Pharaoh RutinTutin

16 September 1620 – Pilgrims set sail from England on the Mayflower... Skip ahead a few years... So now a New York department store holds a parade to advertise Christmas shopping while the rest of America eats a turkey late in November. 1701 – James Francis Edward Stuart, sometimes called the "Old Pretender", becomes the Jacobite claimant to the thrones of England and Scotland. Guys, "what-if" games are a fine academic exercise. But by the Eighteenth Century, Britain was already more "Parliamentary" than "Monarchy". Parliament said that the crown would pass through Sophia of Hanover instead of any other descendant of that King they named after the Bible. Holding your breath until you're as blue as the Nile won't make the government drop what they're doing and put you in charge. 1810 – With the Grito de Dolores, the Cry of Dolores, Father Miguel Hidalgo begins Mexico's fight for independence from Spain. A few people in the Spanish government begin to question if perhaps they should have saved some of that gold they had been looting from the Americas rather than spend it on European wars as soon as they moved it over the Atlantic. 1893 – Settlers make a land run for prime land in the Cherokee Strip in Oklahoma. This is the fourth and largest of the Oklahoma homesteading land runs. And once again "Sooners", or settlers entering the designated territory before the event officially began, claim much of the best land. A majority of the legitimate participants were unable to secure claims for themselves. 1908 – The General Motors Corporation is founded. "...what was good for our country was good for General Motors, and vice versa." Charles E. Wilson, GM CEO, 1952, in Confirmation hearings before the Senate Armed Services Committee. 1920 – The Wall Street bombing: A bomb in a horse wagon explodes in front of the J. P. Morgan building in New York City killing 38 people and injuring 40. The property damage, other than the horse and wagon, was mostly superficial. The human victims were mostly young messengers, clerks, and stenographers. It is suspected that the perpetrator was an anti-capitalist agitator. Possibly Communist or Anarchist. Unfortunately for the bomber, the most wealthy and powerful capitalists escaped injury. Unfortunately for justice, New York's zeal to clean up the mess and get back to work the next day wound up destroying most of the evidence so no particular culprit was ever identified or prosecuted. 1945 – World War II: The Japanese occupation of Hong Kong comes to an end. Is it possible they some how didn't get word that the rest of the Japanese Empire had already surrendered two weeks ago? 1955 – The military coup to unseat President Juan Perón of Argentina is launched at midnight. Don't cry for me, Argentina. And while you're at it, don't shoot or arrest me either. 1961 – The United States National Hurricane Research Project drops eight cylinders of silver iodide into the eyewall of Hurricane Esther. Wind speed happens to fall by 10%, giving rise to Project Stormfury. Fidel Castro and a generation of conspiracy theorists are convinced that the US Government is controlling hurricanes as weapons. The US Government, in actual reality, is forced to concede a point that the legitimate meteorologists claimed all along. Humans can't control hurricanes. A terrifying prospect. 1966 – The Metropolitan Opera House opens at Lincoln Center in New York City with the world premiere of Samuel Barber's opera Antony and Cleopatra. Why must so many Operas about Egypt revolve around that Ptolemaic Queen? Sneferu led quite the colorful life. And Imhotep more than deserves artistic recognition. Cleo just accelerated the end of both an independent Egypt and the Republic of Rome. 1976 – Armenian champion swimmer Shavarsh Karapetyan saves 20 people from a trolleybus that had fallen into a Yerevan reservoir. Injuries and infections from this event end his competitive career. The title "Hero" is used a lot in sports. So often that many people forget what it is actually supposed to mean. 1987 – The Montreal Protocol is signed to protect the ozone layer from depletion. This is good news indeed. Now can someone pass the SPF One Million Sunblock?

14 September 1656 – Birth of Thomas Baker, English historian and author. Official records state that he died in 1746. But we know that Tom Baker is just one alias for a historical expert with a unique perspective. 1741 – George Frideric Handel completes his oratorio Messiah. The work would not premier until the next April. Which means that the Christmas of 1741 was the last time no one demanded that the Hallelujah Chorus be included in the Christmas Concert. 1752 – In the last step of a process that had taken almost two years, the British Empire adopts the Gregorian calendar by skipping eleven days (the previous day was September 2). Of course, no where in the legislation is the Gregorian Calendar specifically mentioned. This was entirely an original idea on the part of the British Parliament that just happened to synchronize their dates to the calendar being used in the rest of Western Europe. 1812 – Napoleonic Wars: The French Grande Armée enters Moscow. The Fire of Moscow begins as soon as Russian troops leave the city. And if we are to believe Tchaikovsky, both the French and Russian army bands were forced to replace their regular percussion with artillery. 1954 – In a top secret nuclear test, a Soviet Tu-4 bomber drops a 40 kiloton atomic weapon just north of Totskoye village. Not to get too nitpicky, but, if we know about it, was it really "Top Secret"? 1956 – The IBM 305 RAMAC is introduced, the first commercial computer to use disk storage. Up until this point, the only disk concerns with computers would be the swollen disks between the vertebrae of the people trying to move those early computers. 1959 – According to the official records, the Soviet probe Luna 2 crashes onto the Moon, becoming the first man-made object to reach it. But how did Beethoven write the Moonlight Sonata without going there? 1975 – The first American saint, Elizabeth Ann Seton, is canonized by Pope Paul VI. Apparently, deceased American Catholics are not causing enough miraculous intercessions to get noticed by the Vatican. Even after you're dead, you can still help your country. 2007 – Financial crisis of 2007–2008: The Northern Rock bank experiences the first bank run in the United Kingdom in 150 years. But according to Mary Poppins, there was a run on a bank in London in 1910. Please don't make me chose between encyclopaedical or Disney history. 2015 – The first observation of gravitational waves was made. But the official announcement by the teams studying the LIGO and Virgo collaborations was not made until 11 February 2016. Deliberately checking data for months before making a significant announcement? What would happen if politicians and mainstream news sources got into that kind of habit?

You have offended someone. We won't say who you offended. We won't say what you did that was offensive to them. We won't say what you must change before we will change our judgement. Now stop doing the things so objectionable that we can't even say what they were. … Criticism at its most constructive.

13 September 509 BC – The Temple of Jupiter Optimus Maximus on Rome's Capitoline Hill is dedicated. It can also transform into a tractor-trailer or a large humanoid robot. 1437 – Battle of Tangier: a Portuguese expeditionary force initiates a failed attempt to seize the Moroccan citadel of Tangier. Next time, the Portuguese Navy should just buy a few tangerine trees. They will grow almost anywhere in greenhouses. 1541 – After three years of exile, John Calvin returns to Geneva to reform the church under a body of doctrine known as Calvinism. Almost as if he was predestined to lead this reformation... 1743 – Great Britain, Austria and the Kingdom of Sardinia sign the Treaty of Worms. This treaty was one of the worst diplomatic moves Britain ever made. But I will take any opportunity to mention the City of Worms. 1791 – King Louis XVI of France accepts the new constitution. A nice gesture. But probably too little, too late. 1814 – In a turning point in the War of 1812, the British fail to capture Baltimore. During the battle, Francis Scott Key composes his poem "Defence of Fort McHenry", which is later set to music and becomes the United States' national anthem. But there had to be better tunes that could fit the meter of the poem. Singing John Stafford Smith's Anacreontic Song is not as easy as entwining the myrtle of Venus with Bacchus's vine. 1848 – Vermont railroad worker Phineas Gage survives an iron rod 1 1⁄4 inches (3.2 cm) in diameter being driven through his brain; the reported effects on his behavior and personality stimulate thinking about the nature of the brain and its functions. One of the first assumptions to be challenged is that a human brain through which an iron rod has been driven can not function. 1899 – Henry Bliss is the first person in the United States to be killed in an automobile accident. He would not be the last. 1985 – Super Mario Bros. is released in Japan for the Famicom (NES), which starts the Super Mario series of platforming games. If human history somehow survives this, it has a chance of surviving anything. 1987 – Goiânia accident: A radioactive object is stolen from an abandoned hospital in Goiânia, Brazil, contaminating many people in the following weeks and causing some to die from radiation poisoning. Turns out that radioactive material does not stop being radioactive when you are done using it. Who knew?

My Id, however, has made me into the most remarkable human being ever. Just ask it.

12 September 490 BC – Battle of Marathon: The conventionally accepted date for the Battle of Marathon. Some sources insist that the date was a month earlier based on excuses the Spartans gave for not participating in the fight. The Athenians and their Plataean allies defeat the first Persian invasion force of Greece. This proved two things to the Greeks. First, the Persians were not invincible. Second, the other Greek states could defend themselves without relying on or submitting to Sparta. 1213 – Albigensian Crusade: Simon de Montfort, 5th Earl of Leicester, defeats Peter II of Aragon at the Battle of Muret. This was A Crusade where French Nobles didn't need to leave their home country or learn a foreign language. Plus they could still kill people to claim their victim's property with the blessings of the Church. 1846 – Elizabeth Barrett elopes with Robert Browning. Someone should write a poem about this. 1847 – Mexican–American War: the Battle of Chapultepec begins. Despite heavy losses, US Marines are victorious in a battle near an old Aztec fortress. Someone should write a song about this. 1933 – Leó Szilárd, waiting for a red light on Southampton Row in Bloomsbury, conceives the idea of the nuclear chain reaction. Designing the atomic bomb because he was stuck in traffic. This is the ultimate case of road rage. 1940 – Old graffiti is discovered in caves near Lascaux, France. Some see it as a treasure of prehistoric art. Others see it as a lot of bull. 1953 – U.S. Senator and future President John Fitzgerald Kennedy marries Jacqueline Lee Bouvier at St. Mary's Church in Newport, Rhode Island. 1958 – Jack Kilby demonstrates the first working integrated circuit while working at Texas Instruments. That circuit was integrated without a court order and without the protection of Federal Marshals. 1962 – On their ninth anniversary, President Kennedy is overheard paraphrasing Jackie Gleason's "To the Moon" line to his wife, Jackie, at Rice University. Improvising, he expands this comment into the "We choose to go to the Moon" speech. 1966 – Gemini 11, the penultimate mission of NASA's Gemini program. This flight reaches an altitude of 739 nautical miles, and remains the current human altitude record holder. Except, of course, for the Apollo missions that went to the Moon. This is less than the drive from Detroit to Winnipeg or Pensacola. Less than the distance from Copenhagen to Monaco. Closer than Alexandria to Baghdad. 1983 – A Wells Fargo depot in West Hartford, Connecticut, United States, is robbed of approximately US$7 million by Los Macheteros. People robbing Wells Fargo? This was 1983, not 1893. 1983 – The USSR vetoes a United Nations Security Council Resolution deploring the Soviet destruction of Korean Air Lines Flight 007. Apparently nothing you do is deplorable as long as you have a Veto on the UN Security council. 1992 – In a desperate bid to prove their inclusiveness, NASA launches Space Shuttle Endeavour on STS-47 which marked the 50th shuttle mission. On board are Mae Carol Jemison, the first African-American woman in space, Mamoru Mohri, the first Japanese citizen to fly in a US spaceship, and Mark Lee and Jan Davis, the first married couple in space.

I am having trouble keeping score in this blame game. And despite the EGS Standard Operating Procedure, I don't see how we will be able to blame this one on Tedd.

http://egscomics.com/egsnp/assorted-18a-002 Noah, you aren't trying hard enough. Now if you put everyone on bicycles and included a band that stayed on the field while play proceeded... I wonder if the Buckeye band could perform Script Ohio on bicycles while batters were hitting golf balls in their general direction?

A pair o ducks? Oh be kind to your web footed friends...

The United States Postal Service is still trying to be the best that Ben Franklin thought it could be.

It was Lucy who convinced Diane that the boys should always pay? And this conclusion was reached on the basis of popcorn prices?

09 September 9 AD – Arminius' alliance of six Germanic tribes ambushes and annihilates three Roman legions of Publius Quinctilius Varus in the Battle of the Teutoburg Forest. The Roman Legions were not invincible. Rome was, however, able to hire mercenary legions to retaliate against you faster than you could appeal to your fellow barbarian tribes to unite with you in opposition to Rome. 337 – Constantine II, Constantius II, and Constans succeed their father Constantine I as co-emperors. The Roman Empire is divided between the three Augusti. A typical political family made up of Con-men. 999 or 1000 – Battle of Svolder or Øresund. On or about this date a naval battle between Nordic nobles determined many of the details that would eventually mark the end of the Viking era and the transition of Northern European culture into the High Middle Ages. The earliest existing Icelandic record of the event was written two centuries after the fact and is regarded by almost everyone as unreliable. Please, for the sake of all future historians, before you kill or are killed, document everything. 1087 – William Rufus becomes King of England, taking the title William II. The title of King Rufus will remain unclaimed among English speaking monarchs until the Naked Mole Rat Uprising. 1776 – The Continental Congress officially names its union of states the United States. They never gave serious consideration to naming the country "Fred". 1791 – Washington, D.C., the capital of the United States, is named after President George Washington. Legend claims that George Washington chose the point where the city should start by throwing a silver dollar across the Potomac River. This could not happen today because everyone knows that a dollar doesn't go as far anymore. Thank you. I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitress. 1801 – Alexander I of Russia confirms the privileges of Baltic provinces. Would any of these include the "Privilege" of not being a vassal state to Russia? 1839 – John Herschel takes the first glass plate photograph. Eventually he would discover things outside his kitchen to observe and study. 1863 – American Civil War: The Union Army enters Chattanooga, Tennessee. This trip did not involve a Choo-Choo at Track 29 1939 – World War II: The Battle of Hel begins, the longest-defended pocket of Polish Army resistance during the German invasion of Poland. As has been observed by so many others, War is Hel. 1956 – Elvis Presley appears on the Ed Sullivan Show for the first time, from the waist up.

I hope they didn't put any warnings in Star Trek V. Nobody will admit to having watched that.

08 September 617 – Battle of Huoyi: Li Yuan defeats a Sui dynasty army, opening the path to his capture of the imperial capital Chang'an and the eventual establishment of the Tang dynasty. Yet even with the dynasty founded, they never appreciated the value the orange flavored powder would have towards enabling human space flight. 1253 – Pope Innocent IV canonizes Stanislaus of Szczepanów, killed by king Bolesław II. This is a warning from the Pope to all Kings, everywhere. If you kill the Bishops that annoy you, they will be canonized. 1504 – Michelangelo's David is unveiled in Piazza della Signoria in Florence. There have been more than enough wardrobe malfunction comments about this statue over the years. I just have one question. Why is this marble depiction of one of the greatest heroes of the Hebrew people uncircumcised? 1565 – The Knights of Malta lift the Ottoman siege of Malta that began on May 18. At the next breakfast, they all sit down for Malta Meal. It's good stuff, Maynard. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OoAJNn6SETs 1775 – The unsuccessful Rising of the Priests in Malta. Obviously they skipped breakfast, because winners warm up with Malta Meal. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wpBzck6HJtA 1888 – In England, the first six Football League matches are played. Everything before this point is mostly footnote. History really begins with Football. 1892 – The Pledge of Allegiance is first recited. As originally published, the Pledge does not specifically mention "The United States of America" or "Under God", and yet it is popular and patriotic on its own. 1930 – 3M begins marketing Scotch transparent tape. The "Scotch" brand name was originally an insult towards the manufacturers from the early testers who thought that the makers were far too stingy with the adhesive chemicals. Even though it was an insult about a lack of stickiness, the name somehow stuck. 1945 – The division of Korea begins when United States troops arrive to partition the southern part of Korea in response to Soviet troops occupying the northern part of the peninsula a month earlier. Just like with Germany, this division of a country between the United States and the Soviet Union will almost certainly be a temporary situation. 1966 – "The Man Trap" airs on NBC. This is the first episode to be broadcast of a new science fiction series. It probably won't last long or amount to much. 1974 – Watergate scandal: US President Gerald Ford signs the pardon of Richard Nixon for any crimes Nixon may have committed while in office. Strangely, this was an attempt to save money. If the incoming President has already decided that he intends to pardon the outgoing President, then the legal process becomes an expensive side show distracting the government from the work it needs to do. Having the prosecutors investigate and file charges. Depositions. Court appearances. Hearings. Procedures. Appeals. Why bother when the Commander in Chief has already decided what he will do when the dust settles? Pardon everything in advance, and there isn't even a need for an investigation in the first place. Yes, the Pardon was purely for economic reasons and not political payback.

Close. Very close. Actually, that statement pretty much covers human history.

Susan, I am disappointed on two separate matters. First, you don't need any additional excuse. If the offense is twitch-worthy, it is rant-worthy. And for that matter, it is Hammer-worthy, but Mr Tensaided probably frowns on hammering customers. Especially those customers you can hammer on your own time. Second, wearing WHITE cartoon gloves AFTER Labor Day? Have you no sense of fashion or style?

A fractured metatarsal is not what any of us had in mind when we thought, "The Prof deserves a break."

Panels four and seven may be artistic exaggeration to display Diane's emotion and probably should not be an indicator of shape-shifting abilities. But her look of frustration / disgust / disappointment / fury / confusion / fatigue in the final panel just screams "PANDORA" to me.

06 September 394 – Battle of the Frigidus: Roman Emperor Theodosius I defeats and kills Eugenius the usurper. His Frankish magister militum Arbogast escapes but commits suicide two days later. This is rather typical of Politics through Warfare that was common across the various eras and empires that called themselves "Roman". But we do ourselves a disservice if we do not recall the historic names. For example, the Battle of the Frigidus is not the Friday fight in the break room over who must clean out the Frigidus before the weekend. 1492 – Christopher Columbus sails from La Gomera in the Canary Islands, his final port of call before crossing the Atlantic Ocean for the first time. What is amazing is that Columbus pestered almost every royal court in Europe for sponsorship on this trip, and only Isabella of Castile realized that for the cost of a few ships, they could either get rid of this trouble maker or become very rich. Of course, the fact Leif Ericson made the trip half a millennium earlier without a royal bankroll isn't important. 1522 – The Victoria, under the command of Juan Sebastián Elcano, returns to Sanlúcar de Barrameda in Spain, the only surviving ship of Ferdinand Magellan's expedition and the first ship to circumnavigate the world. Four ships and the fleet's commander are lost on the voyage, but does anyone recall the captain who actually completed the mission and led his vessel home? Is there an Elcano space probe? No, history remembers Magellan, and others. 1620 – According to the Julian Calendar still in use in Britain, the Pilgrims sail from Plymouth, England on the Mayflower to settle in North America. If this was the day Columbus started his trip, and what was left of Magellan's armada finished their trip, this must be a good day for sailing. 1847 – Henry David Thoreau leaves Walden Pond and moves in with Ralph Waldo Emerson and his family in Concord, Massachusetts. If you've found that moving out of society and living the simple life off the land is too stressful, then move in with a friend and live off of them. 1901 – Leon Czolgosz, an unemployed anarchist, shoots and fatally wounds US President William McKinley at the Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo, New York. Interesting how easily the titles "unemployed" and "anarchist" go together. Almost as if people who have responsibilities providing for a family or building and maintaining a community can't be bothered to orchestrate the overthrow of society. 1937 – Birth of Sergio Aragonés, Spanish-Mexican author and illustrator. World's fastest cartoonist. His pictures in the margins of the pages were often the best part of Mad Magazine. 1939 – World War II: South Africa declares war on Nazi Germany. This must be because of South Africa's Commonwealth relationship with Britain. Or is South African claiming some sort of moral high ground? 1958 – Birth of Jeff Foxworthy, American comedian, actor, producer, and screenwriter. If you know Jeff Foxworthy, you might be a redneck. 1968 – Swaziland becomes independent from Britain. But much of their international mail is delivered to Switzerland. 1991 – The Soviet Union recognizes the independence of the Baltic states Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania. Nice of them to do that while there was still technically a Soviet Union. Now who was it that had been keeping the Baltic States from being independent for the last half century? 1991 – The name Saint Petersburg is restored to Russia's second largest city, which had been known as Leningrad since 1924. Will this town please make up its mind? Most cities never change their names. And those that do change their names will usually go at least a century before changing again.

With a pen in a sore hand, I can imagine young Diane finding the old copy of Robert's Rules in the school library and writing down the plan for how she and Lucy and their friends would deal with boys. Resolved, the bylaws for the Girls Association of the D E Shive Memorial Junior High School shall be as follows: 1. Boys are Gross 1a. Unless we find a boy we like, in which case 2. Boys are Gross 2a. Except for the boys we like 2b. Unless a boy we like annoys us, in which case 3. Boys are Gross

Remote controls really should be clear about which appliances they operate. And "Universal" remotes need to be explicit about which appliances they are operating right now.

It doesn't matter how much effort you put into prevention and education. People are, unfortunately, people.

Lucy had a high opinion of Diane and, for several years, behaved in ways that she thought would gain Diane's approval. Now Lucy discovers that Diane was not unconcerned about the opinions of others, she was simply unaware. Furthermore, now that Diane is aware of what others have said about her, she is concerned about their opinions. Diane's tough exterior turned out to be a thin veneer that can be chipped away. And what Lucy is seeing under that veneer is not the stuff of legend.

Eventually, this crew will get out of the Moperville high schools. Eventually... Maybe... Probably before the Milky Way collides with Andromeda. And when they do get out of high school, they will need to continue their education...

02 September 44 BC – Cleopatra VII of Egypt declares her son co-ruler as Pharaoh Ptolemy XV Caesarion. Following the death of his mother, Caesarion would be the last Pharaoh and reign for eleven days. If history forgets this young monarch, it is mostly because eleven days is not enough time to have your tomb built to the standards of traditional Egyptian opulence. 1666 – The Great Fire of London breaks out and burns for three days, destroying 10,000 buildings, including Old St Paul's Cathedral. Is it possible that incinerating what is flammable and filthy will leave everything that survives in a better condition? 1752 – Great Britain, along with its overseas possessions, adopts the Gregorian calendar. This was actually a two year process for the Empire. In Britain, 1751 officially began on Lady Day, 25 March, and then ended on 31 December for a year of 282 days. This was to change New Year's Day in Britain to 01 January. Then in 1752, Wednesday 02 September was followed by Thursday 14 September, a 355 day year. This was to make the dates in Britain match those used by their neighbors. And those of us in the United States today are grateful that they didn't wait until the 1770s or later to do this, because Americans would have stubbornly held on to the Old Style calendar just like we hold on to the pre-Metric measurements Britain dropped not too long after they decided those darn colonists weren't worth fighting to keep. 1807 – The Royal Navy bombards Copenhagen with fire bombs and phosphorus rockets to prevent Denmark from surrendering its fleet to Napoleon. So let that be a lesson to everyone who would side with Britain against Napoleon. Your British Allies may not give you enough help to defeat the Corsican Conqueror. But they will destroy everything you have to keep you from surrendering anything to Bonaparte's Brigades. 1870 – Franco-Prussian War: Battle of Sedan: Prussian forces take Napoleon III of France and 100,000 of his soldiers prisoner. Later decades would see this day celebrated in the German Empire as Sedantag, which does not involve small children chasing each other in four door automobiles. 1901 – Vice President of the United States Theodore Roosevelt utters the famous phrase, "Speak softly and carry a big stick" at the Minnesota State Fair. Historians, for some reason, seem to think this was Roosevelt's philosophy towards diplomacy. It was actually practical advice on how to navigate the unruly crowds of the fair. 1939 – World War II: Following the start of the invasion of Poland the previous day, the Free City of Danzig (now Gdańsk, Poland) is annexed by Nazi Germany. Neither Danzig nor Gdańsk would be free for a very long time. 1945 – World War II: Combat ends in the Pacific Theater: The Japanese Instrument of Surrender is signed by Japanese Foreign Minister Mamoru Shigemitsu and accepted aboard the battleship USS Missouri in Tokyo Bay. That should be the end of fighting in Asia for a while... 1945 – Vietnam declares its independence, forming the Democratic Republic of Vietnam. I have a bad feeling about this... Also 02 September is National Blueberry Popsicle Day in the United States, as if we needed an excuse.