London said, "We're gonna be called England now; you'll have to think of a new name for the rest of it." 1945 - Adolf Hitler opts to shoot himself rather than face retribution for the acts he committed during World War II. While I'm not one to ever advocate suicide (or Hitler), he probably made the right call. 1973 - President Richard Nixon announces that John Dean, White House counsel, has been fired. By coincidence, two other top aides happen to resign. This has nothing to do with the investigation surrounding the president; why would you even ask? 1985 - Gal Gadot is forged from clay and brought to life by Zeus.

I agree. The sad part isn't simply that we haven't had a female president, but that we haven't even had any serious female candidates except for that one time.

That's precisely what makes it so embarrassing.

On April 25 in History: 404 BCE - Sparta finally defeats Athens in the Peloponnesian War. They determine that Athens is going to be one of their best buddies now. Athens is thrilled. 799 - The citizens of Rome are mean to Pope Leo III, so he runs away and asks for help from the king of the Franks - some guy named Charles. 1792 - Claude Joseph Rouget de Lisle pens a startlingly gory call to arms that French citizens still sing proudly today whenever one of their countrymen wins a bobsled medal or something. 1846 - American Dragoons scouting in what they knew full well was territory claimed by Mexico are attacked and soundly defeated by Mexican forces. Upon hearing the news, President James K. Polk is outraged at this completely unforeseen turn of events, and determines he now simply has no choice but to go to war with Mexico and take a bunch of their land. A remarkable coincidence, as he'd just been trying to come up with a viable excuse to do that. 1898 - The United States retroactively declares war on Spain. It is SO a thing! 1915 - The landings at Gallipoli begin. This is the last time that phrase will be used to refer to an actual invasion of the Gallipoli peninsula, as opposed to simple shorthand for a catastrophic invasion attempt doomed to failure. 1916 - The first ANZAC Day is observed. From this year onward, citizens of Australia and New Zealand will commemorate soldiers lost not only in the doomed campaign, but in all wars. They also faithfully reenact the infamous battle by means of trying to find a parking space. 1936 - Henck Arron is born. He will consider being the first prime minister of Suriname a more impressive accomplishment than his fabulous home run count. 1944 - Incorporation of the United Negro College Fund, an organization everyone agrees is necessary due to the fact it's still considered appropriate to have the word "Negro" in it. 1959 - The St. Lawrence Seaway solves Canada's problem of the major city of Toronto being so far from the sea by simply bringing the sea to Toronto. 1983 - The leader of the Soviet Union writes a personal letter to a fifth grade girl in Maine, promising not to nuke her. 1990 - Violeta Chamorro becomes the first female president of Nicaragua. Get your act together, America! 1995 - Ginger Rogers dies. Her funeral will be carried out much the same as Fred Astaire's eight years before, but backwards and with everyone in fancier shoes.

Stay whelmed, my friends.

Thanks for hitting the brakes before derailing the thread, guys. Mon. Apr. 2, 2018 Elliot: 899 Magus: 47 Ellen: 641 Wed. Apr. 4, 2018 Elliot: 900 (1st) Magus: 48 Ellen: 642 Fri. Apr. 6, 2018 Magus: 49 Elliot: 901 Mon. Apr. 9, 2018 Elliot: 902 Magus: 50 (27th) Wed. Apr. 11, 208 Magus: 51 Elliot: 903 Fri. Apr. 13, 2018 Magus: 52 Elliot: 904 Ashley: 148 Arthur: 24 Sybil: 3 (2018 debut) Mon. Apr. 16, 2018 Arthur: 25 Magus: 53 Ashley: 149 Wed. Apr. 18, 2018 Golem: 1st appearance Ashley: 150 (10th) Kevin: 1st appearance Fri. Apr. 20. 2018 Ashley: 151 Kevin: 2 Golem: 2 FULL COUNT

On April 20 in History: 1453 - A few Genoese galleys and one Byzantine blockade runner manage to fight their way through the Ottoman blockade during the siege of Constantinople. This ought to turn the tides! 1653 - "What is this, a Parliament of butts? GTFO." ~ Oliver Cromwell 1861 - Robert E. Lee, showing his great appreciation for the excellent military education provided for him by the U.S. government, accepts command of their enemy's army. 1862 - Louis Pasteur and Claude Bernard fail to spontaneously create life out of nothing. 1889 - Three different men, all independent from each other, are arrested and charged with the unthinkable crime of attempting to murder a newborn infant boy in the Austrian town of Braunau am Inn. All three attempt the same ludicrous defense that they are "from the future". 1902 - Pierre and Marie Curie successfully isolate radium and are awarded Nobel Prizes (along with some other guy). Despite their collaboration, Pierre is historically overshadowed by the accomplishments of his spouse, causing male professionals in all fields to say, "Oh, so that's what that feels like." 1946 - The League of Nations transfers what little power it has left to the United Nations before dissolving away, presumably in the form of a glowing ball of light accompanied by an epic yet heart-wrenching swell in the background music. 1999 - Two boys bring guns to their high school and kill a bunch of people, injuring several more, in the self-proclaimed most advanced nation on Earth. Naturally, the public is outraged and immediately takes action to ensure this kind of thing only happens several dozen more times before something is done about it. 2010 - An oil rig explodes in the Gulf of Mexico, killing eleven people and spilling crude oil into the environment for the following six months, because for some reason solar panels just aren't feasible or something.

And for today: On April 18 in History: 1025 - Bolesław Chrobry is crowned the first King of Poland in a town even more difficult to pronounce than his name. 1506 - The cornerstone is laid for St. Peter's Basilica, because Jesus was totally kidding about that whole "give to those who have none" thing. 1775 - Paul Revere is arrested in a pub while 40 other men are out warning the countryside of a British advancement. Because his name rhymes with lots of things, he is later given credit for this. 1831 - The University of Alabama is founded. Attendance is low, as applicants are required to count higher than the number of fingers they have. 1906 - Despite earthquakes not being uncommon in the area, the phrase "The Great San Francisco Earthquake" ceases to be ambiguous. 1909 - Joan of Arc is beatified. Better late than never. 1930 - The BBC declares there is no news to report, then just play out to some piano music. There's no additional commentary; this is a thing that happened. 1942 - Four Japanese cities are bombed in the Doolittle raid as retaliation for the assault on Pearl Harbor months before. A big boost to morale, military leaders later felt they could have accomplished just as much for less money by simply giving Japan the finger. 2012 - Dick Clark passes away. Many of his fans are caught off-guard, having forgotten he was actually old. 2194 - Mankind leaves the Earth for the last time, as it has become uninhabitable. On the bright side, our new home seems quite receptive to mango trees.

Since I actually had this one done but forgot to post it: On April 17 in History: 1397 - Geoffrey Chaucer first recites the Canterbury Tales before the court of Richard II. Onlookers are perplexed when he pronounces the same words multiple different ways within a single breath. 1492 - The Capitulations of Santa Fe are signed, leading to Christopher Columbus's famed voyage. Most of the Spanish court (correctly) believe his ideas to be idiotic, but consider both potential outcomes - he succeeds and brings wealth and glory to Spain, or fails and they are rid of him - desirable. 1945 - Brazilian troops liberate Montese, Italy from Nazi occupation. This sentence sounds ridiculous to anyone whose education is restricted to the History Channel. 1949 - The Republic of Ireland is formed. This does not stop Americans from asking Dubliners, "That's in England, right?" 1961 - The most hilariously named invasion in U.S. military history takes place. Despite the controversy surrounding the move, many political cartoonists dismiss it as "too easy". 1970 - The crew of Apollo 13 returns safely to Earth. Several Academy Award statuettes are prepared in advance. 2013 - A fertilizer plant explodes in West Texas. Surprised exclamations of "Holy shit!" are deemed to be in poor taste.

ASHLEY IS A WIZARD! I'm sorry, I will be unable to focus on anything other than this for at least the next few hours.

Let's see if I can get through this without making any tax jokes. On April 15 in History: 1452 - Leonardo da Vinci enters the world, along with a portrait, a sculpture, and a rube goldberg blueprint he made in the womb. 1632 - Sweden kicks the crap out of the Holy Roman Empire and the Catholic League at the Battle of Rain, which is named NOT, as I was dismayed to learn, because it took place in an epic torrential downpour, but because it took place outside the village of Rain. Boooo-riiiiing. 1865 - President Abraham Lincoln dies due to complications arising from being shot in the head. 1892 - The General Electric company is founded. Wanting to leave their options open, they figure they'll make some things related to electricity, but don't focus on anything specific. 1912 - The RMS Titanic sinks due to complications arising from being full of ocean water. Several Academy Award statuettes are prepared in advance, which is surely great comfort to the 1517 people who don't survive. 1947 - Jackie Robinson makes another great stride toward equality by being paid to hit a ball with a stick in the same place white people do it. 2013 - A bomb explodes at the finish line of the Boston Marathon, which is way too recent for me to be flippant about. Instead, might I direct your attention to this adorable kitten?

"I, uh...caught a really big haddock once." Reminds me of Brian Regan's "I walked on the moon" bit. If you've never seen it, check it out. It's a treat.

On April 14 in History: 69 - In what will later become known as the Year of the Four Emperors, Vitellius seizes the Imperial throne of Rome. Little does he know that history will remember him as little more than "# 3". 193 - In what will later become known as the Year of the FIVE Emperors, Septimus Severus is proclaimed emperor by his soldiers. His first proclamation is rumored to have been, "Suck it, Vitellius." 1471 - Edward IV becomes King of England for the second time during the War of the Roses. His dynasty would continue for another 14 years, making the 30-year conflict totally worth it. 1775 - The first North American abolition society, dubbed The Society for the Relief of Free Negroes Unlawfully Held in Bondage, is formed. Their first order of business is to decide on a name that is easier to remember. 1828 - Noah Webster copyrights his first dictionary, in which he puts pictures of himself alongside the definitions of "genius", "magnificent", and "well-endowed". 1846 - A party of pioneers led by the Donner family heads out for California. They are excited about a new route that is rumored to cut the travel time significantly, meaning they don't have to spend as much on provisions. 1865 - Mary Todd Lincoln finally manages to get her workaholic husband to take her to the theater. Unamused by the evening's productions, the U.S. President is overheard muttering the phrase, "Somebody shoot me." 1912 - The RMS Titanic hits an iceberg, and it is discovered that the White Star Line's publicists and engineers have vastly different definitions of the word "unsinkable". 1939 - "The Grapes of Wrath" is published. Millions of high school students across America inexplicably become drowsy and disinterested. 1988 - The Soviet Union pledges to withdraw its troops from Afghanistan. As a result, the region has enjoyed general peace and prosperity ever since.

Why would they mention it? Everyone knows what it is, and everyone knows everyone else knows what it is. That would be like finding it weird they didn't talk about the need to wear clothes at the party.

I made this one on request for my cousin's birthday last year: On April 13 in History: 1204 - Constantinople is conquered by Christian invaders. Wait, what? That can't be right. But it is. It is right. What the hell is the matter with everyone? 1570 - Guy Fawkes is born. In a strange twist of fate, his only notable historical achievement is failing to do something. 1613 - Pocahontas is captured by English colonists for ransom. She will end up converting to Christianity, refusing to go back home, and marrying a colonist. Interestingly, Disney left this bit out of their adaptation, saying, "We just did Stockholm Syndrome three movies ago." 1849 - Hungary becomes a republic. "Haha. Adorable." ~Austria 1861 - Fort Sumter surrenders to Confederate forces, kicking off a four-year conflict of Americans brutally killing each other over disagreements regarding the ownership of other human beings. 1919 - The Republic of Korea establishes a provisional government. "Haha. Adorable." ~Japan 1953 - The CIA launches Project MKUltra, a program designed to develop and experiment with mind control. This sounds alarming, but they basically just dope a bunch of people with LSD. 1964 - Sidney Poitier is the first black actor to win an Academy Award, beginning a long-running trend of honoring artists of varying ethnic backgrounds for their contributions to .... hahaha, I can't even finish typing it. 1970 - An oxygen tank explodes on board the Apollo 13 spacecraft. The crew politely ask that they be rescued before any Academy Award statuettes are prepared. Also, Commander James Lovell gains the dubious honor of being the only person to go all the way to the moon TWICE and never actually walk on it. 1976 - The U.S. reintroduces the $2 bill. Because of the novelty, everyone keeps them instead of spending them, which in turn causes them to be impossible to spend since no one believes they're real. 1980 - Someone related to me is born. As a direct result, you all get to read this. Be sure and thank him. 1997 - Tiger Woods is the youngest golfer ever to win the Masters Tournament. He will turn this notoriety into so, so much tail.

According to my calculations, yes. In fact, the last time he showed up in a story comic was way back in 2010.

Aw, thanks! I probably won't have something everyday, but it's nice to know people enjoy this kind of thing. On April 10 in History: 837 - Halley's Comet makes its closest approach to Earth. Of course, Edmond Halley won't be born for another 800 years, so it is known at this time as, "Holy Shit, What The F*** Is That?" 1512 - James V of Scotland, later also James 0 of England, is born. That's it; I have been reduced to recycling jokes. 1606 - A royal charter from James I establishes the Virginia Company of London, for purposes of colonial settlements in North America. They have a low bar to clear; if their first attempt manages not to vanish completely without a trace, it will be considered a success. 1815 - Mount Tambora begins erupting. I say "begins" because it won't stop for another three months. The initial explosion can be heard on Sumatra more than 2,000 miles away, and the resulting changes in weather worldwide lead to the biggest famine of the century. Suck it, Vesuvius. 1816 - The creation of the Second Bank of the United States is approved. "We'll see about this," says Andrew Jackson. 1864 - Maximilian I, a Habsburg and younger brother of Austrian emperor Franz Joseph I, becomes Emperor of Mexico, proving once again that history is a lot crazier than most people realize. 1912 - The RMS Titanic sets sail for America on her maiden voyage to little fanfare. There's so little press coverage that no one even bothers to take a photo. I mean, what's the big deal, right? It's not like we won't see it several hundred more times. 1970 - Paul McCartney leaves the Beatles for "personal and professional reasons". This is code for, "F*** off, I just don't want to be in the Beatles anymore. Mind your business." 1992 - Daisy Ridley is born. Thousands of people will clamor for years to find out who her parents are, only to learn they haven't heard of either of them. 1998 - The people of the UK and Ireland agree to try sharing and cooperating instead of killing each other. It seems to work for them.

April 6 in History: 1199 - Richard I of England dies of infection. His last words are, "I used to be a Crusader. Then I took an arrow to the shoulder." 1453 - Mehmed II's siege of Constantinople begins. All his friends are like, "Dude, it's been there for over a thousand years. You're never gonna get it; just let it go." 1483 - Raphael is born. Much to his dismay, he will eventually be more popular as a turtle. 1520 - Raphael dies. Worst. Birthday. Ever. 1830 - Mormons, Part 1! Joseph Smith creates a new religion in New York, because why not? 1860 - Mormons, Part 2! Joseph Smith III creates an offshoot sect of his father's religion, because that's apparently just what you do when your name is Joseph Smith. 1866 - The Grand Army of the Republic is formed. It consists not, as I was dismayed to learn, of genetically modified clones of a Mandalorian bounty hunter, but rather of Union veterans of the American Civil War. They don't even fight robots. 1893 - Mormons, Part 3! The dedication of Salt Lake Temple. What is it about April 6 in the LDS community? Is it just for tradition's sake now? Probability of "yes": 98%. 1896 - The first modern Olympic Games open, after the event had been banned by the Roman Empire 1500 years before. In your FACE, Theodosius! 1930 - Gandhi picks up a handful of salty goop. The British flip their shit. 1947 - The Tony Awards premier. Neil Patrick Harris hosts. 1973 - Upon realizing that older players gone to seed can still hit better than pitchers, the American League of Major League Baseball decides to let them. 2012 - Azawad declares independence from Mali. If you haven't heard of it and feel like you missed something, it's because it will rejoin Mali less than a year later.

Yay, Canada! Here's mine. On April 5 in History: 1242 - Alexander Nevsky's Russian forces defeat the Teutonic Order at the Battle on the Ice, history's first high profile hockey game. 1536 - The Roman Empire has been gone for over a thousand years, its successor for nearly a century, but that doesn't stop Charles V from pretending to be a Roman emperor as he enters the city Triumphantly. 1614 - Matoaka, also known as Pocahontas, marries one of her captors. Does it count as Stockholm Syndrome if the term hasn't been invented yet? Either way, makes for a shittier Disney movie. 1722 - Jacob Roggeveen stumbles upon Easter Island, continuing the European tradition of naming Pacific Islands after major holidays they happened to be discovered on. 1955 - Akira Toriyama is born. His power level is abnormally high for a baby. 1994 - Kurt Cobain commits suicide. It feels tasteless to write a joke about this one, so Nevermind. 2008 - Charlton Heston dies. In accordance with his wishes, his guns are pried from his hands. 2009 - North Korea launches a rocket that flies over mainland Japan. The United Nations has a stern talk with them.