• Announcements

    • Robin

      Welcome!   03/05/2016

      Welcome, everyone, to the new 910CMX Community Forums. I'm still working on getting them running, so things may change.  If you're a 910 Comic creator and need your forum recreated, let me know and I'll get on it right away.  I'll do my best to make this new place as fun as the last one!
Sign in to follow this  
Illjwamh

This Day In History

Recommended Posts

On June 8 in History:
 
452 - Attila the Hun invades Italy, since invading places is sort of what he does, and the Romans aren't exactly in a position to stop him these days.
 
632 - Death of Islam's founder, Muhammad, seen here:
 
793 - Some Vikings raid the abbey at Lindisfarne. It's the start of something. "Holy shit, you guys. Did you know they keep all their gold and treasure in these little stone buildings right on the coast, completely unguarded except by a bunch of unarmed dudes in robes who don't even fight back? You gotta get over there, it's awesome."
 
1042 - Harthacnut dies, resulting in Edward the Confessor becoming King of England. May the throne never leave Anglo-Saxon hands again!
 
1191 - Richard Lionheart arrives in Acre. Finally, after all the bullshit it took to get here, it's time for some Crusadin'!
 
1376 - Death of the Black Prince, one of the greatest English knights, commanders, and princes of all time. So sad that he'll now never be king. Oh well, at least his son Richard is still with us.
 
1789 - James Madison suggests a patch for the Constitution he wrote, containing 12 new features and bugfixes.
 
1845 - Death of former American lunatic president Andrew Jackson, who claims his only two regrets are not shooting his greatest political rival and not hanging his vice president. Let's put him on the 20!
 
1949 - George Orwell publishes a novel predicting the future. He just gets the date wrong by about forty years.
 
2001 - An elementary school janitor in Osaka Prefecture goes nuts and starts stabbing people, killing eight and injuring 15 more. This is why most Japanese schools have the students do the cleaning themselves.
 
2008 - A man drives into a crowd and starts stabbing people at a shopping center in Tokyo, killing at least seven and injuring ten more. Okay what the hell, Japan, is it Stab Day over there or something? Jesus Christ.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On June 9 in History:
 
411 BCE - A group of elites overthrows the democratic Athenian government to form an oligarchy. In the middle of a war with Sparta. On top of that, their new regime is suffering from factionalism even as they institute it. Meanwhile, memetic badass and mastermind Alcibiades cackles madly, the death sentence put on him by the democratic government now removed.
 
68 - Nero, upon hearing that the Senate was planning to apprehend him so as to publicly beat him to death (they actually just wanted to talk things out), decides to kill himself, but is too chicken to do it, so has his secretary do it for him. In other words, he took the coward's way out of the coward's way out.
 
630 - Shahrbaraz, king of Sasanid Persia, is murdered by his own nobles just forty days after usurping the throne. That they all just said "Yeah, sure!" at the first cry of "Long live the king!" should have tipped him off.
 
721 - "You shall not pass!" ~ Odo of Aquitaine to the armies of the Umayyad Caliphate, Battle of Toulouse
 
1815 - The Congress of Vienna concludes, establishing the rules for Europe for the next hundred years.
 
1870 - Charles Dickens's health falls on hard times. His loved ones find themselves in a bleak house, his publisher is now a haunted man. The chimes ring sadly at the old curiosity shop across the street and the cricket on the hearth plays a mournful dirge. ... Dead. He's dead.
 
1923 - A military coup takes place in Bulgaria, backed by the bougies. They don't realize they're starting a decadal tradition.
 
1944 - The Soviet Union invades Finnish Karelia, knowing there's nothing the allies can or will do about it.
 
1961 - Michael J. Fox is born. He looks suspiciously similar to a friend of his mom's from high school who showed up out of nowhere one day and disappeared without a trace a week later.
 
1967 - Israel captures the Golan Heights from Syria during the Six Day War. Let's hope the peace talks regarding the land claims are over just as quickly.
 
1978 - The Mormon Church decides after 148 years of forbidding it that black men can be priests after all. It's amazing how frequently God changes his mind on these kinds of issues.
 
1981 - Natalie Portman is born, and yet George Lucas would have you believe she is the mother of Luke and Leia, who are already in their early twenties. Nice try, Lucas! But anyone can see that none of this adds up at all.
 
2017 - Adam West passes away, and that's it for me today. Tune in next time for more This Day In History. Same bat-time, same bat-channel.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On June 12 in History:
 
918 - Death of Æthelflæd of Mercia, the most badass lady in England until...well, we're still waiting.
 
1550 - Helsinki, which you may remember as the capital city of Finland, is founded by King Gustav I of Sweden. Finns will tell you that aside from this, it's actually quite nice. It must be a bit awkward though to have your capital city be founded by foreign invaders. "Tell us about it," say the Irish.
 
1775 - British colonial authorities in Massachusetts offer a pardon to all colonists who willingly lay down their arms, with two exceptions: Samuel Adams and John Hancock. Fuck those guys; they've gotta go.
 
1821 - Badi VII of Funj (around the Sudan/Eritrea area) surrenders his kingdom to Isma'il Pasha, the Khedive of Egypt under the Ottoman Empire. He can be forgiven for betting on the wrong horse, as for him it was basically the only horse in town. Also, his town was a ruin and thus any horse at all a welcome addition.
 
1898 - The Philippines declare independence from Spain. "Not so fast," says the United States.
 
1942 - On her thirteenth birthday, Anne Frank receives a diary. "Oh, but when am I ever going to find time to write in it?"
 
1964 - Anti-apartheid activist Nelson Mandela is sentenced to life in prison for "sabotage" in South Africa. And thus he will be lost and forgotten to history.
 
1987 - Ronald Reagan gives some renovation and remodeling suggestions to Mikhail Gorbachev.
 
1991 - In response to an improvised explosive device set by Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam rebels, members of the Sri Lankan military brutally murder around 150 Tamil civilians in the village of Kokkadichcholai who had nothing to do with it. That'll teach 'em.
 
1994 - Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman are murdered outside her home by SOMEBODY. We may never know who.
 
2016 - 49 people are killed and 58 injured in an attack at a nightclub in Orlando, Florida by a domestic terrorist. We're allowed to call him that because for once, the shooter is not a cisgendered straight white man.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On June 13 in History:
 
313 - Co-emperors Constantine the Great and Valerius Licinius decriminalize loving Jesus.
 
823 - Future Holy Roman Emperor Charles is born. The bald one.
 
839 - Future Holy Roman Emperor Charles is born. The fat one.
 
1525 - Martin Luther marries Katharina von Bora despite the Church's celibacy rules. I guess he figured he'd burned all his bridges already; might as well get laid.
 
1625 - Charles I of England marries Henrietta Maria of France, a Catholic. I'm sure this won't cause any problems.
 
1777 - Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette arrives in Charleston, South Carolina to help train the Continental Army. In my mind, he struts off the gangplank to great fanfare, fireworks, throws out his arms and shouts, "What's up, bitches?!"
 
1917 - A German air raid is carried out on London - the deadliest of WWI - resulting in 162 deaths and over 400 injuries. Not to mention some significant property damage, probably. May Londoners never know such horror again.
 
1953 - Tim Allen is born. His parents take him home, where he proceeds to remodel his own crib. Horggh HORRGGH!
 
1966 - The U.S. Supreme Court says that police have to inform suspects of their right not to answer before asking any questions. This is probably the only detail of police work that cop shows come even close to getting right.
 
1981 - Teenager Marcus Sarjeant fires six blank shots at Queen Elizabeth II during a Trooping the Colour ceremony - whatever the hell British nonsense that is - for no other reason than that he wants to be famous. Mission accomplished?
 
1981 again - Chris Evans is born. A doctor slaps America's ass.
 
1983 - Pioneer 10 is the first man-made object to pass beyond the orbit of Neptune. Suck it, Voyager.
 
2000 - Canadian swimmer Penny Oleksiak is born, one of the first in a new race of hybrid fish people.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On June 14 in History:
 
1216 - Winchester, the old capital of the Kingdom of Wessex, falls to Prince Louis of France in the First Barons’ War. It would appear it’s not enough for John Lackland to lose all of England’s land holdings in France; now he’s losing the ones in England, too.
 
1285 - Prince Trần Quang Khải kicks the snot out of the Mongol navy, mostly destroying it in a battle at Chuong Duong during the Second Invasion of Vietnam. This does not discourage the Mongols.
 
1777 - Congress adopts the Stars and Stripes as the flag of the United States. “A little ostentatious, don’t you think?”
 
1807 - Napoleon defeats the Russian army at the Battle of Friedland, ending whatever war we’re on now. France: 4, Coalitions: 0.
 
1900 - Hawaii officially becomes a U.S. territory. For the last two years, it has simply been “a place that we have.”
 
1907 - Norway grants women the right to vote. That’s right folks; Norway! More progressive than the U.S. for over a hundred years!
 
1940 - Germans in Paris: “Guess what? We’re taking it.” Meanwhile, in Lithuania: “Let us in,” says the USSR, “or we’ll come in anyway.”
 
1949 - Albert II, aboard a V-2 rocket, becomes the first monkey in space. No doubt his parents are very proud.
 
1954 - U.S. President Eisenhower signs a law putting the phrase "under God" into the coerced recitation of national loyalty we make children say every day at school, because freedom of religion isn't as important as making sure everyone knows we're not commies.
 
2017 - Grenfell Tower in North Kensington, London, catches fire because of a freezer, of all things, and burns for a really long time. 72 people die. The UK government is prompted to look into updating its fire and building codes, and Prime Minister Theresa May capitalizes on another opportunity to make herself look like a robot.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On June 15 in History:
 
1189 - Tragic death of Minamoto no Yoshitsune, whose life and story is so epic you couldn't write a fictional account better. Japanese writers are aware of this, which is why this story is such a big part of their literary tradition.
 
1215 - King John of England is bullied into putting his seal to the Magna Carta. Between this and losing all his lands in France, he's really not doing a very good job.
 
1219 - The Danes and their allies win the Battle of Lyndanisse (Tallinn) against the pagan Estonian tribes in the Northern Crusade when a flag magically falls from the sky. Or something like that.
 
1246 - Duke Frederick II of Austria dies, and the House of Babenberg goes with him. This might just be the end of Austria altogether; this new house taking over, I'm not sure they've got the stuff. I've barely even heard of them.
 
1330 - Edward III's son Prince Edward is born. He is gifted a black onesie, and the rest is history.
 
1648 - Margaret Jones is hanged for witchcraft in Boston, the first time this happens anywhere in the Massachusetts Bay Colony. Let's hope it's also the last, eh?
 
1846 - The Oregon Treaty establishes the U.S./Canada border at the 49th parallel from the Rocky Mountains to the sea. It's a bit fuzzy on the islands, which we'll see in a minute.
 
1859 - An American farmer on San Juan Island - who may or may not have had a right to be there - shoots a pig belonging to an Irishman for allegedly eating his potatoes. This sparks an international incident that almost became a full on war between Britain and the U.S. Naturally, it's called the Pig War, because historians like to have fun too.
 
1888 - Wilhelm II becomes (the last) Kaiser of Germany in what will be called the Year of the Three Emperors. "Oh, three? Is that all?" yawns Ancient Rome.
 
1953 - Xi Jinping is born. The nurse accidentally swaps him with a talking plush Winnie the Pooh, and everyone is too embarrassed to say anything so they just go with it.
 
1977 - The first democratic elections take place in Spain, two years after the death of dictator Francisco Franco. King Juan Carlos is a BOSS.
 
1992 - The U.S. Supreme Court says is perfectly fine to "forcibly extradite" suspects of crimes from foreign countries to stand trial without the permission of those countries. So Batman's still on the up and up after all!
 
2012 - Nik Wallenda is the first person to walk a tightrope over Niagra Falls, because sure, why not?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On June 16 in History:
 
632 - Yazdegerd III becomes Shah of Sasanid Persia at age 8. Powerful court officials squabble for power and control, which is a shame since there's something happening a little beyond the western border that could use their attention.
 
1487 - Henry VII defeats Yorkist forces fighting for some random dude pretending to be Edward Plantagenet at the Battle of Stoke Field, putting an end to the Wars of the Roses. Now we can put this entire miserable century behind us.
 
1586 - Mary, Queen of Scots names Philip II of Spain as her heir and successor to the throne of Scotland, a kingdom she hasn't ruled or been in for eighteen and a half years, and England a country in which she is held prisoner and has never ruled at all.
 
1755 - The French surrender Fort Beauséjour on the Isthmus of Chignecto to the British, leading to the expulsion of the Acadians, and that's how we got gumbo.
 
1815 - French forces under Marshal Michel Ney successfully delay the Duke of Wellington's army at the Battle of Quatre Bras, preventing him from aiding Prussian forces at the Battle of Ligny, where Napoleon achieves a solid victory. All according to plan!
 
1858 - Abraham Lincoln explains what should be a very basic concept on the structural integrity of houses.
 
1897 - A treaty is signed annexing the Republic of Hawaii into the United States. Not consulted: native Hawaiians.
 
1904 - James Joyce goes on his first date with future wife Nora Barnacle. He will use this calendar date as the setting of his most famous book. Awwww!
 
1940 - A communist government is established in Lithuania. Not consulted: Lithuanians.
 
1963 - Valentina Tereshkova is the first woman in space. Why are we taught the names Yuri Gagarin and Neil Armstrong, but not hers? That's a rhetorical question.
 
1976 - A non-violent student protest involving over 20,000 participants takes place in Soweto, South Africa over being made to use Afrikaans (considered the language of Apartheid) in schools. It turns into a riot when the police decide to start shooting at them. God dammit.
 
1981 - Former Canadian ambassador to Iran is the first foreigner to be presented the Congressional Gold Medal by a U.S. president. He is given the honor due to the plot of Argo.
 
2000 - Israel withdraws from Lebanon a mere 22 years after the UN told them to. You know, except for a few farms here and there.
 
2010 - Bhutan is the first country in the world to completely ban tobacco. Smokey speakeasies presumably start popping up overnight.
 
 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On June 17 in History:
 
1397 - Denmark! Sweden! Norway! By your powers combined, I am...Kalmar Union!
 
1462 - Prince Vlad III of Wallachia (of impaling fame) leads a night attack on Ottoman sultan Mehmed II's camp outside the capital of Târgovişte in an attempt to assassinate him. It doesn't work, but when Mehmed later marches into the capital, you'll never guess what he finds there. I'll give you a hint: it's called the "Forest of" something.
 
1631 - Empress consort Mumtaz Mahal of the Mughal Empire dies in childbirth. Her husband, emperor Shah Jahan, resolves to build her a lovely little mausoleum.
 
1665 - Portugal to Spain after the Battle of Montes Claros: "And stay out!"
 
1767 - Samuel Wallis is the first European to reach Tahiti. It's a magical place.
 
1775 - British forces win a Pyrrhic victory over American colonial militia at the Battle of Bunker Hill, which...excuse me, I'm being interrupted by every pedantic schoolchild in America, telling me, "It was actually mostly fought on Breed's Hill".
 
1789 - "Fine! Then we'll make our own National Assembly! With blackjack! And hookers!" ~ The French Third Estate
 
1839 - Kamehameha III of Hawaii decides to allow Catholics. Not so much because he's a tolerant fellow, but more because he doesn't want to be attacked by France.
 
1885 - The Statue of Liberty arrives in New York Harbor, a gift from the French. "Make sure you put it out by the front door so they'll see it if they come to visit."
 
1940 - After taking Lithuania yesterday, the Soviet Union decides to have Latvia and Estonia for dessert.
 
1944 - Iceland declares itself an independent republic. As Denmark is currently otherwise occupied, there isn't much they can do about it.
 
1972 - Five White House operatives are arrested trying to bug the offices of the DNC. If this happened today, the press secretary would lie about it, pundits would argue about it on the news for a few days, and everyone would have forgotten by next week.
 
1994 - O.J. Simpson is arrested after the least exciting car chase in history.
 
2001 - The people of Bulgaria elect their former tsar, Simeon II, as their new prime minister. That'll go well. Oh! Oh, it actually does go well. Wow, fancy that. Go Bulgaria.
 
2015 - 9 people are killed at a shooting in a church in Charleston, South Carolina by a guy with white nationalist leanings and a confederate flag on his jacket. But I can't call him a terrorist because he's white.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Illjwamh said:

1775 - British forces win a Pyrrhic victory over American colonial militia at the Battle of Bunker Hill, which...excuse me, I'm being interrupted by every pedantic schoolchild in America, telling me, "It was actually mostly fought on Breed's Hill".

A few cannon on Bunker Hill could completely shut down Boston Harbor.

A few muskets on  Breed's Hill could completely shut down the only land access to Bunker Hill (and the water access was not usable).

So it all really does make sense.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
16 hours ago, Illjwamh said:
1586 - Mary, Queen of Scots names Philip II of Spain as her heir and successor to the throne of Scotland, a kingdom she hasn't ruled or been in for eighteen and a half years, and England a country in which she is held prisoner and has never ruled at all.

 

Mary, Mary, quite contrary.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this