Illjwamh

On August 14 in History: 1183 - The controlling Taira clan of Japan escape with the 4 year-old emperor Antoku to avoid capture by the rival Minamoto clan. If they ran any farther west, they'd have gone right into the sea. That is probably the most egregious "one percenter" joke I've ever written. 1385 - In the Battle of Aljubarrota between Portugal and Castile, the forces of King John I prevail over the forces of King John I. God dammit, Europe. 1791 - Vodou priest Dutty Boukman leads a religious ceremony for slaves in Saint-Domingue, essentially kicking off the Haitian Revolution. "Sure beats a religion that condones this shit." ~All the slaves. 1848 - The U.S. Congress officially organizes the Oregon Territory. So many people die of dysentery. 1880 - The Cologne Cathedral in Germany is completed, just one day shy of its 632nd birthday. Go, German engineering! 1916 - Romania declares war on Austria-Hungary. All the cool countries were going to war; they didn't want to be left out. 1935 - In the U.S., the Social Security Act creates a slush fund to be used by political parties to fund pet projects without raising taxes. 1975 - The Rocky Horror Picture show opens in London. The longest running film release in history, it still has limited screenings to this day, like it's caught in some kind of Time Warp. 1983 - Mila Kunis is born. Nerds everywhere rejoice.

On August 10 in History: 1270 - Yekuno Amlak retakes the imperial throne of Ethiopia for the Solomonic dynasty, lost 100 years before. The north remembers. 1519 - Ferdinand Magellan sets sail from Seville to circumnavigate the globe. In his haste to get moving, he neglects to inoculate himself against the tropical disease known as hit by a spear. 1628 - The Swedish warship Vasa sinks on its maiden voyage. In the harbor. After 20 minutes. They hadn't even finished playing the theme music yet. 1776 - Word reaches London that the colonists are getting a bit uppity. 1792 - King Louis XVI of France is arrested and his guards killed by a mob. An awkward moment arises when the arresting officer, out of habit, declares it "in the king's name"; everyone has a good laugh. 1793 - The Louvre Museum opens in Paris. It mostly serves as a place to stash all the stuff they took from the king, such as the Louvre Museum. 1920 - The Ottoman Empire is divided up amongst the allies of World War One. Little thought is put into the newly drawn border lines because really, how much of a problem could it be? 1932 - Death of Rin Tin Tin. Who is a dog. I have reached the bottom of the barrel. 1988 - U.S. President Ronald Reagan signs the Civil Liberties act, which provides a sum of $20,000 to all surviving victims of WWII Japanese-American internment camps. No better way to pay back years of humiliation and the deprivation of human dignity and constitutional rights than with a down payment on your therapy bills. 1990 - The Magellan space probe reaches Venus. No joke, that is some kickass timing.

On August 6 in History: 1806 - The abdication of Francis II brings about the end of the aptly named Holy Roman Empire, a political amalgamation of autonomous German principalities. 1809 - Alfred, Lord Tennyson, whose full name does not include "Lloyd", is born. He will spend his life writing things that people who want to sound intelligent can quote out of context. 1825 - Bolivia gains independence from Spain. Big deal, who hasn't? 1870 - Prussia kicks France's butt in not one but two battles on the same day: Spicheren and Worth. Savvy historians might consider this foreshadowing. 1940 - The Soviet Union illegally annexes Estonia. It's nice to know we live in a world where they can't get away with stuff like that anymore. 1945 - The most counterintuitively named weapon of all time is dropped on the city of Hiroshima, killing untold thousands of people both instantly and over several agonizing years of radiation poisoning. Instead of immediately and unanimously deciding this should never happen again anywhere ever, humanity spends the next 50 years building several thousand more of the things. 1962 - Jamaica gains independence from the United Kingdom. Big deal, who hasn't? 1964 - Prometheus, the world's oldest living tree, is cut down - presumably by some asshole dentist from Minnesota. 1965 - The Voting Rights Act is signed into law by president Lyndon Johnson, prohibiting racial discrimination in voting across America. One hundred years after the end of the Civil War. Better late than never? 2012 - The Curiosity rover lands on Mars. Somebody's job is literally to drive an RC car around on another planet.

It's really neat. She did it as a publicity stunt without her husband's knowledge as a way to prove to him that there would be wide public interest in his invention. She kept a record of all the problems she encountered along the way, as well as how she dealt with them. She gave them to him as a sort of bug report, as well as some of her own suggestions such as an additional gear for going up hills. Apparently the route she took is mapped out and is something of a destination for driving enthusiasts.

On August 5 in History: 25 - "Han Dynasty's back, muthaf*****!" ~ Guangwu (They're in the East now). 910 - Raiding Danes are kicked out of England for the last time at the Battle of Tettenhall. Ha ha! Now England belongs to the Anglo-Saxons forever! 1100 - Henry I is crowned King of England. Despite being an exceptionally strong, capable, and effective ruler for 35 years, he is still at best only England's third most notable Henry. 1305 - William Wallace is captured near Glasgow, forcing Scotland to move on to the next charismatic freedom fighter with a vendetta against England. 1583 - The first officially declared English colony in North America (St. John's, N&L), predates Jamestown, VA by 23 years. Nobody lives there. You see, Americans? You're still special. 1620 - A ship called the Mayflower departs England for the new world. It's full of people who have no idea what they're doing, and any settlement is not likely to last long. 1860 - King Charles XV of Sweden adds "and Norway" to his title. His mantle is filling up with crowns. 1888 - The world's first road trip, from Mannheim to Pforzheim (an insane 65 mi./104 km), is undertaken by Bertha Benz and her two teenage sons. It takes all day. Among numerous other firsts, this is thought to be the first utterance of the phrase, "Are we there yet?" 1925 - With the Welsh language in danger of dying out, the political party Plaid Cyrmu is formed with the goal of reviving it. Other political aims include Welsh independence from England, and a severe restriction on vowels. 1940 - Joseph Stalin assumes everyone will be too distracted by Hitler to notice him annexing Latvia. He is correct. 1960 - Burkina Faso gains independence from France. "We still get trade deals and foreign aid and stuff though, right?" 1962 - For the heinous crime of suggesting that black people are in fact people, Nelson Mandela is sent to prison. 2010 - 33 men become trapped in a Chilean mine with a history of safety violations and geological instability. Nobody could have seen this coming. 2015 - The Environmental Protection Agency spills 3 million gallons of waste water contaminated with heavy metals into the Animas River in Colorado, turning it orange. Scott Pruitt will later base his tenure as head of the agency on this incident.

It is actually derived from burgher (referring to townfolk rather than delicious meat patty sandwiches). That's boring, though.

On July 30 in History: 762 - Baghdad is founded. A cultural and political hub, it is also a center of learning and enlightenment. No doubt it will be a beacon of wisdom and civilization to all of humanity for centuries to come. 1419 - The First Defenestration of Prague is exactly what it sounds like: an enraged Hussite mob demonstrates their frustrations by hurling a judge and six other city council members out a window to their deaths. The key word I want you to focus on here is: "first". 1619 - The House of Burgesses, the first representative body in the Americas, convenes in Jamestown, Virginia. First order of business: Wtf is a burgess? 1912 - Death of Emperor Mutsuhito. I mean Meiji. His name is Meiji now. He was never called that in life, and must never be called anything else in death. That won't confuse anybody. 1930 - In Uruguay, the first FIFA World Cup is won by the home team and a grand tradition is born. In the USA, another tradition is born as, despite their team placing third overall, nobody cares. 1947 - Arnold Schwarzenegger is born. I have no evidence for this, but I can only assume that either A.) it was done by C-section, or B.) his mother is Elastigirl. 1956 - "In God We Trust" is authorized as the U.S. national motto. If modern conservative rhetoric is to be believed, this makes our founding fathers roughly two centuries old at the time of their deaths. 1962 - The Trans-Canada Highway, longest in the world, opens. When South Park said, "To go anywhere in Canada, just follow the only road," they kind of weren't kidding. 1965 - Medicare and Medicaid are signed into law. This is because for some strange reason people actually think providing health care for people who need it is a good idea. Also, no Johnsoncare jokes. I'm better than that. 1971 - Apollo 15 astronauts David Scott and James Irwin become the first people to drive on the moon. Suck it, Armstrong. 1974 - US President Nixon releases an White House audio recordings after being ordered to by the Supreme Court, because - and I can't stress this enough - that is something they have the power to do. 1975 - In one of America's most enduring mysteries, Teamsters Union leader Jimmy Hoffa is

On July 29 in History 587 BCE - Jerusalem is sacked and the First Temple destroyed by the Neo-Babylonian Empire. This looks like it might spell the end of this Abrahamic "monotheism" thing. 238 - The Praetorian Guard, elite personal bodyguards of the Roman Emperors, storm the palace and abduct/execute the Roman Emperors, two dudes named Pupienus and Balbinus. In their place is put 13 year-old Gordian III, who one can only assume is told not to get too comfortable. 615 - Not to be outdone by young Gordian, Pakal becomes king of Palenque at age 12. Considering he will later be known as "the Great", I'm guessing he's more suited to the job than his Roman counterpart. 1030 - In the Battle of Stiklestad, Olaf II Haraldsson dies while trying to regain the Norwegian throne. I don't really have a joke, I just like saying "Stiklestad". 1148 - A decisive loss at the Siege of Damascus puts an end to the Second Crusade. For those who missed their chance to rape, pillage, and slaughter for the Lord, don't worry: we're thinking of having another one in about forty years or so. 1567 - James VI is crowned King of Scotland. He harbors a secret ambition to somehow lower his regnal number. 1588 - At the Battle of Gravelines, the Spanish Armada is defeated when the British Royal Navy's strategy of shooting their ships before they could get close enough to board proves a smashing success, if you'll pardon the pun. 1836 - The Arc de Triomphe is inaugurated in Paris, honoring all those who fought in the Revolution and the Napoleonic Wars. It also has a list of all French victories in those conflicts, as well as all victorious generals. Not Pictured: Russia, Leipzig, Waterloo. 1921 - The insignificantly tiny yet possibly subversive National Socialist German Workers Party installs as its new leader one Adolf Hitler, who only joined in the first place to keep an eye on them under orders from his military intelligence superiors. Nothing to worry about. 1958 - U.S. president Eisenhower officially creates NASA, and tells them to get off their fannies. 1981 - The Royal Wedding of Charles and Diana takes place in London. Invited guests are outnumbered three to one by the press, as of course is tradition. 2005 - Eris, largest dwarf planet in the Solar System by mass and second by volume, is discovered. Its name (after the goddess of strife) is remarkably apropos, as its discovery directly leads to the redefinition of Pluto, which to this day people are still arguing about. 2015 - Microsoft pretends the number 9 doesn't exist.

Mon. Jul. 23, 2018 Sarah: 634 Mr. Raven: 113 Wed. Jul. 25, 2018 Charlotte: 82 (1st appearance since 2016) Ellen: 665 Fri. Jul. 27, 2018 Elliot: 925 Tedd: 736 Ellen: 666 Susan: 502 Diane: 165 Ashley: 170 Kevin: 11 Sarah: 635 Mr. Raven: 114 Mr. Verres: 132 (2018 debut) FULL COUNT

http://www.egscomics.com/comic/sister3-305 Woo! Diane! Excited to see her again. Also, glad to see that Susan is already considering her for things like this.

On July 25 in History: 306 - Constantine is proclaimed Roman Emperor by his troops. Now if only he could think of a way to get everyone to support his rule, and tie it to their spiritual beliefs somehow... 864 - In the Edict of Pistres, West Frankish king Charles the Bald decrees that it is no longer allowed to let Vikings raid in his territory. "Why didn't we think of that?" wonder his lords. 1109 - Some dude named Afonso is born. Wait for it... 1137 - Kicking off the prologue to a real-life story even crazier than Game of Thrones, Eleanor of Aquitaine marries the French prince Louis (later "VII of France"). 1139 - At the Battle of Ourique, Afonso Henriques does some Reconquisting and afterwards is name the first king of Portugal. Happy birthday, dude! 1261 - Forces of the Nicaean Empire recapture Constantinople, allowing the Imperial family and all administrators to change their letterhead back to "Byzantine". 1603 - James VI of Scotland is crowned James I of England. Thus, he averages out to James III 1/2 of Great Britain. 1755 - British governor Charles Lawrence to Acadians in Nova Scotia: "GTFO." Louisiana: "We'll take 'em! They're gonna have to drop a few syllables, though." 1792 - The Duke of Brunswick, supported by his Austrian and Prussian allies, warns Parisians that if the French royal family is harmed, there will be retaliation against French citizens. The threat works splendidly. 1814 - The Americans attempt to invade Canada but are repulsed. As my good friend Nelson Muntz would say, "Ha, ha!" 1853 - Joaquin Murrieta, a Californio bandit often compared to Robin Hood, is killed by rangers sent to bring him down. Much of his story later became inspiration for the character of Zorro, likely named such because an "M" is much harder to slash onto walls. 1861 - The U.S. Congress officially declares that the Civil War is being fought to preserve the Union, rather than to end slavery. This is frequently pointed to as evidence of the "states' rights" argument by Confederate apologists, whose own leaders had already officially declared multiple times that it was absolutely about wanting to keep their slaves. 1898 - The U.S. takes Puerto Rico from Spain, assuring everyone that they don't plan on doing anything with it under any circumstances. 1917 - Income tax is first introduced as a temporary measure in Canada. Technically, as long as they cancel it before the end of all life as we know it, that'll still be true. 1943 - Italians, having finally had enough of their incompetent, bombastic, strongman fascist leader and his exaggerated posturing accompanied by nigh-incoherent rants, vote him out. Punchline redacted. 1946 - A nuclear weapons test inadvertently creates Spongebob Squarepants. 1969 - Richard Nixon: "Our Asian allies must now be responsible for their own defense. Except you, Japan. And you, South Korea. Look, I'll be straight with you; I just really don't want to be in Vietnam anymore." 1984 - Cosmonaut Svetlana Savitskaya becomes the first woman to perform a spacewalk, as we move one step closer to Ralph Kramden's dream.

On July 20 in History: 325 BCE - Alexander the Great is born. Legend says he was conceived when Zeus threw a thunderbolt directly into his mother's uterus. I'm not making that up, by the way. 1304 - Edward Longshanks takes Stirling Castle in Scotland by means of the War Wolf, supposedly the largest trebuchet ever built. The 30 defending Scots, whose refusal to surrender was the source of Edward's frustration leading to the construction of the War Wolf, tried to give up when they saw it being built. Edward said, "Too late, bitches. You made me build this thing; I'm gonna effing use it. Come back after I smash your puny wall." I might be paraphrasing. 1779 - Tekle Giyorgis I becomes emperor of Ethiopia. Over the next 21 years, this would happen to him four more times. Makes the War of the Roses seem almost trivial, doesn't it? 1903 - The Ford Motor Company ships its first car. Also presumably its second, third, etc.. I can't see them building success by shipping only one car at a time. 1932 - The Bonus Expeditionary Force, a group of out-of-work veterans, march on Washington to demand payment on their service certificates, which for some reason had been deferred until 1945. Instead of doing this, the government and police thought it would be a good idea to fire tear gas into a group of WWI veterans, many of whom probably had PTSD. Gas. Think about that for a second. 1940 - Denmark leaves the League of Nations. Bet they're kicking themselves now, eh? Eh? 1944 - Adolf Hitler survives the assassination attempt known as Operation Valkyrie. This sounds impressive, even without a Tom Cruise movie, but in reality this is like Tuesday for Hitler. 1949 - Israel and Syria sign a truce, ending their 19 month war. It lasts forever. 1960 - The world's first elected female head of government is in...Sri Lanka? What, seriously? Get with the program, Western civilization. 1969 - Neil Armstrong botches a simple and carefully rehearsed line, causing one of the greatest achievements in human history to forever be associated with a phrase that doesn't make any sense. 1976 - Viking I lands on Mars. I think the fact that they timed it to coincide with the anniversary of the Moon Landing is as impressive as getting it there in the first place. 1977 - The CIA releases documents that show it had undertaken various experiments in mind control. This would be terrifying if it weren't hilarious. 1997 - The USS Constitution sets sail under its own power for the first time in 116 years. We can only hope we're as spry on our 200th birthdays.

The last couple Die Hard movies probably fit the bill.

Wed. Jul. 11, 2018 Mr. Raven: 112 Noah: 70 (2018 debut) Max: 8 (1st appearance since 2016) Fri. Jul. 13, 2018 Tedd: 735 Sarah: 633 Grace: 803 Mon. Jul. 16, 2018 Nanase: 583 (2018 debut) Ellen: 664 Mrs. Dunkel: 17 Mr. Dunkel: 13 *All main characters have now appeared this year Wed. Jul. 18, 2018 Greg: 80 (1st appearance since 2016) Elliot: 924 Fri. Jul. 20, 2018 Susan: 501 Diane: 164 FULL COUNT

On July 19 in History: 64 - The Great Fire of Rome begins (or was it yesterday?), and will last for six days. I'm being told that Nero secretly ordered it, and watched while playing the lyre. No wait, he openly ordered it and watched while playing the lyre. Hang on, this says he openly ordered it and watched while playing the lyre somewhere else. Now I'm being told that it was the Christians, but they're actually just a scapegoat to cover up that Nero ordered it and may or may not have played the lyre. And THIS one says it was an accident and he wasn't even in the city. Gah! It's that bloody fifth dentist again! 711 - The Visigoth king Roderic is killed by victorious Umayyad invaders at the Battle of Guadalete, during what I am very cleverly calling the Conquista. 1553 - The Privy Council of England to Lady Jane Grey: "Lol, J/K, you're not the queen. Go ahead and stay in that tower, though." 1702 - A massive Polish and Saxon army with a strategically defensive position gets its ass handed to it by a force half its size of Charles XII's Swedes at the Battle of Klissow.. Serious consideration is given to renaming Saxon leader Augustus II "The Strong" to Flebilus "The Total Loser". Yes, I made a Latin joke. Look it up. 1870 - France, perhaps fearing a unified Germany under Prussian rule, declares war on Prussia, directly resulting in a unified Germany under Prussian rule. 1952 - The summer Olympics kick off in Helsinki, Finland. Because when I think summer sports, I think Finland. 1976 - Benedict Cumberbatch is born. His parents reason, "His name is already 'Cumberbatch.' In for a penny, in for a pound?" 1980 - Summer Olympics again, this time in Moscow. The U.S. and 65 other countries don't go, because they don't like that the Soviets invaded Afghanistan. "Fine!" they say. "We'll just have our own games! With blackjack! And hookers! You know what, forget the games!"

Not a good day for Rome. On July 18 in history: 477 BCE - A Roman army is ambushed and defeated by Etruscans at the Battle of the Cremera. It's okay; they're still just getting their footing. I mean, they still have a king, for crying out loud. 390 BCE - A Roman army is defeated at the Battle of the Allia by an army of Gauls, who then sack the city of Rome. Yeesh, get it together over there. 64 - The Great Fire of Rome ignites. It lasts for six days and destroys half the city. No fiddling emperors were harmed, though depending on whom you ask, Nero either started it, or worked to contain it and provide relief for victims and refugees. That's a fairly wide margin of error. 452 - Atilla the Hun lays siege to the Roman city of Aquileia and destroys it beyond recognition. Oh, come on. Romans must to this day shit their pants when they see July 18 coming up on the calendar. 1290 - Edward the First of England banishes all Jews from his kingdom. Just to make sure he was being as big a dick as possible about it, he waited until Tisha B'Av, which is a fast day on the Hebrew calendar commemorating the various calamities and misfortunes that have befallen their people. 1389 - France and England decide to take a break from a century of war. It lasts for 13 years - coincidentally just long enough for a new generation of soldiers to grow up. 1841 - The coronation of Emperor Pedro II of Brazil. That's right; the SECOND. You didn't know Brazil had emperors, did you? 1870 - The Vatican declares that the Pope is infallible. Like, starting now. Anything before now? Doesn't count. 1925 - Some emo Austrian dude publishes a book he wrote in prison about how his life is so hard. What a douche. 1984 - A man opens fire in a McDonald's in San Diego, killing 21 people and injuring 19 more. A horrified nation bands together to enact common sense legislation to ensure such a despicable act will never happen again. That was supposed to be funny, but I've made myself sad.

Instead of quoting the entirety of Tim Minchin's "Storm", which is about ten minutes long, I'll just pluck out a few of my favorite bits: "As she sits, I admit, I'm a little bit wary, since I notice the tip of the wing of a fairy tattooed on that popular area just above the derriere, and when she says, 'I'm Sagittarian,' I confess a pigeonhole starts to form. And is immediately filled with pigeon when she says her name is Storm." "By definition [...] 'alternative medicine' [...] has either not been proved to work, or been proved not to work. Do you know what they call alternative medicine that's been proved to work? Medicine." "It's a miracle! Take physics and bin it! Water has memory! And whilst its memory of a long-lost drop of onion juice seems infinite, it somehow forgets all the poo it's had in it!" "Life is full of mysteries, yeah, but there are answers out there, and they won't be found by people sitting around looking serious and saying, 'Isn't life mysterious?'" "If you wanna watch telly, you should watch Scooby Doo. That show was so cool because every time there was a church with a ghoul, or a ghost in a school, they looked beneath the mask. And what was inside? The f****ng janitor or the dude who ran the water slide. Because throughout history, every mystery ever solved has turned out to be not magic." "Isn't this enough? Just...this world? Just this beautiful, complex, wonderfully unfathomable natural world? How does it so fail to hold our attention that we have to diminish it with the invention of cheap, man-made myths and monsters?"

Geez, that's even freakier to think about. Given that I started reading 16 years ago this month, I'm closing in on 50%. @_@

It would explain why they're so weirdly laid back about everything. As for Ellen's hair, I think I like it. I still have trouble picturing it being green, though, and I always forget that it is until someone mentions is. Dan needs to switch back to color at least long enough for me to adjust, lol. Also, his comment in the commentary about EGS's 30th year made me realize we're coming up on 20. 20 YEARS!

On July 15 in History: 70 - "OH YEAH!" ~Titus, on breaking through the walls of Jerusalem. Probably. 1099 - Christian crusaders take the Church of the Holy Sepulcher in Jerusalem. No Kool-Aid this time, sadly. 1149 - After fifty years, reconstruction of the Church of the Holy Sepulcher is complete. "Enjoy it while you can," says Saladin. 1207 - King John of England kicks out all of Canterbury's monks for supporting Stephen Langton, proving that the only thing he learned from his father was how to feud with the Archbishop of Canterbury. 1240 - Prince Alexander of Novgorod kicks some serious Swedish butt at the Battle of the Neva, and is rewarded with a sweet nickname. 1799 - A stone is found by army engineers under Napoleon in the Egyptian town of Rosetta. As a direct result, we are now able to read about all the weird shit ancient Egyptians were into. 1815 - Twenty-six years and one day after the storming of the Bastille, Napoleon Bonaparte surrenders on board the HMS Bellerophon. All of Europe collectively decides to take a break for a little while. 1834 - Nobody expects the end of the Spanish Inquisition! 1838 - Ralph Waldo Emerson gives a speech at Harvard Divinity School, where he says (among other things) that Jesus was a great man, but not a god. "Rabble! Rabble rabble rabble rabble!" responds the Protestant community. 1870 - The state of Georgia is finally allowed to come back into the clubhouse, the last of the former Confederate states to do so. They do not, however, quit sulking. 1904 - Anton Chekhov dies. He should have seen this coming after talking to that guy with tuberculosis in Act II. 2003 - Netscape is disbanded by AOL Time Warner. From the ashes rises the Mozilla Foundation, giving a flaming middle finger to the communications giant in the process. 2006 - Twitter is launched. I don’t see it catching on, honestly. The character limit makes no sense. I have a lot more I’d like to say, but unfort

On July 14 in history: 664 - King Eorcenberht of Kent dies. I don't really have much to say about him, but his name is amazing. Just take a moment and say it out loud. "Eorcenberht." 1223 - Louis VIII "The Lion" becomes king of France. He'll only rule for a few years before being succeeded by his creatively named son, Louis. 1769 - Gaspar de Portolá sets out on an expedition from San Diego to...somewhere. He'll eventually get to what we know as San Francisco, and name a bunch of stuff on the way there. Later English-speaking residents will adopt many of these names, and mispronounce them in amusing fashions. 1789 - The citizens of Paris, having quite enough of the King's bullshit, storm a big prison in the middle of the city. They don't really care who's being held in there; they just want to raid the armory. Nevertheless, the Revolution sets off to an inauspicious beginning when, after surrendering, the prison's commander and several of his officers are still brutally killed. "Stick it to the man" is supposed to be metaphorical, guys. 1798 - The Sedition Act makes it a federal crime to write, publish, or utter false or malicious statements about the United States government. No, really, this was a thing. What's that First Amendment, again? 1874 - The Chicago fire (not the "Great" one - another one) burns a shit ton of stuff and kills a lot of people. It is not remorse, or civic responsibility, or public outcry that leads to reform afterwards, but the complaints of the fire insurance industry. Ah, capitalism. 1911 - Harry Atwood, flying for the Wright brothers, lands a plane on the south lawn of the White House and is lauded. Today, he'd be swarmed by the Secret Service and arrested or shot. You know, assuming they weren't all off watching porn or something. 1933 - All political parties in Germany save the Nazi party are outlawed. I dunno; I feel like this might be some kind of a red flag. 1969 - The U.S. decides that any bank note larger that $100 is, quite frankly, a little ostentatious. 1976 - The Canadian government decides to stop killing people. Well, captive criminals, anyway. Baby steps. 2015 - New Horizons flies by Pluto for the first time. We've now "been to" every planet in the...oh, sorry, Pluto. 2016 - Some douchebag drives a truck into Bastille Day celebrations in southern France, killing over 80 people. This is why we can't have Nice things.

Ha! I had one done for the 11th, too. Let's see how much of it matches up. On July 11 in History: 472 - Western emperor Anthemius is captured and put to death in St. Peter's Basililca, which is totally what the place was designed for. 1174 - Baldwin IV, a 13 year-old leper, becomes king of Jerusalem. Savvy observers might have considered this foreshadowing. 1405 - Zheng He sets off on his first expedition to explore the world, beating the Europeans to the punch by nearly a hundred years. The only reason we're not all speaking Mandarin is because the ruling conservatives of the time felt colonies were "un-Chinese", since how could one worship one's ancestors in a land where they did not live? There's no joke there; I just find it interesting. 1750 - Halifax is destroyed in a fire. All nine houses. 1796 - The United States takes Detroit from Great Britain as part of the Jay Treaty. It seemed like a good idea at the time. 1804 - U.S. Vice President Aaron Burr kills Secretary of the Treasury and founding father Alexander Hamilton in a duel. More people are aware of this due to a milk commercial than to history books. 1889 - Tijuana is founded. No one remembers how; they just woke up the next day hungover and there was a town there. 1921 - Former U.S. President William H. Taft is sworn in as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. He would thereafter swear in all successors to his old job, though he would be required to resist smirking while doing so. 1960 - To Kill a Mockingbird is published, thereby reducing the number of Charles Dickens novels on the American high school curriculum by one. 1977 - Martin Luther King Jr. receives the Presidential Medal of Freedom posthumously. Apparently the nine years since his assassination had been spent debating what color ribbon should go on it.

On July 10 in History: 138 - Emperor Hadrian, the adopted son of Trajan (adopted son of Nerva), dies. He will be succeeded by his adopted son, Antoninus Pius. Nothing quite like keeping it in the family. 988 - Dublin is founded when an invading Norse king submits (and pays taxes) to the High King of Ireland. How can a city founding be so badass and so boring at the same time? 1086 - "What can a bunch of angry peasants possibly do to me?" ~Canute IV of Denmark's last words, probably. 1212 - Most of London burns to the ground. This is not a unique a occurrence. 1553 - Lady Jane Grey is proclaimed Queen of England and Ireland, and goes to the Tower of London to await her coronation. This will prove to be a bad idea. 1778 - Louis XVI of France, while having no real interest in the creation or success of an independent republic in the New World (or the old, for that matter), nevertheless decide that he just REALLY doesn't like Great Britain. 1940 - The French Third Republic, now in Vichy, votes itself out of existence. Punchline redacted. 1962 - The fist Telstar satellite is launched, because what's the point in watching news from other countries if you can't watch it live? 1991 - Now that South Africa treats black people as real humans, they are allowed to play cricket internationally again. At least some of the remaining racists grudgingly admit to being happy about this. 2017 - Mosul is officially liberated from the so-called Islamic State. How's that glorious eternal caliphate thing workin' out?

So it's been a month; figured I'd check in. Wed. Jun. 13, 2018 Ashley: 169 Elliot: 918 Bernard: 1st appearance *Ellen's face is obscured so she doesn't count Fri. Jun. 15, 2018 Magus: 61 *Obvious extra pizza delivery girl is obvious extra Mon. Jun. 18m 2018 Ellen: 659 Elliot: 919 Mrs. Dunkel: 16 (2018 debut) Mr. Dunkel: 12 (2018 debut) Wed. Jun. 20, 2018 Elliot: 920 Ellen: 660 Fri. Jun. 22, 2018 Elliot: 921 Ellen: 661 Mon. Jul. 2, 2018 Elliot: 922 Ellen: 662 Wed. Jul. 4, 2018 Elliot: 923 Ellen: 663 Tedd: 732 Grace: 801 (2018 debut) Fri. Jul. 6, 2018 Tedd: 733 Grace: 802 *Putting a placeholder here in case that Maniacally Laughing Uryuom becomes important later Mon. Jul. 9, 2018 Sarah: 632 Susan: 500! (7th) Tedd: 734 FULL COUNT

On July 5 in History: 1594 - Portugal invades the Kingdom of Kandy on Sri Lanka. Fools. That's one of the Tamil Kings. No one conquers the Tamil Kings. 1610 - John Guy sets sail for Newfoundland to establish the first English colony there. Though the island has been known for over a century by this point, Guy wisely does not update the name of his colony to "Foundland". 1775 - The Second Continental Congress adopts the Olive Branch Petition, which reaffirms American loyalty the British Crown and beseeches George III to avoid conflict. It's such a momentous event that plans are already in motion setting up the one year anniversary celebration. 1914 - "Whatever you guys decide to do, we've got your back." ~ Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany to Austria-Hungary, and #1 on his list of proclamations he will come to regret. 1934 - When faced with the problem of striking longshoremen in San Francisco, police decide to just shoot them. So nothing's changed, really. 1937 - Hormel foods introduces Spam. It is a versatile food that can be served with egg; egg and bacon; egg, bacon and sausage; spam, bacon, and sausage; spam, egg, spam, spam, and bacon; spam, sausage, spam, spam, bacon, spam, tomato, and spam; spam, spam, spam, and egg; spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, and spam; or Lobster Thermidor au Crevette with a Mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top. 1946 - The bikini goes on sale. Roadside car washes suddenly become a viable business model. 1950 - The Law of Return gives all Jews worldwide the right to immigrate into Israel. I tried really hard, but I couldn't find a suitably fancy word that means the opposite of "Exodus". 1971 - The United States decides that if you're old enough to be drafted and sent to your death, you should be old enough to vote. Awfully nice of them. 1989 - For his role in the Iran-Contra affair, Oliver North is sentenced to a three-year suspended prison term, two years probation, $150,000 in fines and 1,200 hours community service, the reversal of all of that on a questionable technicality, several lucrative media contracts, and the presidency of the NRA. 1996 - Dolly the sheep is the first cloned mammal. For some reason however, a theme park centered around her never really took off.